About Boys - The Southport School

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Briefly, the Boy Code states that boys assume from a very early age a mask of masculinity. They learn to be ashamed and guilty about feelings of weakness, vulnerability, fear and despair. It demands that boys be disciplined, toughened up, made to act like ‘real men’. These messages and attitudes, Pollack argues, are quite insidious and permeate even the most liberal thinking households and schools and stand in obvious contradiction to the new expectations of society for the development of caring, sharing, sensitive ‘new age’ men. There exist four basic stereotyped male ideals or models of behaviour at the heart of the Boy Code. > The ‘sturdy oak.’ Men are stoic, stable, and independent; they do not show emotion and do not grieve openly. Boys should pretend to be confident and independent even though they may be afraid and be desperate for love, attention and support. > ‘Give ’em hell.’ This stereotype is based on the assumption that ‘boys are biologically wired to act like macho high-energy violent supermen. These images of exaggerated stoicism, violent, impossibly-powerful supermen, are everywhere in film on television, computer and video screens’. > The ‘big wheel’ This represents the belief that men feel the need to achieve status, dominance and power. This imperative may drive a man to work excessive hours chasing academic or business success. Alternatively he may chase riches through gambling or status through excessive alcohol consumption. > ‘No sissy stuff’ This model of male behaviour is a cornerstone of the Boy Code. ‘It is the literal gender straightjacket that prohibits boys from expressing the feelings or urges seen (mistakenly) as 'feminine' - dependence, warmth, empathy.’ This faulty perception of masculinity demands that boys shut out these feelings. Should they be displayed, then the taunts, threats and shame that result will make a boy determined never to act that way again. As parents, educators and communities, we must strive to counter these myths of masculinity and
challenge what we know to be outmoded views of what it means to be male served up to our boys by profit driven media. We must protect and nurture the emotional lives of our boys, to help them to feel comfortable with whom they really are and to get out from behind the mask of masculinity. Pollack suggests there are some starting points for teachers and parents to get behind the mask of masculinity and to find out who our boys really are; > Become aware that the behaviours that we sometimes observe in our boys, the bravado, the acting out, uncharacteristic violence or withdrawal and sullen silence, may in fact be masking feeling and emotions that the boy does not have the vocabulary to explain. Counsellors know that the most common answer they get from a boy in trouble, initially, is that ‘everything's fine... there's nothing to talk about’ > We are unlikely to have a boy tell us how he is feeling if we come to the discussion from a punishment or correction stance. More successful is a problem solving approach starting from a point of view that ‘things do not seem to be working out too well. How could things be different or better?’ > Boys need time to let us know how they feel about things; we should attempt to become familiar with each boy's unique timing for disclosing his feelings. > ‘Connection through action’. Pollack argues that many boys are more likely to ‘open up’ while engaged in some sort of activity. Hence this connection, for which many boys long, to their parents, coaches, teachers, friends and families will occur naturally when engaged in some form of activity. The message is clear that we must be involved in our boys' lives and they in ours. The dialogue that comes from this involvement must be free, open and accepting of the full range of emotional experiences.
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