razorcake issue #16

Nørb: Yeah, but i don’t really like Daredevilthat much. But i like the new series going onnow.Jason: You don’t like Daredevil?Nørb: He never really grabbed me. He was likeBatman, but monochromatic, and with worsevillains.Jason: But he would bust people for angeldust. That was the best. And it was funny. Theangel dust dealers would be like “Yo, man!Come on, Jack!” It made it funny. Like theFalcon.Nørb: “Christmas, Misty!” Like Luke Cage(Marvel’s blaxploitation hero of the ‘70s).Jason: Yeah, like Luke Cage.[A-Frames begin set, further adding to alreadycopious levels of background noise]Nørb: Okay, you have been described assounding similar to the Buzzcocks. Is this anapt comparison?FM Knives: NO!!!Nørb: Exactly! If you had your way, whomwould you want people to say you soundedlike?Ed: Uh... the Kinks?Jason and Chris: hyuk hyuk hyuk! [they feigndumping a pitcher of beer on Ed’s head]72...Who is this “Edgar Bergen” of which you speak,and why does he keep putting his hand up the back of my shirt?Otto Preminger very much enjoyed the opportunity to jam with his long-time idols, the FM Knives.Nørb: I think you sound like the Starjetsplaying 999 songs in a barn. No, 999 playingStarjets songs in a barn!Ed: I love 999. We all do.Nørb: Of course you do!Chris: I lean towards ripping off the Kinksas much as possible.Jason: We don’t really...Nørb: No, i understand. I just wanted to seeif you liked the tag or not.Ed: Well, it’s not an insult... but you can’tcopy the Buzzcocks. No one can.Nørb: Even the Buzzcocks can’t copy theBuzzcocks these days. They don’t have theright drummer!Ed: Yeah, you can’t copy them, they’ve got avery signature sound.Jason: I think we sound more like Stiff LittleFingers.Ed: Yeah. Yeah. That’s more apt.Nørb: I’m still voting for 999.Ed: That’s fine. They’re one of my favoritefavorite favorite bands.Jason: But we don’t wear ties like 999. Wedon’t starch our shirts. We don’t wear pastels.Nørb: Well i wore a goddamn basketball jersey,don’t look at me![amazingly annoying A-Frames riff obliteratesseveral seconds of conversation]Nørb: ...anyway, you were this amazinglyunknown band from Sacramento, whonobody knew anything about, and the onlyinformation that could be gleaned from yourCD was that you were on the same label asthe Li’l Bunnies...Ed: Not anymore. And thank God.Nørb: Well, was anybody in the band actuallyIN the Li’l Bunnies? I wanna hear thatgoddamn story about the parade, and…FM Knives: NO. NOBODY KNOWS WHOWAS IN THE LI’L BUNNIES.Ed: That’s a Sac secret.Nørb: I AM GOING TO HEAR THATPARADE STORY!Ed: It’s a Sac secret. It’s just one of thosethings.Nørb: I understand.FM Knives: NOBODY KNOWS WHOWAS IN THE LI’L BUNNIES.Nørb: That’s okay. I don’t know who theRhythm Chicken is, either.Ed [unconvincingly]: I honestly don’tremember who was in that band.Nørb: Well, these things happen. Have youhad any people tell you that you sound likeyou’re from England?FM Knives: Yeah.Nørb: What bands have you ever mistakenlythought were from England?Jason: I’ve never made that mistake. I’m notas stupid as the people who listen to ourband. I’m much smarter than all you peoplereading this!Nørb: My friend once thoughtthe Ramones – the quintessentialAmerican band – were fromEngland.Jason: When I’m singing in theshower, I always find myselfsinging along to English bands,and I feel like the biggest BillieJoe...Ed: England is just a superiorpunk country. Way superior.Nørb: I think there’s a line inthe sand between people whothink British people singingpunk is cooler and people whothink singing in a fake Southernaccent is cooler... you know,people who think “woman” hasthree syllables in it.Jason: There’s nothing coolabout singing in that Wang-Dang Southern accentSupersuckers shit. There’sNOTHING fucking cool aboutit.Nørb: TESTIFY!Ed: Bullshit! That’s got nothingto do with... we don’t like it.Jason: That’s not an opinion,that’s a fact.Ed: Yeah. Give me a Britishband any day. They have anhonest quality that a lot ofAmerican bands lack. (note: ican say with some certainty thatthis is the first time i’ve everheard this opinion expressed!)They’re more straightforward.There are so many one-hit wondersin British punk...Jason: ...and they’re greaterthan the whole Nashville Pussycatalog.Ed: American punk is a bunchof horseshit right now.Nørb: Actually, i like theNashville Pussy song on theShakedown compilation quite abit.Ed: British bands are just better,for some reason. Whoknows why? They just are.Nørb: But, uh... the reality ofEnglish punk today is that it’smostly all ska-punk, and thedominant form of popularmusic of the day there seems tobe Nu-Metal, specificallySlipknot...Ed: Yeah, metal’s the fuckingdeath of everything.Jason: Their critics are thebiggest idiots...[indecipherablecastigation of UK rock critics]...theLibertines andSupergrass are the two extremelygood British bands right now.Nørb: My friend’s band justplayed with Supergrass.FM Knives: REALLY???