Mindfulness and Liberation True Love Global Sangha: - The ...

true LOVElate at night at the LowerHamlet. I smiled, seeingthat life always asks us torespond to what is needed in this very moment in whatever formit appears, no more, no less. In the faces of mothers and fathersI met, I began to see their dedication and effort, their steadinessand generosity, their tiredness and exhaustion, and I felt muchappreciation and compassion for them.Looking Deeply at MotherhoodBut amazingly, when I looked more deeply, I saw manymothers who could not appreciate themselves as mothers, or whoappreciated themselves very little, and I began to wonder whythis was so. One aspect is that our modern society doesn’t reallyvalue being “just a mother,” but there are also inner attitudes thatcontribute. One is the ideal of the “perfect” mother as a sourceof never-ending energy for her children, which is very hard tolive up to and can lead to feeling “never good enough.” Thereare many such ideals, personal and collective, transmitted to usby our mothers, grandmothers, ancestors, and society. We needawareness of these expectations to be able to relax into the challengesof daily life with loving kindness towards ourselves andacceptance of our limitations.Listening to mothers talking to one other, I also discoveredthat about eighty percent of their conversation is about the life,growth, and development of their children, and very little of itis about how they themselves are growing as mothers and whatthey are learning about themselves. Becoming a mother seemsso natural that there is often little awareness about what it reallymeans in one’s personal life and growth. It is very beneficial tolook at this.After offering days of mindfulness for families for some years,I started to offer retreats for mothers so that they could take timeand space to deeply look into motherhood. In guided meditationswe look into what we have learned as mothers, what we have givento our children, and what they have given to us. One participantsaid, “I learned with my children something I could not acceptbefore: that I can’t control life. With my children I constantly needto let go of my plans and see my needs as only one part of the wholepicture.” Another said, “I feel so challenged to develop patience,seeing my daughter forgetting her jacket here and there.” Just bygiving attention, mothers see so many of the wholesome qualitiesthey have cultivated. Joy, appreciation, confidence, and strengthgrow out of this awareness. If I appreciate and love myself as amother, appreciation and love for my child can flow naturally.Another common concern among mothers is finding time andenergy to practice a spiritual path. A frequent comment is “I amoften too tired for sitting meditation.” A mother of a young childcannot spend hours in sitting meditation, but we are challengedto cultivate and strengthen qualities of heart and mind, which weoften attempt to do in extended retreats. In our tradition, we areinvited to practice twenty-four hours a day, and we will not findany place or time on earth that doesn’t allow us to practice being14 Winter/Spring 2011I need to look deeply to see that bymindful. But we need totake care of ourselves andrestore our energy in orderto sustain and strengthen the energy of mindfulness, concentration,and insight.respecting myself, I respect my child.“Mama, You Can Go Rest”To take time “just for myself ” is often challenging for amother. I need to look deeply to see that by respecting myself, Irespect my child. Every hour of every day, I transmit everythingto my child: my joy, irritation, contentment, sadness, the way Italk, the way I think or handle my emotions. Of course, parentswant to offer the best to their children—the best food, the bestkindergarten, and the best school—but they also need to keep inmind Thay’s teaching that the best we can offer is our true presenceand our own happiness.The practice of stopping to care for myself and my child iscrucial. If I stop and take three breaths, I can come back to myselfand remember, “I am here for me and I am here for you.” When Iam in touch with myself, I feel my true needs and learn to take careof them. I need to nourish myself with the same wholesome nutrimentsI feed my child. In my experience, children understand andsupport our efforts to do this. When Jonathan grew old enough tono longer need a nap in the afternoon, I told him that I still neededthis time to stop and renew myself. Nowadays he sometimes tellsme, “Mama, you can go rest.” We need creativity to find time forour true needs and we need discipline to take care of them.It is wonderful to sit in a circle of mothers, sharing our joyand pain, our experiences and questions. Let us create circles ofmothers to support one other on the path of learning true love forourselves, our children, and all beings.Bettina Romhardt, Tree of True Awakening,is a Dharma teacher practicing with herson Jonathan (7), her husband Kai, and theSangha Zehlendorf/Berlin.