Obama or Romney? - St Paul's High School

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Volume 66, Issue 2 October 31, 2012School NewsMr. Stadnyk’s Leaked Autobiography“My name is Danny Tanner, and I have the Problem”4Mr. StadnykTeacherNicknames are an interestingthing. Sometimes they providea great insight into someone’s pastand sometimes they are just random.The story of my first nicknameis an intricate look into theshady past of one’s childhoodwhich often manytry to forget but giddy-uphere we go.It all started as anew decade filled withhope began. That decadewas the 1990’s. In 1990Brian Mulroney was thePrime Minister, GeorgeH. W. Bush was President,Driving Miss Daisywon the Oscar for BestPicture, the Grammy forRecord of the Year wentto Bette Midler for “WindBeneath My Wings”, andof course the San Francisco49ers won Super BowlXXIV by defeating Denver55 to 10.In September of1990 I was starting gradethree at Royal School.Royal School is the elementaryschool in theSuburb Beautiful, or thatschool the grade elevenand twelve’s drive by to go to Mc-Donald’s, Subway, or Tim Horton’sat lunch.Grade three is when it allstarted. It was the simple days ofschool when almost everything wastaught by one teacher and in thesame classroom. Grade three hadthe simple comforts of having yourown desk where you kept all yourschool supplies inside. Miss Hillwas the grade three teacher who hada reputation of ensuring studentswere neat, tidy, and with everythingin order.Very quickly into the newschool year I learned that her reputationwas well deserved. Miss Hillwould pick up the desks of studentsand literally would hold the desk upand dump everything out if the deskwas too messy.Now simple gender prejudiceswill suggest that grade threegirls would probably not have theirdesks dumped while nine-year-oldboys would be messy and all havetheir desks dumped.Mr. Stadnyk in Grade 3.While these stereotypes almostplayed out as all of the desksof the boys were dumped expect forone boy. I was the only boy whohad his desk neat and tidy puregold enough to not get picked upand dumped out. For me it did notrequire any effort to keep my deskclean it just made sense. Everythinghas its own place so put it back in itsplace.That is when I was rightfullygiven my first nickname. As theschool year progressed and I veryquickly became the sole male survivorof the game of desk dumping,my peers affectionately referred tome as Danny Tanner.Danny Tanner was the fathercharacter on the hit television showFull House, which was an ABC sitcomthat lasted 8 seasons. DannyTanner was a single father who hadhis friend and brother-in-law moveinto his home to help raise Danny’sthree daughters. The family lived inSan Francisco, the home of the NFCfinalist 49ers. Danny was a morningnews host but that isnot where I earned mynew name.Danny was obsessedwith cleaning. Often duringthe show he wouldclean the house and evenclean his cleaning products.For Danny springcleaningwas his idea offun. Imagine someonewho actually likes toclean.Well as someonewho did not get his deskdumped I realized thatnot only did I like tohave a clean desk but Ialso liked cleaning andputting things back intotheir place. So the nicknameof Danny Tannerwas given and stuck forthe next three years untilI moved on to the hallsof Charleswood JuniorHigh.While attending awedding this past Novemberin B.C., a fellow studentfrom grade three asked me if I wasstill a neat freak. I had to admit thatI did make the hotel bed that morningto which he responded, “I ampretty sure they pay people to dothat for you. Oh Danny Tanner it isgood to see that some things do notchange.”When I reflect back on mygrade three experiences I realizethat many of my quirky tendenciestoday have been prevalent and deeprooted in me for whatever reasonContinuedPlease See Article entitledDanny Tanner on Page 6
Volume 66, Issue 2 October 31, 2012for many years.I will admit that being uptightand rigid about tidiness is myown problem, but today I still havetrouble trying to understand the otherside how it is pure gold.After helping clean up afterlast year’s junior varsity basketballtournament at St. Paul’s, I discoveredsunflower seeds under thestands. Not in a cup or bottle butjust spit onto the floor. I try to understandtheir perspective but I cannothelp but think “Seriously, whodoes that?”When I am asked why I getso many people to help “volunteer”to clean up the lunchroom, I answer“I wish I did not need to”. You literallyneed to walk by a garbagecan in order to leave the cafeteriaso why would you not take an extrafive seconds in your life to puteverything into its place. Imaginea world where students could nolonger get lunchroom clean-ups becauseeverything was already clean.I personally would be so happy thatEmilio