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I’ve always been an advocate of imbibing
throughout the course of the day. However,
due to legal limitations imposed by our fine
government, I find it rather hard to do so without
teetotaling eyes peering down on me. What most
people don’t understand is that drinking in public
can be a fun and rewarding habit. For one, the
day is hard enough walking around with all these
sober assholes lurking about, and alcohol has
always helped me tolerate them. I get the feeling
that many people think that alcoholics are not
productive, but I’ll have you know that thanks to
my concealed drinking abilities, I can now handle
my daily work load and my heavy drinking. So
with that, and SLUG’s willingness to allow me to
write a yearly “Beer Issue” tutorial, here are some
tips and tricks I’ve developed to keep myself
within my functioning parameters of inebriation
through the divine art of concealed consumption
in public.
1. Choose your location.
Being that we are in the city of salt, you can
assume there are many judgmental eyes
watching, ready to put an end to your fun. Try
to find somewhere that suits you—a location
where you feel comfortable. It’s always best to
pick a location that provides a challenge, but
still makes it manageable to get some heavy
drinking done—otherwise, you are not having
fun. Truthfully, I get my best work done at the
zoo or the grocery store. Both are ideal locations
because they provide an ample amount of
distractions, and short of the little bastards
running around, everyone minds their own
business. The Smith’s Marketplace has recently
served as a stepping-stone of education for
me after I was involved in a minor altercation
with a produce clerk who didn’t appreciate my
Monday night drunken shopping spree. Due to
my inability to maintain the standards of legal
shopping cart driving limits, and my sheer lack of
bottle concealment, I was forced to relinquish my
bounty and exit his establishment. This should
act as a firm reminder to all: Remember not to get
too drunk, and always keep your bottle tucked.
2. Choose your container.
Ditch the “beer belly” and “cellphone flask” —
they are overpriced and make you look like
a rookie. If you have the skill, stick with the
traditional flask or the bottle itself. If need be,
try some cocktail mixing inside a separately
marked bottle. Tip: That clear Arrowhead water
bottle with purple Jesus in it is not the best
idea. However, a Grape Fanta bottle will get you
bonus points for creativity.
3. The sleight of hand.
When you do that “shifty eyes look around” with
a quick jolt of the hand, it is way too obvious
you are in the works of something crafty.
That is also how pissy librarians can ruin your
enjoyable Saturday afternoon activity of using
their computers to download The Anarchist
Cookbook. Keep things smooth and discrete,
treat that produce aisle like your local watering
hole and that desk clerk like your favorite bar
maid. If you’re relaxed and throwing the flask to
your mouth like you should be, then nobody is
the wiser.
4. Dress well.
We all know the bums are scoring enough booze
and crank for the both of us, so try your hardest
Illustration: Timm Paxton
not to look like the “inner us.” Instead, try to pick
out clothing suitable for flask-tucking and bottlecovering.
Think of it this way: If all these poorly
dressed Mormons with concealed-carry permits
can get away with stuffing Dirty Harry in their
trousers, it could not possibly be that hard to
hide a little hooch in your bloomers.
5. Choose your beverage.
Finally, this would not be the beer issue if I did not
heavily advise you to drink local and drink craft.
Of course, this is SLUG, so I don’t need to advise
you to drink responsibly. I’ll just say, pick some
fine homegrown hooch and drink up. Cheers.
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