Mindfulness and Liberation True Love Global Sangha: - The ...

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true LOVEClosest tothe HeartBy Athina RosarioIt took the birth ofmy son, and anothervisit to the emergencyroom, to make metruly consider whata loving, respectfulrelationship would be.Athina Rosario is a mom, daughter, andteacher of English, yoga, and Tai Chi.She lives in southern California with herson, Zen, and her dog, Boo-Boo.WWhen the Dalai Lama was asked to address the problem of depressionand suicide in the United States, he was taken back that therewas a situation to consider. Embedded in Buddhism and much ofAsian culture is the idea of respect, not only for others but alsofor self. The notion of not liking ourselves is as foreign as notappreciating existence. Here in the West, value is not necessarilyequated with just being. Our value increases or decreases with themoney we make, the possessions and positions we have, or ouroverall standing compared to others. We live with debilitating coredoubts such as, “Am I good enough? Am I lovable?”At forty-two years of age, I’ve had my share of relationships.There was friendship, even marriage, but there was also muchheartache. For eight years, I stayed in a marriage where I wasbeaten and threatened with my life if I left. Lacerations to mymouth and strangulation were not enough for me to realize that Ideserved to be loved. It took the birth of my son, and another visitto the emergency room, to make me truly consider what a loving,respectful relationship would be. If my son was to have love in his22 Winter/Spring 2011
true LOVEphotos by Paul DavisTrue Love from Mutual RespectWhat makes loving so difficult is that as we get closer andmore intimate with one another, there is also a greater responsibility.Our dreams and hopes are closest to our hearts. It makessense that we also guard our insecurities and self-doubts close toour hearts. That’s where they’re most protected. To put one’s egoaside to hear the needs of a lover, listening for what’s not beingsaid, requires great courage. It means hearing beyond words andseeing beyond hurt. That is an act of a true love. It is no wonderthat the root word of courageous, “coeur,” means “heart.”Thay’s commentary on the Third Mindfulness Training makesa distinction between the Vietnamese words tinh and nghia, bothassociated with the idea of love. Tinh is love that’s passionate andcompletely absorbing. Nghia may grow from passion, but it’s thelove that grows over time out of a mutual respect for one another.Only in the context of nghia can true love exist. As we gain greateraccess to our lover’s heart, we are also entrusted with the responsibilityto safeguard what has been given to us.In three weeks, I’ll be celebrating my third year anniversarywith my partner. For the past three years I’ve had a good friend.He doesn’t share the practice that I have, but he’s learning. He,like me, has insecurities and doubts. However, he doesn’t cringefrom responsibility. He takes the time to truly listen, not only tome but also to himself. What’s different about him is also what’sdifferent about me. Though our relationship began with two peopleseeking solace from the hurt of previous relationships, because ofa mutual respect for one another and for ourselves, our relationshipcontinues to grow.life, it would have to begin with me. I would have to learn how tolove myself and not accept the disrespect of someone who couldnot truly love me.After my divorce, I had a boyfriend who had the same spiritualpractice that I did. Though there was no physical abuse, hebelittled those around him. Once, while caressing me, he froze,got up, and walked off without saying a word. Later, he said, “Youlook like a mother.” From that point on, whenever I looked at mybody, I no longer felt lovable.In our talks, he acknowledged that he felt insecure. In his pastrelationships, he thought that women didn’t love him, but had anagenda behind the guise of love to get something—a marriageproposal, a baby, security. He believed that it was always somethingother than him that was lovable. I was the same. We sharedthe belief that we weren’t good enough as we were, creating thedynamic in which he was belittling and I was belittled. It was onlyhow we manifested our insecurity that differed.the Mindfulness Bell 23
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Page 37 and 38: true LOVETouchingthe MasterBy Aparn
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