Viva Lewes Issue #135 December 2017

HEALTH
Mistletoe and Whine
’Tis the season to be quarrelly
Photo by Anita Hall
According to Andy
Williams, it’s the most
wonderful time of the
year. But for many of us
the festive season looks
less like a John Lewis ad
of co-ordinated outfits,
tasteful decorations and
perfectly cooked food, and
more like an episode of
The Royle Family.
“Christmas is a very
stressful time,” agrees psychotherapeutic
counsellor
Tom Lockyer. “Stress
factors include family
dynamics, the media,
food, the pressure to do
‘something special’, alcohol,
money, travel, competing with others, being
alone… All these can be sources of stress.”
The good news, he continues, is that just identifying
those stressors takes us closer to overcoming
them. “The disconnect between reality and
how we want things to be leads to a potential
sense of powerlessness, but we can always do
things differently. I like to say, wake up and smell
the coffee - but don’t drink it!”
The starting point, he explains, is to reflect on
how things have been before. “The reality of
Christmas is that you will have had the same
nightmares last year and the year before that.
The same issues will come up - especially within
families. So you have to ask yourself if that is
what you want, and, if it isn’t, to do something
different.”
One key issue is time management. “To begin
with you have to be sure you even want to see
those people,” Lockyer says, “then, if you do,
you need to set really clear
boundaries. Decide how long
you want to spend there, then
halve it. Rather than feeling
drained and exhausted, leave
wanting more.”
If tensions are already
running high, defuse the
situation by taking time out,
he adds. “If you know you
can only last two hours, then
don’t just sit there — take
yourself out for a walk. Go
and sit on Mount Caburn
for half an hour looking at
the clouds, or watch your kid
playing with his new truck.
Once you are aware of difficult
relationship dynamics,
you can act to avoid conflict.”
Above all, Lockyer concludes, be kind to yourself.
“Have compassion for yourself, rather than
setting yourself up for a fall. It’s okay not to be
perfect, and it’s okay to have a limited capacity to
manage stressful situations. We don’t have the capacity
to give unconditional love to everyone, so
you need to be aware of your reserves. Enough is
enough — and more than enough is too much.
“Ask yourself how you want to spend your time
with the people that you love. Do you want to
give them an experience of your cooking ability
or an experience of your love? If you want things
to be different, then start now and take hold of
the reindeer’s reins. It’s never too late.”
And if all else fails, you can always comfort
yourself with the fact that it’s a full year until you
have to go through it all again… Anita Hall
Tom Lockyer: 07711 265642 or tom@sussextherapyworks.co.uk
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