Sheep magazine archive 1: issues 3-9

58
sprawling, bike on top of me, unable to get up for
what seemed a really long time, all in front of an
astounded young girl who was walking up the
other way. Another time heavy virgin snow on
early morning roads had me wrongly guessing
where pavement curbs were … the thud of the
front wheel and my flight from the saddle would
have been excruciatingly funny to any curtain
twitchers … I would have laughed too. Early
1980’s, when a political animal, I remember
meetings going on and on so that we had to run
for the last bus home. Running and falling, not
seeming to notice the hard road, just tucking in
my right shoulder and rolling … making it all
look so contrived – it wasn’t, but we had a bus
to catch.
Carrying some books down the narrow twisting
staircase at Thoemmes Press my footing failed
noisily, a signal to those in the production
department below that something worth
gawping at was happening, and as I slithered
to the bottom jolt, my concern to save the books
and look cool relaxed my sphincter just enough
to trumpet my arrival which did not disappoint,
the fart being more embarrassing than the fall
… ‘much deeped joy of a full moon fundermold
dangly in the heavenly bode’ as Stanley might
have said.
Not so long ago with friends, instead of going
around I thought I could climb a low wall and
jump down the other side. There is a problem
when your mind has refused to grow up, you
feel 18 but your body is 60-odd … I landed
with the realisation that my legs, my knees, just
would not take the weight, of yes, I forgot that
bit … also a bit overweight, damn! Over I went,
subconsciously rolling and up again as if I had
meant to be that melodramatically agile … and
then, sheesh, if only I had the quick mind to
claim the acrobatic manoeuvre that my friends
tried vainly to congratulate me on, but no, I had
ashamidly admitted my goof before I saw their
faces of fading admiration. Maybe next time …
Just the other day, after having shuffled a good
way around the Meadow Hall shopping centre
and negotiating our way back to the car I fell
again, schizzen! Coming out of some covered
stairs upon a road crossing, blinded by the
beckoning green light I missed the last 2 steps
down to the pavement. Holding an empty coffee
cup in one hand I cartwheeled into the road, my
eyes following my right shoe leaving my foot to
make that elegant slow-motion arc, unable to
stop myself, fortunately rolling with the fall again
but still ending up on my back, my eyes caught
Ann’s shock as I lay in the road, the lights
changed with cars waiting to go, others waiting
now to cross the road looked on, stupified.
Collecting my shoe from the middle of the road,
my elbow hurt but somehow not my pride as I
joined Ann back on the pavement. ‘Oh shit!’,
another opportunity missed I thought, damn!
Such a wonderful leveller as falling over in
public deserves the credit for keeping us/me
sane and true … the next time I fall over in
public (and maybe, if you are there to witness
it you will see) … I promise to take a low and
flourish embellished bow!
SHEEP IN THE ROAD : NUMBER 3