razorcake issue #16

Sean: Who’s the abusive lady on youranswering machine and why does she wantyou to bring her a picture of a nakedmidget?Shawn: That would be my wonderful boss,Karen, who has been cool enough to let mework there as long as I have and consistentlybe late every fucking day. I don’t evenbother to set my alarm anymore. She justcalls to wake me up. And, one time, sheheard a story about me going to a strip cluband having a midget sit on my lap. SoKaren was very excited to see the midgetpicture. I had forgotten to bring the picturethe day before, so she was reminding me.Scott: Tell him how you earned the picture.Shawn: The midget – her name is LittleLacy – walked around with a cup betweenher legs, and you had to wad up a dollar billand throw it in there. Two dollars. That’sall it cost me.Sean: What do you do that the boss letsyou be late every day?Shawn: I work in a restaurant. I don’t domuch there. I show up late and bring picturesof midgets and get paid for it.Sean: How many karaoke bars have youguys been kicked out of with Tiltwheel?Russ: That was awesome. That was us andthe Dukes of Hillsborough and Tiltwheel. Itwas the first night we met up in SouthCarolina. I walked up to the bar and said,“What’s your best drink deal?” The bartendersaid, “Twenty-five-cent NaturalLights.” So I put a five on the bar and said,“Give me as many as I can get with this.”And this was a really nice place. Therewere customers wearing boating shoes andshit. It was so yuppie. They loved us.Especially Mike and his pick-up line.Mike: Yeah. That was when I was single.The waitress came by and she said, “Can Iget y’all anything?” and I looked at themenu and was like, “I don’t see you on themenu.” She tried to laugh it off, but I waslike, “I’m serious.” One thing lead toanother. There was some alley activity. Afew short moments. [laughs]Shawn: You’re just getting yourself introuble here, Mike.Mike: I’ll quit kidding. We got kicked outbecause our roadie wanted to sing“Brickhouse” on karaoke and they shutdown karaoke. So he made pretty big sceneabout it.Shawn: They thought we were gay men.There was this girl dancing with this guy,and we said, “Can we cut in?” and the girlsaid, “Sure. All right.” So we grabbed theguy and started dancing around him.Russ: This girl was acting like, “Oh, I’m sohot.” It was fun just to fuck with her. Shewas attractive, but she was taking too muchliberty with her attractiveness.Shawn: But, if anything happened to theair conditioning in the karaoke bar, wedon’t know anything about it.Sean: What happened to it?Russ: Our roadie cut all the belts andhoses. He was pissed.Mike: He was that upset that he couldn’tsing “Brickhouse.” He said, “Hey Mike, letme borrow your knife.” I was drunk, so Isaid, “Okay.” I gave him my knife. Heclimbed up there. It was so inconspicuous.Five guys climbed up there, and four morewere on the ground looking up. And he justtrashed it. We drove by the next day andthey had an air conditioning guy up thereworking on it. We did it on a Friday night.Apparently the next day, Saturday, wasreally busy and really hot. We never gotcaught.Sean: Who was Frank Provost?Russ: He’s our old bass player. He got meplaying in a band again. He’s my neighbornow.Sean: Why’d he leave the band?Russ: He wasn’t into touring. We wantedto tour. But it was no big deal. We’re allstill friends.Shawn: He’s in Hankshaw right now,which is really cool for him.Russ: It worked out because we got Mike,and he can parallel park a van. You’d thinkthat’s all he’s good for, but he’s a prettygood lay, too.Sean: And didn’t you once pass out whilerecording a song?Mike: I was in Russ’s bedroom. We wererecording our acoustic ten inch(Floribraska), and it was only for a second.You can’t notice it on the recording.Shawn: He was hunched over the wholetime. Just staring. It was an exercise inalcohol consumption.Mike: We were a little stewy.Russ: We recorded that ten inch, allacoustic songs, because we’re all into countrymusic – old stuff like Bill Monroe andHank Williams. We had some kinda countrysongs that we’d been practicing, so wedecided to do that dumb, stupid acousticrecord. We all got together on a Sunday andwatched the Bucs play. We had some beerswhile we watched the game. Then, we setup everything to record, which took anothercouple of hours, so we drank more whilewe were setting up. By the time we startedrecording, we were already drunk. I don’teven remember recording a couple ofsongs. I don’t remember doing 49