razorcake issue #16

mediator, nor did they seem to suggestany precedent or informedlogic for them. They certainly hadno “In order for us to forgive you,you must…” or “Unless you dothese, we will…” statements. Theywere merely written and handed tome, and many others. A brief synopsisof them includes a demand tocancel a tour (which was in April,and was more of a trip than a tour);that I publicly admit what I did;that I disclose my “sexual misconduct”to roommates, lovers, activistgroups I work with – as well asanywhere I perform or sell myzines; to stop touching “wymyn”(altogether); to seek therapy; totake anti-oppression training; toeducate other men about this; andto take action to “compensate”those I harmed.After the zine was distributed,a close friend, who I hada sexual history with, terminatedour friendship afterhearing about all this.Apparently, she had oftenfelt pressured by me tohave sex, and so did itmore to shut me up, orbecause she felt guilty, orfeared losing me as afriend, or because I woreher down with nagging –so she often was having sexshe didn’t really want tohave. She said, more or less,that she didn’t really want tobring this up with me untilafter reading the otherwomen’s complaints about me.She brought up points of the relationshipthat I didn’t think Iexploited so much as should havebeen more respectful and considerateof and simply was not – I wasolder, more stable in home andcareer, etc. I wasn’t decidedlymean. I really had not thought of alot of stuff I should have. I wasvery literally selfish and ignorant.One example was that growingup, her father had a history of violenceduring car trips. I knew this,that she was easily traumatized byyelling in a car. I still would yell ather during car trips. I knew somethingI did would have deep effectson her, and while I didn’t do thisspecifically TO hurt her, I was noteven considering being sensitive todeep emotions I knew she felt. Sheused the word “rape” to describehow she felt some of my actionswere “coercive” – not to describeany specific event, but to describethe tone of the relationship. Thiscrushed me. The fact that myactions could even be perceived assuch by the woman involved – thatsomeone I loved and admired andrespected had felt THAT hurt byme, was emotionally crippling.As I got in my car to drivecross-country to Portland, I foundthat the indymedia sites of the citiesI was stopping at had warningsabout the arrival of “admitted sexualassaulter, Rich Mackin” courtesyof the same people who did Baby,I’m a Manarchist! They quoted thezine as if it was another source.The results of this led to,among other things, a sizableIllustration by Rob Ruelas“Google search” list of sites thatsaid “admitted sexual predator RichMackin” which contained links tosites filled with third parties misinterpretingthe whole event in anynumber of ways.In early July, the Portland anarchistnewspaper Little Beirutrepublished the list of demandsfrom Baby, I’m a Manarchist!These included points asking me totake ownership of my actions andtelling me to “stop touchingwymyn.” Obviously, I am actingupon some demands with moregusto than others, but it’s interestingthat a three-month-old list ofthings to do was recently reprintedwithout asking the guy who it isabout if he is doing any of thethings on that list.I was asked/ demanded bynumerous people to not attend thePortland Zine Symposium in earlyAugust. However, there were plentyof copies of Manarchist as wellas stickers and fliers speaking outagainst me. Many of these calledfor “dialogue,” “communication,”and “accountability.” Yet none ofthem seemed interested in actuallycreating dialogue, simply presentingone side without contactinformation. It was clear the moodwasn’t to hold me accountable, butto humiliate and discredit me.Let me speak candidly. Imessed up. I have done some crappythings here. I admit it, and I amsorry for the bad that I have done.BUT I am only sorry for the badTHAT I HAVE DONE. Certain definitionsof assault might apply tomy actions, and the term “survive”has a definition that means “to continuedespite.” When someonerefers to “surviving assault,” theimages conjured up do not involvekissing a breast and stopping whenbeing told to stop.Was it wrong for me to do whatI did? Yes. Were there a number ofchoices I could have made to avoidthe situation? Yes. In these situations,was I consistently the onewho should have noted my powerand privilege and thus been moremindful, aware and respectful? Yes.Do I clearly have some personalissues around sex, women, boundaries,and awareness of other’s feelings?Yes, and I need to work onthis all. And I AM working on thisall, and by all means, keep me incheck, keep me accountable. Butto label me a danger, a sexualpredator, a serial rapist? Well, toco-opt a bumper sticker about post911 bombings, “Justice, NotVengeance.” Like any person, Ineed to take full and total responsibilityfor what I have done, but Ican only take responsibility forwhat I personally have done,and what I specifically havedone, not for what abstractspeople assume I have done.An aside I think isimportant…A word about holdingpeople accountable…a few friends ofmine have reacted toall this by mentioningthat they have noticedthat I do seem a bitoverly sexual, or numbto boundaries, or somethingsimilar. The feedback,even by somepeople who know theaccusers, is that I amharmless, but irritating.While only I am in chargeof my behaviors, I want tosay that if you ever findyourself in this sort of friendrole, PLEASE speak up. Youdon’t have to call your friend asexist asshole, just point outspecifics as you see them. If afriend annoys people, and it doesn’tseem to be a decided action,consider that they might benefitfrom being called on their shit.Part of being friends is helpingsomeone grow. Sometimes thebest thing you can do for someoneis give them a wake up call, no matterhow little they want it.For a longer, more rantier versionof this, you can check outwww.richmackin.org/Projects/ABC/ABC.htmlFor more information on sexualassault and what men can do tomake themselves more aware,check out.www.thesafetynet.orgwww.mencanstoprape.orgwww.menagainstsexualviolence.orgAnd to see some of the lessonsI learned as a result of all of this,check out next issue’s column.–Rich Mackin17