Happiful August 2019
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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH<br />
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ABOUT<br />
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Aldo Kane<br />
Exploring<br />
mindfulness<br />
& living for<br />
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sensational<br />
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SELF<br />
CARE<br />
FOR SUMMER<br />
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Tune in to you<br />
We all do it: push ourselves to breaking point, trying<br />
to spin all the plates, hold all the hands, juggle all the<br />
metaphors.<br />
We plough on, feeling the strain, trying to stay strong<br />
and measure up against some indeterminate bar the<br />
world will hold us to. We see our value measured by<br />
how many boxes we’ve ticked off on the ‘life goals’<br />
list, rather than by what the intricate calibrations<br />
our personalities add to the world, and connections,<br />
around us.<br />
But, the question remains, who are we working<br />
ourselves into the ground for?<br />
As we approach summer, we want you to soak up<br />
some of that vitamin D – and feel the self-acceptance<br />
in the air. It’s time for a breather – from the pressures<br />
we put ourselves under, the dreams that have to<br />
be achieved today, and the feelings of guilt and<br />
inadequacy that weigh heavy on our shoulders.<br />
Feel empowered this <strong>August</strong>, as you hear from our<br />
incredible cover star Grace Victory, who broke the<br />
wheel of her life in order to start a new cycle of<br />
healing. Discover the concept of ‘sisu’; you’ve almost<br />
certainly displayed it before, but is it healthy going<br />
forwards? And put things into perspective with<br />
insight from professional adventurer and ex-Royal<br />
Marine Aldo Kane.<br />
A quote from Albert Einstein really captures the spirit<br />
of this issue: “Strive not to be a success, but rather to<br />
be of value.”<br />
When we tune in to just how<br />
valuable we truly are, the<br />
external milestones, accolades,<br />
and applause can wait. It’s just<br />
white noise in the symphony of<br />
our multi-tonal glory.<br />
Listen. Your true self is calling,<br />
We love hearing from you, get in touch:<br />
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR<br />
happiful.com happifulhq @happifulhq @happiful_magazine
40<br />
The Uplift<br />
8 In the news<br />
13 The wellbeing wrap<br />
14 What is 'sisu'?<br />
Is this Finnish tradition the key to getting<br />
through hard times?<br />
83 Hospice Biographers<br />
The incredible charity ensuring life stories<br />
of people with terminal illnesses live on<br />
Features<br />
16 Grace Victory<br />
The 'internet’s big sister' opens up about<br />
healing from abuse, breaking taboos, and<br />
empowering others to live their best lives<br />
26 Put it in writing<br />
The story of how poetry became an outlet<br />
for one woman living with BPD<br />
44 Go with the flow<br />
Get to know your menstrual cycle and<br />
stop periods from cramping your style<br />
73 Anna Williamson<br />
Love, life lessons, and 'Loose Lips' with<br />
the 'Celebs Go Dating' mind coach<br />
73<br />
Life Stories<br />
36 Jenny: the long run<br />
Following the breakdown of her<br />
relationship, Jenny was fearful of what<br />
the future held until she found solace<br />
in reconnecting her body and mind<br />
52 Vikki: discovering who I am<br />
Every day was a struggle for Vikki<br />
after she developed chronic fatigue<br />
syndrome following a viral infection. But<br />
things started to look up when she took<br />
time to reassess what mattered to her<br />
Culture<br />
49 What's on in <strong>August</strong><br />
57 Editor's picks<br />
From self-care to sliders, discover what our<br />
Editor's is loving this month<br />
66 Your summer reading list<br />
Nine page-turners to enjoy in the sunshine<br />
90 Quickfire: MH matters<br />
78 Suz: breaking free of guilt<br />
Intrusive thoughts plagued Suz's<br />
life for years, as her mental health<br />
spiralled out of control. It was when<br />
her self-esteem was at an all-time low<br />
that she finally found the strength to<br />
78 58<br />
reach out
32<br />
16<br />
Lifestyle and<br />
Relationships<br />
31 Summer lovin'<br />
Five ways to make the most of this summer<br />
32 Aldo Kane<br />
The explorer and broadcaster reflects on<br />
how he manages to find calm moments in<br />
an adrenaline-fuelled lifestyle<br />
70 Life after divorce<br />
With 42% of UK marriages ending in<br />
divorce, what is the emotional impact?<br />
86 One step at a time<br />
How walking saved the life of<br />
psychotherapist Jonathan Hoban<br />
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Food & Drink<br />
58 Up in your grill<br />
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60 Endometriosis explained<br />
It's the second most common<br />
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<strong>Happiful</strong> Hacks<br />
24 Stop counting sheep<br />
40 Sew good for you<br />
50 Archive inbox anxiety<br />
76 Thrive through illness<br />
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EXPERT PANEL<br />
Meet the team of experts who<br />
have come together to deliver<br />
information, guidance, and insight<br />
throughout this issue<br />
SONAL SHAH<br />
BSc (Hons)<br />
Sonal is a nutritional<br />
therapist, health tutor, and<br />
director of Synergy Nutrition.<br />
ZEENAT NOORANI<br />
BA ANLP<br />
Zeenat is a life coach<br />
specialising in building<br />
resilience with clients.<br />
RACHEL COFFEY<br />
BA MA NLP Mstr<br />
Rachel is a life coach<br />
encouraging confidence<br />
and motivation.<br />
BEVERLEY HILLS<br />
MA MBACP<br />
Beverley is a psychotherapist,<br />
columnist, and lead partner<br />
at The Practice, London.<br />
GRAEME ORR<br />
MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind<br />
Graeme is a counsellor<br />
working with both<br />
individuals and couples.<br />
ROS KNOWLES<br />
NLP AfSFH CNHC<br />
Ros is a solutionfocused<br />
clinical<br />
hypnotherapist.<br />
LINDSAY GEORGE<br />
MA Dip RGN MBACP (Accred)<br />
Lindsay is a counsellor,<br />
psychotherapist, and<br />
registered nurse.<br />
OUR TEAM<br />
EDITORIAL<br />
Rebecca Thair | Editor<br />
Kathryn Wheeler | Staff Writer<br />
Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant<br />
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor<br />
Beverley Hills | Expert Advisor<br />
Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director<br />
Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer<br />
Rosan Magar | Illustrator<br />
CONTRIBUTORS<br />
Lucy Donoughue, Kat Nicholls,<br />
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Becky Wright,<br />
Ros Knowles, Maxine Ali, Lydia Smith,<br />
Fiona Thomas, Ellen Hoggard, Sonal Shah,<br />
Lindsay George, Anna Gaunt, Gemma Calvert,<br />
Jenny Richardson, Vikki Cook,<br />
Suz Yasemin Selçuk<br />
SPECIAL THANKS<br />
Paul Buller, James Gardiner, Krishan Parmar,<br />
Lo Dias, Susan Hart, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey,<br />
Georgina Batt, Zeenat Noorani, Libby Palmer,<br />
Sophie Lee, Simone Ayers, Lyzi Unwin,<br />
Claire Baker<br />
COMMUNICATIONS<br />
Lucy Donoughue<br />
Head of Content and Communications<br />
lucy.donoughue@happiful.com<br />
LIBBY PALMER<br />
Dip MISRM MCNHC<br />
Libby is a remedial and<br />
sports massage therapist<br />
based in London.<br />
SUSAN HART<br />
MFHT MENT<br />
Susan is a nutrition<br />
coach, food writer,<br />
and vegan chef.<br />
Amie Sparrow<br />
PR Manager<br />
amie.sparrow@happiful.com<br />
MANAGEMENT<br />
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Emma White | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder<br />
Steve White | Finance Director<br />
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FIND HELP<br />
CRISIS SUPPORT<br />
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your<br />
own safety, call 999, or go to A&E<br />
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email<br />
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Head to<br />
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GENERAL LISTENING LINES<br />
SANEline<br />
SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm:<br />
0300 304 7000<br />
Mind<br />
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank<br />
holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk<br />
CALM<br />
The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a line<br />
for men, and is open from 5pm–midnight: 0800 58 58 58<br />
Switchboard<br />
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm:<br />
0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt<br />
IN THIS ISSUE<br />
p16<br />
FIND A COUNSELLOR NEAR YOU<br />
Help is out there. Search your postcode and browse counsellors<br />
in your area at counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
p26<br />
INFORMATION AND SUPPORT FOR BPD<br />
For those living with BPD, as well as their family and friends,<br />
bpdworld.org offers information, advice, and an active and<br />
supportive community forum.<br />
p78<br />
OCD ADVICE AND COMMUNITY SUPPORT<br />
A charity that's run for and by people with OCD, OCD UK offers<br />
a huge library of information on their website ocduk.org, and<br />
a support line you can call on 03332 127 890<br />
p83<br />
NATIONAL BEREAVEMENT HELPLINE<br />
Offering support and advice, you can call Cruse Bereavement Care's<br />
helpline on 0808 808 1677 if you're in England, Wales, and Northern<br />
Ireland, or for Scotland call 0845 600 2227<br />
p86<br />
DISCOVER WALKS IN YOUR AREA<br />
Get advice on how to find free walking paths, uncover routes<br />
near you, and join walking groups at ramblers.org.uk
The Uplift<br />
SELF-EXPRESSION<br />
Photo series<br />
explores mental<br />
health, makeup,<br />
and masculinity<br />
In an empowering look at the topic<br />
of masculinity and mental health,<br />
model and activist Hélène Selam<br />
Kleih has collaborated with makeup<br />
artist Athena Paginton to create the<br />
anthology HIM + HIS.<br />
Designed with the aim of sparking<br />
conversation about men’s mental<br />
health, the book shares stunning<br />
imagery of male contributors<br />
decorated with makeup and<br />
face paint. A vital component<br />
of the series, each contributor<br />
collaborated with Athena on a look<br />
that reflected their personality and<br />
the mantras they live by.<br />
Considering the power of the<br />
portraits, Hélène explains that<br />
she wanted to create a project<br />
that showcased men being<br />
unapologetically themselves, which<br />
in turn she hopes will help erode<br />
the mental health stigma that can<br />
hold them back.<br />
“I want readers to hold HIM + HIS<br />
as a journal of hope,” she explains.<br />
“A platform to speak honestly,<br />
however dark – a means to continue<br />
a discussion in a meaningful, albeit<br />
light-hearted, way. HIM + HIS is not<br />
about taste, but about expression.”<br />
Find out more, and order copies of<br />
HIM + HIS, from himandhis.net<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
Makeup | Athena Pagington, Photography | Piczo<br />
8 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
ARTS<br />
New research reveals creativity<br />
helps with three key areas<br />
Even a little creative indulgence can significantly improve<br />
our sense of wellbeing<br />
Great news for budding creatives,<br />
recent research commissioned by<br />
BBC Arts has revealed that even<br />
a short length of time spent on<br />
creative activities – like singing,<br />
crafting, or sketching – can<br />
have a significant impact on our<br />
wellbeing.<br />
The online survey of nearly<br />
50,000 people across the UK<br />
revealed that creative activities<br />
can help us manage our stress<br />
levels, face new challenges, and<br />
explore new solutions to everyday<br />
problems.<br />
Produced in partnership with<br />
University College London, the<br />
Great British Creativity Test<br />
asked participants which creative<br />
activities they enjoy taking part<br />
in regularly. Researchers then<br />
identified three key ways that<br />
we use creativity: first as a way<br />
to distract ourselves from stress;<br />
second to help us contemplate as<br />
we reassess problems and make<br />
plans; and third as a tool for selfdevelopment.<br />
No matter what your level of<br />
skill, trying new creative activities<br />
can positively impact how you’re<br />
feeling. So if you’ve been thinking<br />
about going along to an evening<br />
class, or giving a new hobby a try,<br />
this is your sign to go for it!<br />
Take the creativity test yourself<br />
by heading to nquire.org.uk and<br />
searching for ‘The Feel Good Test’.<br />
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford<br />
LGBT+<br />
‘Transgender’<br />
no longer<br />
classed as a<br />
mental health<br />
disorder<br />
In one giant step forward for<br />
equality, the World Health<br />
Organisation (WHO) will no longer<br />
class transgender health issues as<br />
a mental health disorder. In their<br />
global manual of diagnoses, issues<br />
related to gender will now be placed<br />
within a chapter on sexual health.<br />
Considered an outdated diagnosis<br />
by many, reproductive health expert<br />
at WHO, Dr Lale Say, explains: “It<br />
was taken out from mental health<br />
disorders because we had a better<br />
understanding that this was not<br />
actually a mental health condition,<br />
and leaving it there was causing<br />
stigma.”<br />
Graeme Reid, LBGT+ rights<br />
director at campaign group Human<br />
Rights Watch, has spoken out about<br />
the changes, saying they will have<br />
a “liberating effect on transgender<br />
people worldwide”.<br />
In a joint statement, nine<br />
organisations working on gender<br />
identity declared that while the<br />
move to the sexual health chapter<br />
was by no means perfect, they<br />
remained optimistic for the future.<br />
“Today, we know that full<br />
depathologisation can be achieved,<br />
and will be achieved in our<br />
lifetime.”<br />
Here’s hoping future strides are<br />
quick and plentiful for the LGBT+<br />
community.<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 9
Reading gives us someplace<br />
to go when we have to<br />
stay where we are<br />
– MASON COOLEY
COMMUNITY<br />
Library lends<br />
‘bags of wellness’<br />
to support<br />
community<br />
mental health<br />
Recognising the unique power that<br />
libraries have in their communities,<br />
North Yorkshire County Council has<br />
begun offering ‘bags of wellness’ to<br />
locals in a bid to boost mental health<br />
across the district.<br />
The bags – which service users can<br />
borrow using their library cards –<br />
include self-help and colouring books,<br />
recipes, puzzles, and a relaxation CD,<br />
along with information and advice.<br />
The scheme came about following a<br />
Dragon’s Den-inspired exercise where<br />
staff had the chance to pitch ideas to<br />
improve the service, the hope being<br />
that the bags will make simple wellness<br />
activities accessible for everyone.<br />
“Libraries play an important part in<br />
wellbeing, and form the hub of many<br />
communities in North Yorkshire,” county<br />
councillor Greg White tells <strong>Happiful</strong>.<br />
“There are very few places that can offer<br />
people of all ages a place to explore an<br />
interest in books, take up a new hobby,<br />
discover new information, and meet<br />
like-minded people. Regardless of age,<br />
background or income, libraries have<br />
something to offer everyone.”<br />
With studies showing that mindfulness<br />
exercises increase activity in the area<br />
of the brain associated with positive<br />
emotion, this fantastic initiative puts<br />
North Yorkshire County Council straight<br />
in our good books!<br />
Find out more at northyorks.gov.uk<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 11
Take 5<br />
Is there anything quite as satisfying as cracking a puzzle? We don’t think so. This month,<br />
experience the mood-boost for yourself with these two confounding challenges<br />
Diagonal suduko<br />
Like a normal suduko, but with a<br />
transversal twist. Fill the empty boxes so<br />
that the numbers one to nine appear once<br />
in each row, column, diagonal, and box.<br />
1<br />
9 1 6<br />
5 4<br />
2 9 1<br />
How did you do?<br />
Search 'freebies' at<br />
shop.happiful.com<br />
to find the answers,<br />
and more!<br />
3 9 6 7<br />
9 4<br />
2 1 8 7<br />
3 6<br />
6 5 8 7 1<br />
Movie emoji-nary<br />
Use the emoji clues to work out the title of these famous films.<br />
️️<br />
️️ ️ ️
Going up<br />
Champagne<br />
& chips<br />
apparently it's the<br />
perfect pairing<br />
T'ai Chi<br />
is helping anxious<br />
kids find calm<br />
around exams<br />
Periscope<br />
glasses:<br />
great for gigs, or a<br />
glaring mistake?<br />
The<br />
wellbeing<br />
wrap<br />
An 'ace' campaign<br />
Amateur tennis player<br />
Robyn Moore spent June<br />
hitting 200,000 tennis balls<br />
to raise awareness of<br />
the mental health<br />
benefits of sport.<br />
The Breakpoint <strong>2019</strong><br />
challenge was lauched<br />
with former British #1<br />
Tim Henman. That's one<br />
love to mental health.<br />
Force Blue is an<br />
organisation recruiting<br />
veterans in Florida<br />
for diving missions to<br />
help local coral reefs.<br />
Scuba diving can<br />
be therapeutic for<br />
those with PTSD and<br />
depression, so one<br />
thing springs to mind:<br />
just keep swimming!<br />
BOTTOM'S UP<br />
Itchy eyes, runny nose – the dreaded hay fever<br />
season may be in full swing, but soothing those<br />
sore eyes could come in the form of tickling<br />
those tastebuds. Asthma UK have noted that<br />
while drinking alcohol such as wines and beer<br />
can make symptoms worse, gin has a relatively<br />
low histamine content, so could be your perfect<br />
alternative to unwind! G&Ts all round.<br />
100% my type on paper<br />
New research has found that we do indeed have 'types'<br />
when it comes to relationships. This isn't about looks<br />
though, it's the personalities that have similar traits, and<br />
while we might look for something different in a partner<br />
post-breakup, our understanding of how to work with<br />
that type of personality could be a reason we keep going<br />
back – we've already developed strategies for connecting.<br />
#SaveTheOcean<br />
In an innovative move to<br />
protect our planet, Ocean<br />
Mimic have created swimsuits<br />
from recycled plastic, and for<br />
every $10 spent on a product,<br />
they collect 1kg of trash<br />
from oceans and<br />
beaches!<br />
A test of<br />
honesty<br />
In a study<br />
spanning<br />
40 countries,<br />
researchers put the<br />
public's honesty to the<br />
test by dropping 17,000 wallets with<br />
varying amounts of money in, and<br />
seeing how many were reported. In a<br />
surprising turn, the more money there<br />
was inside the wallet, the more likely<br />
people were to return it!<br />
THE GREATEST SHOW<br />
Roll up, roll up! The circus has<br />
come to town, but it's like nothing<br />
you've seen before. To make a stand<br />
against the mistreatment of animals<br />
in the industry, Circus Roncalli<br />
in Germany has started using<br />
holograms instead of live creatures,<br />
which fill the entire arena. The<br />
special effects spectactular set the<br />
founder back more than £400,000,<br />
but has lit up social media, and is<br />
going down a storm with audiences.<br />
The futuristic development is a win<br />
in the fight against animal cruelty –<br />
something to definitely cheer for.<br />
Emojis | emojipedia.org<br />
Plastic bags<br />
Boots are ditching<br />
them in favour of<br />
paper ones<br />
Vape break<br />
San Francisco has<br />
banned them until<br />
FDA approval<br />
Going down<br />
TWEET ALL ABOUT IT!<br />
THE TOP 10 EMOJIS<br />
FOR TV REACTIONS<br />
HAVE BEEN REVEALED,<br />
AND IT SEEMS WE'RE<br />
LOVING WHAT'S ON<br />
RIGHT NOW. IN AT<br />
NUMBER ONE IS ,<br />
FOLLOWED BY ,<br />
AND THEN . BUT<br />
PERSONALLY,<br />
WE'RE PARTIAL TO<br />
NUMBER EIGHT<br />
IT'S BBQ (BLUNDERS) SEASON<br />
Delivery service Just Eat have launched a 'BBQ Rescue Service',<br />
in the build-up to a summer where Brits are predicted to ruin 58<br />
million BBQs. Their research discovered that 66% of us have had<br />
either over or undercooked food at a BBQ, and 75% admitted to<br />
eating before going to a BBQ for fear of the food on offer!<br />
“<br />
66% of us have had overcooked BBQ food<br />
It seems part of the problem is hosts struggling to meet the dietary<br />
needs of friends and family, with 16% of vegetarians noting<br />
they only have one option (a bun and a salad), while 10% of<br />
vegans get nothing at all. If you don't want to rely on a backup<br />
takeaway this summer, check out our vegan recipes to<br />
make your BBQ a success on p58 – now we're cooking!
