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SMILES FOR EFFECT
The way you smile will influence the way people perceive you and encourage or discourage friendship
formation. Women in particular often use smiles to regulate the initiation of first encounters and to set the
pace of the subsequent personal interactions. Men more readily approach women who smile at them. A
sincere smile gives men permission to approach. A forced smile or no smile at all sends the message that a
woman is not interested in a man’s overtures. Likewise, a woman can send the message that she is open to
male approaches by regulating the frequency and intensity of her smile, in conjunction with other friend
signals.
Learning how to produce a “real” smile at will, particularly when you don’t feel in the mood to display
it, takes practice. Study the pictures in the book and think about smiles you have seen in your everyday life.
Then stand in front of a mirror and actually produce fake and real smiles. It won’t be that difficult. Just
think about the times you have genuinely wanted to show appreciation to someone you loved or were
forced to smile at some unwanted houseguest at a family dinner or at an obnoxious business associate.
Practice the real smile until it becomes automatic. Then you can choose to use it when you wish.
EYE CONTACT
Eye contact works in concert with other friend signals. Eye contact can be attempted from a distance and,
therefore, like other nonverbal signals in this chapter, it is a way to get noticed before a word is spoken.
Also, like the other nonverbal signals, it is designed to give the signal receiver a positive impression of you,
as someone who will be perceived as a potential friend.
To send a friend signal via eye contact, pick out your person of interest and establish eye contact by
holding your gaze for no longer than a second. Holding an eye gaze for longer than that can be perceived
as aggression, which is a foe signal. As mentioned earlier, when you stare at someone, especially in a dating
environment, you are invading his or her personal space. If you do not have permission to enter that
individual’s personal space, your actions will be perceived as predatory behavior at best, creepy at worst. You
should end the eye gaze with a smile. If you cannot manage a genuine smile, make sure that the corners of
your mouth are upturned and wrinkle the outer edges of your eyes. A return smile indicates interest. If your
person of interest meets your gaze, looks down and away briefly, and then reestablishes eye contact, you can
approach this person with a high degree of confidence that your overtures will be well received.
EXTENDED EYE GAZE
Extended eye gaze is a powerful rapport builder. This nonverbal behavior should not be confused with
staring. Typically, when you make contact with another person, your eyes lock for a second or less and then
you break eye contact. Eye contact lasting more than a second or two will be perceived as threatening.
Staring at people, especially strangers, is considered a foe signal. However, when two people know and like
each other, they are permitted to make eye contact for longer than a few seconds. People who are
romantically involved often stare into each other’s eyes for extended periods of time. With the following
technique the power of this mutual gaze can be safely used on strangers to enhance rapport building.
After you make eye contact with your person of interest, hold your gaze for one second and then slowly
turn your head, holding your gaze for another second or two. The person you are looking at will see your
head turning away, giving the illusion of broken eye contact, and your actions will not be perceived as
staring. This technique allows you to intensify the emotional content of your friend signal. Increased eye