12 April 2013 - Yeshiva College

COUNSELLORS’ CORNER
Teaching our children responsibility
I learned that there is a difference between teaching our children responsibility and making them our
servants. One evening while sitting in someone's home for a meeting I noticed their twelve year old
daughter making a phone call that was clearly for her mother. When she finished that call, her
mother asked her to make one more call. When I concluded my meeting, I asked the mother why
her daughter was making these phone calls. She answered that she thought this helps teach the
child responsibility. I told the mother that from what I could see, unless she suffers from a language
barrier and is therefore unable to make the call, if she asks a child to make a call that is clearly for
herself the only thing that she has taught her child is how to transfer responsibility.
After this encounter I did an unofficial study by asking the children who come into my office for
counselling how they feel when their parents give them responsibilities. The result of my "scientific
study" was that, for most children, the way they felt depended upon the circumstances. The children
told me that when their parents asked them to do different tasks -- make a phone call, go to the
store, etc. -- and that task was for the sake of the child or for the family as a whole, it taught the
child responsibility. When the task was clearly for the parent's own convenience, the children felt
used and it taught transference of responsibility. In the future, these children just learned to ask their
younger siblings to do tasks for them. The experience had taught them that the older and stronger
have permission to exploit the younger and weaker.
From my conversations with these children I was able to break the "responsibility vs. slavery" issue
into three parts. Firstly, when a child is asked to do something for the household, if everyone takes
part in it then the child will not feel used. For example, if there's a party and you ask each child to
give up some time and do something, then it's regarded as a common effort. Even when it's
mundane household chores, if they are split with some calculation a child will generally do them
without resentment. For example, if the boys and girls in the family are on different school
schedules, and the boys help when they are home and the girls do their share when they're
available, then children can sense a fairness and won't complain.
Secondly, it's important to make children feel that they're not just givers but also receivers of the aid
that they are expected to contribute. For example, when you ask an older child to help the smaller
children with homework, you can also promise the older child that you'll help him with his school
work when the younger children are in bed and the house is quieter. This teaches the child that the
stronger help the weaker and the bigger help the smaller.
12 April 2013 – 2 Iyar 10