Mindfulness and Liberation True Love Global Sangha: - The ...

true LOVEThe DiamondWithinBy HansOn the one hand I needed thefamily, and on the other handthere was danger in the family.TThe Third Mindfulness Training is about integrity, about attacksand defense, and about sexual abuse. Sexual energy is a very strongforce. It can be an extremely destructive fire if it is not embeddedin the safety of love. If someone is sexually assaulted, the reactionis to protect oneself by raising a shield, like putting on an iron harness.It provides protection, but it also blocks communication. Itis a prison … no openness, no space, no freedom, just lonelinessand fear. If someone is abused, he or she is put into a prison fromwhich it is very difficult to get out.When I was nine years old, my parents were killed in a caraccident. After losing them, I realized that I had to take care of alot of things myself. One of these things was to join people whocould help me. I met a family that matched very well with myown background. Gradually we grew toward each other until weconsidered each other as family. We shared many happy moments.Some years later, my foster father showed interest in a sexualrelationship with me. He talked about it often and one time hetried to abuse me. At that time I was quite strong and quick and Iprevented him from abusing me. From that time on, my feelingsabout the family were ambiguous. On the one hand I needed thefamily, and on the other hand there was danger in the family. Ifelt suspicious; the family had lost part of its safety and trust. Ifound myself playing a role rather than being spontaneous. Homeseemed to be polluted. I felt less freedom, less expression, lessgrowth. I was surrounded by an unseen prison.18 Winter/Spring 2011I Had to LiveMuch later, all of the family got to know my foster father’sabusive activities, because they were not limited to me. I saw thedamage that was done within and outside the family. By that timeI was a father myself. My wife and I realized that our child mightbe at risk. As often happens, the family tried to restore harmonyby forgiving and forgetting. For me, it resulted in a moral conflictI could not live with. I chose to leave the foster family and sawthem no more.My decision had effects that were difficult to deal with. I wasill for almost a year. I experienced hell, mentally and physically,especially at night. I tried to cope in many ways, with help frommy wife, from friends, from therapists and doctors. I studied,changed work, and tried my best to be a good father and husband.One day I found myself walking in nature beside a small foreststream, suddenly discovering that I had the wish to exist no more.I also realized that I had to live, because I did not want my kids tohave the same pain I had myself: to be without a father. One monthlater I realized that an unhappy father will cause unhappy childrenand an unhappy wife. I decided that I had to become happy, eventhough I did not feel capable of change anymore.I took a book, The Way to Happiness, by the Dalai Lama, frommy wife’s bookshelf, and started doing exercises in our attic everyday, meditating on emptiness and compassion. After most meditationsI fell into a calm, deep sleep, without nightmares. After a few