About Boys - The Southport School

We all need to feel that we belong.
Boys in particular in the second
and third stages of development
begin to feel this need most
keenly. Pollack calls this
‘emotional connection’ - the
need to find people who
think and feel as we do
and accept us by validating
our feelings and experiences.
Happily, most boys find these
connections with friends,
family members, teachers and
coaches.
Unfortunately, for some, the Boy Code
and the mask of masculinity can distort
these connections. The myths of what it is
to be masculine which are fed to us in a variety of
subtle and not so subtle ways cause some boys to develop
inappropriate ways of belonging.
These are reflected in four general modes of behaviour.
> “I belong when I am noticed and the centre of
attention.” This belief leads to attention seeking and
showing off. Many boys who hold this belief are incorrectly
labelled A.D.H.D. A pattern of ignoring a boy until he
breaks something, hits a sibling or ‘waves a flag’ in
some other way, and then responding, will reinforce this
attention-seeking behaviour.
> “I belong when I am in control.” Boys who see
only powerful men or who believe power and control
to be defining male characteristics may demonstrate
inappropriate behaviours based on power struggles. Their
self worth and sense of belonging is enhanced when they
are in conflict with those they perceive to have more
power. Typically they argue over the smallest issue or
seem deliberately to provoke an argument. This may be
done by engaging in an activity which they know will
‘rattle the cage’ of parents and teachers or alternatively
by failing to do something which is required of them.