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full body scan when my daughter’s boyfriends would appear at the front door. I would open the door, stare deeply into the suitor’s eyes, and very slowly scan his body from head to toe. I would finish my introduction with a stern, “What do you want?” The young man would stammer and stutter to find words to say. I knew then that my message was received loud and clear. That nonverbal message was more effective than any verbal threats I could have issued. UNCOVERED During my post-FBI career, I trained undercover police officers in how to behave during operations to avoid being identified. Eye gaze is one of the nonverbal cues that exposes undercover officers. As stated earlier, people have to earn the right to enter your personal space physically or with their eyes. Police officers, by virtue of their authority, have the right to look into places and at people in a way normal people can’t. Have you ever been stopped in traffic at a red light next to a police car? You take sneak peeks into the officer’s car. If the officer happens to turn and meet your gaze, you quickly break eye contact and look forward again. The opposite is not true. If the police officer looks into your car and you meet his gaze, he does not break eye contact, he just continues to look. You would likely be the one who quickly breaks eye contact and hope he doesn’t find a reason to stop you. The police officer has the right to look at you and into your car by virtue of his authority; you can’t do the same thing without risking social repercussions. The freedom to look in forbidden spaces is one of the most common nonverbal “tells” that expose undercover officers. For example, an undercover officer is assigned to go to a bar where known drug dealers hang out, to make friends with them and buy drugs. When the undercover officer walks into the bar for the first time, he will, out of habit, pause for a moment, make a slow scan of the room looking for possible threats, walk to the bar, and order a drink. The undercover officer feels comfortable invading other people’s space with his eyes (making direct eye contact) because of his authority as a law enforcement officer. The problem is that normal people don’t act this way when they enter a bar for the first time, especially a shady establishment. When people enter a bar for the first time, they typically walk directly to the bar or a table and sit down without making direct eye contact with anyone. Once they are seated and have a drink in hand, they then are permitted to take furtive looks around the bar. Conversely, people who routinely frequent the bar have earned the right to invade personal space and are permitted to look around the bar for friends when they enter. This nonverbal tell, albeit subtle, is easily picked up by criminals, who, for fear of getting caught, are very adept at reading people.
An eye roll EYE ROLLS Rolling your eyes at someone is a “foe signal” that discourages further interaction. It sends the message you think the individual is stupid or that his or her actions are inappropriate. If, for instance, you are in a large group and spot someone saying something you think is dumb, you might roll your eyes in response. If the person who made the comment sees you doing this, it predisposes them to respond negatively to you in any future interactions. This holds true whether you are a stranger or are known to that individual. WATCH FOR EYE ROLL Watching for eye rolls at meetings can be an entertaining way to pass the time, and can provide information about where people stand on specific issues. When people disagree with a comment or proposal, they will often roll their eyes when the person who made the comment or proposal turns away or looks at his or her notes. This nonverbal signal identifies who is not receptive to what is being said. If you make a comment and catch somebody rolling their eyes, focus your attention on that person to try to convince them your idea has merit. Remember: You don’t have to spend time trying to convince the choir, the ones who are nodding their approval, leaning forward, and smiling. SQUINTING OF THE EYES This foe signal is not as powerful as other foe cues are, but can still have a chilling effect on personal relationships. If the squinting is due to factors such as looking into bright illumination, it might be wrongly interpreted. FURROWED EYEBROWS This is another common foe signal, assuming it is not due to someone being in deep concentration. This nonverbal cue is often associated with disapproval, uncertainty, or anger.
Page 2: Thank you for downloading this Touc
Page 5 and 6: To my wife, Helen, a woman overflow
Page 7 and 8: At first, I did not see this one-to
Page 9 and 10: 1 THE FRIENDSHIP FORMULA I’ve lea
Page 11 and 12: you and promotes mutual attraction.
Page 13 and 14: Once you know the basic elements of
Page 15 and 16: form a primacy filter through which
Page 17 and 18: attractive and successful in life,
Page 19 and 20: I once invited two students to the
Page 21 and 22: 2 GETTING NOTICED BEFORE A WORD IS
Page 24: A natural eyebrow flash. In real-li
Page 27 and 28: Head tilts Women tilt their heads m
Page 29 and 30: Can you tell which smile is the “
Page 31 and 32: SMILES FOR EFFECT The way you smile
Page 33 and 34: feet he was used to seeing. The wom
Page 35 and 36: Isopraxism (mirroring) gestures Mir
Page 37 and 38: from when the stranger did the same
Page 39: Tip 6: Provide Good Service (Male a
Page 43 and 44: An Attack Stance INSULTING GESTURES
Page 45 and 46: WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN? Although i
Page 47 and 48: together and socially interacting,
Page 49 and 50: process into high gear. Techniques
Page 51 and 52: duplicate the same sensation you fe
Page 53 and 54: confident that the other person is
Page 55 and 56: with their lives. The most difficul
Page 57 and 58: a defensive reaction. Further, Vick
Page 59 and 60: “through the grapevine.” The as
Page 61 and 62: Good old Ben Franklin, the guy on t
Page 63 and 64: “No problem, don’t worry about
Page 65 and 66: 4 THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION If you go
Page 67 and 68: By using an empathic statement, Bry
Page 69 and 70: the days when it was allowed (or to
Page 71 and 72: over time. To increase the longevit
Page 73 and 74: unattractive home. Their house beco
Page 75 and 76: THE LAW OF THE ROCKY ROAD When two
Page 77 and 78: introvert reverts to their “norma
Page 79 and 80: 1. “If I’m Right, Then You’re
Page 81 and 82: Listening is more than simply remai
Page 83 and 84: It turned out that one of the atten
Page 85 and 86: No one can read minds, but they can
Page 87 and 88: issues with, because his lips purse
Page 89 and 90: fingers, take note. Upon seeing thi
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ME (DEFENSE ATTORNEY): That’s not
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the military and is gone a lot of t
Page 95 and 96:
The Empathic Statement is versatile
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Of course, the answer you want to h
Page 99 and 100:
Getting people to like you, as we h
Page 101 and 102:
Eventually, the suspect confessed h
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ack. Based on this gesture, the BAP
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Observe the hair flip carefully whe
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Individuals lean toward people or t
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Arm crossing provides a barrier. (T
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Cup movement helps you determine if
Page 114 and 115:
Hair flip Bitch flip WHAT DO YOU SE
Page 116 and 117:
How would you describe the way thes
Page 118 and 119:
(Difficult question): Who has the u
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In a sense, there is little one can
Page 122 and 123:
Reinforcement is the use of reward
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What’s the best way to make sure
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Try the “Big Three” Approach to
Page 128 and 129:
Presumptive statements direct angry
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• A divergence of interests. Indi
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Introverts disclose more informatio
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1. All mobile communication devices
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The young man was a star Notre Dame
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DAUGHTER: I spend two hours a night
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eally look. This pattern will not c
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technique to establish rapport. In
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In genuine relationships, people ar
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four every afternoon and eating str
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persuaded her that there was no hop
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apparent reason for that good feeli
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I would like to exp
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We hope you enjoyed reading this To
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Frank, M. G., Ekman, P., & Friesen,
Page 158 and 159:
INDEX A note about the index: The p
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online, 213-14, 216, 231-34 scarcit
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insulting, 56 Glory enchilada, shar
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face-to-face interactions compared
Page 166 and 167:
Small of the back, touching, 164, 1
Page 168:
Touchstone A Division of Simon & Sc
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