‘Sisu isn’t about climbing the whole<br />
mountain, it’s just about finding the<br />
strength to take the first step’<br />
Exploring<br />
Sisu<br />
Never give up, keep fighting, always do the best<br />
you can. If you’ve ever had to dig deep and find a<br />
strength you never knew you had, you’re already<br />
embracing sisu<br />
Writing | Becky Wright<br />
Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
It’s a term that dates back hundreds of years in Finnish<br />
culture. But, like many Scandinavian words, sisu<br />
doesn’t have a direct translation in English – which<br />
means it’s quite problematic for me to try to explain.<br />
But it’s a trait you’ve undoubtedly experienced before at<br />
some point in your life...<br />
14 • happiful.com • June <strong>2019</strong>
To help, we can look to<br />
the origins of the word<br />
for a little more clarity.<br />
‘Sisus’ literally means<br />
‘internal’, which is why it is<br />
sometimes translated to ‘guts’<br />
or ‘inner strength’, and is often<br />
used synonymously with grit,<br />
determination, and resilience.<br />
But, perhaps better than these<br />
clumsy attempts at translation,<br />
there’s a popular song lyric that<br />
I think sums up sisu perfectly:<br />
‘When the going gets tough, the<br />
tough get going’ – thank you,<br />
Billy Ocean. Basically, when life<br />
becomes difficult, your inner<br />
strength comes out to meet the<br />
challenge.<br />
WHAT IS SISU?<br />
The Finns believe that everyone<br />
has a certain amount of sisu within<br />
them; it just may sometimes lie<br />
dormant or be blocked by fears or<br />
uncertainty. Of course, we all face<br />
times or situations that are more<br />
difficult than others. But sisu is<br />
about facing a challenge head-on,<br />
despite any doubt or insecurity you<br />
may be feeling.<br />
In Scandinavian culture, sisu<br />
is viewed positively as the art of<br />
courage – in fact, for many, it’s<br />
a part of being Finnish. And it’s<br />
not only Finland that embraces<br />
a gritty element to their national<br />
character; the Japanese have their<br />
own version, ganbaru, which<br />
means to slog on tenaciously<br />
through rough times. And, if we<br />
look a little closer to home, there’s<br />
the concept of the British stiff<br />
upper lip.<br />
But, is it just me, or do these<br />
concepts feel a little reminiscent of<br />
wartime resilience? Should we still<br />
strive for this level of resilience in<br />
the world we live in today?<br />
In search of an answer, I spoke<br />
to Zeenat Noorani, a resilience<br />
and wellbeing coach.<br />
“I believe that having balanced<br />
elements of perseverance, grit,<br />
and resilience allows us to<br />
achieve desired outcomes when<br />
facing adversity, without costing<br />
our mental health. The key to<br />
resilience, in order to achieve<br />
success, is having a positive and<br />
healthy balance in mindset,<br />
empathy, and compassion.”<br />
Perhaps, then, it’s the element<br />
of compassion where modernday<br />
resilience comes into its own.<br />
THE IMPORTANCE OF<br />
SELF-COMPASSION<br />
Finnish mountaineer Veikka<br />
Gustafsson once said: “The<br />
biggest obstacles are between<br />
our ears; what we tell ourselves.”<br />
It’s often true that the biggest<br />
challenges we face are the ones<br />
in our own minds, which is why<br />
combining compassion alongside<br />
sisu is incredibly important.<br />
Sisu isn’t about ignoring or<br />
suppressing emotional pain,<br />
and it’s certainly not about<br />
continually pushing yourself to<br />
the ends of your capabilities,<br />
day in, day out. It’s about<br />
acknowledging difficulties<br />
(whether they are coming from<br />
within your own mind or are<br />
imposed from the world around<br />
you) and doing what is needed to<br />
rise above them.<br />
“It is our own thoughts, feelings,<br />
and behaviours which will,<br />
or will not, enable us to reach<br />
desired goals. We each need to<br />
consider our own limitations<br />
and capabilities, and reflect<br />
on whether these bring us the<br />
results we truly want,” says<br />
Zeenat.<br />
HOW CAN WE EMBRACE<br />
OUR SENSE OF SISU?<br />
The tricky part about mental<br />
strength, grit, resilience, sisu<br />
– or whatever you want to call<br />
it – is that we know little about<br />
how to build it. Although we can<br />
all recognise what these traits<br />
represent, the meanings and<br />
behaviours that accompany them<br />
can be personal to each of us.<br />
Zeenat explains: “I assist my<br />
clients to foster their skills in<br />
resilience and grit through<br />
evaluating their own behavioural<br />
patterns, and exploring their<br />
strengths and weakness. By<br />
acknowledging their strengths and<br />
weakness, clients can implement<br />
resilience by breaking negative<br />
patterns, and replacing these with<br />
positive thought patterns.”<br />
So, whenever you’re going<br />
through a tough time, take a<br />
moment to show yourself some<br />
kindness. Recall moments in<br />
your life when you embraced<br />
your inner strength. Overcome<br />
that critical inner voice by<br />
remembering past times when you<br />
exceeded your own expectations<br />
in order to get through.<br />
It’s not all about what you can do<br />
yourself, or training your internal<br />
thoughts, though. One important<br />
factor in embracing sisu is that<br />
it requires an action-oriented<br />
mindset. Particularly when you’re<br />
struggling, one of the best ways to<br />
access support is to reach out to<br />
others. Having the courage to ask<br />
for help is perhaps one of the best<br />
indicators of strength.<br />
Whatever struggle you’re facing,<br />
in whatever aspect of your life, you<br />
can embrace sisu. It isn’t about<br />
climbing the whole mountain, it’s<br />
just about finding the strength to<br />
take the first step.
A M A Z I N G<br />
Grace<br />
A refreshing burst of energy, enthusiasm<br />
and authenticity, Grace Victory has<br />
gone from ‘the internet’s big sister’, to<br />
a woman who is not only stepping into<br />
her own power, but is emphatically<br />
encouraging everyone to do the same.<br />
Her honest and genuine nature has<br />
helped start many crucial conversations,<br />
and empowered others to open up, seek<br />
help, and know that they’re not alone.<br />
Now, after starting a new chapter in<br />
her own life, Grace tells <strong>Happiful</strong> about<br />
changing course, the role therapy plays<br />
in her life, and finding ‘the one’<br />
Interview | Lucy Donoughue<br />
Photography | Paul Buller<br />
“ Unexpected” is Grace Victory’s<br />
response when I ask her to describe<br />
<strong>2019</strong> to date. She’s cradling a cup<br />
of tea in her hands, as we’re both<br />
cosied up on the sofa in the corner<br />
of the photography studio, while the unseasonal<br />
summer rain pounds down outside.<br />
This scenario immediately feels like a chat<br />
with a friend rather than a formal interview –<br />
and that’s a very good thing.<br />
Grace’s ability to be instantly at ease<br />
with other people, and to talk openly and<br />
authentically about her life experiences, is a<br />
talent that has contributed to her incredible<br />
success and popularity. >>>
18 • happiful.com • June <strong>2019</strong>
Top | ASOS, Jacket | Pretty Little Thing<br />
Blazer and Jumpsuit | Monsoon, Shoes | Aldo, Earrings | Freedom @ Topshop<br />
She’s been an online presence<br />
since 2011, gaining the title of ‘the<br />
internet’s big sister’ due to her<br />
honest, relatable, and authentic<br />
approach.<br />
Over the past eight years,<br />
Grace has amassed a loyal and<br />
global following for her work.<br />
She’s a TedX speaker, the author<br />
of No Filter, presenter of the<br />
highly acclaimed BBC Three<br />
programme Clean Eating’s<br />
Dirty Secrets, and she’s created<br />
a plethora of content across all<br />
her channels; covering topics<br />
from plus-size fashion and<br />
beauty, to sex, trauma, therapy,<br />
relationships, periods, and<br />
spirituality. She is a woman of<br />
great style, and great substance.<br />
“I knew that things<br />
had to change, but I<br />
don’t think anything<br />
prepares you for the<br />
change that therapy,<br />
self-development,<br />
and self-awareness is<br />
going to bring you”<br />
This year, however, and its<br />
“unexpected” nature, came after<br />
2018 saw Grace questioning her<br />
life direction and choices.<br />
“Last year was the beginning<br />
of my world literally turning<br />
upside down,” Grace explains. “I<br />
describe my life like a map – there<br />
are roads, train journeys... it has<br />
all kinds of stuff. And I took a<br />
hammer to the whole map.”<br />
Grace left the relationship she was<br />
in, stopped producing some of her<br />
content – specifically on YouTube –<br />
and began working with a therapist<br />
again.<br />
“I knew that I needed to heal<br />
deeply. I knew that things had to<br />
change, but I don’t think anything<br />
prepares you for the change that<br />
therapy, self-development, and selfawareness<br />
is going to bring you.”<br />
Working through traumatic<br />
experiences Grace had as a child was<br />
part of that self-development, and<br />
she’s candid about the impact the<br />
therapeutic work had on her, as well<br />
as its importance in her healing.<br />
“It was f**king hard! I think if<br />
you’ve experienced trauma of any<br />
kind, but specifically continuous<br />
childhood trauma, you develop<br />
really false perceptions of what the<br />
world is like. As a kid, I had to learn<br />
how to manipulate situations so<br />
that I could keep myself safe. If you<br />
haven’t gone to therapy before, you<br />
don’t know how to unlearn that.”<br />
Grace worked with a male<br />
therapist because, she says, “how<br />
can I learn to trust men if I’ve never<br />
had a male therapist?”, and as well<br />
as addressing the past, Grace had<br />
the realisation that she needed to<br />
explore her adult relationships<br />
too, acknowledging her challenges<br />
around vulnerability and intimacy.<br />
“I remember having this light bulb<br />
moment,” she shares. “I realised<br />
that with sex, I used to always<br />
perform. It was never really like<br />
true, like authentic. And I pride<br />
myself on being authentic.”<br />
After a month of therapy, the first<br />
unexpected life-shift happened.<br />
Grace met Lee, the man she now<br />
describes as being her “soulmate” –<br />
although the first time they spoke,<br />
she was left in tears… >>><br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 19
EXCITING NEWS!<br />
We’re delighted to announce that<br />
Grace Victory is <strong>Happiful</strong>’s new –<br />
and first ever – columnist. Be sure<br />
to check out our September issue<br />
for Grace’s first column with us –<br />
available from 15 <strong>August</strong>.<br />
“I think more<br />
women should<br />
believe that they<br />
deserve to be<br />
happy and ascend<br />
in their power”<br />
“I met this guy on Bumble,” she<br />
smiles broadly. “I literally knew<br />
within a second that he was ‘the<br />
one’.”<br />
Lee and Grace took the<br />
conversation from online, to<br />
phoneline and: “After we had our<br />
first conversation, I panicked. I<br />
cried. I actually cried! I was like:<br />
‘I’ve just met my soulmate, the<br />
other half of me. And now I’m<br />
sh*tting it!’<br />
“I’d made all these plans to<br />
work on myself, and be single to<br />
work on myself, which I’m still<br />
doing, but the universe works<br />
in wonderful ways and it was<br />
obviously time that we met.”<br />
Earlier this year, Grace left south<br />
London and moved in with Lee,<br />
in north-west London, where, she<br />
says, the energy feels positively<br />
different, and there is a massive<br />
sense of community – something<br />
that pleases her, as a self-professed<br />
homebody.<br />
Moving in with Lee has also<br />
signalled a different type of<br />
‘homecoming’, and Grace is<br />
reflective about their new<br />
beginning together. “I feel like I’ve<br />
worked so hard to have this life,<br />
and it’s slowly forming in front of<br />
me. This is what I always wanted as<br />
a kid.”<br />
In true Grace style, she’s keen<br />
to point out that there have been<br />
learnings along the way. “I believe<br />
in astrology and I’m a Virgo, so I’m<br />
very organised and a clean freak<br />
– I like things in their places,” she<br />
laughs. “Whereas Lee is a Pisces<br />
– the complete opposite – just<br />
spread out and doesn’t realise how<br />
much work it takes to have a nice,<br />
clean, tidy home. So it’s been a<br />
journey and we’re learning how to<br />
compromise, and to show up for<br />
each other, but also for ourselves.”<br />
Despite their differences around<br />
domestic issues, Grace is clearly<br />
deeply in love, and watching the<br />
two of them chat on her recent<br />
YouTube post, it’s obvious that the<br />
feeling is mutual.<br />
The fact that Lee had started<br />
therapy prior to their meeting<br />
is an important factor in their<br />
relationship, according to Grace. “I<br />
think it’s really weird that Lee had<br />
just had his first session of therapy<br />
before meeting me! I always said<br />
I couldn’t date a man who’s not in<br />
therapy. I think it’s because I’m so<br />
self-aware and healing, and I need<br />
a man who’s doing the same.”<br />
She’s deeply respectful of Lee and<br />
his experiences of counselling.<br />
“I’m really proud of him for going<br />
to therapy; I think mental health<br />
for men is such a minefield –<br />
it’s even more taboo than it is<br />
for women, especially being a<br />
black man. In the Jamaican and<br />
Caribbean culture, it’s so taboo<br />
and under the radar.”<br />
Lee’s transparency around<br />
mental health support has had<br />
a ripple effect, too, opening up<br />
the possibility of counselling to<br />
members of his family, friends,<br />
and colleagues within the music<br />
profession. “Talking about mental<br />
health, especially for black men in<br />
that industry, it’s just incredible,”<br />
Grace enthuses. “I’m so proud of<br />
him. I just love him – he’s the most<br />
incredible man I have ever met.<br />
He’s just like this beam of light.”<br />
Grace has an amazingly positive<br />
energy. She says what she feels –<br />
and she says it with gusto. She’s<br />
passionate about mental health<br />
and wellness, and is committed<br />
20 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
Playsuit | New Look, Shoes | Kurt Geiger<br />
to spreading the word about the<br />
power of therapy, and promoting<br />
the type of self-belief she<br />
demonstrated when she changed<br />
her own life-direction last year.<br />
And for cynics who might feel that<br />
self-belief is easier for someone<br />
who has the success Grace has<br />
now? They would do well to look<br />
at her journey to the place she is in<br />
today. “It’s a privilege for some not<br />
to have self-belief,” Grace asserts.<br />
“I think that if you go around<br />
life and you get things handed to<br />
you, you’re obviously not going to<br />
believe anything bigger than that,<br />
because it’s just normal to you.<br />
“Whereas me, I had to believe<br />
that I was going to get out of my<br />
family situation, the home town I<br />
grew up in, I had to believe that,<br />
otherwise life would have been<br />
really f**king sh*t. So, I have great<br />
self-belief because I think it can get<br />
you places nothing else can.<br />
“I haven’t gone to university,”<br />
Grace continues. “I wasn’t<br />
particularly academic. I just lead<br />
a really incredible life because I<br />
believe that I deserve it. I think<br />
more women should believe that<br />
they deserve to be happy and<br />
ascend in their power.”<br />
Embracing her own power, and<br />
championing others, is important<br />
to Grace. She has started a new<br />
must-listen podcast, ‘The Sister<br />
Space’, with good friend Simone<br />
Powderly, to address everything<br />
from surving childhood sexual<br />
abuse and learning to be without<br />
trauma, to changing careers,<br />
sex positivity, spirituality, and<br />
body love. It’s full of honest talk,<br />
emotional vulnerability, and<br />
women supporting, and proudly<br />
celebrating, other women. >>>
Dress | ASOS
In addition to her podcast, Grace<br />
is now training to become a trauma<br />
therapist. She is constantly curious<br />
about the world around her, both<br />
the physical and spiritual, and talks<br />
enthusiastically about discovering<br />
astrology, crystal healing, and<br />
using the gift of intuition. Power,<br />
for her, is knowledge of her own<br />
mind, body and soul, as well as the<br />
greater universe. “I’m a sponge,”<br />
she says, explaining her love and<br />
need to continually learn.<br />
Grace lists the books and theories<br />
that have helped her, alongside<br />
therapy, crediting The Secret by<br />
Rhonda Byrne, for focusing her<br />
thoughts on the spiritual laws<br />
of life, manifestations, and the<br />
vibrations within the universe –<br />
love being the highest, and shame<br />
being the lowest. The way we<br />
speak to ourselves, she says, has<br />
the power to raise our own loving<br />
vibrations and generally improve<br />
our health.<br />
However, A Return to Love by<br />
Marianne Williamson, was the<br />
book that changed her life and<br />
relationship with her inner self.<br />
“It sparked everything, and I<br />
started learning more and more.<br />
I recognised the internal change<br />
that was happening for me, which<br />
lead to thinking about what we<br />
put in our bodies – not necessarily<br />
food, but what we read, what we<br />
say about ourselves, the products<br />
that we use – and the big one for<br />
me was contraception.<br />
“So, I came off the pill and my<br />
womb went into meltdown. I<br />
bled every day for about a year,<br />
and was getting thrush every<br />
month. I was in therapy and<br />
talking about sexual trauma,<br />
and I wondered whether there<br />
was a link between women,<br />
wombs, and pain? I started to do<br />
some research and came across<br />
information about manifesting,<br />
and how your womb is your<br />
second heart; it has its own beat<br />
and it’s silenced by false periods<br />
and contraception.<br />
“The GP had no idea what<br />
was happening, so I just kept<br />
on researching, used essential<br />
oils, massage, meditation and<br />
breathwork. I was Googling<br />
‘womb meditation’ and ‘how to<br />
heal your womb naturally’, and<br />
from the outside I must have<br />
looked crazy – but it worked.”<br />
“You don’t have<br />
to be unhappy,<br />
you don’t have to<br />
live an ‘alright’<br />
life, you can lead<br />
a wonderful life if<br />
you believe that<br />
you are worthy<br />
of it”<br />
Grace was relieved to find that her<br />
periods returned to normal, the<br />
thrush disappeared, and she felt<br />
more grounded. “It was all because I<br />
was looking inside of myself. It was<br />
about being curious and knowing<br />
that we are powerful beings. That’s<br />
why I think I’ve healed so much; I<br />
wasn’t just thinking about my mind<br />
or my body, I was thinking about<br />
my soul.”<br />
Grace wants to share all that<br />
she has witnessed and learned<br />
about being well and working on<br />
ourselves, with her audiences. “I<br />
know that people who follow me,<br />
in terms of maybe class or race,<br />
don’t always have access to this<br />
language, this mental health and<br />
wellness education.<br />
“The wellness industry can be<br />
quite privileged and whitewashed –<br />
and its really sacred. The wellness<br />
industry, their beliefs are coming<br />
from African and Greek mythology,<br />
so I want to talk to my people<br />
in the language that I, and they<br />
understand.<br />
“It seems to be what I’m meant to<br />
do, to make healing accessible, and<br />
to let people know that you don’t<br />
have to be unhappy, you don’t have<br />
to live an ‘alright’ life, you can lead<br />
a wonderful life if you believe that<br />
you are worthy of it.”<br />
“I want to tell them that<br />
everything you need to do that<br />
is inside of you,” Grace smiles.<br />
“It’s just about remembering how<br />
powerful you are without anything<br />
else – just you.”<br />
Follow Grace on Instagram<br />
@gracefvictory, and read more from<br />
her at graciefrancesca.com. The<br />
‘Sister Space’ podcast is available<br />
now, and you can listen to Grace<br />
on <strong>Happiful</strong>’s podcast ‘I am. I have’<br />
from 22 July.<br />
Styling | Krishan Parmar<br />
Hair and Makeup | Lo Dias using<br />
Morphe, NARS, and YSL<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 23
How to get a<br />
good night’s sleep<br />
Anxiety, stress, noise, or even your phone or computer, could be coming<br />
between you and eight hours of delightful rest. So here are some simple<br />
steps that will get you blissfully back to the land of dreams<br />
Writing | Ros Knowles Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
We all know we<br />
feel great after<br />
a good night’s<br />
sleep – we wake<br />
feeling refreshed<br />
and ready for the day! However,<br />
it is not always easy to achieve,<br />
and many people suffer from<br />
insomnia.<br />
There can be various reasons for<br />
this, such as noise, disturbance,<br />
or pain. But the usual cause<br />
is often anxiety or stress. As a<br />
hypnotherapist, I regularly work<br />
with people to reduce their anxiety,<br />
in order for them to feel calm, and<br />
to sleep well again.<br />
If we are suffering from anxiety,<br />
this will typically make us wake<br />
in the night feeling miserable,<br />
and leave us unable to get back to<br />
sleep, often with negative thoughts<br />
constantly going around our head<br />
in a loop.<br />
While we’re asleep, our brain has<br />
periods of rapid eye movement<br />
(REM) sleep, when our brain<br />
processes thoughts, emotions, and<br />
experiences, moving them from<br />
the subconscious to the conscious<br />
part of our mind, so we can come<br />
up with solutions to problems. So,<br />
‘sleep on it’ is great advice!
