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Once you know the basic elements of all relationships, you will be able to evaluate existing ones and
nurture new ones by consciously regulating the four relationship elements. To practice relationship selfevaluations,
examine the relationships you are in right now and see how the four basic elements are playing
a role in affecting them. If you want to strengthen a relationship, think of ways to regulate the Friendship
Formula to achieve the desired outcome.
You can also extricate yourself from unwanted relationships by slowly decreasing each of the basic
elements of the Friendship Formula. This gradual decrease will let the unwanted person down
incrementally without hurting their feelings and without seeming like an abrupt break in the relationship.
In most cases, the unwanted person will naturally come to the conclusion that the relationship is no longer
viable and seek more rewarding interactions.
RECRUITING SPIES USING A SILENT PARTNER
Imagine you are a scientist, with a top-secret clearance, working as a contractor for the Department of
Defense. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, you receive a telephone call from a government official from
the Chinese embassy. He invites you to come to China to give a lecture on some of your unclassified
research. All your expenses will be paid by the Chinese government. You report this invitation to your
security officer, who tells you that you can give a lecture in China as long as you don’t discuss classified
information. You call to confirm your attendance and the Chinese official invites you to come a week
earlier so you can do some sightseeing. You agree. You are very excited because this is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
You are met at the airport by a representative from the Chinese government, who informs you that he
will be your guide and translator for your entire trip. Each morning the translator meets you at your hotel
and has breakfast with you. You spend all day sightseeing. The translator buys all your meals and arranges
some evening social activities. The translator is friendly and shares information about his family and social
activities. You reciprocate by sharing information about your family, nothing important, just the names of
your wife and children, their birthdays, your wedding anniversary, and the holidays you and your family
celebrate. As the days go by, you are amazed that you and your translator have so much in common despite
stark cultural differences.
The day of the lecture arrives. The lecture hall is filled to capacity. Your lecture is well received. At the
end of the lecture, one of the participants approaches you and says he is very interested in your research. He
comments that your research is fascinating and innovative. He poses a question relating to the work he has
been doing that relates to your research. The answer requires you to reveal sensitive but not classified
information. You gladly provide the information along with a lengthy explanation even though it borders
on the classified realm.
While you are waiting to board your plane back to the United States, your translator informs you that
your lecture was a tremendous success and the Chinese government would like to invite you back next year
to present another lecture. Since the small lecture hall was filled to capacity, you will be speaking in the
Grand Ballroom next year. (The Chinese translator presented an opportunity for the scientist to flatter
himself, which is the most powerful form of flattery. This technique of flattery will be discussed later.) Oh,
and by the way, your wife is invited to accompany you, all expenses paid.
As an FBI counterintelligence officer, I was required to debrief scientists who went overseas to determine
if they were approached by foreign intelligence officers seeking classified information. I interviewed many
scientists who described similar stories to the one above. All the scientists reported that the Chinese were
impeccable hosts and never asked about any classified information. No foul play. Case closed.