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young people’s PRACTICE
Parenting, Children,
and Mindfulness
A Wonderfully Rich Practice
by Bud Reiter-Lavery
Few of the local Sangha members have young children. I have two
neighbors with children under the age of three who used to do formal
sitting meditation alone or in groups, but haven’t done so since the
birth of their children. Similarly, I didn’t go on a retreat for six years
—the time from the birth of my first child until my second child was
age three. Perhaps the formal structures of practice that we have created,
such as weekly two-hour meditation meetings, five day retreats,
etc., just don’t work well for parents with young children.
My two girls are now ages five and eight, and I am discovering that
I have more energy to engage them and others in mindfulness practice.
I am also a lot less concerned about whether I lead a group or go on
retreats. It is clearer to me now that my whole life is my practice,
which means that for me, parenting is a salient part of my mindfulness
practice, every day. My wife and kids are great Dharma teachers, both
in how they can pull out the compassionate parts of me and when they
unintentionally show me all the seeds I still need to transform. Frankly,
when my girls are tired and prone to crying, I often find myself at the
edge of my practice—and sometimes a bit beyond it.
One of my favorite quotes about mindful parenting is from
Dharma Family Treasures. It goes as follows:
Master: I have no tolerance for those who use their children as an
excuse for not practicing.
Hermit: I have no tolerance for those who use their practice as an
excuse for not parenting.
Beggar: When we fully immerse ourselves in parenting as our practice,
we answer the question, Of what use is it merely to enjoy this
fleeting world
O sincere trainees, create no Dharma orphans. Quickly is dew gone
from the grass. Quicker still are children grown.
I considered starting a monthly mindfulness morning for folks
like me with kids, but I have made it much simpler and with fewer
expectations. Once a month my girls and I have a mindfulness morning
while my wife, Lisa, goes to church. This gives Lisa a chance to
be more focused at church, and it gives the girls and me a wonderful
chance to gently and simply practice. They love reading stories about
the Buddha’s life. We also do a juice and cookie ceremony, color in a
coloring book of scenes of the Buddha’s life, sing, and sometimes do
outdoor walking meditation. We go with the flow and do whatever
seems refreshing and enjoyable. I have invited the neighbors with
children to join us, but I don’t really care if they come or not. The
time is for the girls and me to enjoy being, to enjoy our mindfulness.
It is a very relaxing time for me. I think it would drain me if I carried
expectations about providing this as a service to the community.
Being married and having children mean that I have several
other people’s needs to consider. We inter-are. So we’ve worked
out a schedule that includes time for me to go to retreats and weekly
Sangha meetings, making sure that I still have lots of time to be with
my family. Last fall was the first time I took them on a retreat with
Thay, so we are integrating family mindfulness in formal ways, but
mostly in very informal ways. While I still periodically sing Dharma
songs to them each night when I put them to bed, most of my practice
involves just being present with them.
Handmade prayer flag at the Deer Park winter retreat
Bud Reiter-Lavery, True Wonderful Awakening,
lives with his daughters Katie, age eight, and
Theresea, age five, and wife Lisa. He practices with the
Mindfulness Practice Center of Durham, North Carolina.
the Mindfulness Bell 31
photo by Emily Whittle