The brain and the body are<br />
very busy while we rest – they<br />
restore and rebuild cells,<br />
and fight off infections. The<br />
brain cleans itself, removing<br />
the debris of the day. Sleep<br />
also provides the brain with<br />
time to embed memories,<br />
so reinforcing what we are<br />
learning.<br />
REM sleep is also a time when<br />
we can replay and process<br />
stressful events in a peaceful<br />
environment, and these can<br />
appear to us as dreams.<br />
So it comes as no surprise<br />
that a good night’s sleep can do<br />
wonders. Here are five top tips<br />
to help you get that essential<br />
peaceful night:<br />
1 TAKE BREAKS FROM<br />
WORK DURING THE DAY<br />
Have breaks away from<br />
your desk to help you<br />
reduce anxiety. It is<br />
tempting to keep going,<br />
but you need to ease off<br />
the pressure, relax, think<br />
about something else, and<br />
let your brain process your<br />
thoughts – frequent breaks<br />
are good for you, and help<br />
you to find solutions and ideas.<br />
Decide to forget about work in<br />
the evening. Choose a cut-off<br />
time when you stop looking<br />
at emails and messages, and<br />
focus on relaxing instead. You<br />
deserve time to rest!<br />
2 PLAN YOUR BEDTIME<br />
Allow time for enough sleep.<br />
It’s easy to be tempted to stay<br />
up late, but give yourself a<br />
reasonable chance to get eight<br />
hours of rest.<br />
Since the advent of electricity,<br />
we no longer set our daily<br />
routines to our natural<br />
circadian rhythm, where we<br />
would sleep when the sun went<br />
down, and rise when it came<br />
back up again.<br />
In the past, people would have<br />
had segmented sleep, a pattern<br />
of four hours sleep, two hours<br />
awake, and then another four<br />
hours sleep before morning.<br />
3 TURN OFF ALL SCREENS<br />
AT LEAST AN HOUR BEFORE<br />
BEDTIME<br />
The blue light from devices<br />
can suppress the production of<br />
the sleep-inducing hormone<br />
melatonin. This hormone<br />
makes us feel naturally<br />
drowsy, so we need it to work<br />
for us, and take us into sleep.<br />
If you have a bedside clock<br />
with an LED display, it might<br />
be a good idea to change it to a<br />
more conventional one, as the<br />
light could interfere with your<br />
sleep. Remove devices with<br />
screens from the bedroom to<br />
avoid temptation! If you read<br />
before you go to sleep, choose<br />
a ‘real’ book where you can.<br />
4 KEEP YOUR BEDROOM A<br />
PEACEFUL PLACE<br />
The bedroom should be<br />
designed for relaxation and<br />
rest, so remove anything that is<br />
not necessary, such as laundry<br />
or anything work-related.<br />
Keep the lighting soft, choose<br />
curtains or blinds that keep the<br />
light out, and make sure the<br />
room is dark when you go to<br />
sleep. Decorate it with restful<br />
colours, with beautiful artwork,<br />
objects, and accessories, to<br />
make it a room you enjoy, that<br />
feels like a sanctuary.<br />
Many people find the smell of<br />
lavender helps them relax; try a<br />
few drops of lavender essential<br />
oil on your pillow.<br />
5 FOCUS ON THE<br />
POSITIVES<br />
If you suffer from anxiety,<br />
remember to focus on<br />
what has been good during<br />
the day, rather than any<br />
problems. It is too easy to<br />
dwell on what went wrong.<br />
Remember the things that<br />
were good, that made you<br />
happy, however small or<br />
big. This is a good habit to<br />
acquire, as we often don’t<br />
notice the nice things. Get<br />
used to enjoying the happy<br />
moments!<br />
Just before you go to sleep,<br />
think of at least three good<br />
things that happened that day<br />
– you may think of more.<br />
Sleep well!<br />
Ros Knowles is a clinical<br />
hypnotherapist practising<br />
solution-focused hypnotherapy,<br />
helping people to make positive<br />
changes in their lives. Visit<br />
dovehousehypnotherapy.com
Writing for<br />
change<br />
Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in her early 20s, Rosie felt ashamed, isolated<br />
and confused. The stigma of BPD has silenced people for years – but she’s had enough.<br />
Through her poetry, Rosie is leading the way for change, and showing that everyone<br />
deserves love, support, and most importantly, a voice<br />
Writing | Maxine Ali<br />
Mental illness can<br />
often feel like a<br />
silent struggle.<br />
Finding and<br />
sharing the right<br />
words to capture<br />
the confusion and emotion of life<br />
with a mental health condition<br />
is no mean feat. It is especially<br />
challenging because these feelings<br />
are not always visible to the<br />
outside world.<br />
Even with various efforts being<br />
made to end the stigma, silence<br />
remains an experience for many<br />
when it comes to discussing our<br />
own mental health.<br />
For Rosie, silence was a defining<br />
part of her early experiences as<br />
she navigated life with a mental<br />
illness. “In the beginning, I felt like<br />
I had no one to talk to,” she says. “I<br />
felt extremely ashamed, isolated<br />
and confused.”<br />
Rosie was diagnosed with<br />
borderline personality disorder<br />
(BPD) when she was 23. “For years,<br />
I carried my BPD around like a<br />
dirty little secret,” she recalls. “Any<br />
attempt I made to say the words<br />
‘borderline personality disorder’<br />
made me want to vomit.”<br />
BPD, sometimes called<br />
emotionally unstable personality<br />
disorder, is characterised by<br />
affective dysregulation, disturbed<br />
patterns of thinking or perception,<br />
and impulsive behaviour.<br />
These characteristics are believed<br />
to emerge as adaptive, defensive<br />
strategies from the chronic<br />
trauma, interpersonal violence,<br />
or emotionally-unprotective<br />
environments often experienced by<br />
people with BPD.<br />
Chartered psychologist Kimberley<br />
Wilson says: “People with a<br />
diagnosis of BPD can often feel<br />
under siege by their own thoughts<br />
and emotions, and become<br />
sensitive towards any hint of<br />
rejection from those around them.”<br />
Rosie adds: “I would describe<br />
a BPD episode as a moment<br />
of emotional agony. In those<br />
moments, I am deafened by<br />
my thoughts and drowning in<br />
emotions.”<br />
Unfortunately, BPD is a condition<br />
layered with myths, stereotypes<br />
and misrepresentations. Many<br />
people with BPD recall being<br />
dismissed as ‘over-dramatic’ and<br />
‘attention-seekers’, feeling coerced<br />
into silence and secrecy for their<br />
own self-preservation.<br />
The sanctions of silence<br />
surrounding BPD were<br />
immediately apparent to Rosie.<br />
“The psychiatrist who diagnosed<br />
me told me it would be better if<br />
she didn’t record my diagnosis<br />
in my medical notes,” she says.<br />
“Essentially, she was telling me to<br />
hide my BPD.”<br />
Individuals with BPD tend to be<br />
treated with less compassion than<br />
those with other mental health<br />
26 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
concerns. Misunderstandings<br />
about the term ‘personality<br />
disorder’ drive a lot of aggression<br />
toward someone living with BPD,<br />
due to the belief that it is the<br />
person’s own identity that is to<br />
blame for their condition.<br />
People with BPD are sometimes<br />
cast as ‘difficult patients’, and<br />
become the target of frustration<br />
from under-resourced and<br />
overstretched clinical teams. This<br />
rejection and hostility can intensify<br />
the punishing effects of BPD by<br />
confirming the worst fears of the<br />
person living with the condition.<br />
Rosie set out to show that people<br />
with BPD are caring, kind and<br />
loving. She wanted to demonstrate<br />
I would describe<br />
a BPD episode<br />
as a moment of<br />
emotional agony.<br />
In those moments,<br />
I am deafened by<br />
my thoughts and<br />
drowning in emotions<br />
that a diagnosis doesn’t have to lead<br />
to a life of shame, guilt and silence.<br />
Rosie began to chronicle her<br />
experience through poetry, and<br />
started her now award-winning<br />
blog, ‘Talking About BPD’. These<br />
outlets were a way for her to talk<br />
about her life when she felt there<br />
was no other way to communicate<br />
honestly.<br />
“Writing is a tool which helps me<br />
bear these strong emotions,” she<br />
says. “It creates a space between<br />
myself and my thoughts. In these<br />
spaces, I can choose how to act,<br />
rather than reacting on impulse<br />
out of fear and anxiety.”<br />
Commanding the language of<br />
one’s own mental health can help<br />
create a sense of autonomy and<br />
personhood, a potent tonic for<br />
any experience that leaves you<br />
feeling invalidated and out of<br />
control. >>><br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 27
As Kimberley Wilson says: “I think<br />
it’s always helpful for patients to<br />
have some agency over how they<br />
and their condition are described.<br />
Receiving any health diagnosis can<br />
be a dehumanising experience;<br />
your personality and personhood<br />
can disappear under the weight<br />
of the label, and this can be felt<br />
even more acutely when your<br />
personality is diagnosed as ‘the<br />
problem’.”<br />
Poetry provided a channel for<br />
Rosie to write about the things that<br />
hurt the most, and turn them into<br />
an ‘object’.<br />
“It’s hard to convey the intensity<br />
of the highs and lows I feel,” she<br />
says. “But poetry gives me a way of<br />
communicating these extremes.<br />
“Describing myself as an electric<br />
eel, and accelerating the rhythms<br />
and frequency of the rhymes, can<br />
portray a rush of hypomania. I can<br />
capture my loneliness by likening<br />
myself to a prawn crawling around<br />
on the seabed, or convey the terror<br />
of an episode by repeating ‘help<br />
me’ seven or eight times.”<br />
Rosie’s voice became one of<br />
representation and solidarity,<br />
letting others know that even in<br />
their most difficult moments, they<br />
aren’t alone.<br />
“The first time I read my poem<br />
‘Bear’, which is about an eating<br />
disorder, a woman said to me that<br />
my poem had said the things she<br />
wanted to say but didn’t know how,”<br />
says Rosie.<br />
Though a powerful tool to help<br />
translate the reality of living with<br />
a BPD diagnosis, self-exploration<br />
isn’t all that the spoken word can<br />
achieve. Poetry can function as<br />
a platform for promoting social<br />
justice, an opportunity to act<br />
against the unfair treatment that<br />
emerges from misunderstandings<br />
and misrepresentations of mental<br />
illness.<br />
It enables people to leave behind<br />
the spectator role that separates<br />
us from the perspective of others,<br />
and gain insight into mental health<br />
as a personal experience, felt by<br />
someone with a past and a future<br />
worth caring about.<br />
Rosie says: “Self-expression can<br />
be a form of activism. After all,<br />
the personal experiences we have<br />
are shaped by the world we live<br />
in. Mental health doesn’t exist in<br />
a vacuum. There is a clear link<br />
between social exclusion and<br />
marginalisation, and mental health<br />
problems.<br />
“More than anything, I want<br />
people going through emotional<br />
distress to be seen, heard, and<br />
cared for, with respect and<br />
compassion,” Rosie says. “Lots<br />
of people experience BPD as a<br />
diagnosis of exclusion from mental<br />
health services, and it’s never OK<br />
for someone to be left without<br />
access to support.”<br />
Rosie’s words aren’t a call to action<br />
to talk, as she acknowledges that<br />
not everyone wants to, or feels safe<br />
doing so. It is an effort to mitigate<br />
the guilt and shame so often<br />
enveloped in a diagnosis of BPD.<br />
Rosie says: “When reading my<br />
writing, I feel compassion towards<br />
myself. My writing bears witness<br />
to moments of pain, and as a result<br />
becomes proof of my survival too.”<br />
28 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
More than<br />
anything, I want<br />
people going<br />
through emotional<br />
distress to be seen,<br />
heard, and cared<br />
for, with respect<br />
and compassion<br />
For Rosie, poetry is empowering<br />
her to reclaim her BPD<br />
NO APOLOGY<br />
She should not apologise<br />
for the trauma<br />
that formed her.<br />
Or for the fire that warmed her,<br />
burned her, turned her to ashes<br />
and reignited her in the same breath.<br />
Follow Rosie on @talkingaboutbpd or<br />
visit her blog talkingaboutbpd.co.uk<br />
Maxine Ali is a health and science<br />
writer, and linguist specialising in<br />
body talk and body image. Follow<br />
Maxine @maxineali or visit her<br />
website maxineali.com<br />
Kimberley Wilson is a dialectical<br />
behaviour therapy-trained chartered<br />
psychologist. Find out more at<br />
monumentalhealth.co.uk<br />
Or for the million lives<br />
and billion deaths<br />
she fledged and shed like feathers.<br />
Or to the divers whose<br />
knees bled on stones.<br />
It’s not her loss to console.<br />
Maybe she is not one woman<br />
but many women.<br />
Maybe the way to understand her<br />
is through her anger.<br />
Her shipwrecked depths<br />
don’t require your anchor.<br />
By Rosie Cappuccino<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 29
<strong>Happiful</strong> Hero<br />
Photography | JoelValve<br />
“<br />
The future belongs to<br />
those who believe in the<br />
beauty of their dreams<br />
30 • happiful • December 2018 – ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Squeeze the most out of summer<br />
When it comes to British summertime, we need to take advantage of every<br />
sunny day we get. Here are some ideas to help you do just that<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
Kew Gardens | kew.org<br />
1 Head out for a picnic<br />
One of the easiest and most<br />
wholesome summer activities,<br />
who doesn’t love a picnic? Grab<br />
yourself a blanket, some snacks<br />
and sun cream, and get yourself<br />
to your nearest green area (yes,<br />
that includes your garden!).<br />
Celebrate with some peace and<br />
quiet solo, or rally up some<br />
friends, kick back, and enjoy.<br />
Looking to step up your picnic<br />
game? We love the Beachcrest Home<br />
4 Person Wicker<br />
Picnic Basket,<br />
1<br />
£35.99,<br />
available at<br />
wayfair.<br />
co.uk<br />
2 Go<br />
stargazing<br />
Summer nights<br />
usually mean clearer<br />
nights, making it<br />
ideal for a spot of<br />
stargazing. Find your 2<br />
nearest ‘dark sky site’ and<br />
take in the vast expanse of a<br />
starry night sky. If you want to<br />
learn more about what you’re<br />
seeing, download the SkyView<br />
Lite app, and point it towards<br />
the sky to identify stars,<br />
constellations, satellites and<br />
more. To find a dark sky<br />
site near you, or to attend a<br />
stargazing event, take a look<br />
at gostargazing.co.uk<br />
3 Explore some Great British<br />
Gardens<br />
If there’s one thing the<br />
UK is good at, it’s<br />
gardening. While<br />
away a summer<br />
afternoon with<br />
a trip to one,<br />
and take in<br />
the beautiful<br />
3<br />
views. We love<br />
Kew Gardens in<br />
London, which houses<br />
rare plants, wildflower<br />
meadows, and tropical<br />
glasshouses. Alongside<br />
standard guided tours,<br />
Kew Gardens provide<br />
monthly British Sign<br />
Language (BSL) tours, and<br />
bimonthly sensory<br />
tours that allow<br />
visitors the<br />
chance to<br />
explore smells<br />
and textures.<br />
If Kew Gardens<br />
sounds up<br />
your street, find<br />
out more and plan<br />
your visit at kew.org. To<br />
explore other gardens, check out<br />
greatbritishgardens.co.uk<br />
4 Take your mindfulness<br />
practice outdoors<br />
Whether you love meditation,<br />
yoga, or a mindful walk, if you<br />
have a mindfulness practice,<br />
4<br />
taking it outside can add a<br />
new dimension. Listen to the<br />
birdsong, notice the warmth<br />
of the sun on your skin,<br />
and take in the glorious<br />
scent of cut grass and<br />
BBQs on a warm<br />
summer breeze.<br />
For inspiration, we<br />
love mindful.org<br />
who share new<br />
meditations<br />
to try.<br />
5 Enjoy<br />
some<br />
movie magic<br />
Cosying up on a<br />
blanket and watching a film<br />
under the stars is a perfect<br />
way to enjoy a balmy summer<br />
evening. There are plenty of<br />
companies that run outdoor<br />
screenings, so have a Google<br />
to see where your nearest one<br />
is, and get ready for some<br />
serious summer vibes. Oh, and<br />
remember to pack an umbrella...<br />
just in case (this is British<br />
summertime we’re talking about<br />
after all). The Luna Cinema<br />
have outdoor showings<br />
across various<br />
locations in the UK,<br />
and offer accessible<br />
facilities. Find out<br />
what’s showing<br />
at thelunacinema.<br />
com/<strong>2019</strong><br />
5
Right here<br />
and now<br />
Continuously embarking on dangerous expeditions for his work, Aldo Kane leads an<br />
adrenaline-fuelled lifestyle. However, as he tells <strong>Happiful</strong>, a sense of calm and<br />
appreciation is always available to you when you learn to live in the moment<br />
Writing | Lucy Donoughue<br />
I’ve caught Aldo Kane in a<br />
rare moment of quiet. He’s<br />
back home, in London, in<br />
the middle of a round of<br />
interviews and photoshoots,<br />
before preparing for his next<br />
exciting expedition to Thailand,<br />
Laos, and Vietnam.<br />
As a former Royal Marine sniper<br />
and current-day TV adventurer,<br />
explorer and presenter, Aldo is<br />
used to spending long periods<br />
away from the UK, exploring the<br />
world. In the past two years alone,<br />
he completed a world recordbreaking<br />
row from Portugal to<br />
Venezuela with Team Essence and<br />
long-time pal Jason Fox, spent<br />
three months in South America<br />
filming Meet The Drug Lords:<br />
Inside The Real Narcos for Channel<br />
4, worked with Steve Backshall<br />
on Undiscovered Worlds, had two<br />
stints in active volcanoes for<br />
Expedition Volcano, and worked on<br />
National Geographic’s One Strange<br />
Rock with Will Smith – and the list<br />
of adventures goes on.<br />
To say that Aldo has experience<br />
of negotiating extreme and<br />
hostile situations, both on and off<br />
camera, is an understatement.<br />
“I’ve been living like this since I<br />
was 16,” he says, referring to when<br />
he went into the armed forces.<br />
“Although I’ve probably been in<br />
more hardcore and high octane<br />
situations since I left the Marines.”<br />
I can only imagine...<br />
With physical strength and a high<br />
state of awareness being so hugely<br />
important for Aldo’s work, it’s<br />
hard to picture what he does in his<br />
downtime, away from the cameras<br />
and pulse-racing activities.<br />
“I always need to be mentally<br />
and physically fit for the next stint,<br />
whatever that might be, so when<br />
I’ve got two weeks off between<br />
jobs I’m not sitting around eating<br />
donuts!” Aldo laughs.<br />
“I’m in the gym, doing crossfit<br />
training, because my body needs<br />
to be prepared to run away from<br />
danger, to escape, fight, whatever<br />
is needed in the moment, and<br />
my brain needs to be ready and<br />
working together with my body to<br />
help me achieve that.”<br />
This marriage of mental and<br />
physical is a recurring theme<br />
as we chat, along with Aldo’s<br />
love of the outdoors. “The<br />
most important thing for me,<br />
My body needs to<br />
be prepared to run<br />
away from danger,<br />
to escape, fight,<br />
whatever is needed<br />
in the moment, and<br />
my brain needs to be<br />
ready and working<br />
together with my<br />
body to help me<br />
achieve that<br />
mentally,” he adds, “is being<br />
outside and being active. It’s so<br />
crucial to get out in nature at least<br />
once a day. It’s there for everyone,<br />
and it’s free.”<br />
Despite the breathtaking, farflung<br />
locations Aldo has filmed<br />
in, he still finds that it’s the UK’s<br />
capital where he regularly gets<br />
the most benefit from open air<br />
exercise – as it’s the place where<br />
he doesn’t have to be “hard-wired<br />
into the environment”, as he does<br />
on location.<br />
32 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
Whether it’s living in solitary<br />
confinement, without access to<br />
sunlight or other people, or facing<br />
life-changing situations with<br />
dangerous criminals, I imagine<br />
this mental aspect of Aldo’s work<br />
could take more of a toll on him<br />
than the physical demands. How<br />
does he deal with the permanent<br />
extreme focus required to ensure<br />
the safety of himself, and others,<br />
when working?<br />
“When I go into a new situation,<br />
I am initially hypervigilant. I<br />
am aware of everything, the<br />
surroundings, people, potential<br />
issues – all of the things that I<br />
need to be thinking about,” Aldo<br />
says simply. “You need to be aware<br />
of all elements of risk – but then<br />
It’s so crucial to<br />
get outside and<br />
in nature at least<br />
once a day. It’s<br />
there for everyone,<br />
and it’s free<br />
you have to put that to the back of<br />
your head. But when something<br />
does happen, you’ve done all that<br />
thinking and planning in advance,<br />
so you’re not in a panic mode.”<br />
It’s hard to reconcile Aldo’s<br />
lightness of approach, and his<br />
calm nature, with the projects he<br />
undertakes. However, it’s clear that<br />
working on his mental strength as<br />
much as his physical state is vital<br />
to him. Practising mindfulness<br />
plays a major role in this, although<br />
