SPT-Fall2014

Dare to Be You!
By Isabelle Tierney, MA, LMFT
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is
the greatest accomplishment." Emerson
Some time in the past . . .
I'm in the middle of a hot yoga class, bending, sweating, pushing my body, struggling to not
pass out from the heat and my fight-or-flight breath. I feel awkward, big and not flexible
enough. I feel like a loser.
I look around hoping to find someone who might sympathize with my pain. No such luck. All
I see is a bevy of young, beautiful bodies who hold an amazing mix of strength, flexibility,
and, most enviously of all, thinness.
In this moment, I truly wish I had a
different body, a body like “theirs”. I
want to effortlessly open my legs into
the splits, fly up into handstand, and
sink into a perfect Warrior II. I want
to be thin, flexible, and buff like these
yogis because I assume that they
must be leading perfectly enlightened
and connected lives.
And while I know that this body of
mine will probably never be able to
attain that kind of “perfection”, I do
not care. I will do whatever it takes to
push my body into these poses, into
these perfect lives. Because being me
is not good enough. Being me means
I have this imperfect body. Being me
means I struggle with an eating
disorder. Being me means I will
always believe that I’m a f**k-up no
matter how hard I try to be better.
The Art of Comparison
Over time, I learn the art of
comparison to try to move toward
“perfection”. I leave my body and
look outside of myself to learn how to
become thin-enough, which means
good-enough, which means loveableenough.
How much does “she” eat?
How long can “she” hold that sideangle
pose? How often does “she”
exercise? What is “she” wearing
today?
And then I try to do the exact same
thing. Even if I’m so hungry and tired
that my body wants to pass out. Even
if every muscle is screaming for
mercy. Even if my clothes look
ridiculous on me. It doesn’t matter.
I’m moving farther away from my
not good-enough self and coming
closer to the woman I want to be.
Somatic Psychotherapy Today | Fall 2014 | Volume 4 Number 2 | page 74