Westside Reader March 2016

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14 • THE Reader March 2016 m r. Sa n ta C l a r i ta Va l l e y Polish lives matter by John Boston Reader Columnist Recently, I spotted a headline most vile and potentially racist in a local media outlet. I won’t name names. But this certain anonymous news organization is also famous for their two-song music library: the stirring “Horse With No Name” by the band, America, and anything by the Carpenters. This anonymous SCV AM hometown radio station — OH NERTZ!! I DIDN’T MEAN TO TYPE THAT!! Oh well. I hate rewrites more than revealing a source. I suppose no one is going to die if I name names. The culprit, normally the champion of both eye-wateringly bad music and holder of this valley’s heart, penned this racist story on their website recently: VEHICLE STRIKES POLE IN SANTA CLARITA, POLE FALLS ON SECOND VEHICLE. Being Polish, this just peeves me to no end. Well. Actually, I’m half-Polish. I’d like to tell you which side — front, back, top or bottom — where I’m Polish. Sadly and recently, I underwent a procedure where I was gerrymandered and I can no longer point to the body parts that are actual, pure Polska. Still. In the politically correct climes, I must ask: How often does this systemic violence occur with Polish people as the victim? Sitting at my computer, I clicked on the offending KHTS screamer. I’ve been in journalism many weeks now and I’ve never seen a headline this long before. Well. One that long without using German words. The hed, read: A VEHICLE REPORTEDLY HIT A POLE WEDNESDAY AT SIERRA HIGHWAY AND GOLDEN VALLEY ROAD IN SANTA CLARITA, CAUSING THE POLE TO FALL ON ANOTHER VEHICLE, AUTHORITES SAID. Boy howdy. You need a smoke after reading that aloud. I don’t know if KHTS was using the Internet as some sort of strange, millennial performance art. But when you clicked on the headline, the entire story seemed eerily similar to the headline: A vehicle reportedly hit a pole Wednesday at Sierra Highway and Golden Valley Road in Santa Clarita, causing the pole to fall on another vehicle, authorities said. Did local radio station KhTS recently underplay a possible hate crime when it reported a “Vehicle Struck a Pole?” haunting and disturbing photo courtesy of KhTS. Maybe there was a stutterer working the KHTS copy desk that night. But, excuse me and throw in a stern, “ahem” to hide my outrage — “hit a pole?” “pole?” Lower-case? Was it KHTS’ desire to demean all the Polish people in the SCV (names and cell phone numbers of wonton divorced Polish sisters available on request)? This riparian Santa Clarita Valley was built almost entirely on the labor, sweat, inspiration and vision of Polish people. Henry Clay Needhamski, Newhall’s three-time failed Prohibition Party presidential candidate in the 1920s? Polish. Newhall town founder Henry Mayo Newhallowitz? Polish. Current SCV Sheriff’s Captain, Roosevelt Johnsonowski? Polish. Our local hospital foundation president, Marlee Laufferk? Polish. Do you realize the maelstrom that would incinerate the planet if KHTS conveniently forgot to capitalize “korean” or “hispanic”? When did the good people whose roots can be traced, via crayon, to Poland, deserve to not have their first letter capitalized? I also take KHTS to task for their terrible and shallow reporting. Was the Pole hurt after the vehicle hit him or her? (Probably not. We are a resilient people.) Was the driver of the Pole-striking vehicle arrested, or, at least shot? What was the motive behind the vehicle hitting the Pole? Was this a hate crime? Could the vehicle have been driven by Poland’s arch-enemies for centuries, the Samoans, who really have no business having their name capitalized and have been obsessed with expanding their unreasonable boundaries from Polynesia to the Polish steppes? This is also part of a pattern of aggressive racism on the radio station’s part. How many of us Santa Claritaninskis have been called, at all hours of the night, by KHTS? When you answer the phone, the mysterious caller with the threatening voice comes right out and confesses: “We’re taking a Pole...” Well let me tell you something KHTS. Should the SCV’s population of Polish people picket KhTS for its stance on striking Poles? Saddle Up continued from page 9 said, “We had a 21-year template that changed very quickly. I’m so proud of the staff, who turned what could have been a negative into a positive.” “I think people get into the pastoral setting of Hart Park and enjoy the ticketed theater seating,” Fleming said. “I think it was already a good transition, and we are still going. That’s the best part.” Fleming said that about 8,000 people are expected to attend the festival over the two days. “All the hotels are full. I would have to say it’s beneficial for the city. I think it’s our largest regional and national event by far. People from all over the U.S. come to it. So come on out. Plan on spending a day or two enjoying some western culture that