it’s not a term that Aldo was aware<br />
of until a couple of years ago, even<br />
though it was a presence in his<br />
everyday life. >>><br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 33
Living in the UK, you<br />
have more opportunity<br />
than probably 95% of<br />
the rest of the world<br />
“Looking back, mindfulness is<br />
something I’ve practised for a<br />
long time. When I was still young<br />
and in the Marines, I used to<br />
lead expeditions and take groups<br />
of students across the world. I<br />
remember sitting on top of a<br />
waterfall in Guyana with about 15<br />
kids who just weren’t interested in<br />
being there.<br />
“I asked them to sit with their<br />
legs dangling over the edge of the<br />
waterfall, close their eyes and<br />
imagine they were back at school,<br />
worrying about exams. Then, that<br />
they hadn’t received the grades<br />
they wanted, or were finding it<br />
hard to get work. I asked their<br />
future selves to think back to this<br />
beautiful, wonderful moment and<br />
wish they were here again. Then<br />
I told them to open their eyes,<br />
look out and really appreciate the<br />
experience.<br />
“That to me is mindfulness.<br />
Being in the moment, soaking it<br />
up and learning from it.”<br />
Cherishing the moment is<br />
equally important when it comes<br />
to his romantic relationship. “I<br />
appreciate my fiancée Anna,” he<br />
smiles. “We spend a lot of time<br />
apart. She’s a producer, and we’ve<br />
had times where I’ve been away<br />
for months and have two days at<br />
home, and then she’ll be away for<br />
three weeks, but those two days we<br />
have together are so special, and<br />
so full of everything you would<br />
want to have.”<br />
The pair won’t have long to<br />
wait until another very special<br />
day, with their wedding planned<br />
for September this year. Yet<br />
while they’re in the middle<br />
of organising their nuptials,<br />
they still have no less than five<br />
working trips between them in<br />
the months before their wedding.<br />
Aldo doesn’t seem at all fazed by<br />
this, but then wedding planning<br />
must be an enjoyable exercise<br />
for someone who has been<br />
used to negotiating the extreme<br />
challenges he has.<br />
When it comes to these<br />
challenges, Aldo is aware of the<br />
importance of monitoring his own<br />
mental health and resilience. After<br />
leaving the Marines, he proactively<br />
sought counselling to ensure that<br />
his experiences in the Services<br />
didn’t come back to impact him<br />
negatively later on in life.<br />
And now? “I make sure I<br />
exercise, I keep my brain busy, I<br />
talk to people who understand<br />
my situation.”<br />
Aldo is consistently quick to<br />
point out the positives in his life,<br />
after speaking about some of the<br />
more testing times he’s endured,<br />
including his time in West Africa<br />
in the middle of the Ebola crisis.<br />
“With the travelling I do, I come<br />
back and it can be wonderful to<br />
just see green grass, or walk into<br />
a shop and just be able to buy<br />
something…<br />
“My perspective is that,<br />
generally, living in the UK,<br />
and in particular London, you<br />
have more opportunity than<br />
probably 95% of the rest of the<br />
world. Anna and I are good<br />
at not complaining, because<br />
we’ve seen those other life<br />
experiences.”<br />
As our conversation ends, I am<br />
left with the sense that Aldo is<br />
someone who has seen the very<br />
worst that human and mother<br />
nature can offer, but he’s also a<br />
person who remains dedicated<br />
to seeing the beauty in life,<br />
who embraces movement and<br />
strength, and celebrates his<br />
connection to other people.<br />
Aldo truly knows what it means<br />
to appreciate each moment,<br />
and live for the here and now –<br />
something we can all do, in our<br />
own way, every day.<br />
34 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
Photography | Joseph Sinclair<br />
This July, Aldo will front the BBC2<br />
Horizon documentary ‘Britain’s<br />
Next Air Disaster? Drones’, and will<br />
appear alongside Steve Backshall in<br />
‘Expedition’ on Dave.<br />
Follow Aldo on Instagram<br />
at @aldokane
I will certainly keep on<br />
running, pacing forward,<br />
finding my rhythm
The healing<br />
power of a<br />
marathon<br />
Heartbreak sent Jenny<br />
spiralling into negative<br />
thoughts and doubts, but<br />
the mindfulness of putting<br />
one foot in front of the other<br />
helped her to rediscover<br />
her rhythm<br />
Writing | Jenny Richardson<br />
Tick tock. The clock counts up<br />
the seconds as I count down<br />
the miles. It’s September 2018,<br />
I am 58, and I’m running the<br />
Loch Ness Marathon.<br />
Sweat runs into my eyes. I blink away<br />
the tears, the fears, the years. Today, this<br />
is what I am: sinews, muscles, a furnace<br />
burning fuel. My breath and feet keep<br />
rhythm with my pumping heart. This<br />
heart that was breaking.<br />
Running is my way into mindfulness.<br />
I need an extended stretch of steady<br />
pacing to find a rhythm, to let my<br />
thoughts ebb and flow, while feeling a<br />
part of my surroundings.<br />
Five years ago I progressed from being<br />
an occasional jogger to a regular runner,<br />
and I was finally able to come off the >>>
‘I am grateful for all I have – my wonderful sons,<br />
family, friends, and freedom’<br />
The beautiful Highland setting was the perfect location for Jenny<br />
to reconnect with herself<br />
antidepressants that<br />
had helped to keep my<br />
equilibrium for 13 years.<br />
The recent downturn<br />
came about after I ended<br />
a year-long relationship.<br />
My mind told me this was<br />
the correct decision, but<br />
I was unprepared for my<br />
gut response. I felt lonely,<br />
hollowed out, and full of<br />
doubt about the future.<br />
After several painful<br />
months, the only solution<br />
I could come up with<br />
was to train for and run<br />
a marathon – my third<br />
– which would, out of<br />
necessity, put me fully in<br />
the moment, and thereby<br />
halt the obsessive spiral of<br />
doubts.<br />
The race starts on high,<br />
exposed moorland, and<br />
heads largely down for<br />
the first six miles to reach<br />
the lochside. At once, I<br />
feel the childlike thrill of<br />
running downhill, and<br />
have to hold myself back<br />
from taking off too fast. I<br />
look at my fellow runners,<br />
intent and focused. There<br />
is a quiet solidarity in our<br />
pounding feet.<br />
At this point, Douglas<br />
firs tower to the left, and<br />
scrub and heather to the<br />
right, allowing views<br />
over the moors and the<br />
mountains.<br />
At the village of Foyers<br />
we get some welcome<br />
encouragement from<br />
spectators, and then are<br />
out on the open road<br />
again. Loch Ness comes<br />
into glorious view ahead.<br />
The tagline for this<br />
marathon only slightly<br />
exaggerates: “If you’re<br />
going to put yourself<br />
through hell, you might<br />
as well do it in heaven.” It<br />
really is heavenly. It is also<br />
of this earth, bringing us<br />
into intimate contact with<br />
one beautiful part of this<br />
planet and, for me, helping<br />
to put life into a more<br />
balanced perspective.<br />
My break-up had thrown<br />
me off kilter. But this was<br />
a short-term reaction and<br />
could not be compared to<br />
my situation in 2000, when<br />
I found myself bringing<br />
up my two boys alone in<br />
England, while their dad<br />
lived in America.<br />
An acrimonious divorce,<br />
constant anxiety about<br />
money and work, and my<br />
fear of failing my children<br />
sent me into a downward<br />
spiral of depression,<br />
sleepless nights, and<br />
panic attacks. I tried<br />
counselling, but talking<br />
didn’t change the facts,<br />
and the passive listening<br />
I felt hollowed<br />
out, and full of<br />
doubt about<br />
the future<br />
made me angry rather<br />
than relieved.<br />
My kindly GP, who had<br />
tried to avoid putting<br />
me on pills, eventually<br />
prescribed SSRI<br />
antidepressants when he<br />
realised how bad things<br />
had become. These saved<br />
me. They quelled the<br />
despair and the overthinking,<br />
enabling me to<br />
get on with life, and my<br />
most important job: being<br />
a parent.<br />
In true Scottish form,<br />
the weather turns in an<br />
38 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
instant, and sunshine<br />
gives way to icy rain.<br />
Every inch of my body<br />
is awake, feeling pain it<br />
is true, but my physical<br />
senses are alive. The clock<br />
is ticking on, and so am I.<br />
But now I ground myself,<br />
literally. I think down<br />
to the soles of my feet,<br />
burning on the tarmac,<br />
pacing onwards, one foot<br />
then the other. These legs,<br />
mighty with their bones,<br />
pulleys, veins and strings,<br />
pushing me on.<br />
I look at the runners<br />
around me. They are<br />
amazing. We are amazing.<br />
Ordinary mortals pushing<br />
ourselves to do more than<br />
we need to, much more<br />
than is comfortable and<br />
easy. We are not heroes;<br />
we are devourers of life,<br />
using the talents given to<br />
us by nature, the universe,<br />
God, however you see it.<br />
This world is so complex<br />
and unpredictable, illness<br />
so random that, while<br />
I can, I must live fully<br />
with my whole intact<br />
heart. I am grateful for<br />
all I have – my wonderful<br />
sons, family, friends, and<br />
freedom.<br />
Somewhere between<br />
miles 23 and 24, in another<br />
freezing downpour, my<br />
joints are seizing up, and<br />
setting at acute angles like<br />
a wooden puppet. I pull<br />
over to unlock myself. I<br />
stretch my arms and they<br />
click. I bend painfully<br />
forward and cannot touch<br />
my toes. My knees crack.<br />
“I feel your pain,” says a<br />
passing runner.<br />
That is comfort. We<br />
do all share a common<br />
understanding. But I am<br />
sure we all have our own<br />
particular pain.<br />
In spite of the effort,<br />
the overall effect of<br />
running is to make me<br />
feel wonderfully well. It is<br />
as though by getting my<br />
heart pumping, the blood<br />
surging round my cells,<br />
my whole body is being<br />
cleansed and replenished,<br />
my mind made clear and<br />
my emotions balanced.<br />
Add to that the<br />
camaraderie of running,<br />
I see why this is a<br />
prescription that works.<br />
The antidepressants got<br />
me through, and allowed<br />
me to feel joy in my<br />
children. As they left the<br />
nest, I braved coming off<br />
the tablets (something I<br />
had tried and failed to do<br />
on previous occasions).<br />
I had already started<br />
running regularly, and<br />
its positive effects meant<br />
a seamless change to my<br />
now being a pill-free zone.<br />
I reach the 25-mile<br />
marker, and suddenly<br />
I start wheezing. I am<br />
gasping, momentarily<br />
struggling to breathe.<br />
I look to the sky, white<br />
clouds racing, to the river<br />
gleaming and patient.<br />
Whatever is going on, I am<br />
not dying. I run on, stiffly.<br />
These last and hardest<br />
minutes become a race<br />
against myself. I am<br />
We are amazing. Ordinary mortals<br />
pushing ourselves to do much<br />
more than is comfortable and easy<br />
Jenny found mindfulness in<br />
running – and set a new PB!<br />
dangerously close to my<br />
previous time. I hear the<br />
the crowds cheer as I push<br />
on, tired and in agony. I<br />
have achieved my aim, to<br />
think of nothing else but<br />
this moment.<br />
And I win, too, in my<br />
private race. I have beaten<br />
my time from three years<br />
ago by four minutes,<br />
finishing in 3 hours 50.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
The cheers are for<br />
everyone. The tears are<br />
from me. I stagger and<br />
sob, not from heartbreak,<br />
but from pure exhaustion.<br />
I must look as wrecked as<br />
I feel, because the woman<br />
handing out T-shirts<br />
makes all the other<br />
runners wait while she<br />
gives me a huge hug.<br />
I’m thankful for this<br />
supportive community,<br />
and the good health<br />
that’s enabled this lateblooming<br />
marathon<br />
career. I needed this 26.2<br />
therapeutic miles to build<br />
my heart back up, to break<br />
the cycle of obsessive<br />
thoughts, and to embrace<br />
life again. I’m not sure I’ll<br />
do any more marathons,<br />
but I’ll keep on running,<br />
pacing forward, finding<br />
my rhythm.<br />
Life often feels like a marathon, and Jenny saw this<br />
from a whole new perspective. She used that sense of<br />
achievement to heal her life, and realised how being in<br />
the moment could help her through the pain and doubt.<br />
Jenny chose her marathon well! Yes it would be tough<br />
– but beautifully so. While we all have far to go<br />
at times, maybe the secret is in choosing a route<br />
that will allow us space to breathe on the way.<br />
Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr<br />
Life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 39
How<br />
can support your mental health<br />
Unpicking the craft of needlework; how it can help you switch off, improve your<br />
mental health, make new friends – and even save the planet<br />
Writing | Lydia Smith Illustrating | Rosan Magar<br />
Most of us can feel<br />
overwhelmed by the<br />
relentless demands<br />
of the digital world.<br />
Endlessly scrolling<br />
through social media, replying to<br />
emails, and checking apps, can<br />
make it difficult to switch off.<br />
Mindful practices are a popular<br />
antidote to this. And sewing, as<br />
well as knitting, is increasingly<br />
recognised as an effective way to<br />
help with anxiety and depression.<br />
The concentration these demand<br />
not only helps to calm the mind,<br />
but learning to repair clothing<br />
helps tackle the environmental<br />
impact of fast fashion, too. Here’s<br />
a quick look at why you might<br />
want to explore the world<br />
of needlework.<br />
1 SEWING IS MINDFUL<br />
Engaging in a mindful activity like<br />
sewing can help us pay attention to<br />
our thoughts and feelings, which<br />
can improve our mental health.<br />
“Being creative is incredible for<br />
your wellbeing,” says Aliss Oxley,<br />
a sewing lover who set up the<br />
Workshop Sewing Cafe, in Leeds.<br />
“It gives you an outlet to<br />
focus energy, but can also give<br />
you an enormous sense of<br />
accomplishment, which is a great<br />
way to support your mental health.<br />
“People say sewing can be almost<br />
meditative. You concentrate on<br />
what you’re making, and the<br />
process of your construction,” she<br />
says. “It means your focus is solely<br />
on the activity<br />
of stitching.”<br />
2 A DISTRACTION FROM<br />
NEGATIVE THOUGHTS<br />
When you’re crafting, you’re giving<br />
your mind a break, too. One study,<br />
which introduced knitting to the<br />
lives of patients with anorexia,<br />
found 74% of participants<br />
described feeling distracted or<br />
distanced from negative emotional<br />
states, as well as more relaxed.<br />
James McIntosh began to knit<br />
when he was struggling with<br />
depression. He recently wrote a<br />
book called Knit and Nibble, which<br />
explores knitting, cooking, and<br />
mindfulness.<br />
“The fear,<br />
anxiety, panic<br />
Starting to sew<br />
• Search #memadeeveryday or #selfishsewing<br />
on Instagram for ideas.<br />
• Visit thefoldline.com, which offers a database<br />
of patterns, and try YouTube and Pinterest<br />
for tutorials and inspiration.<br />
• Try sewing classes, such as Sew It With<br />
Love, in London, or Ministry of Craft, in<br />
Manchester. There are sewing schools all<br />
over the UK.
and sadness, was too much. One<br />
day I found two chopsticks in my<br />
flat and some string, looked on<br />
YouTube, and started to cast on,”<br />
he says. “Before I knew it, I had<br />
knitted ‘something or other’.<br />
“I noticed that each stitch became<br />
a breath, each breath a feeling, and<br />
the stitch was a tangible sign that<br />
my feelings were worth something,<br />
that I was worth something.”<br />
3 A SOCIAL ACTIVITY<br />
Loneliness has huge implications<br />
for our health, and social isolation<br />
is growing in the UK, with 2.4<br />
million adults feeling lonely,<br />
according to the Office for National<br />
Statistics. Joining a sewing group<br />
– which you can often find on<br />
Facebook – is a good way to meet<br />
people.<br />
Issy Woolford-Lim is an avid fan<br />
of needlecraft. “I go to a weekly<br />
group, which gives me social<br />
contact and encourages me to get<br />
out of the house, even when I’m<br />
down,” she says. “We’re all very<br />
positive and encouraging with each<br />
other, which I love.”<br />
“Try to find your local<br />
haberdashery or fabric shop,” Aliss<br />
says. “The sewing community is<br />
incredibly friendly,<br />
and they<br />
should have some great advice to<br />
get started – from sewing meetups,<br />
to fabrics and patterns. They’ll<br />
point you in the right direction.”<br />
4 A CREATIVE SENSE OF<br />
ACHIEVEMENT<br />
Creating something with your<br />
own hands provides a sense of<br />
accomplishment that can boost<br />
mental health. In studies of people<br />
with depression and other chronic<br />
illnesses, textile crafts were<br />
found to increase self-esteem and<br />
improve the sense of wellbeing.<br />
James struggled to find<br />
fashionable knitting patterns<br />
for men, so he started creating<br />
his own. “The first time I put<br />
on something I had knitted, I<br />
felt proud of myself again – an<br />
intimate and personal feeling,”<br />
he says. “I was knocked badly<br />
by homophobia in my native<br />
Northern Ireland, which triggered<br />
the depressive episode, and a stitch<br />
at a time helped me to realise that I<br />
was worth something.”<br />
5 FIXING HELPS TACKLE FAST<br />
FASHION<br />
Our clothes are fast, inexpensive,<br />
and mass-produced, which<br />
enforces cheap labour and<br />
generates a huge amount<br />
of pollution. Global textile<br />
production creates 1.2 billion<br />
tonnes of carbon emissions a<br />
year, according to research by<br />
the Ellen MacArthur Foundation<br />
– more than international flights<br />
and shipping. Repairing clothes<br />
instead of throwing them away<br />
can prevent fabric ending up as<br />
landfill, and lets you know you’re<br />
doing something positive to help<br />
our planet.<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 41
Ask the experts<br />
There are many benefits to<br />
massage therapy, and the<br />
practice is much more than a<br />
pamper. Here, Libby Palmer,<br />
massage therapist and Therapy<br />
Directory member, answers<br />
your questions<br />
Q<br />
I suffer regularly with headaches. I<br />
have a demanding job and relaxation<br />
is something I struggle with. I know<br />
taking some time to really unwind will help,<br />
but is there a particular type of massage you<br />
would recommend?<br />
A<br />
Massage has two roles in treating tension headaches:<br />
relaxation, and trigger point therapy.<br />
A regular massage can help the body maintain an<br />
optimal level of relaxation. In order to find the correct<br />
therapist for your needs, you need one who understands<br />
your condition and is adequately qualified to meet your<br />
needs. A clinical massage therapist, with a level five or six<br />
qualification, will have studied anatomy and physiology, as<br />
well as massage techniques.<br />
The second role in treating tension leading to migraines<br />
and headaches is to relieve tension in trigger points<br />
located in the neck and shoulders.<br />
For relaxation and general wellbeing, consider shiatsu,<br />
aromatherapy, or Swedish massage.<br />
In order to get a rounded treatment, offering both<br />
relaxation and trigger point therapy, it’s important to<br />
discuss your condition prior to treatment, so that the<br />
therapist understands the problem fully, and can tailor a<br />
treatment to your needs.<br />
Q<br />
I’ve recently<br />
moved away<br />
from hormonal<br />
contraception, but<br />
after years of taking<br />
the combined pill, I’m<br />
suffering with PMS.<br />
Friends have told me<br />
certain types of massage<br />
can help ease symptoms,<br />
can you tell me more?<br />
A<br />
Massage is an effective<br />
treatment for PMS as it relaxes<br />
and soothes aching muscles, while<br />
treatment on the abdomen and<br />
lower back can relieve bloating<br />
and tension. Massage is a wellknown<br />
effective treatment for<br />
fluid retention, allowing fluid to be<br />
moved towards the lymph system<br />
and naturally removed by the body.<br />
Massage is also a good way of<br />
lifting your mood, with clients<br />
reporting feeling lighter, less stress,<br />
less bloated, and more energised<br />
after a PMS massage.<br />
Many places may not offer a PMS<br />
massage on their treatment list, but<br />
once you’ve discussed your needs<br />
with the therapist they’ll be able to<br />
tailor a treatment to you.<br />
For optimum results, consider<br />
getting a massage two days<br />
before your period is expected, or<br />
when PMS rears its ugly head, so<br />
approximately every four weeks.<br />
You can find more information about Libby on therapy-directory.org.uk
ASK THE EXPERTS<br />
Brought to you<br />
by Therapy<br />
Directory<br />
Q<br />
After watching the<br />
London Marathon<br />
for years, I’ve<br />
decided to finally take<br />
up running. The first few<br />
weeks have been going<br />
well, but the pain in my<br />
shins is taking its toll. I<br />
don’t want to stop, and<br />