AbiusiContributorEnforcer of St. Paul’scanon law, Geography teacherextraordinaire, master of the minorinfraction, responsible for thousandsof after school hours, in the JUGroom. Most of you know him as Mr.Stadnyk, but what you might notknow is Mr. Stadnyk’s double life.This summer police radio scannershave picked up numerous cases ofcrimes about to be committed, butby the time the police have arrivedat the scene, all that remained wereunconscious would-be criminalswith green slips of paper on theirforehead. Police have been tryingto track down the cause of thesemysterious arrests all summer, butso far have found nothing. Theonly lead they have is the commonrecurrence of witnesses saying theyhave spotted a silver streak flashbefore their eyes and were unable tosee for minutes. When the witnesses’sight returned they noticed that thesuspicious youth hanging aroundseven eleven, all had mysteriousgreen post it notes attached to theirforehead. Beyond the silver flash,School NewsI would take a rag and wash the tablesevery day.The more I think about it themore I realize I am an odd minoritywhen it comes to cleanliness andputting things back into their places.Two summers ago whilepulling up to a Sobeys I noticed awoman and a teenaged girl pushinga cart to the SUV parked beside thespot I was pulling into. As I got outthe girl jumped into the SUV passengerseat and started texting awaywhile the mother had unloaded theircart and started to climb into theirSUV. However their cart was leftbeside their vehicle despite the factthat the cart corral was literally 10metres away.I will admit that part of mewas concerned that if they left thecart there it might roll into my carwhich would not only damage mybeautiful cherry red with a tint ofrust coloured paint but also mostlikely write off my car. So forwhatever reason I felt the need tothe only other common factor ineach situation is the victims, whoall happen to be around the ages of14-18.So far the police have beenunable to track down the vigilanteonly know as the “silver streak”.One witness under the fake name“Laquisha” tells her story. “I waswalking through Charleswood,when I saw some nice young boyswith their shirts unbuttoned. Nextthing I knew there was a flash!When I woke up the boys was lyingon the ground with green notes ontheir forehead!” When asked if shenoticed anything else unusual shesaid she noticed a man with longflowing hair walking down a streetnext to them. So far the police havenot been able to track down themystery man.When I first heard of thisstory I was a bit perplexed. Theonly person I knew who would dosomething like that would be Mr.Stadnyk. But Mr. Stadnyk wouldnever have long hair, it is againsthis code! Maybe the mystery man ishis famous movie star brother? Buttell her “Why don’t you put yourcart away?” To which she responded“Why don’t you put it away forme?” So as I pushed her cart theexcruciating 10 meters and whilehalf expecting an egg to hit me frombehind, I wondered how I could recoverthe 10 seconds it took me toput a cart back into its place. Moreimportantly I wondered if it was myfault that what she did, or did not do,bothered me. While I will save theenvironmental lectures for my poorgrade ten geography students, I cannothelp but think that this “someoneelse will do it” attitude has hadand will have a very negative impacton the planet. If I had a friend, andif they let me house sit their home,at the end of my stay would I leavetheir home a mess with garbageeverywhere? I would not, so whywould I treat my parking lot, cafeteria,school, or planet any different.However what do I know becauseI will be the first to admit that myname is Danny Tanner and I havethe problem.Enforcer of St. Paul’sUncovering the true identity of Mr. Stadnyk...when I walked into St. Paul’s for mygrad year I noticed the hair. Stadnykhas long hair, so I got curious.When asked about his new style heinstantly tried to change the subject,and when asked for a picture ofhis hair he pulled some nonsenseabout “school phone policy”. Whatman would not allow a picture tobe taken of his hair for journalisticpurposes??Is it possible that St. Paul’sown enforcer is the masked manknown as the Silver Streak? Couldthe Geography teacher by dayactually be doing something atnight besides marking tests? IsMr. Stadnyk’s blatant disregard ofschool dress code actually becausehe is a man for others? And whenis the movie coming out? Only timewill tell, until then, the Crusadernews room will keep you posted onthe story.Emilio Abiusi is a freelancewriter, and enjoys slurpees, a goodcup of Joe, and long walks on thebeach. Follow him on twitter!@El_milio5
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Obama or Romney? - St Paul's High School

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