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razorcake issue #16

razorcake issue #16

razorcake issue #16

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Nørb: Okay, i give up. What bands are good rightnow?FM Knives: The Libertines and Supergrass.Jason: That’s just British bands.As far as American bands go, Ilike a lot of the Northwest bands.I like the Hunches, the A-Framesare good... who else?Nørb: The Epoxies? The Briefs?The Spits?Jason: The Briefs are all right, Iguess. I kind of like them.They’ve got a good drummer.Nørb: Yes they do. That guy canplay eighth notes like a motherfuckingmotherfucker.Jason: The first bad review wegot said something like “all thesefucking revisionist bands like theEpoxies and the FM Knives!”That was pretty funny.Turd [making a loud, drunkencameo appearance]: ROCKER!!!THIN LIZZY!!! I LOVE THINLIZZY, THEY’RE THE MOSTROCKINEST ROCKERS OFALL TIME!!!Nørb: Rock, Turd, Rock. [toband] So, enjoying the localcolor?FM Knives: Yeah, this is the first time we’ve beenout here. Milwaukee is pretty cool.Nørb: Yeah. It’s got its drawbacks, though. It’s one ofthose places that discovered “garage” like five yearsafter everyone else, so now...Ed: That shit is so boring.Jason: Yeah, there’s nothing worse than all thosebands...Nørb [helpfully]: All what bands?Jason: You know, the bands that go WHAAAAH!DUGGADUGGADUGGADUGGA NERT-NERT,NORT-NORT, NERT-NERT, NORT-NORT...Nørb: Do that one more time.Jason [helpfully]: WHAAAAH! DUGGADUG-GADUGGADUGGA NERT-NERT, NORT-NORT,NERT-NERT, NORT-NORT...GIRL I TELL YOUDEHHT DEHHT DEHHT DUH DEHHT DUH.They’re worse than surf bands. They always have aguy with the Prince Valiant hairdo, and they’re thebiggest jackasses.Ed: I don’t dig it. I don’t like it. It’s real fucking boring.[band all talks at once about what they like and don’tlike. All i can come away with is that Ed thinks oi ismelodic and pleasing, and Chris likes the Gang ofFour, which Ed hates]Jason: I mean, we don’t take it so seriously. Lookhow we’re dressed. We’ve just been playing music forso long in the shadow of San Francisco.Ed: Jackasses. If you’re from Sac, you’ll never becool enough.Jason: Like, they’re playing a loft, so they’re so muchbetter than you.[Jason and Ed begin ranting and raving about somethingthat seems to have to do with San Francisco, butthey are generally talking at once, and their remarksdon’t seem to hold any continuity of context, so fuckit]Chris [acknowledging his contrastto his bandmates’ highlyagitated states]: I’m on a lot ofcold medicine right now.Nørb: Fair enough, sir. Okay,best albums of all time? Bestsongs?Ed: Aw, come on, man...Nørb: If not the best, yourfavorites...Ed: How ‘bout Bold As Loveby Hendrix?Chris (unless it was Jason):Best Friend by the EnglishBeat, and that first Specialsalbum...Nørb: I like the announcer atthe beginning of Bold As Love,about the very dodgy subject ofUFOs...Ed: Paul Caruso.Jason: I think “Mannequin” byWire is one of the most perfectsongs... if I could write a songlike that...Ed: ...the second and thirdSaints albums.Nørb: The third one? Thefourth one’s better than thethird one.FM Knives: NO WAY!!!Nørb: I like “The MonkeyPuzzle.” I don’t like“Prehistoric Sounds” at all.Jason: Really???Ed: Aw, MAN!!!Jason: ...Exile on Main Street,of course...Ed: I dunno, we’ve all got somany records. We’ve been collectingrecords forever.Nørb: Please! Tell us what thefirst record you bought was!Ed: First record I bought, whenI was in third grade, wasSurfin’ USA. Then next I gotElvis Presley, and I bought aKinks album when I was nine.Nørb: What Kinks album?Ed: Live at Kelvin Hall. It wasa really crappy live album.Nørb: Named after the guywho invented the Kelvin thermometer,Lord Kelvin!Ed: I got it at the TowerRecords in Sacramento.Chris: I bought Van Halen,Diver Down, in Berkeley.Jason: I think mine wasBigger and Deffer by LL CoolJ.Nørb: He’s actually playing atthe casino in my home townnext month. [all take note ofBetty Page videos now playingoverhead] Well, since we’vegot it on TV now, howimpressed are you with girlswho try to look like BettyPage?Ed: Not very.Jason: I’m sadly stillimpressed with them, I can’tget over it. I try to not be asucker and look at them, but...Ed: They don’t like us anyway.Nørb: This was all theoretical,remember.Chris [remains silent] (turnsout he has a wife who actuallyDOES look like Betty Page,thus sagely sidestepped theentire <strong>issue</strong>)Jason: I only like girls thatdon’t like me.Nørb: It’s a lot safer that way.[spying the heretofore AWOLZack walking by]: Hey, look!It’s your missing band member!Missing band member!Missing band member! Pleasetell us your name, your instrument,and the best albumreleased in the year of yourbirth!Zack: I really don’t know.Nørb: Thank you. You’ve beena great help.Chris (in his cold medicine torpor,finally gets around toanswering the question askedtwo questions previously):King of the Road, Roger Miller.Nørb: Robin Hood soundtrack,rock on! Parting comments?Jason: Bye.Ed: Bye.Chris: Bye.Nørb: Well said.75

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