have heard that sports<br />
massage can help with this?<br />
A<br />
I’m sorry to hear you’re<br />
experiencing pain in your<br />
shins – you’re not the only one.<br />
Many people get this problem,<br />
called shin splints, when they begin<br />
to train seriously.<br />
The problem will likely get worse<br />
as you increase your mileage, so<br />
will need managing in order for<br />
you to continue running. Book an<br />
appointment with a clinical sports<br />
and remedial massage therapist.<br />
They will assess your injury, and<br />
your biomechanics, in order to<br />
identify why you are experiencing<br />
this problem. A common cause of<br />
shin splints is over-worn trainers, so<br />
take your shoes with you.<br />
Expect to need at least two or<br />
three appointments to treat and<br />
monitor your injury. Once the<br />
condition is under control, consider<br />
getting a regular sports massage to<br />
keep your muscles in good, flexible<br />
condition, and allow you to train for<br />
your marathon.<br />
Therapy Directory is part of the <strong>Happiful</strong> Family | Helping you find the help you need
M E N S T R U AT<br />
Go with the flow<br />
I O N<br />
F O L L<br />
I C U L A R P H A S E<br />
O V U L A T<br />
I O N<br />
LUTEAL PHASE
When it comes to our periods, most of us know about PMS. But, what<br />
you might not realise is how much our cycle affects us mentally.<br />
Here we take a closer look at the relationship between our<br />
menstrual cycle and our mental health<br />
Writing | Kat Nicholls<br />
Orginal artwork | Charlotte Reynell<br />
A<br />
notification from my<br />
menstrual cycle tracking<br />
app just popped up to<br />
tell me ‘PMS is coming’.<br />
While this may sound a<br />
little ominous, it’s helpful to know. I’m<br />
on day 26 of my cycle, and this week I’ve<br />
felt my anxiety peak – something that<br />
often happens in the days leading up to<br />
my period.<br />
Armed with this information, I know<br />
I need to take things a little easier<br />
over the next week or so. I can allow<br />
anxiety to make itself known in my<br />
body without judgement or fear, while<br />
ramping up my self-care to manage it.<br />
A couple of years ago, I didn’t know<br />
anything about my cycle, apart from<br />
the fact it brought a lot of pain, tears,<br />
and chocolate cravings. It wasn’t until<br />
I started tracking both my mood, and<br />
my cycle, that I noticed the pattern of<br />
anxiety spiking around the time of my<br />
period. And I’m certainly not alone<br />
with this.<br />
Many of us will notice a change<br />
in mood; we all differ in how<br />
severely we’re affected – some<br />
will barely notice a change, while<br />
others find themselves battling with<br />
premenstrual dysphoric disorder<br />
(PMDD, a condition that causes severe<br />
depression, anxiety, and even suicidal<br />
thoughts, around the time of your<br />
period).<br />
Before we explore the mental<br />
health side of things, it’s important to<br />
understand the different phases of<br />
our cycle:<br />
Menstruation<br />
This is when we get our period. Many<br />
people will notice a change in their<br />
energy levels, feeling more tired than<br />
usual, and withdrawn. The first few<br />
days of your period may involve painful<br />
cramps, and a general desire to hide<br />
under a duvet clutching a hot water<br />
bottle and a family-sized bar of Dairy<br />
Milk – just me?<br />
Around halfway through the period,<br />
oestrogen levels rise and our mood<br />
lifts. We start to feel more ‘us’, and pain<br />
generally eases.<br />
Follicular phase<br />
After menstruation, our oestrogen and<br />
testosterone levels rise, and our mood<br />
stabilises. Generally, at this point, you<br />
should feel calm, and as if all is right<br />
with the world.<br />
Ovulation<br />
When we start to ovulate, our<br />
testosterone levels spike, which gives<br />
us an increased sex drive. As well as<br />
feeling in the mood for love, you should<br />
feel more confident. By the end of the<br />
ovulation phase, your oestrogen and<br />
testosterone levels will drop. This can<br />
make you feel tired and you may notice<br />
PMS-like symptoms.<br />
Luteal phase<br />
If you experience PMS, this will be<br />
the week you’ll feel it. This is down to<br />
low levels of oestrogen. The hormone<br />
changes that take place throughout our<br />
cycles lead to the shifts in our mood. >>><br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 45
Many women find that<br />
their mental health<br />
needs more attention<br />
on certain days of<br />
the cycle, and this<br />
awareness itself can<br />
literally save lives<br />
Claire Baker, women’s coach and<br />
menstrual educator, explains: “The<br />
rise and fall of female sex hormones,<br />
oestrogen and progesterone over a<br />
cycle, can affect mood, emotions, and<br />
mental health, because hormones<br />
change the chemistry of the brain.<br />
“This influence is complex and<br />
unique to the individual. It’s natural<br />
to feel a little different, week-to-week,<br />
as hormones shift, but very disruptive<br />
changes in mood and mental health<br />
might point to a hormonal imbalance.”<br />
So why do these hormone changes<br />
affect our mood? Two of the key<br />
hormones that fluctuate are oestrogen<br />
and progesterone, which regulate<br />
neurotransmitters serotonin (dubbed<br />
‘the happy hormone’) and gammaaminobutyric<br />
acid (which relieves<br />
anxiety).<br />
Oestrogen and progesterone levels<br />
rise during ovulation to prepare for<br />
pregnancy. If we don’t conceive,<br />
these levels drop to prepare for<br />
menstruation. This rise and fall<br />
takes a toll on us mentally.<br />
THE IMPACT ON OUR<br />
MENTAL HEALTH<br />
“The impact of menstruation<br />
on mental health is often<br />
greatly underestimated,”<br />
counsellor Simone Ayers tells<br />
us. “Experiences vary on a<br />
spectrum of mood changes<br />
– from increased stress and<br />
anxiety, to suicidal thoughts,<br />
and the use of self-harm to<br />
cope with the intense feelings<br />
that menstruation can cause.”<br />
For those who already struggle with<br />
their mental health, they may notice<br />
a spike in their symptoms, Simone<br />
notes. This is known as premenstrual<br />
exacerbation (PME) and can affect<br />
both mental and physical illnesses,<br />
including anxiety, depression, asthma,<br />
and inflammatory bowel disease.<br />
46 • happiful.com • July <strong>2019</strong>
Lyzi | Instagram: @being_little<br />
Using an app to track<br />
my moods, and<br />
remembering that it<br />
will pass, is helpful<br />
Blogger Lyzi Unwin shares<br />
how her menstrual cycle<br />
affects her.<br />
“Even though my cycle is pretty<br />
much like clockwork, I still find<br />
myself frustrated and confused as to<br />
why I feel so down every month.<br />
“A day or two before my period<br />
is due, I suddenly have an<br />
overwhelming, crippling bout of selfdoubt<br />
and anxiety. I am convinced<br />
that I’m awful at everything, the<br />
ugliest creature to have ever walked<br />
the earth, and that everyone hates<br />
me. Even if everything in my life is<br />
running smoothly, the thoughts are<br />
always the same.<br />
“I haven’t yet found anything<br />
to stop the thoughts, but using<br />
an app to track my moods, and<br />
remembering it will pass, is helpful.<br />
Having a quiet day, and an early<br />
night can be really beneficial, as is<br />
talking to friends who understand.”<br />
Lyzi Unwin blogs about mental<br />
health, fashion and lifestyle at<br />
beinglittle.co.uk<br />
“For those who need extra<br />
support to be able to cope with<br />
their menstrual cycle, it can be<br />
a long journey to find the right<br />
treatment – which may include<br />
any combination of hormonal<br />
treatments, antidepressants,<br />
talking therapy, and lifestyle<br />
changes such as moderated work<br />
schedules and dietary changes,”<br />
Simone says.<br />
OK, so the bad news is that our<br />
menstrual cycle can be linked<br />
to some pretty difficult mental<br />
health challenges. The good news<br />
is, with knowledge comes power.<br />
WHY YOU SHOULD START<br />
TRACKING YOUR CYCLE<br />
Cycle tracking may sound a little<br />
scientific, but it’s actually really<br />
simple. There are countless apps<br />
to help (we love Clue, Moody<br />
Month, and Flo), but you could<br />
also make notes in a journal.<br />
The key things to keep track of<br />
are the day of your cycle (the first<br />
day you bleed is day one) and how<br />
you’re feeling. Over time you’ll<br />
have a better understanding of<br />
your cycle, and how it affects you.<br />
“Menstrual cycle awareness<br />
helps people identify where their<br />
strengths and vulnerabilities lie<br />
in the cycle,” says Claire. “Each<br />
phase of the menstrual cycle<br />
may benefit from a different<br />
approach to self-care, work, or<br />
What is PMDD?<br />
relationships. Tracking helps to<br />
reveal how to live more in flow<br />
with this internal rhythm.<br />
“Many women find their mental<br />
health needs more attention on<br />
certain days of the cycle, and this<br />
awareness itself can literally save<br />
lives. I look forward to the day<br />
when our mental health systems<br />
integrate and prioritise menstrual<br />
cycle awareness.”<br />
So, what can we do when we feel<br />
our cycle impacting our mental<br />
health? Claire says it’s all about<br />
self-care.<br />
“At more vulnerable points in<br />
the cycle, the best kind of selfcare<br />
includes a combination of<br />
getting professional and personal<br />
support, taking some space, and<br />
having personal boundaries,<br />
moving slowly, drinking lots of<br />
water, and sleeping as much as<br />
possible. Knowing where our<br />
sensitivities lie in the cycle, and<br />
being tender with ourselves at<br />
these times, is excellent and<br />
transformative self-care.”<br />
Raising your awareness is your<br />
first step to gaining control, and<br />
if you think you would benefit<br />
from professional mental health<br />
support at any time, don’t be<br />
afraid to reach out.<br />
Learn more about Claire’s coaching<br />
services and menstrual awareness<br />
courses at thisislifeblood.com<br />
“Women living with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) can<br />
experience a huge impact on their quality of life, due to the constant<br />
cycle of deep depression that lasts for extended periods each month.<br />
Relationships and work can also be affected due to social anxiety, and the<br />
debilitating effect of severely painful periods, which can also affect selfesteem<br />
and libido.”<br />
– counsellor Simone Ayers<br />
Simone is based in Hertfordshire, but also offers online counselling sessions and supports<br />
those with PMDD. Learn more and get in touch via simoneayerscounselling.com<br />
<strong>August</strong> July <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 47
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48 • happiful • December 2018
Images | Once Upon a Time in Hollywood: Sony Pictures, Alexandra Elle: @alex_elle<br />
1PAGE-TURNERS<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong><br />
TOP<br />
10<br />
365 Ways to<br />
Be Confident:<br />
Inspiration<br />
and<br />
Motivation for<br />
Every Day<br />
A welcome<br />
addition to Summerdale’s 365 Ways to<br />
series, this collection of self-care ideas,<br />
practical tips, and motivational activities is<br />
designed to boost your mood and build your<br />
confidence.<br />
(Out 8 <strong>August</strong>, Summerdale, £6.99)<br />
GET GOING<br />
Superhero Series, Superhero Tri<br />
Head to Windsor for the UK’s<br />
only disability sports series, where disabled<br />
people can take part in challenges without<br />
worrying about cut-off times or restrictions<br />
on their equipment. Enter solo or with friends<br />
and family, and complete a swim, bike, or run<br />
stage, all three stages, or a mixture of two!<br />
(17 <strong>August</strong>, visit superheroseries.co.uk for more)<br />
TREAT YOURSELF<br />
Pillows made from recycled<br />
plastic bottles<br />
With plastic pollution at the front of a lot<br />
of our minds, the Eco Comfort pillow from<br />
Silentnight is another way that you can make<br />
sure that the things in your home aren’t<br />
harming the planet. Made from<br />
100% recycled materials,<br />
the pillows offer all the<br />
comfort of standard<br />
pillows, but with<br />
an eco-conscious<br />
bonus.<br />
(£30, visit<br />
silentnight.co.uk<br />
to browse the<br />
range)<br />
<strong>August</strong><br />
Broaden your horizons this <strong>August</strong> with a confidence-building read,<br />
an app to help you get creative in the kitchen, and the UK’s biggest<br />
celebration of drag culture<br />
OUT AND ABOUT<br />
4<br />
Jeff Wayne’s The War of<br />
The Worlds: The Immersive<br />
Experience<br />
You’ve read the book and listened to the<br />
score, now it’s time to jump into the cuttingedge<br />
immersive journey through the story of<br />
The War of The Worlds. With a combination of<br />
theatre, virtual reality, and holograms, travel<br />
through Victorian London and survive the<br />
Martian invasion.<br />
(Tickets from £49.50, dates throughout <strong>August</strong>.<br />
Visit dotdot.london to book your place)<br />
TECH TIP-OFFS<br />
Magic Fridge<br />
5 If you want to cut back on food<br />
waste at home, this handy app will help you<br />
on your way. Simply add the ingredients<br />
you have left over in your fridge, freezer<br />
and cupboards, and the app will suggest<br />
delicious, simple recipes that you can whip<br />
up in 30 minutes or less.<br />
(Free from the Google Play Store & App Store)<br />
6<br />
SQUARE EYES<br />
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood<br />
In what’s already been called a<br />
‘masterpiece’ from writer and director<br />
Quentin Tarantino, a struggling TV<br />
actor (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his<br />
stunt double (Brad Pitt) set their eyes<br />
on big-screen fame and glory. In this<br />
celebration of unlikely friendships and<br />
the golden age of Hollywood, Once Upon<br />
a Time in Hollywood is right on track to<br />
become a modern classic.<br />
(In cinemas 14 <strong>August</strong>)<br />
THE CONVERSATION<br />
Playday<br />
Duvet Days<br />
2 9<br />
WIN!<br />
Two Silentnight Eco<br />
Comfort pillows<br />
To enter, email competitions@<br />
happiful.com with your answer<br />
to the following question. What<br />
percentage of household<br />
waste is the UK’s target to<br />
recycle by 2020?*<br />
3<br />
7<br />
8<br />
LEND US<br />
YOUR EARS<br />
Broadcaster Abby Hollick gets into bed with<br />
musicians and artists, including friends of<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> Emeli Sandé and Jordan Stephens,<br />
to have frank chats about everything from<br />
burnout to activism.<br />
(Available to listen to on BBC Sounds)<br />
PUT ON A SHOW<br />
DragWorld London <strong>2019</strong><br />
Celebrate the artistry, talent,<br />
and glamour of drag at the<br />
UK’s biggest convention – this year<br />
partnering with mental health charity<br />
Mind. Browse stores, attend Q&As and<br />
tutorials, and witness fierce lip-sync<br />
battles.<br />
(17–18 <strong>August</strong>, tickets start at £35, Olympia<br />
London, visit dragworld.co.uk for more)<br />
10<br />
PLUGGED-IN<br />
Alexandra Elle<br />
Be uplifted by the words<br />
of poet and host of the ‘Hey Girl’ Podcast<br />
Alexandra Elle, as<br />
she shares snippets<br />
of her work and<br />
snaps from her<br />
life, along with<br />
reflective captions<br />
that will inspire you<br />
to celebrate and<br />
prioritise yourself<br />
(Follow Alexandra on<br />
Instagram<br />
@alex_elle)<br />
Treat your inner-child, or spend time with the children in your life, as Playday <strong>2019</strong> celebrates<br />
the power of play, and encourages children and their families across the UK to get involved in<br />
community events. This year, the theme ‘Play Builds Children’ encourages us to look at how<br />
integral play is to children’s development. (7 <strong>August</strong>, find events near you at playday.org.uk)<br />
*UK mainland only, entries close 20 <strong>August</strong>.
(100)<br />
How to deal with<br />
inbox anxiety<br />
Do you feel constantly overwhelmed by the never-ending pile of messages<br />
in your inbox? You’re not the only one! But for every problem there’s a<br />
solution, and we might just have yours here...<br />
Writing | Fiona Thomas<br />
The average office worker<br />
receives more than 120<br />
emails per day – there<br />
are probably unwanted<br />
memos and meeting<br />
requests winging their way to<br />
you right now! You can try to look<br />
away, but it’s just so tempting.<br />
In fact, a YouGov survey found<br />
that 60% of people check their<br />
work inboxes while on holiday —<br />
even though 80% would prefer to<br />
‘completely switch off’ while away.<br />
Research by the University of<br />
British Columbia has shown a break<br />
could be good for us, revealing<br />
people experienced ‘significantly<br />
lower daily stress’ when their email<br />
access was restricted to three times<br />
a day, compared to unlimited use.<br />
But why does email make us so<br />
anxious in the first place?
PROBLEM: YOU’RE AIMING<br />
FOR ZERO<br />
SOLUTION: LEARN TO PRIORITISE<br />
Do you insist on clearing out<br />
your inbox every single day? The<br />
problem here is that there’s no<br />
finish line, because as soon as<br />
you look away, the messages start<br />
piling up again. The glory of an<br />
empty inbox may be thrilling but,<br />
ultimately, it’s short-lived.<br />
Instead, make a list of the top five<br />
people who deserve your attention,<br />
and commit to responding to<br />
them within 24 hours. Go one<br />
step further by using three folders<br />
labelled ‘Today’, ‘End of Week’ and<br />
‘End of Month’ to help prioritise<br />
which emails need to be dealt with<br />
first. The rest can wait.<br />
PROBLEM: YOU LOVE<br />
REWARDS<br />
SOLUTION: FIND THEM<br />
ELSEWHERE<br />
In her book, Unsubscribe: How to<br />
Kill Email Anxiety, Avoid Distractions<br />
and Get Real Work Done, Jocelyn<br />
K Glei cites a 1930s experiment<br />
(albeit with rats instead of humans)<br />
which shows how addictive the<br />
random rewards system can be.<br />
Similar to rats pressing a lever to<br />
receive food, we hit that refresh<br />
button in the hopes of seeing a new<br />
email. Most of the time it’s boring<br />
junk mail, but every now and again<br />
there’s an exciting job prospect or<br />
event invitation.<br />
According to Glei, it’s these<br />
random rewards that make us<br />
want to “push the lever again and<br />
again and again, even when we<br />
have better things to do”. Replace<br />
this reward-seeking behaviour<br />
with a daily to-do list, or monthly<br />
goal tracker. Keep your goals in<br />
sight (literally on a noticeboard<br />
in front of you) and work towards<br />
a guaranteed reward, such as an<br />
early lunch break, walk in the<br />
park, or beauty treatment. Every<br />
time you find yourself knee-deep<br />
in pointless correspondence, bring<br />
yourself back to those goals.<br />
PROBLEM: YOU ALWAYS<br />
ASSUME THE WORST<br />
SOLUTION: TAKE A STEP BACK<br />
Without body language or tone of<br />
voice to pick up on, the written<br />
word can often be misconstrued.<br />
I spoke to psychotherapist Annie<br />
Cassidy — who works at private<br />
clinic Esher Groves — who says:<br />
“With email, there’s always this<br />
sense that it’s going to be bad<br />
news, and that can be really<br />
overwhelming for people. They<br />
can become obsessed, and check<br />
emails all the time.”<br />
She suggests allowing a cooling<br />
off period before responding,<br />
taking time and space to reflect on<br />
the context of the email. Instead<br />
of allowing email to control your<br />
mood, don’t visit your inbox until<br />
you’re emotionally ready. When do<br />
you feel most calm? Maybe it’s after<br />
lunch, or once you’ve exercised.<br />
Identify this part of the day and<br />
respond to emails during this time.<br />
PROBLEM: YOU FEEL<br />
OBLIGED TO RESPOND<br />
SOLUTION: SET BOUNDARIES<br />
If you receive an email outside<br />
of normal office hours, should<br />
you respond right away? Not<br />
necessarily. According to Annie,<br />
you’ve got to be the one to set your<br />
own boundaries so that people<br />
don’t get the wrong idea. “You need<br />
to identify what you can tolerate,<br />
and when those boundaries can<br />
be stretched. The onus is on you to<br />
monitor your own boundaries.”<br />
Make a rule that you won’t<br />
respond to work emails after<br />
hours, and delete the email app<br />
on your phone at the weekend.<br />
Even better, ask for a designated<br />
work phone that you can switch<br />
off after 5pm. Consider adding<br />
your working hours to the footer<br />
of every email to get the message<br />
across. Oh, and those random<br />
emails from someone you’ve<br />
never met asking for a favour? Get<br />
comfortable with ignoring them<br />
completely.<br />
60% of people who<br />
use email for work<br />
check their inboxes<br />
while on holiday<br />
PROBLEM: IT SUCKS ALL<br />
YOUR TIME<br />
SOLUTION: COMMUNICATE<br />
MORE EFFICIENTLY<br />
Set a timer and work through your<br />
inbox for an hour each day, then<br />
call it quits. Minimise the email<br />
tennis which can go on for weeks<br />
at a time by picking up the phone,<br />
arranging a Skype call, or simply<br />
walking over to your colleague’s<br />
desk to move things forward. You’ll<br />
be surprised at how quickly things<br />
progress when you have a faceto-face<br />
conversation instead of a<br />
lengthy email thread.