you can’t get anywhere else.” R For more information visit the event website at http://www.cowboyfestival.org/. Not… On my … Watch. Clearly, we must organize a boycott of the radio station’s Main Street headquarters. I call upon students from CalArts (founded by a local, Walt Disneykowskiowiczskiski), who have remained dormant protesting anything for decades, to rise up. Protest, you passionate students, in front of KHTS. We shall have our Occupy Wall Street moment and camp out on the sidewalks of Downtown Newhall to raise awareness of the secret plight of KHTS victimization of Polish people everywhere. (I think it would be ducky to commandeer the plucky CalArts modern dance department to perform, in slow motion, dancers wearing cardboard-box car costumes bumping into locals wearing traditional Polish folk costumes.) Issue bumper stickers: I BRAKE FOR POLLACKS. Play polka music in front of the station. Stop, what little of it there is, capitalism on Main Street! Schedule continued from page 9 history performers. You can stroll through Hart Park and treat yourself to traditional cowboy food, and you can watch blacksmiths at work, meet Buffalo Soldiers or even take a free tour of the Hart Mansion, home of early western film star William S. Hart. Free Performances The acts below will be performing free shows on four stages at Hart Park at various times on Saturday and Sunday. The Vivants Carolyn Sills Combo Old Salt Union California Band of the Battalion Wild Horse Singers and Dancers Joey Dillon (gun slinger) Sourdough Slim Syd Masters & The Swing Riders Carin Mari Buckaroo Girl Adrian Mikki Daniel The Devil’s Box String Band Ventucky String Band Shuttle Service The Cowboy Festival free parking lot is located off 13th Street, just east of Railroad Avenue in Newhall. Free shuttles will take you to and from the festival site. On Friday, April 22 these shuttles run from 5:30 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. Saturday, April 23 they run from 9:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. and on Sunday, April 24 from 9:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. R Furthermore, I feel KHTS’ owners, Carl Goldman and Jeri Seratti-Goldman (Samoans?) owe this valley and its large Polish population an explanation. And, an apology. And, maybe 20 bucks and a large, steaming hot plate of Golumpkis (lightly boiled cabbage leaves wrapped around minced pork and beef) as reparations. All of you, please. Join me. At the very least, the next time you pass Carl and Jeri on the street, lower your head and raise a fist in solidarity… “Złość na radio!” Or, in Polish — “Rage Against the Radio!” R Author and humorist John Boston has earned more than 100 major awards, writing about the Santa Clarita Valley. For more of his work, visit thejohnbostonchronicles.com.
March 2016 THE Reader • 15 w h y t e’S w o r l D road trip Journal: a beer and a burger with Cheerleaders and Drag Queens by Tim Whyte Reader Columnist Cowboy Festival – Other Events If you can’t get enough “cowboy” on the main weekend of the festival, you might enjoy one or more of the special events leading up to it or held simultaneously. As far away as Lone Pine or the Reagan Library, and as close as Main Street in Old Town Newhall, here are your choices. Visit http://cowboyfestival.org/schedule/ for details, and purchase your tickets early. Sat., april 16 – Sun., april 17 Lone Pine Film Tour Sunday, april 17 John Michael Montgomery Santa Clarita Performing Arts Center at College of the Canyons, 7 p.m. wednesday, april 20 SCVTV Presents The OutWest Concert Series Repertory East Playhouse, 8 p.m. thursday, april 21 SENSES (Wild West theme) Downtown Newhall, 7 to 10 p.m. Walk of Western Stars – Induction Ceremony Honorees: TBD Main Street, Old Town Newhall, 7 p.m. Movie Night Hart Hall, William S. Hart Park, 8 p.m. Friday, april 22 California Fiesta De Rancho Camulos with Dave Stamey Rancho Camulos Museum, 11 a.m. Reagan Library and Paramount Ranch Tour Departure from Cowboy Festival Shuttle Site 1 p.m. to 6 p.m. The Quebe Sisters/Carin Mari Canyon Theatre Guild, 8 p.m. Ramblin’ Jack Elliot Repertory East Playhouse, 8 p.m. Don Edwards Hart Mansion, William S. Hart Park, 8 p.m. Saturday, april 23 Brenn Hill/Andy Nelson Canyon Theatre Guild, 3 p.m. The Messick Family Repertory East Playhouse, 4 p.m. Hot Club of Cowtown/Sourdough Slim Canyon Theatre Guild, 7 p.m. James Intveld Repertory East Playhouse, 8 p.m. Wyatt Earp – The Life Behind the Legend Hart Mansion, William S. Hart Park, 8 p.m. Sunday, april 24 Cowboy Church Master’s College, 8 a.m. Santa Clarita Valley Historical Bus Tour Departure from Cowboy Festival Shuttle Site 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Cow Bop/Mikki Daniel Canyon Theatre Guild, 1 p.m. Calico the Band Repertory East Playhouse, 2 p.m. Don Edwards/Carolyn Sills Combo Canyon Theatre Guild, 4 p.m. The Americans Repertory East Playhouse, 5 p.m. R This is my story about the time I took my dad to a gay bar. And