Download issue as PDF - SLUG Magazine

top
AMERICA’S
wizard
NEXT
By Giuseppe Ventrella (aka Rodney Jerkins) info@slugmag.com
Photos by Chris Swainston (aka Tyra Banks) swainstonphotography@gmail.com
Perfect is boring—switch treº flip is beautiful, Morgan Cope.
Gurl, don’t blame the photographer, blame your
parents for bad DNA, Egbert drops the impossible.
The second task involved a game of skate. Flip
tricks on a skateboard are really hard, and anyone
who tells you otherwise is lying about how much
time they put into mastering said maneuvers.
A game of skate, which always involves such
flip tricks, is even more challenging after the
rigorous “poses” the contestants were required
to complete in the previous round. At the end of
this round, Egbert was victorious in the game,
but judges determined the best photo to be a tie
among all.
The final and most challenging task involved the
true wizardry of this contest. Becoming a wizard
involves the creation of a wizard staff. While there
are many variations of the wizard staff, the most
common involves drinking cans of beer and ducttaping
the empty cans together to create a staff.
After completing one beer, you become a levelone
wizard. Two beers, and you are a level-two
wizard and so on. The winner of this game is the
wizard with the tallest staff at the end. If your staff
is as tall as you, you become a white wizard. If
there are two white wizards present, a battle to the
death with the wizard staffs must ensue.
Zip it bitch, half-cab flips are dead in my book, Hoenshell.
Walk like its for sale and rent is due today, Faust, inward heel.
Editor’s note: It is necessary to watch
an entire season of America’s Next
Top Model and be well versed in
fantasy novels before reading this
article.
It was a rainy Saturday when we met
at a local warehouse. There were six
contestants present, each going through
a series of elimination rounds in hopes
of becoming America’s Next Top Wizard.
The contestants were Levi Faust,
Morgan Cope, Brett Egbert, Cody
“Choad” Hoenshell, John Barbieri and
Milton Williamson. Each contestant was
responsible for not only completing every
Our lovely contestants: Cody “Choad” Hoenshell, Morgan Cope, John Barbieri, Brett Egbert, Milton Williamson.
task presented to them by complete
egomaniac Tyra (aka Chris Swainston),
but also producing the best photos
in each round in an attempt to avoid
elimination.
The first task involved getting the
best photo while shot-gunning and/or
chugging a beer. All contestants rose to
this task immediately, but it took several
“poses” (i.e. cans of beer) to get the
best photo possible. At the end of this
round, several soldiers had fallen, but all
the contestants were able, albeit shakily,
to stay in the running for becoming
America’s Next Top Wizard.
Cope wins the race.
However, becoming a wizard on this day evolved
by a millennia. Creating the wizard staff was only
part of the last challenge our dear contestants had
to face. Not only was each contestant responsible
for creating their own wizard staff, but they had to
follow this with a high-ollie duel to the death with
their own staff. The brave Sir Cope was willing to
lie down near the deadly staff to help his fellow
contestants get a worthy photographic joust.
In the end, wizards in training Faust and Egbert
both emerged victorious after a strenuous
battle with their own mighty staffs. While both
attained high wizard status, another round will be
necessary in the future to attain white wizardry.
Very few wizards have attained this status in the
world of skateboarding but these brave high
wizards are only a few levels away from mastering
such amazing skateboard sorcery.
Why go over the cans when you
can go through them?
After gunning a six-pack, the wizard champion
mystically flies over a six-and-half-pack.
60 SaltLakeUnderGround SaltLakeUnderGround 61