I had done what so<br />
many people had said<br />
was impossible
From being<br />
diagnosed<br />
with ME, to<br />
rediscovering me<br />
Chronic fatigue syndrome<br />
shook Vikki’s life to the core, but<br />
it also prompted her to reassess<br />
what really mattered. Now,<br />
she’s determined to never take<br />
a moment for granted<br />
Writing | Vikki Cook<br />
Sitting at my desk, tears<br />
splashing on my keyboard,<br />
I avoided meeting the<br />
impatient sideways glares<br />
from my colleagues, and<br />
tried to pull myself together.<br />
For months I’d been struggling, aware<br />
of the gossip and rumours, and trying<br />
to stay on top of my work, but an<br />
important meeting had just fallen apart<br />
because of me. My brain fog had left<br />
me unprepared. I was humiliated, and<br />
couldn’t even summon the energy to<br />
walk to the toilets to sob in private.<br />
A year earlier, in December 2010, a<br />
vicious strain of flu left me with postviral<br />
fatigue syndrome (PVFS) – a<br />
condition that can leave the sufferer with<br />
a host of symptoms, from muscle aches<br />
to disabling fatigue. >>>
Hear more from Vikki on her blog,<br />
Life’s a Beach, at bit.ly/2Ywlckr<br />
The support from Vikki’s family helped her stay<br />
strong through her experience<br />
Graded exercise therapy was an effective treatment for Vikki<br />
In time my symptoms<br />
faded, but in January 2011<br />
I contracted chicken pox.<br />
The PVFS followed, but<br />
this time, after six months,<br />
I was diagnosed with ME<br />
(also known as chronic<br />
fatigue syndrome) and<br />
was warned I might never<br />
recover.<br />
Every day was a fight<br />
with my own body;<br />
tremors, headaches,<br />
painful muscle spasms,<br />
memory loss, noise<br />
sensitivity, and exhaustion<br />
so severe I could barely<br />
walk to and from the<br />
bathroom unaided. Day by<br />
day, the me I had known<br />
for 25 years slipped away.<br />
I spent two months<br />
off work, while my<br />
husband worked full-time<br />
and cared for me, but<br />
eventually I felt pressure<br />
from my employer.<br />
I began a phased return<br />
to work, fighting against<br />
my symptoms, barely<br />
aware of anything beyond<br />
my need to get home, cry,<br />
and fall asleep.<br />
When a supplier<br />
arranged a visit, I was<br />
asked to lead the meeting,<br />
as I had done many times<br />
before. I had tried in vain<br />
to clear my foggy head,<br />
but a misunderstanding<br />
with my manager, made<br />
worse by my confusion,<br />
had led to a meeting with<br />
none of the information<br />
required. After 20 painful<br />
minutes of baffled<br />
flapping on my part, I<br />
returned to my desk,<br />
tearful and ashamed.<br />
I had never felt so<br />
incompetent.<br />
My parents and husband,<br />
Rich, concerned by how<br />
ill I still was and the effect<br />
the stress was having on<br />
my mental health, insisted<br />
I take a six-month break<br />
from work to focus on my<br />
recovery. My request for a<br />
sabbatical was accepted,<br />
and everyone hoped the<br />
long rest would trigger a<br />
recovery. It didn’t.<br />
By November, I was no<br />
better, but I had realised<br />
something: my job and<br />
the environment I was<br />
working in was killing me.<br />
I had heard the rumours:<br />
I was faking the whole<br />
thing; I was using my time<br />
off for other activities; I<br />
was looking for attention.<br />
None of it was true, but<br />
the constant judgement<br />
stung. I handed in my<br />
notice, left the office, and<br />
never looked back.<br />
Relying on our savings,<br />
we searched for answers.<br />
I tried supplements,<br />
Day by day,<br />
the me I had<br />
known for 25<br />
years slipped<br />
away<br />
Chinese medicine,<br />
acupuncture, and<br />
attended an ME clinic. I<br />
spoke to fellow sufferers<br />
online, who all agreed on<br />
one thing: it was unlikely I<br />
would recover.<br />
In spring 2014, I was<br />
introduced to ‘reverse<br />
therapy’ – an approach<br />
based on the idea that<br />
illnesses like mine were<br />
the result of ignoring your<br />
body’s warning signals for<br />
too long. By reconnecting<br />
my body and mind, I<br />
could start to heal.<br />
54 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
The therapist asked me<br />
to write a list of things that<br />
made me happy, and do<br />
some of them every day.<br />
I could think of nothing<br />
– and this was my first<br />
breakthrough. I’d been so<br />
overwrought at work for<br />
so long that I didn’t know<br />
what I liked doing. How<br />
had I let that happen? It<br />
sparked something inside.<br />
I didn’t care what anyone<br />
else told me; I would<br />
recover, no matter what.<br />
I read more, and began<br />
daily meditations. To keep<br />
my brain active, I started<br />
working towards a degree<br />
with the Open University.<br />
I cleaned up my diet, and I<br />
got outside more.<br />
I read about something<br />
called ‘graded exercise<br />
therapy’ – an NHSapproved<br />
treatment that<br />
follows a programme of<br />
steadily increased activity.<br />
Confident this could be<br />
the right approach for me,<br />
I began taking short walks<br />
nearly every day.<br />
The first walk, in early<br />
2015, only took me to<br />
the end of our road, and<br />
afterwards I cried with<br />
exhaustion. It felt like<br />
knives were stabbing my<br />
thighs as I walked, and<br />
once home I couldn’t even<br />
get myself a glass of water,<br />
but I did it again two days<br />
later. This time, it wasn’t as<br />
difficult. I quickly learned<br />
to recognise when my<br />
body had had enough, and<br />
within six months, I could<br />
walk well over a mile.<br />
Most of my symptoms<br />
gradually faded, and while<br />
the fatigue was the only<br />
remaining part, I started<br />
playing badminton.<br />
By early 2016, I was<br />
swimming and playing<br />
rounders once a week.<br />
We celebrated my<br />
progress with a holiday. In<br />
<strong>August</strong> 2016, we went to<br />
Rome, but I was nervous<br />
about how I’d cope. My<br />
husband reassured me<br />
that we didn’t have to do<br />
anything in particular, and<br />
could just relax.<br />
His optimism helped<br />
bolster my own, but I<br />
needn’t have worried. We<br />
threw ourselves into that<br />
holiday, and were amazed<br />
when my fitness tracker<br />
reported I’d walked 14,000<br />
steps one day. I did 11,000<br />
the next. I kept waiting<br />
for the fatigue to knock<br />
me off my feet, but aside<br />
from sore leg muscles, I<br />
felt great.<br />
The day after we<br />
returned home, I applied<br />
for a part-time job at a<br />
pet shop. Standing up all<br />
day was hard, but after<br />
a few weeks my body<br />
adjusted. In time I went<br />
up to working three days<br />
a week, continued my<br />
studies, and maintained<br />
my physical exercise.<br />
While ME will affect<br />
some people for the rest<br />
of their lives, in February<br />
2017, I declared myself<br />
recovered. It had been<br />
six long years of fighting<br />
every single day but, at<br />
At last, I had done what so many<br />
said was impossible, and I was<br />
determined never to take my life<br />
for granted again<br />
Vikki graduated in 2018, with<br />
first-class honours<br />
last, I had done what so<br />
many said was impossible,<br />
and I was determined<br />
never to take my life for<br />
granted again. I would do<br />
everything that made me<br />
happy, and work to spread<br />
that happiness to others.<br />
I now have a blog on this<br />
topic – Life’s a Beach.<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
Our bodies tell us everything we need to know, but often we<br />
ignore the warning signs that something is wrong. Once Vikki<br />
reconnected with herself physically, the mindful healing began<br />
– what therapists call ‘working phenomenologically’. It’s terribly<br />
hard when you have an illness nobody understands;<br />
it can be a frustrating and lonely experience.<br />
Fortunately, Vikki had a good support structure, but if<br />
you haven’t, remember there is always help out there<br />
in the form of counselling. You don’t have to be alone.<br />
Beverley Hills | MA MBACP<br />
Psychotherapist<br />
Action for ME estimates<br />
17 million people around<br />
the world suffer from<br />
ME, and are often driven<br />
people who forget selfcare.<br />
It doesn’t surprise<br />
me. In a world that<br />
idolises success, it’s easy<br />
to sacrifice everything to<br />
be the best. I learned the<br />
hard way that success is<br />
nothing without health.<br />
In November 2018, I<br />
stepped on stage to collect<br />
my first-class degree<br />
with honours. As I shook<br />
the Dean’s hand, I was<br />
bursting with pride. I was<br />
surrounded by the love of<br />
family and friends who’d<br />
stuck by me, I’d earned<br />
my degree, and I’d done it<br />
all while battling a vicious<br />
illness that nobody truly<br />
understands.<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 55
<strong>Happiful</strong> Hero<br />
Photography | M T Elgassier<br />
“<br />
If opportunity doesn’t<br />
knock, build a door<br />
56 • happiful • December 2018 – MILTON BERLE
Editor’s picks<br />
Rebecca Thair<br />
I’m the dog-obsessed editor of <strong>Happiful</strong> – sorry for hounding you with<br />
pictures of pups! Outside of work, I can normally be found in the gym<br />
watching Killing Eve to feel like a badass, bingeing on a good box set, or<br />
getting out for walks around Virginia Water, with a quick pit-stop at a pub<br />
Images | Sliders: ASOS, Twilight Spray: Lush, Emojis: emojipedia.org<br />
FAVOURITE SONG<br />
Sam Cooke – ‘Bring It on Home to Me’<br />
BEST THING YOU’VE DONE<br />
RECENTLY FOR YOUR WELLBEING?<br />
I deleted our internal messenger<br />
app from my phone – it’s<br />
important to set boundaries<br />
when away from the office!<br />
MUST-TRY PRODUCT<br />
‘Sleepy’ body lotion from Lush<br />
(£16), or their ‘Twilight’ spray<br />
(£20). When I’m stressed, sleep<br />
is the first thing that goes out of<br />
the window, but these lavenderinfused<br />
products<br />
smell incredible,<br />
and really work<br />
wonders. Definitely<br />
worth a try when<br />
sleep evades you!<br />
FAVOURITE QUOTE<br />
MUST-TRY ACTIVITY<br />
For summer evenings, you can’t<br />
beat a bit of Top Golf. Some fresh<br />
air, fun with friends, and if you’re<br />
feeling frustrated, a great way to<br />
let off some steam.<br />
YOUR PET HATE<br />
People using their Facebook<br />
status as a replacement for<br />
Google. This isn’t the place to<br />
request a quote on your new<br />
kitchen, Sharon.<br />
MUST WATCH<br />
It’s all about The Handmaid’s<br />
Tale right now. No explanation<br />
required. If you’re not watching,<br />
catch up immediately.<br />
So we beat on, boats against the current,<br />
borne back ceaselessly into the past<br />
– F. Scott Fitzgerald<br />
From my favourite book, The Great Gatsby. While the message might be<br />
‘you can’t repeat the past’, and the futility of the American dream, I still<br />
see hope in it. The future can still be full of new possibilities, when we<br />
stop letting the past hold us back.<br />
ON THE UP<br />
Sliders<br />
Yes, I take office<br />
casual too far…<br />
In my defence,<br />
it’s summer.<br />
GOING DOWN<br />
Office air con<br />
It’s roasting outside,<br />
but like the North<br />
Pole inside – the<br />
clothing dilemma<br />
is real.<br />
YOUR SELF-CARE ADVICE<br />
Give yourself a break.<br />
Sometimes self-care is<br />
treating yourself well,<br />
pampering, or going to the<br />
gym. But sometimes it’s<br />
letting yourself have a night<br />
off when you need it. To be<br />
lazy, to not do anything on<br />
your to-do list, and relish<br />
some meaningless<br />
downtime.<br />
FAVOURITE FOOD<br />
Fajitas. All about that<br />
sizzle and spice.
BUST OUT THE<br />
BBQ<br />
Say goodbye to boring burgers, it’s time for a change<br />
Writing | Ellen Hoggard<br />
The UK may be used to<br />
a not-so-dry summer,<br />
but that doesn’t stop<br />
us from making the<br />
most of the warmer<br />
days and eating al fresco. While a<br />
BBQ typically involves meat, we’re<br />
mixing things up. We’re going<br />
vegan, and the food is so good<br />
that everybody will be asking you<br />
for the recipe.<br />
With Meat Free Monday and<br />
other initiatives in full swing, we<br />
want to inspire you this season<br />
with a delicious collection of<br />
recipes – ready to throw on<br />
your BBQ, rain or shine. There’s<br />
something so special about trying<br />
a new dish and running away<br />
with your imagination when it<br />
comes to cooking, and this is<br />
no exception. As always, our<br />
recipes are totally open to change,<br />
depending on your taste and what<br />
you have in the cupboard.<br />
So fire up the grill, it’s time to<br />
impress your guests.<br />
CHARGRILLED VEGETABLE<br />
SKEWERS<br />
Makes 12<br />
Ingredients<br />
1 courgette<br />
1 yellow pepper<br />
1 red pepper<br />
2 red onions<br />
180g chestnut mushrooms<br />
200g cherry tomatoes<br />
50g ciabatta<br />
1 lemon, grated<br />
1 red chilli, finely chopped<br />
2 sprigs of rosemary, chopped<br />
Extra virgin olive oil<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
Method<br />
Soak 12 wooden skewers in water<br />
to stop them from burning on<br />
the barbecue. Chop the peppers,<br />
red onions, mushrooms, and<br />
courgette into large chunks, and<br />
place in a mixing bowl. Remove<br />
the crust from the ciabatta and<br />
cut into 2cm chunks. Add to the<br />
bowl, along with the tomatoes. In<br />
a small bowl, combine the chilli,<br />
rosemary and lemon zest. Add<br />
the olive oil, salt and pepper and<br />
mix. Add to the vegetables. Using<br />
your hands, toss everything<br />
together and leave to marinate<br />
for 30 minutes.<br />
Divide and thread the<br />
ingredients between your<br />
skewers. Add to the barbecue,<br />
cooking for 8–10 minutes,<br />
turning occasionally. Serve.<br />
58 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
FIVE BEAN SALAD<br />
Serves 8<br />
Ingredients<br />
1 can kidney beans<br />
1 can chickpeas<br />
1 can black beans<br />
1 cup edamame beans<br />
1 cup green beans, chopped<br />
1/2 red onion, diced<br />
2 tbsp parsley, chopped<br />
Juice of half a lemon<br />
2 tbsp agave syrup<br />
4 tbsp white wine vinegar<br />
1 tsp extra virgin olive oil<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
Method<br />
Drain the beans. In a large bowl,<br />
combine the beans, onions,<br />
and parsley. In a separate bowl,<br />
combine the olive oil, lemon<br />
juice, white wine vinegar and<br />
agave syrup. Whisk. Add to the<br />
bean mixture and season with<br />
salt and pepper. Serve.<br />
SWEET BBQ TOFU<br />
Serves 4<br />
Ingredients<br />
1 block tofu, pressed<br />
10 tbsp BBQ sauce<br />
70ml orange juice<br />
70ml water<br />
1 tsp chilli powder<br />
1/2 tsp chilli flakes<br />
Salt and pepper<br />
Method<br />
Prepare your tofu by pressing it<br />
before use. When the moisture is<br />
removed, slice into large chunks.<br />
In a small pan, combine the BBQ<br />
sauce, orange juice, water, and<br />
dry ingredients over a low heat.<br />
Place the mixture in a bowl and<br />
add the tofu, coating both sides.<br />
Leave to marinate for two hours.<br />
Spray the grill with oil so the<br />
tofu doesn’t stick. Grill the pieces<br />
for 4–5 minutes on each side,<br />
brushing with additional sauce.<br />
Season with salt and pepper to<br />
taste. Serve.<br />
Find a<br />
nutritionist<br />
near you at<br />
nutritionistresource.org.uk<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS…<br />
CHARGRILLED VEGETABLE<br />
SKEWERS<br />
All the colourful vegetables are<br />
bursting with health-giving fibre,<br />
to keep blood sugar levels stable,<br />
and antioxidants to boost the<br />
immune system. You could<br />
add garlic cloves to<br />
the skewers, giving a<br />
roasted garlic flavour<br />
and additional health<br />
benefits.<br />
FIVE BEAN SALAD<br />
This salad is really rich<br />
in low fat, low cholesterol,<br />
protein, and plenty of gut-friendly<br />
fibre. Fresh mint, coriander,<br />
tarragon, chives and basil could<br />
also be added for extra flavour, and<br />
to help boost the immune system.<br />
You may not need the sweet agave<br />
syrup, so taste the dressing before<br />
adding it, and if you like apple<br />
cider vinegar, consider using that<br />
in place of the white wine vinegar.<br />
SWEET BBQ TOFU<br />
Tofu is a great source of vegan<br />
protein, and is low in fat and<br />
cholesterol. It takes on flavour<br />
really well, so any marinade will<br />
work. You could make an Asianinspired<br />
one by using 10 tbsp black<br />
bean sauce, 1 tsp ginger garlic<br />
paste, 1/2 tsp chilli flakes, salt and<br />
pepper, and 150ml water. To make<br />
the cooking process easier, thread<br />
the tofu on to skewers before<br />
placing on the grill.<br />
Susan Hart is a nutrition<br />
coach and speaker. As well<br />
as delivering healthy eating<br />
advice to individuals, Susan<br />
hosts regular workshops and<br />
runs vegan cooking classes. Find<br />
out more at nutrition-coach.co.uk<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 59
What is endometriosis?<br />
With 176 million women across the world believed to have endometriosis, it’s a condition<br />
affecting a huge number of lives, and yet for many of us it remains a bit of a mystery…<br />
Here, nutritional therapist Sonal Shah, explores the symptoms to be aware of, possible<br />
causes, along with how diet could be key to managing the condition<br />
Writing | Sonal Shah<br />
The second<br />
most common<br />
gynaecological<br />
condition in the UK,<br />
endometriosis is the abnormal<br />
growth of cells that form in the<br />
lining of the uterus. Some of<br />
these cells may, instead of being<br />
expelled from the body during<br />
the menstrual process, actually<br />
end up continuing their cycle<br />
elsewhere. They then have no<br />
way of leaving the body, so the<br />
material builds up and may attach<br />
itself to other organs in the lower<br />
abdomen, such as the ovaries,<br />
fallopian tubes, or bowel.<br />
While endometriosis can affect<br />
women of any age, it is most often<br />
found in those in their 30s and<br />
40s. While it’s difficult to pinpoint<br />
the exact number of women<br />
who develop endometriosis,<br />
it’s estimated that one in 10<br />
women of reproductive age in<br />
the UK have it, and it costs the<br />
UK economy around £8.2 billion<br />
each year due to treatment, loss of<br />
work, and associated healthcare<br />
costs. So, understanding how to<br />
manage and reduce the impact<br />
of endometriosis on the lives of<br />
sufferers is essential, and the<br />
likelihood is you already know<br />
someone who is all-too-familiar<br />
with the pain and discomfort this<br />
condition can bring...<br />
SYMPTOMS AND<br />
COMPLICATIONS<br />
When it comes to endometriosis,<br />
it really can be quite a unique<br />
experience for people. One thing<br />
to note is that the severity of<br />
endometriosis does not always<br />
correspond to the level of pain<br />
and discomfort experienced.<br />
Additionally, symptoms can vary<br />
from one woman to another, and<br />
some women may not experience<br />
any symptoms at all.<br />
For those who do, the classic<br />
symptoms to be aware of include<br />
pelvic pain, heavy periods,<br />
intermittent pain throughout<br />
the menstrual cycle, painful<br />
intercourse, painful bowel<br />
movements, fatigue, nausea,<br />
vomiting and constipation during<br />
menses, and infertility.<br />
One of the primary concerns<br />
with endometriosis is that it can<br />
cause fertility problems. While<br />
the reasoning for this is not<br />
fully understood, it is thought<br />
to be because of damage<br />
caused to the fallopian tubes or<br />
ovaries.<br />
Other issues which can<br />
arise include some women<br />
developing adhesions – ‘sticky’<br />
areas of endometriosis tissue<br />
that can join organs together.<br />
Ovarian cysts may also develop,<br />
which are fluid-filled cysts in<br />
the ovaries that can sometimes<br />
become very large and painful,<br />
and can be treated with surgery.<br />
For some women, the impact<br />
that endometriosis can have on<br />
their life can lead to depression,<br />
so it’s important to recognise<br />
symptoms, and look for support<br />
with managing the condition as<br />
soon as possible.<br />
If you suspect you may have<br />
endometriosis, it’s important<br />
that you speak with your GP. As<br />
symptoms can vary, it’s a good<br />
idea to keep track of them in a<br />
diary so that you can accurately<br />
describe them during your<br />
appointment with the doctor.<br />
60 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
POTENTIAL CAUSES<br />
Unfortunately, the exact cause<br />
of endometriosis is unknown,<br />
and there is no definite cure.<br />
However, some possible reasons<br />
are outlined here, and the<br />
likelihood is it could be a result of<br />
a combination of factors:<br />
• One theory is that hormonal<br />
imbalances, such as oestrogen<br />
dominance, may play a role.<br />
Interestingly, the symptoms of<br />
oestrogen dominance are similar<br />
to that of endometriosis.<br />
Endometrial tissue produces<br />
an enzyme called aromatase<br />
which, in turn, leads to oestrogen<br />
production. Furthermore,<br />
oestrogen and progesterone both<br />
regulate phases of the menstrual<br />
cycle, and if a woman has gut<br />
and liver imbalances, the old<br />
hormones might not get cleared<br />
out soon enough. This can provide >>><br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 61
the opportunity for the unwanted<br />
recycling of oestrogen, and high<br />
levels of oestrogen compared to<br />
progesterone.<br />
• Endometriosis and irritable<br />
bowel syndrome (IBS) seem to<br />
go hand-in-hand, with many<br />
women who have endometriosis<br />
reporting this. A recent study<br />
published in the European Journal<br />
of Obstetrics & Gynecology and<br />
Reproductive Biology found that<br />
IBS is five times higher in women<br />
with endometriosis, compared to<br />
women without endometriosis,<br />
prompting thoughts of a possible<br />
link.<br />
A bacterial imbalance in the gut<br />
can also impact the microbes and<br />
bacteria in the large intestine,<br />
small intestine and pelvic area.<br />
This could potentially cause<br />
inflammation that damages the<br />
cells and activates the immune<br />
cells in the body leading to a<br />
dysfunctional immune system,<br />
which is also a potential trigger.<br />
• In the 1920s, Dr John<br />
Sampson believed ‘retrograde<br />