I’m sticking to it. It started out innocently enough. It was a Sunday, smack dab in the middle of the NFL playoffs. On that day, my 14-year-old daughter Brooke and her Saugus High School cheerleading squad were competing at the state cheer championships in Ontario at the Citizens Bank Arena. My wife took Brooke down early in the day to prepare with the team, so my dad and I decided we would drive down in his Corvette, and on the way we’d stop somewhere, preferably a sports bar with lots of giant TVs, so we could grab a beer and a cheeseburger and catch part of the AFC Championship game. Corvette. Beer. Cheeseburgers. Sports bar. Football. Sounds like a good Sunday road trip for a pair of straight white guys. So we ventured down to Ontario, and took the exit for the arena figuring there’d be plenty of options, since there’s an arena, an airport and a giant mall — all within one 9-iron shot of each other. We pulled into the first commercial center we saw and it featured several restaurants that looked promising. There was an El Torito, but we weren’t in the mood for Mexican. This was definitely a cheeseburger mission. There was a Black Angus, which sounded about right. But, across the parking lot, there was a burger joint that was advertising beer specials, and I didn’t recognize it as any of the major chains you see in every commercial district of every city in every state. It looked like a mom ’n pop place. “Hey,” I suggested to my dad, thus rendering everything that ensued to be my fault, “let’s give that place a try. Looks like a mom ’n pop. Could be different.” “Sure,” he answered, ensuring that whatever happened, even though it was my fault, he got into this willingly. “I always prefer a good mom ’n pop over a chain.” Turns out, it would be different. I guess my first clue should have been that they misspelled Budweiser on their promo for the Friday night “Power Hour.” Or maybe my first clue should have been the pink paint scheme. Or the fact that the place was named “Hamburger Mary’s,” and their slogan was, “Eat, drink and be Mary.” Or the fact that just inside the entrance there was a wall decorated, floor to ceiling, with stiletto heels. Or the fact that they checked our IDs and put wristbands on us as we walked in. “They must have a helluva crowd here for football,” I said, still clueless. “Who checks IDs “What kind of bar doesn’t have the football game on?” I wondered, somehow STILL managing to remain clueless. and uses wristbands just for a Sunday football bar crowd?” We went into the bar area, and took a seat at a table, and the place was packed, and noisy. Most of the folks in there were impeccably dressed, not quite as casual as I’d expect for a Sunday football crowd. “Must be Patriots fans,” I thought. There were plenty of TVs on the walls. But, I was dismayed to find that not one of them was tuned in to the AFC Championship game, featuring the highly anticipated matchup of Peyton Manning (representing all that is good) and Tom Brady (representing the Evil Belichik Empire). “What kind of bar doesn’t have the football game on?” I wondered, somehow STILL managing to remain clueless. It was a strange form of denial. In my mind, it just did not compute: We’re in a burger bar. On a Sunday. It’s playoffs. Playoffs! What kind of bar doesn’t have THAT game on the TVs? Then it hit me: The kind of bar that doesn’t have the football game on the TVs during playoffs is the kind of bar that has a drag queen show every Sunday. And we’d walked right into the middle of it: “Sunday Drag Queen Brunch with the Brunchettes,” featuring bottomless mimosas (as if there’s any other kind of mimosa) and “crazy drag queens.” No cover charge! The show was going on in the next room, and if memory serves correctly, they had it playing on the TVs in the bar. I thought about asking them to put the game on one of the TVs but then I thought better of it. I wouldn’t want them to think I was some kind of freak. So what did we do? You know what we did. We slipped out of Hamburger Mary’s and went next door to Black Angus where everyone was wearing flip flops and shorts and the game was on every single TV. We had a good laugh over our Hamburger Mary’s side trip, and we got to the arena in time to see Brooke and her team absolutely nail their routine. When it was all done, I thought about how we must have looked to the staff at Hamburger Mary’s. Me, 49-ish, and, let’s just say, a little stockier than I was in my prime. And my dad, in his 70s, still trim, driving a brand new Corvette to the gay bar with a big guy who’s young enough to be his son. What a pair we must have made. R Tim Whyte is a public relations consultant, a member of the award-winning team at Mellady Direct Marketing, and a part-time faculty member in the Journalism Department at California State University, Northridge. Find him on Twitter @TimWhyte.
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Westside Reader March 2016

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