ayout 1 - Gateway To Hope

GTH Newsletter-SPRING 2011_Layout 1 3/16/11 3:03 PM Page 9
T h e L I F e L I N e • V O L . 5 , I S S U e 1 • S P R I N G 2 0 1 1
“How Do I Tell The Kids I Have Cancer?”
by Patricia F. Croughan, MSW, LCSW
One of the first questions a parent asks after receiving a cancer diagnosis is
“How do I tell my kids?” It's an important question and the way in which you
approach it has a profound impact on how your children adjust to your illness.
Silence is not always golden.
Remaining silent on this important
event in the life of the family is harmful.
Silence leaves the children worried and
fearful of the unknown, and afraid to
ask questions for fear of upsetting
Mom or Dad. Remember that in the
absence of facts, children will make up
their own version of “facts” about what
is occurring to a loved one.
Truth is better than fiction. So what
do you say and how do you say it?
First and foremost, tell the truth.
Assure your children that you will
always be honest with them. I have
found that it is best for parents to talk
to their children (no matter what their
ages) very directly. Parents frequently
worry that their kids will get upset when
they hear the news. In fact, even
though the news is disturbing to them,
nothing will affect them more than
keeping the illness a secret and pretending
that all is well.
The first question is usually the
hardest. For most children, regardless
of age, cancer stirs up fears that someone
is going to die. And they ask
immediately, “Are you going to die?”
The bad news is this disturbing question
may be a shock to you; the good
news is that it allows you to have a
very open discussion. Children can be
reassured by a response like, “Of
course this news is scary, but ‘No, I am
not going to die now.’ I have seen the
doctor and I will have an operation to
remove the cancer. Then I'll take some
medicine to make sure the cancer
stays away. Actually, I feel pretty good
right now. In the meantime, life at
home will go on as normally as
possible. If you ask me a question that
I can't answer, I will ask the doctor and
get back to you. Let's make a deal...
I promise you that I will always tell you
the truth about my cancer and we will
discuss any worries you may have.”
It is entirely natural for children to be
afraid of losing a parent. Your response
can go a long way towards helping
them with that worry. Don't forget that
cancer affects the entire family and the
family itself can become a terrific ally
in dealing with the crisis!
Tailor comments to the age and
stage of your child. What to say to
kids and how they will react to the
news also depends on their developmental
phase. An 8 year old might be
curious and ask lots of questions and
even want to meet your doctors and
nurses and see where you will be in
the hospital. Even younger children
might worry about who will take care of
them while Mom is sick or feel guilty
that she's sick because of something
they did. At the other end of the spectrum,
the 15 year old may act blasé –
almost as if they are “cool” with the
news – when, in fact, they may not be.
Obviously, if there are several children
in the family at differing stages of
development, parents have their work
cut out for them!
Denial has to be dealt with as well
as acceptance. Older children often
deny their fears and vulnerabilities.
Healthy adolescent development
involves separation from the family –
their focus is on negotiating growing
up. If your child indicates that they do
not want to talk about it, just tell them
that you understand and if or when
they change their minds, just let you
know. Be sure you're sensitive to the
needs of the moment.
It's never an easy situation. It is
important to monitor your children's
feelings as the family adjusts to living
through a cancer diagnosis and treatment.
Don't forget that children may
develop problems such as difficulty
concentrating at school or difficulty
sleeping at night in response to
ongoing fears and anxieties. This can
occur at any time during and/or after
active treatment. If this happens, try to
determine whether the worry about
cancer is the underlying source of the
changed behavior.
For more detailed information some
excellent additional resources are
Wendy Harpham's books: When A
Parent Has Cancer and for young
children Becky and the Worry Cup.
(Patricia F. Croughan is a practicing
psychotherapist and a Partner/Provider
for Gateway to Hope.)
Grants and Awards
Help Us Help Others
August 2010 – February 2011
Gateway to Hope is extremely
grateful to the following organizations
and foundations for their continuing
generous support awarded to GTH
during August, 2010 through
February, 2011. By partnering with us,
they support our mission of providing
comprehensive care at no cost to
uninsured and underinsured breast
cancer patients through our partner’s
donated services and in expanding
our outreach to the community.
Bland Family Foundation
Employees Community Fund of
Boeing St. Louis
Fischer-Bauer-Knirps
Foundation
Susan G. Komen for the Cure,
St. Louis Affiliate
Without their extraordinary generosity,
GTH could not fulfill our mission.
Please visit our website at
www.gthstl.org to find links to the
organizations that maintain websites.