menstruation’ could be one<br />
explanation behind the condition.<br />
He believed that endometriosis<br />
could be caused by menstrual<br />
tissue flowing in reverse through<br />
the fallopian tubes, and landing<br />
on the pelvic organs where it may<br />
stay and grow.<br />
• Another possible cause could<br />
be simply down to our genetic<br />
disposition – an individual might<br />
find their risk of developing<br />
endometriosis increases if it<br />
runs in the family. Additionally,<br />
hormonal developments like early<br />
puberty might be influenced by<br />
genetics.<br />
HOW NUTRITION CAN HELP<br />
Given the importance of<br />
gut health, including the<br />
detoxification of hormones<br />
through the liver, it makes sense to<br />
investigate how improving our gut<br />
health could help to manage the<br />
symptoms of endometriosis.<br />
Because those with<br />
endometriosis are likely to have<br />
inflammation in the gut and pelvic<br />
area, the emphasis is therefore on<br />
an anti-inflammatory diet to help<br />
with this.<br />
It’s estimated that<br />
one in 10 women<br />
of reproductive<br />
age in the UK have<br />
endometriosis<br />
This would mean eating oily<br />
fish for their omega-3 content,<br />
or seeds, nuts and avocados,<br />
olive oil, colourful foods like<br />
dark berries, carrots, sweet<br />
potatoes, and leafy vegetables,<br />
which provide vitamins and<br />
minerals that help lower<br />
inflammation and strengthen<br />
our immune system.<br />
Green tea, cinnamon, ginger,<br />
and turmeric are also good<br />
at helping the body to fight<br />
inflammation. Cruciferous<br />
vegetables like broccoli, kale, and<br />
Swiss chard contain magnesium,<br />
along with a compound called<br />
indole-3-carbinol that assists<br />
the body in healthy oestrogen<br />
metabolism. Furthermore many<br />
of these foods (also beans and<br />
pulses) are rich in fibre, which<br />
can all help to restore hormonal<br />
imbalance.<br />
TASTE THE DIFFERENCE<br />
An anti-inflammatory green<br />
smoothie could be a wonderful<br />
addition to your diet, and help<br />
those with endometriosis<br />
symptoms. With smoothies, you<br />
can have this daily, and simply<br />
change up some of the fruit and<br />
veg you add for a bit of variety!<br />
Recipe:<br />
• 1 cup of dark green vegetables<br />
(spinach, kale, or watercress)<br />
• 1 cup of fruit (berries, mango)<br />
• 1/2 an avocado or 1 tbsp ground<br />
flaxseeds<br />
• 250ml dairy-free milk<br />
• Powdered turmeric (or ginger)<br />
Method:<br />
• Choose either spinach, kale, or<br />
watercress, and add to a blender<br />
with the fruit, to sweeten.<br />
• For a boost of fats, add 1/2 an<br />
avocado, or ground flaxseeds,<br />
which provide a hit of omega 3.<br />
• Pour in 250ml dairy-free milk,<br />
or use water if you prefer. The<br />
more liquid you add the runnier<br />
it will be, so experiment with the<br />
consistency you like best.<br />
• Add a pinch of ginger, or<br />
powdered turmeric. Blend it all<br />
together and enjoy!<br />
62 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
THINGS TO TRY TODAY<br />
Sources of omega 3 oil,<br />
1 which can reduce levels of an<br />
inflammatory chemical and slow<br />
the growth of endometrial tissue.<br />
If you’re on a plant-based diet, I’d<br />
recommend flaxseed oil daily.<br />
One size does not fit all when it<br />
comes to living with endometriosis.<br />
Consult your GP for support<br />
Try supplementing iron, as<br />
2 low iron is common with<br />
heavy menses. You can get your<br />
blood iron levels tested, and then<br />
supplement accordingly.<br />
Increase your omega 6 intake –<br />
3 Gamma-Linolenic Acid (GLA).<br />
Starflower oil contains more GLA<br />
than some other options, and<br />
has therapeutic benefits to lower<br />
inflammation, balance hormones,<br />
and reduce pain.<br />
Magnesium capsules can<br />
4 help strengthen bones, relax<br />
muscles, and reduce pelvic pain<br />
and abdominal cramps. Vitamin<br />
D3 should also be supplemented.<br />
A good multivitamin will<br />
5 contain B vitamins, vitamin C,<br />
along with minerals such as zinc<br />
and calcium to keep your body<br />
healthy. My favourite is Cytoplan’s<br />
Wholefood multi.<br />
Portraits | billie.com<br />
There are also things you can<br />
implement in your lifestyle, such<br />
as trying a sitz bath, which is<br />
considered one of the natural<br />
remedies for endometriosis.<br />
A hot bath helps reduce pain<br />
and cramping by relaxing the<br />
muscles in your pelvic area, which<br />
can be aided further by adding<br />
magnesium salts, Epsom salts, or<br />
magnesium oil. You can also add<br />
eight to 10 drops of lavender or<br />
rosemary oil.<br />
Sonal is a nutritional therapist and director of Synergy Nutrition.<br />
She specialises in sports nutrition, hormonal imbalances, and<br />
vegan diets. To find out more, visit synergynutrition.co.uk<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 63
<strong>Happiful</strong> Hero<br />
Photography | Svetlana Pochatun<br />
Photography | Max Andrey<br />
64 • happiful • December 2018<br />
“<br />
If you are positive,<br />
you’ll see opportunities<br />
instead of obstacles<br />
– WIDAD AKRAWI
...and breathe<br />
Discover more<br />
about calming<br />
breathing techniques,<br />
and mindfulness for<br />
anxiety and stress at<br />
therapy-directory.org.uk<br />
Feeling stressed or<br />
anxious? Mindful breathing<br />
could be the answer<br />
We all experience<br />
stress and anxiety<br />
from time to<br />
time, yet for<br />
some, the feelings can seem<br />
overwhelming. If you find<br />
yourself stuck and unable<br />
to escape the cycle of stress<br />
and anxiety, there are simple<br />
tricks you can try to feel more<br />
connected and present in the<br />
moment.<br />
Therapy Directory member,<br />
Reiki master and energy healer,<br />
Julia Trickett, shares her advice.<br />
“Your body has its welldocumented<br />
fight or flight<br />
response. So how can you reduce<br />
stress? Pretending to blow up a<br />
balloon is one method. It helps<br />
to empty your lungs as breathing<br />
tends to get shallower when you<br />
are anxious.”<br />
Try<br />
Take a slow, deep breath in<br />
through your nose.<br />
Hold your breath for two or<br />
three seconds.<br />
Exhale slowly through your<br />
mouth.<br />
Pause for five seconds.<br />
Repeat.<br />
Therapy Directory is part of the <strong>Happiful</strong> Family | Helping you find the help you need
SUMMER<br />
READS<br />
Whether you’re jetting off to sunnier shores, or planning a short staycation,<br />
summer is the perfect time for a little reading and relaxation<br />
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford<br />
For a bookworm, I<br />
was never a fan of<br />
summer reading<br />
lists. Filled with<br />
dusty old books with<br />
heavy-handed morals, I always<br />
preferred exploring my local<br />
library to see what new hidden<br />
gems I could uncover.<br />
With more and more books,<br />
across a wider range of genres,<br />
being published than ever<br />
before, literally thousands of<br />
new titles are expected to hit the<br />
shelves and digital platforms this<br />
summer. We share nine of our<br />
most-anticipated reads to help<br />
you (and your loved ones) get in<br />
the mood, feel inspired, and to<br />
make this summer your hottest<br />
reading season yet.<br />
MOTIVATING YOUNG MINDS<br />
You Can Change the World!<br />
By Margaret Rooke (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, £12.99)<br />
In a world often caught up with<br />
celebs, shopping, and social<br />
media, best-selling author<br />
Margaret Rooke highlights the<br />
inspiring stories of 50 teens<br />
from around the world. Sharing<br />
their experiences as volunteers,<br />
campaigners, social entrepreneurs,<br />
and more, these teens have helped<br />
change and improve the lives of<br />
others. From upcycling clothes<br />
for the homeless, to founding<br />
football teams for children with<br />
disabilities, help teens discover the<br />
power they hold when they have a<br />
goal worth fighting for.<br />
66 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
GETTING BACK TO NATURE<br />
Go Wild: Find Freedom and Adventure in the Great Outdoors<br />
By Chris Naylor (Summersdale, £16.99)<br />
Our modern lives see us shut<br />
away inside, hunched over<br />
screens for hours on end. When<br />
was the last time you got outside<br />
and just spent time enjoying<br />
nature? It’s never too late to<br />
rediscover the joy of the great<br />
outdoors. Check out activities<br />
and ideas for adventures in<br />
forests, woodlands, mountains,<br />
by the seaside, and more. Find<br />
inspiration to help you escape the<br />
everyday pace, find adventure,<br />
and go wild.<br />
FANS OF BLACK MIRROR<br />
Heartstream<br />
By Tom Pollock (Walker Books, £7.99)<br />
Delve into the world of<br />
influencers, social media,<br />
and obsession. How much<br />
of ourselves should we be<br />
sharing online? Amy, an online<br />
influencer, has broadcast every<br />
moment of her mother’s terminal<br />
illness. With the Heartstream<br />
app, her followers are able to<br />
experience every emotion Amy<br />
goes through. But on the day<br />
of her mother’s funeral, Amy<br />
discovers a stranger rigged with<br />
explosives in her kitchen...<br />
LEARNING ABOUT DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES<br />
Camouflage: The Hidden Lives of Autistic Women<br />
By Dr Sarah Bargiela (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, £12.99)<br />
Camouflage is a graphic novel with<br />
a difference. Autistic women and<br />
girls are often misrepresented or<br />
overlooked. Thanks to Dr Sarah<br />
Bargiela, readers can gain a unique<br />
insight into the lives and different<br />
perspectives of these women.<br />
Using real-life case studies and<br />
charming illustrations, discover<br />
what everyday life can be like<br />
for women on the spectrum.<br />
From understanding metaphors<br />
and masking behaviours, to<br />
communication, social pressures,<br />
and managing relationships. A<br />
fantastic, easy-to-digest book for<br />
anyone hoping to understand<br />
how we can create a safer, more<br />
accommodating environment for<br />
women on the spectrum.<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 67
MISCHIEVOUS MIDDLE-GRADERS<br />
Cookie and the Most Annoying Boy in the World<br />
By Konnie Huq (Piccadilly Press, £10.99) Out 8 <strong>August</strong><br />
A quirky, geeky girl from a<br />
Bangladeshi family, Cookie feels<br />
like she never quite fits in. When<br />
her best friend moves away, Cookie<br />
sets her heart on getting a cute<br />
kitten to help fill the void. But the<br />
most annoying boy she’s ever met<br />
buys her dream kitten, and soon<br />
she discovers he’s not only in her<br />
year at school, but is moving in<br />
next door.<br />
Things aren’t all bad – if Cookie<br />
can just keep her cool, she may<br />
stand a chance of getting on her<br />
favourite TV show. All she has to<br />
do first is win her school science<br />
competition.<br />
Combining anarchic humour<br />
and a little sneaky STEM learning,<br />
Cookie and the Most Annoying Boy in<br />
the World is the latest must-read for<br />
kids aged eight to 12.<br />
Why Mummy Doesn’t Give A ****! is the perfect<br />
book to tide you through the long summer<br />
holidays while school is out<br />
A CHEEKY LAUGH AND LETTING OFF STEAM<br />
Why Mummy Doesn’t Give A ****!<br />
By Gill Sims (HarperCollins, £12.99)<br />
From the Sunday Times number<br />
one best-selling author Gill Sims,<br />
comes the latest laugh-out-loud<br />
novel for mums everywhere.<br />
Mummy (Ellen) wonders how<br />
many more ‘phases’ she’s going<br />
to have to deal with before her<br />
children become civilised,<br />
functioning members of society.<br />
Now teens, instead of pestering<br />
her about who would win in a fight<br />
– a dragon badger or a ninja horse<br />
– they spend hours Snapchatting,<br />
communicating in grunts, and<br />
stropping around their tiny cottage<br />
(when not demanding Ellen acts as<br />
their all-hours taxi service).<br />
The country life she’s been<br />
dreaming of isn’t turning out quite<br />
as planned, but at least they can all<br />
agree on one thing: Barry the rescue<br />
Wolfdog may be the ugliest dog in<br />
the world, but he’s also the loveliest.<br />
The third hilarious part in the<br />
parenting blogger, author and<br />
illustrator’s Why Mummy series, Why<br />
Mummy Doesn’t Give A ****! is the<br />
perfect book to tide you through the<br />
long summer holidays while school<br />
is out.
INSPIRING DISCUSSIONS<br />
After the End<br />
By Clare Mackintosh (Sphere, £12.99)<br />
A heart-breaking, page-turning<br />
novel from Sunday Times bestselling<br />
author Clare Mackintosh.<br />
Max and Pip are the strongest,<br />
most unshakable couple – until<br />
their son gets sick.<br />
As doctors put the question of his<br />
survival into their hands, for the<br />
first time, they can’t agree. Each<br />
wants a different future for<br />
their son. But what if they could<br />
have both?<br />
Explore love, marriage,<br />
parenthood, and the road not<br />
taken, in this unforgettable and<br />
emotional novel.<br />
DISCOVERING INNER PEACE<br />
The Little Book of Meditations<br />
By Gilly Pickup (Summersdale, £5.99)<br />
Have you ever wanted to try<br />
meditation, but weren’t sure<br />
where to start? Learn about the<br />
different types of meditation,<br />
discover how it can improve<br />
your sense of wellbeing, and get<br />
help to connect with the world<br />
around you. Offering guidance<br />
and practical advice, discover<br />
simple ways you can incorporate<br />
meditation into your daily routine<br />
to help reduce anxiety, increase<br />
positivity, and help you appreciate<br />
each moment.<br />
REFLECTION AND TRANQUILLITY<br />
Pause: 100 moments of calm<br />
By Summersdale (£6.99)<br />
It can be easy to get caught up<br />
in the fast pace and day-to-day<br />
stresses of life. Taking time out<br />
for yourself, and finding ways<br />
to press pause, can be vital in<br />
reintroducing moments of calm<br />
to your routine. Combining<br />
mindfulness techniques, self-care<br />
ideas, with simple ways you can<br />
relax, this pocket-sized guide helps<br />
you to find moments of peace,<br />
calm, and reflection.<br />
WIN!<br />
We're giving away three book bundles to keep you entertained this summer. For your chance to win, drop<br />
us an email at competitions@happiful.com by 18 <strong>August</strong>, with your answer to the following question:<br />
What is J.K. Rowling’s full first name? Good luck!<br />
Open to UK residents only.
Getting through<br />
separation and divorce<br />
If your marriage is on the rocks, there’s<br />
plenty of legal and financial advice<br />
out there. But the emotional impact of<br />
a split – the anger, sadness, grief,<br />
confusion, and loneliness – needs to<br />
be tackled, too<br />
Writing | Lindsay George
An estimated 42% of<br />
marriages in the UK<br />
now end in divorce,<br />
with about half of<br />
these expected to<br />
occur in the first 10<br />
years of marriage. Alongside this,<br />
around 62% of women initiate<br />
divorce – it's said that they notice<br />
the problems sooner. Yet men<br />
remarry more quickly, as they are<br />
usually confronted with greater<br />
emotional adjustment issues.<br />
That said, 31% of all second<br />
marriages will also fail.<br />
These are truly sobering<br />
statistics, yet divorce rates are<br />
slowing down, year on year. So<br />
why is this? Divorce is not only a<br />
financial stress but emotionally<br />
damaging, and not a decision<br />
taken lightly.<br />
While the legal and financial<br />
processes associated with<br />
divorce are not necessarily easy<br />
to navigate, thankfully there are<br />
systems in place to help guide you<br />
through each stage.<br />
In contrast, the emotional<br />
journey of separation and divorce<br />
is all too often neglected. The<br />
impact on your mental health and<br />
wellbeing can feel overwhelming,<br />
as you attempt to adjust and adapt<br />
to changes that you may feel you<br />
have little control over.<br />
PARTING WAYS<br />
Once the decision to separate<br />
has been made, often the impact<br />
ripples out further throughout<br />
the lives of those involved. The<br />
stresses and strains can be felt by<br />
family and friends, which may in<br />
turn create additional pressure<br />
on your day-to-day relationships.<br />
It comes as no surprise, then, to<br />
learn that divorce is listed as the<br />
second most stressful life event,<br />
after the death of a loved one.<br />
Much of my work as a<br />
psychotherapist and counsellor<br />
is spent helping clients work<br />
through emotional issues in<br />
their relationships. When a<br />
person finally makes the difficult<br />
decision to separate, or divorce<br />
a partner, I am often asked how<br />
long the actual process will take<br />
for them to recover. Statistics<br />
show that it can take up to two<br />
years to get over a divorce or<br />
separation. However, we are all<br />
different, so for some this can<br />
take considerably longer.<br />
The significant changes that<br />
take place in your life during this<br />
period can often feel chaotic,<br />
traumatic, and filled with<br />
contradictory<br />
emotions. The<br />
Giving yourself time<br />
and space to<br />
understand what<br />
went wrong is an<br />
important step<br />
towards recovery<br />
process can at<br />
times feel much<br />
harder to adjust<br />
to than initially<br />
imagined.<br />
Some days<br />
you may feel<br />
hopeful, and<br />
even relieved,<br />
to be out of it,<br />
especially if your marriage or<br />
relationship has been difficult for<br />
a long time. Other days you may<br />
feel angry, sad, lonely, confused<br />
or anxious. These are all normal<br />
emotions and it is especially<br />
important that you take extra care<br />
of yourself during this time.<br />
MOVING FORWARD<br />
Prioritising your own needs is<br />
vital, particularly if anyone is<br />
dependent on you. As difficult<br />
as this can be when you<br />
have so many overwhelming<br />
responsibilities, it is important<br />
to remind yourself that it will be<br />
harder to look after your children<br />
or pets, or other family members,<br />
if you don’t look after yourself to<br />
begin with.<br />
An important step towards<br />
recovery, will also be in giving<br />
yourself time and space to<br />
understand what went wrong, as<br />
is focusing on what you need to<br />
do to help you let go of the past.<br />
Looking forward to the future will<br />
help stop you feeling stuck, and<br />
more in control.<br />
That said, with the end of any<br />
relationship, it is natural that your<br />
self-esteem and self-confidence<br />
will feel at an all time low. When<br />
you experience hurt, it is normal<br />
to want to lash out and blame one<br />
another, which will cause more<br />
resentment and upset. It is all<br />
too easy to get<br />
trapped in a cycle<br />
of blame and<br />
fault-finding.<br />
However once<br />
you’ve agreed<br />
to separate, it<br />
might be more<br />
helpful to focus<br />
on what the<br />
relationship was<br />
lacking for both<br />
of you. While the answers may be<br />
upsetting, a better understanding<br />
of what these are will allow you<br />
both to move on.<br />
The following tips may help you<br />
to get through this difficult time,<br />
and face the future with more<br />
hope.<br />
1 Keep the lines of<br />
communication open<br />
Talking to your friends and<br />
family could help stop you from<br />
feeling isolated; it will also help<br />
to keep things in perspective. It<br />
is natural to feel that you are the<br />
only one with problems and that<br />
you are burdening others with<br />
yours. >>>
Learning to reach out and share<br />
your heartaches and worries<br />
will not only help you feel more<br />
supported, but will allow them to<br />
feel more connected and closer to<br />
you during this difficult time.<br />
2 Let yourself grieve<br />
It is normal to feel shock and<br />
disbelief when your relationship<br />
comes to an end. Endings can<br />
evoke a sense of loss in the life<br />
that we once knew, and the life<br />
we hoped for. The process of grief<br />
will play out differently for each<br />
of us and is said to have several<br />
stages. These include denial,<br />
anger, bargaining, depression,<br />
and finally acceptance. While you<br />
may enter each of these stages<br />
at any given time, it is important<br />
to remind yourself that these<br />
are neither neat nor linear. You<br />
may require some help to work<br />
through any one of these stages if<br />
you feel you are getting stuck.<br />
3 Dealing with anger<br />
Anger is often the stage that many<br />
people get stuck at. Holding on<br />
to your anger not only slows<br />
down your ability to move on, but<br />
retains an emotional connection<br />
with your ex. It may be useful<br />
to recognise that anger is an<br />
externalised version of sadness.<br />
Learning to let go and making<br />
time to de-stress will benefit not<br />
only you, but also those around<br />
you. Learning to relax is essential<br />
in helping you maintain your<br />
health and wellbeing.<br />
4 Feeling more in control<br />
You may feel demoralised and<br />
start to lack confidence. Setting<br />
yourself small, achievable goals<br />
will not only boost your selfesteem,<br />
but will help you feel<br />
more in charge and self-reliant.<br />
Completing even minor tasks can<br />
feel like huge wins, which will help<br />
you overcome self-doubt and give<br />
you a sense of moving forward.<br />
5 Healthy body, healthy mind<br />
While it is tempting to reach for<br />
high fat, high sugar, comfort<br />
foods, unfortunately they won’t<br />
provide you with the nourishment<br />
that you need to manage<br />
additional stress.<br />
I bet you didn’t know that 50% of<br />
dopamine and 90% of serotonin<br />
– those neuro-transmitting feel<br />
good chemicals – are actually<br />
produced in your gut! Therefore<br />
eating foods that are high in<br />
omega 3, such as oily fish, nuts<br />
and seeds, adding a variety of<br />
fresh fruit and vegetables to<br />
your diet, alongside a probiotic<br />
drink or yogurt four to five times<br />
per week, will not only promote<br />
better gut health, but will make<br />
you feel better, too.<br />
Setting yourself<br />
small, achievable<br />
goals will not only<br />
boost your selfesteem,<br />
but will<br />
help you feel<br />
more in charge<br />
and self-reliant<br />
Exercise also produces<br />
endorphins that make you feel<br />
good about yourself and will<br />
