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Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Soul
by Curt Grayson and Jan Johnson
Chapter 6: THE WAY FAMILIES TEND TO BE
There's usually one family in every church that we consider something of a "first family."
Surely they don't have problems. But considering how the families of the giants of the faith
struggled (both Abraham and Isaac offered their wives to Egyptian rulers), we can expect the
best of families to have flaws. The following characteristics of families illustrate what happens
when people react heavily with denial, blame, isolation and angry actions to protect themselves.
Inconsistent discipline and love If parents are distracted enough, children can break the
same rules two days in a row and be punished one day but ignored the next. What's good on
Tuesday is bad on Wednesday. They never know how their parents will react, so they check the
tension barometer immediately when they walk in their house. Tony tells his experience.
My mom was stressed out that day, but I didn't know it. Like most other nine year
olds, I couldn't let a creamy pan of fudge harden on the counter without sampling some of
it. So I swooped my finger down the side of the pan while my mom was looking in the
refrigerator.
She wheeled around and yelled, "Tony, how many times do I have to tell you not to
do that?" Then she grabbed my hair and tugged hard.
I stood there stunned. My cheeks stung and my scalp throbbed. I fled to my room.
I knew I didn't deserve such a harsh punishment.
An hour later, my dad came to me and said, "You need to understand that your
mother is under a lot of stress. Don't be too hard on her. Try not to upset her."
Even as a child, I knew my mom was wrong for pulling my hair. I knew my dad
shouldn't have excused her and put the responsibility on me to understand her. My mom
should have apologized. Yet how could I complain? My dad and mom were the minister
and his wife.
Sometimes my parents could be neat people, but I never knew what would set my
mom off. On another day if I had swiped a finger full of fudge, she might have laughed
and rumpled my hair.
In our culture, you show love based on how you feel that day, not on consistency or
commitment. If parents' lives are going well or their children have made them proud, they show
love to their children. If the parents are upset or children have disobeyed, the parents are
preoccupied or distant. Children feel insecure and unsure about what might happen. If parents
are continually distracted by emotional difficulties, this inconsistent love and discipline become
an insecure way of life.
Yet steady love and discipline are signs of near perfection, a mark all parents fall short of at
some time. In families who live closer to that goal, children know to expect reasonable