J'AIME MAY 2019

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Mother-in-law loudly mansplains up from back down at ground level that it hurts to these levels because the silk is digging so viciously into my copious back fat. “It’s the BACK FAT, JACK!!!” she bellows. Which is a low blow, though I thank her for her encouragement. I soldier on, for I am not one for the complaining. The charming sadist, Kim, then instructs us to use the full might of our core muscles and of the silk’s strength to simultaneously flip and pirouette ourselves completely upright. FGFS! And to end the move with a flourish by nonchalantly pointing our toes to the floor and one hand to the heavens above. I cast my gaze across to see Carole, my mother-inlaw, doing exactly as she’s been bid. And she looks, for all the world, like an exquisitely poised prima ballerina. And it is breathtaking. While I look like a mugger. Mid forcible arrest. A tangle of violent limbs and volcanic expletives. And did I mention that this was painful? And humiliating? To heap on the misery I should point out that my mother-in-law is no longer in the first flush of youth. And yet she is Marvel Comics wondrous in her core strength and fitness. Whereas I am not. As this class goes on I’m becoming ever stronger in my belief that the human body and limbs are not designed to be woven and croché stitched around each other, but the incandescent joy on the faces of others in the class makes a constant mockery of me. During the class I see people (abnormally abdominally blessed people, I’ll concede) roll themselves UP a silk. Yes UP! Actually, let’s stop a second to appreciate just how extraordinarily difficult that must be. I’d like you to put down this mag, lie on the floor and then roll yourself from one side of the room to the other. What’s that? You’re on the bus, you say? Never mind, tell the other passengers to make some room for you - this is bloody important! Now roll yourself back. That’s it. Right, now how do you feel? Face flushed? Bit out of puff? B&H stub stuck to your blouse from the bus floor? Wanna do it again?! Alright, calm down, it’s not a creche we’re operating here! Was only joking. My point is that that little exertion should illustrate how demonically difficult and shattering it must be to roll oneself UP a silk rope. Yet roll UP the silk is exactly what some of my classmates are doing. So the experienced participants in this room are genuine champions in my eyes, because as fun and beautiful as they make it all look, it sure as hell is a murderous work out. We’re approaching the end of the class now and, as usual, I’ve stretched my shame to somewhere beyond lycra but Kim’s encouraging us to have a bash at pulling ourselves up using undiluted brute force to the top of the silk - maybe 20 feet up. Everest in this world, frankly. But I launch myself at this task with proper Herculean effort now, clawing and hacking and chewing at this slippery silky swine of a thing and inching my way to the top, the sweat rainfalling out of me, the veins popping out of me everywhere and it genuinely feel like my skull is trying to uncork itself from my very spine. I’m losing my grip fast here but with one final lunge I manage to scuff my index finger on the ceiling and my whole entire body flushes with triumph and relief and elation and, yes, dear reader, with redemption. I slip immediately back down to the floor and whirl around to accept the cheers and congratulations and adoration from the rest of the class, who have all been party to my suffering, my strife… Only to realise that not a single one of them has actually witnessed my climb. They are all transfixed by the gravity and decades defying exploits of my mother-in-law. Deary me. 44
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Page 1: M AY 2 0 1 9 J’AIME Y O U R L O C
Page 4 and 5: CONTENTS InsideJ’aime this month.
Page 6 and 7: FEATURE Daring to bare SOAP STAR-TU
Page 8 and 9: Channel 5’s Springtime on the Far
Page 10 and 11: pressures of soapland have allowed
Page 12: PROPERTY Property of the Month WE T
Page 15 and 16: OUR NEW BROCHURE IS NOW AVAILABLE P
Page 17 and 18: LEGEND MAGIC COLLECTION, £POA, FRO
Page 19 and 20: SPECIALISTS IN FITTED, SLIDING AND
Page 21 and 22: Proud to be a family run business f
Page 24 and 25: F E AT U R E Treasure tales THERE A
Page 26 and 27: CO M P E T I T I O N A taste of sum
Page 28 and 29: F O O D & D R I N K Go nuts for lam
Page 30 and 31: F O O D & D R I N K Opposites attra
Page 32 and 33: F O O D & D R I N K Cocktail of the
Page 34 and 35: F O O D & D R I N K Let the fun be-
Page 36 and 37: F O O D & D R I N K Look on the lig
Page 38 and 39: F O O D & D R I N K Brewed to perfe
Page 40 and 41: H E A LT H Introducing the TRX Susp
Page 42 and 43: F E AT U R E Hanging by a thread JA
Page 46 and 47: T R AV E L Colourful Cuba RB COLLEC
Page 48 and 49: TYPES OF CUBA HOLIDAYS Luxury beach
Page 50 and 51: LO CA L A R E A What’s On Local Y
Page 52 and 53: LO CA L A R E A What’s on Second
Page 54 and 55: FA S H I O N Cover story DITCH YOUR
Page 56 and 57: FA S H I O N Earn your fashion stri
Page 58 and 59: These trousers look phenomenal pair
Page 60 and 61: B E AU T Y The five masks your face
Page 62 and 63: H E A LT H Facing the challenge of
Page 64 and 65: I N T H E N E W S Room to relax at
Page 66: take drastic action to reduce costs

J'AIME MAY 2019

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