Sheep magazine archive 1: issues 3-9

what he really wanted to talk about was European
bureaucracy gone mad. Legislation that prevented
children under the age of eight from blowing up
balloons; directives that meant councils were unable
to recycle teabags; one-size-fits-all Euro coffins (how
were we meant to squeeze our fatties into them?);
French lorry manufacturers deliberately setting out to
murder cyclists.
On and on he went despite several pleas from Tyrie
begging him to stop. Eventually Boris paused for
breath and Tyrie managed to make himself heard.
“This is all very interesting, Boris,” he said. “Except
none of it is really true, is it?” Boris looked put out.
So what if it wasn’t exactly true? It got a few laughs
so it ought to have been true even it it wasn’t. “If I
may say so you’re guilty of exaggerating to the point
of misrepresentation.”
Boris looked mildly hurt by this. “Well,” he went on,
“I’ve got this new piece of research hot off the press,
published today by the House of Commons library
saying that 59% of British legislation is imposed by
the EU.”
“Actually that was published in 2014,” Tyrie pointed
out, “and the figures were between 15% and 59%,
depending on whether individual decisions were put
into the calculations.”
Time for some top banter. “Well I’ve just found this
piece written by one Andrew Tyrie in 1991 which
says the single market can only be complete with
a single currency,” said Boris, “What do you say to
that?”
“Oh dear,” replied Tyrie a touch acidly. “That merely
proves my point. If you had read the entire article
you would have realised I was saying the exact
opposite.”
Labour’s Helen Goodman and Wes Streeting tried to
pin Boris down on whether he thought Britain should
be negotiating a Swiss or Canadian trade deal with
the EU post-Brexit. “One day you say one thing, the
next day you say another,” they said. “You seem to
change your mind a lot.”
“Not at all,” fought back Boris. “I’m entirely
consistent.” As in entirely consistent in his
inconsistency. “What I want is a British trade
deal. It will be a complete doddle. EU countries
will be falling over themselves to do a deal with
themselves.”
“You’re the only person who seems to think that.”
“Everyone else is far too defeatist. As I’ve always
said. Britain will be massively better off outside
the EU,” said the man who had apparently been
anguishing which camp to join over a game of
tennis the day before he joined the leave campaign.
Enter an even angrier than usual John Mann, who
had woken that morning furious to find he had been
listed only as “core negative” on the leaked Corbyn
list of Labour MPs. Why not a hostile? He was hostile
enough to his own reflection, let alone others in his
party.
“This so-called EU animal byproducts tea bag
directive,” he snarled. “Can you remember which
country asked the EU to issue it?” Could pigs fly?
“Well let me tell you that it was Britain after the foot
and mouth epidemic.”
“Then I’m sure the French have never obeyed it,”
Boris ad-libbed, desperately searching for one last
laugh. None came. Boris was beaten, if unbowed.