improve your resilience levels,<br />
which in turn help you to manage<br />
stress.<br />
6 Professional help<br />
The process of divorce and<br />
separation can often make you<br />
feel trapped, as daily life may feel<br />
like it’s getting harder. Talking<br />
to a professional counsellor<br />
will help provide you with the<br />
necessary support to work<br />
through and understand your<br />
feelings, so that you will be able<br />
to manage situations with a better<br />
sense of self-awareness and<br />
control.<br />
Whether you’ve chosen, or<br />
perhaps feel forced, to make<br />
this huge change in your life, the<br />
process is never easy. Looking<br />
after yourself and getting the right<br />
support will help you get your life<br />
back together again so that you<br />
can move forward with a clearer<br />
sense of direction and a chance to<br />
find happiness and a fresh start in<br />
the future.<br />
Lindsay George is an integrative<br />
counsellor and trained nurse, who<br />
works with adults, couples, families,<br />
and young people. She specialises in<br />
areas including depression, eating<br />
disorders, and relationships. Visit<br />
lindsaygeorge.co.uk<br />
72 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
REALTALK<br />
Life coach and broadcaster Anna Williamson shares the life lessons and perspectives on<br />
love, friendship, and being a bit silly from time to time, that help keep her on track<br />
Writing | Lucy Donoughue<br />
Multi-faceted’ ‘<br />
is a<br />
descriptor that<br />
seems to have<br />
been created for<br />
Anna Williamson;<br />
she is a woman<br />
of many talents – and many,<br />
many jobs. She’s a mind coach,<br />
podcaster, TV presenter, radio<br />
show host, author, columnist, and<br />
the list goes on... Alongside this,<br />
she’s an ambassador for Mind, The<br />
Prince’s Trust, and Childline, and<br />
is incredibly devoted to raising<br />
awareness of mental health.<br />
Anna speaks candidly about<br />
the mental illness she has faced<br />
herself, including crippling<br />
anxiety disorder earlier in her<br />
TV career. She’s also shared her<br />
experiences around the arrival of<br />
her son Enzo, explaining how the<br />
trauma of his birth, and the postnatal<br />
depression that followed,<br />
impacted her, and her relationship<br />
with her partner.<br />
Her open book approach to<br />
life’s events and the working<br />
of our minds, without a hint of<br />
airbrushing, is a breath of fresh air<br />
in the entertainment industry.<br />
Right now, Anna is putting this<br />
talent for straight-talking to great<br />
use. She’s in the middle of filming<br />
a new series of E4’s Celebs Go<br />
Dating (her second so far), and<br />
continues to produce the twiceweekly<br />
frank, funny, and very<br />
often naughty, ‘Loose Lips’ podcast<br />
with Luisa Zissman – and she’s<br />
feeling grateful about both projects<br />
for very different reasons.<br />
“Working on Celebs Go Dating<br />
really is my dream job,” she says<br />
enthusiastically. “I’m working<br />
with people who want to make<br />
changes; they aspire to love or<br />
a relationship, and they want<br />
to work on themselves. From a<br />
personal and psychological point<br />
of view, that’s really interesting.”<br />
Working with her colleague, Paul<br />
Brunswick, Anna helps to guide<br />
the celebrities through a new<br />
approach to dating, and she insists<br />
that the process has given her<br />
much to think about too. >>><br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 73
people. What we love about the<br />
podcast is that it shows that it’s OK<br />
to disagree; you can stay friends,<br />
you don’t have to segregate<br />
yourself, or shun people because<br />
you don’t both think the same way.<br />
“There’s loads of stuff Luisa<br />
says that I don’t agree with, and<br />
she talks about me ‘banging on<br />
about mental health’ – a subject I<br />
think she struggles to get her head<br />
around. But we respect each other<br />
enough to agree to disagree, and at<br />
the end of it have a good old laugh<br />
– and that’s what its about.”<br />
Embracing this playful side is<br />
important to Anna. “I think in this<br />
day and age we lose sight of the<br />
Photography | Ruth Rose<br />
It’s taught me that<br />
everyone deserves<br />
love. And if people<br />
are willing to be<br />
open and show their<br />
vulnerable side,<br />
they feel better, and<br />
become happier<br />
individuals too<br />
“It’s taught me that everyone<br />
deserves love,” she explains. “And<br />
if people are willing to be open<br />
and show their vulnerable side,<br />
they feel better, and become<br />
happier individuals too. And it’s<br />
going to be another really eventful<br />
series,” she teases.<br />
And as for ‘Loose Lips’, what does<br />
that bring her?<br />
“Recording ‘Loose Lips’ is a huge<br />
release!” she says laughing.<br />
Anna and co-host Luisa Zissman<br />
met when Anna was the ‘psych’<br />
expert on Big Brother’s Bit On The<br />
Side, and have been firm friends<br />
ever since. Their friendship is<br />
one of the factors that makes the<br />
podcast such a huge hit; it comes<br />
through so clearly in their chat.<br />
“We’re just two girls, having<br />
a good natter and a catch up,<br />
taking the mick out of each other,”<br />
Anna explains when asked about<br />
their pod’s appeal. “It’s no-holdsbarred,<br />
and we speak openly and<br />
honestly.”<br />
It’s not always sweetness and<br />
light though – and that’s OK by<br />
Anna too. “We’re very different<br />
benefit of being a bit silly; we’re all<br />
too consumed with trying to look<br />
good on Instagram, and filtering<br />
the cr*p out of ourselves.”<br />
Whatever platform she’s on,<br />
Anna commits to being her<br />
authentic self – and this is what<br />
makes her so successful. She<br />
has a brilliant ability to inject a<br />
large dollop of reality into every<br />
conversation she’s part of, along<br />
with a lot of belly laughs.<br />
Being real is a value that Anna<br />
holds dear, and one acquired from<br />
personal experience. “I’ve been<br />
74 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
through some hard stuff,’ she says<br />
plainly. “I’ve suffered with really<br />
bad mental health, and life has<br />
thrown some really challenging<br />
times at me – as it has with a lot of<br />
people.”<br />
“I’ve learned through these<br />
experiences – in therapy and then<br />
through professional training<br />
– that being authentic and true<br />
to yourself is actually the key to<br />
wellness and happiness.<br />
“So many of us feel we have to<br />
fit into a mould, people-please,<br />
or be something that we’re not<br />
sometimes, and I learned the hard<br />
way that I am who I am, and I<br />
don’t need to pretend I’m anyone<br />
I’m not.”<br />
So, in addition to keeping it real,<br />
how does Anna keep it all going?<br />
From the outside, she seems to be<br />
spinning a lot of plates...<br />
“There is a certain amount of<br />
juggling that goes on – but also,<br />
becoming a parent gives you so<br />
much perspective. You realise that<br />
you’re keeping a little person alive,<br />
and that their needs are more<br />
important than anything else.<br />
“I’ve become really disciplined<br />
since becoming a mum,” she adds.<br />
“Whereas before I could burn the<br />
candle at both ends, say yes to<br />
things that perhaps I shouldn’t, and<br />
I was teetering on people-pleasing.<br />
“All of that has gone, because I<br />
have a little boy who needs to go to<br />
bed at 7pm, or be picked up from<br />
nursery – so it’s really important<br />
for me to have a disciplined<br />
routine day-to-day.”<br />
However, Anna is aware that to<br />
stay well and mentally healthy,<br />
she also needs to make time<br />
for herself. “I plan ‘days of no<br />
obligation’,” she explains. “They<br />
are quite few and far between, but<br />
they are for me to do whatever I<br />
want to; whether that’s watching<br />
a box set, seeing a friend, or<br />
going for a massage. I treat those<br />
days like they are a doctor’s<br />
appointment, because they’re<br />
essential for my health.”<br />
Anna is also emphatic about the<br />
need to keep learning, and she<br />
continues to be deeply interested<br />
in mental health, psychology,<br />
and learning more about human<br />
interactions. She reads widely, and<br />
tunes into other people’s thinking<br />
on these subjects, as part of her<br />
own professional and personal<br />
development.<br />
Anna has therapy, too – in the<br />
form of supervision for her career<br />
and for herself, and she continues<br />
to be an advocate for the positive<br />
impact counselling and coaching<br />
can have.<br />
“I really feel that everyone should<br />
have someone to offload to, and<br />
therapy is such an important<br />
and cathartic thing to do,” she<br />
shares. “I would say to anyone<br />
reading this, please don’t wait until<br />
something is wrong.<br />
“To have someone, a counsellor<br />
or coach, to sit down and talk<br />
to, especially if you’re busy and<br />
you wear a lot of hats – parent<br />
hat, work hat, relationship hat<br />
– having someone that you can<br />
work everything through with,<br />
and prioritise your own happiness<br />
and wellbeing in that time, is<br />
extremely beneficial.”<br />
She pauses. “As well as carving<br />
out that bit of time for yourself<br />
and having a good old gossip<br />
with a girlfriend,” she laughs.<br />
“The power of that should not be<br />
underestimated.”<br />
Anna Willamson is a mind coach,<br />
TV presenter, podcast host, author,<br />
and a celebrity dating agent on E4’s<br />
‘Celebs Go Dating’. Follow Anna on<br />
Instagram @annawilliamsonofficial<br />
To find a therapist or life coach near<br />
you, visit counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
or lifecoach-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 75
6 ways to help<br />
your relationship<br />
thrive through illness<br />
The language of love is never simple, but for those with long-term illnesses there<br />
can be even more aspects to decipher. Love's labour's are not lost, though – with<br />
these tips you'll soon be fluent, and communication can flourish<br />
Writing | Anna Gaunt<br />
All relationships come<br />
with challenges, and<br />
some we can all relate<br />
to – the debate over<br />
who’s cooking dinner,<br />
taking the bins out, and who left<br />
their towel on the bathroom floor.<br />
But illness can bring with it a whole<br />
host of other relationship tests.<br />
With more than 15 million<br />
of us living with a long-term<br />
health condition in the UK, it<br />
can add another element to your<br />
relationship. From mental illnesses<br />
such as depression and anxiety, to<br />
physical illnesses such as arthritis,<br />
for those who are diagnosed, it can<br />
be scary and unsettling.<br />
Some might be afraid of how their<br />
partner will respond, and support<br />
them. It can also be difficult for the<br />
partner, who might not know how<br />
best to help.<br />
But while there may be tricky<br />
things to navigate, like any<br />
relationship, it can still thrive with<br />
a bit of attention and care.<br />
If you are worried about how your<br />
long-term health condition might<br />
affect your relationship, here are<br />
some ideas to help it thrive.<br />
1 COMMUNICATE WITH<br />
EACH OTHER<br />
It might sound obvious and key<br />
to all relationships, but honest<br />
communication is vital when you<br />
or your partner are struggling<br />
with an illness. Both physical<br />
and mental illnesses can be<br />
complex for somebody who isn’t<br />
experiencing them to understand.<br />
It can also be easy to make<br />
assumptions about how the other<br />
person is feeling. For instance, if<br />
you’re unable to do your share of<br />
the housework due to illness, you<br />
may assume that your partner is<br />
annoyed about it. If your partner<br />
is not talking to you because they<br />
are busy with the housework,<br />
they may accidentally portray<br />
that they are annoyed. Make time<br />
to honestly communicate how<br />
you are both feeling to help avoid<br />
misunderstandings.<br />
2 EMPATHISE WITH EACH OTHER<br />
Receiving a diagnosis of a longterm<br />
health condition can be really<br />
hard. From feeling ill and being<br />
in pain, to feeling overwhelmed<br />
by appointments and treatments,<br />
and guilty for being unable to<br />
do the things that you used to.<br />
It is important that a partner<br />
recognises how difficult it can be<br />
to have an illness. However, it is<br />
also important to acknowledge<br />
how difficult it can be for a partner.<br />
Seeing their loved one suffering<br />
and being unable to help, while<br />
taking on the mammoth load of life<br />
errands for the both of you, can be<br />
hard, too. Trying to see things from<br />
one another’s perspective can help<br />
you to understand and support<br />
each other.<br />
3 ALLOW YOURSELF TO<br />
RECEIVE SUPPORT<br />
As somebody with a long-term<br />
health condition, it can be difficult<br />
to accept support. You don’t want<br />
to lose your independence or be<br />
seen as weak. You don’t want to<br />
admit defeat. But pushing yourself<br />
beyond your limits, because you’re<br />
too proud to accept help, can be<br />
damaging to your health. Refusing<br />
your partner’s care and support<br />
can also make them feel helpless.<br />
They may not be able to cure you,<br />
but they can cook your dinner!
4 FIND JOY IN THE<br />
LITTLE THINGS<br />
Spending quality time together<br />
is important, but if illness is<br />
preventing you from going on<br />
dates, don’t fret. Joy can be found<br />
in the little things, like laughing<br />
about that time you fell over in<br />
You will see that<br />
you’re deserving of<br />
love. You’re more<br />
than just a person<br />
with an illness<br />
Tesco, making bubble beards in the<br />
bath, or reading together. Having<br />
someone to do nothing with can be<br />
better than having someone to do<br />
‘something’ with.<br />
5 DREAM TOGETHER<br />
A lot of long-term health<br />
conditions fluctuate with periods of<br />
heightened symptoms, followed by<br />
periods of remission. When your<br />
illness is kicking you down, dream<br />
of what you’ll do when you’re<br />
feeling better. It can be<br />
as simple as making<br />
pancakes at the<br />
weekend, or as<br />
wild as<br />
imagining yourselves on a private<br />
jet to the Maldives. Dreaming can<br />
be the escapism you need when<br />
struggling with the daily realities of<br />
an illness.<br />
6 LOVE YOURSELF FIRST<br />
It’s a cliché that you can’t love<br />
anybody else until you love<br />
yourself, but self-love can help<br />
your relationship to thrive.<br />
Illnesses can contribute to a<br />
lack of confidence for numerous<br />
reasons, including side-effects<br />
of medication. But if you<br />
love yourself, you’ll see<br />
why your partner loves<br />
you, and be less likely<br />
to question why<br />
they would choose<br />
the challenges your<br />
illness can bring.<br />
You will see that<br />
you’re deserving of<br />
love. You’re more than<br />
just a person with an<br />
illness.
You deserve support.<br />
You deserve a moment<br />
of peace in your mind
Breaking free<br />
from my obsessive<br />
compulsive<br />
thoughts<br />
The reality of living with OCD isn’t<br />
a penchant for tidiness and order,<br />
it’s a debilitating condition where<br />
intrusive thoughts can terrorise<br />
your daily world<br />
Writing | Suz Yasemin Selçuk<br />
If you’ve ever suffered with<br />
obsessive compulsive disorder<br />
(OCD) and intrusive thoughts,<br />
chances are you’ve come across<br />
someone who has falsely<br />
diagnosed themselves with it. Not in a<br />
health anxiety way; someone who is ‘so<br />
OCD’ because they like a clean house, or<br />
are super-organised. But that’s where it<br />
ends. Somebody who’s decided it’s a fun<br />
word to describe someone’s silly, slightly<br />
annoying personality traits.<br />
When you live with OCD (and I say<br />
‘live’ because it never leaves you, like an<br />
uninvited, overpowering housemate,<br />
who doesn’t pay rent), you understand it<br />
isn’t a passing thought, or feeling. It’s a<br />
constant intruder in your mind, affecting<br />
your day from the moment you wake, to<br />
the minute you close your eyes at night. >>>
Suz [right] and her cousin<br />
Serra as children<br />
“My friend Dee helped me out<br />
of a really dark place”<br />
I’ve struggled with OCD<br />
since I was eight, and<br />
launched my blog in late<br />
2017 to raise awareness.<br />
There’s something about<br />
OCD that makes it seem<br />
more taboo than some<br />
other mental illnesses. For<br />
me, it’s because amongst<br />
everything else going on<br />
in my mind, this is the<br />
thing that makes me feel<br />
the most crazy.<br />
With OCD, we<br />
experience intrusive<br />
and mainly irrational<br />
thoughts. A lot of the<br />
time, we know they are<br />
irrational. But they still<br />
terrify us and consume us.<br />
According to studies, it<br />
takes most sufferers 18<br />
years to seek help. This hit<br />
home for me, as from the<br />
age of eight until I was 21,<br />
I stayed silent.<br />
My experience started<br />
in 1998 after a semitraumatic<br />
event at school<br />
– I wasn’t in immediate<br />
danger, but it deeply<br />
affected me and how ‘safe’<br />
I saw the world.<br />
I developed a fear of<br />
breaking things, and was<br />
plagued with thoughts<br />
that I was going to upset<br />
someone I loved. I would<br />
touch a door and panic<br />
that I had scratched it.<br />
I’d build up the worry<br />
inside until I broke<br />
down, distraught and<br />
inconsolable.<br />
This first stage of OCD<br />
lasted a couple of months,<br />
and then manifested into<br />
different things over the<br />
next 10 years. OCD has a<br />
way of strengthening its<br />
power the longer you are<br />
silent. Like a monster, it<br />
changes form so that it can<br />
rear its ugly head when<br />
you least expect it.<br />
When I was nine, my<br />
obsessive compulsive<br />
thoughts shifted into<br />
fears that something bad<br />
was going to happen to<br />
someone I loved. The<br />
ironic thing about OCD is<br />
that it brings your worst<br />
fears to the surface, in the<br />
format that you want them<br />
to happen. Many intrusive<br />
thoughts appear as ‘-insert<br />
name- is going to die’.<br />
So, guess what your next<br />
thought is? ‘You thought it,<br />
so now if it does happen,<br />
it’s your fault.’<br />
When I had intrusive<br />
thoughts, I’d have to<br />
perform an ‘action’ to<br />
protect the person. I’d<br />
touch the wall a certain<br />
number of times, or say a<br />
sentence in my head for 10<br />
minutes. Before bed, I had<br />
a ritual – recite the names<br />
of every person I cared<br />
about. If I missed anyone,<br />
I’d have to start again, in<br />
case something horrible<br />
happened to them.<br />
Over the years, obsessive<br />
compulsive thoughts<br />
manifested into phobias<br />
and health anxiety.<br />
When I started college<br />
in 2007, my health anxiety<br />
triggers ranged from using<br />
a new beauty product<br />
and panicking about a<br />
fatal reaction, to having<br />
an undiagnosed (usually<br />
terminal) illness. The<br />
panic attacks took over<br />
my life – the feeling of<br />
my throat closing up and<br />
not being able to breathe<br />
made me too scared to<br />
sleep in case I never woke<br />
up again.<br />
At uni, I even developed<br />
a toilet anxiety where I<br />
couldn’t go anywhere I<br />
hadn’t been before in case<br />
there wasn’t a loo. This<br />
added to the feelings of<br />
shame, making it harder<br />
to ask for help. I just<br />
couldn’t do normal things<br />
people my age were doing.<br />
After I finished university<br />
in 2012, the rituals, and<br />
constant state of panic<br />
had gotten too much to<br />
bear. I isolated myself out<br />
80 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
For anyone struggling,<br />
remember OCD thrives on your<br />
silence. It forces you to feel guilt,<br />
shame and embarrassment<br />
about what’s going on<br />
Suz blogs to raise awareness of OCD at crazycreativecool.com<br />
of fear that something<br />
bad would happen while<br />
outside. But even at home,<br />
I would panic and end up<br />
hysterical if someone was<br />
late coming home.<br />
I never really talked<br />
to anyone about it, and<br />
my mind desperately<br />
needed an outlet.<br />
In 2014, I developed<br />
dermatillomania – a<br />
form of self-harm which<br />
involves the ritual of<br />
picking at your skin to<br />
generate feelings of relief<br />
from anxiety.<br />
The skin picking gave<br />
me another excuse not to<br />
leave the house, because I<br />
felt so disgusted in myself.<br />
My self-esteem was so low,<br />
I couldn’t find the joy in<br />
anything. I was convinced<br />
this was all my life would<br />
be, and then began to not<br />
feel anything.<br />
After reading an<br />
article on depression,<br />
I understood what the<br />
numbness meant. I’d spent<br />
years feeling trapped by<br />
my mind, but I suddenly<br />
had a stronger thought. I<br />
deserved to get better.<br />
In 2016, I found a<br />
therapist I connected<br />
with, started cognitive<br />
behavioural therapy (CBT)<br />
and began to feel hopeful.<br />
We practised exposure<br />
exercises, and I would be<br />
in tears, convinced there<br />
was no way I could do<br />
it. Each session I came<br />
back with news of my<br />
accomplishments – baby<br />
steps in battling my<br />
intrusive thoughts.<br />
Counselling genuinely<br />
changed my life. It helped<br />
me to be aware of my<br />
thoughts and not let them<br />
define or control me.<br />
For anyone struggling,<br />
remember OCD thrives<br />
on your silence. It forces<br />
you to feel guilt, shame<br />
and embarrassment about<br />
what’s going on. It controls<br />
and isolates you. I was<br />
constantly searching for<br />
someone else who was<br />
going through something<br />
similar. I didn’t find<br />
anyone for years – so<br />
many of us feel isolated<br />
OUR EXPERT SAYS<br />
For Suz, her OCD made the world around her feel<br />
unsafe and anxious. Ultimately, anxiety and self-harm<br />
overwhelmed her and she withdrew from life. Like many<br />
people, it took her years to ask for help, but in starting<br />
therapy, taking the difficult road did she began to release<br />
her from the grip of her obsessive compulsive<br />
thoughts. Through therapy, and learning not to<br />
be silenced by her experiences, Suz was able to<br />
reclaim her life.<br />
Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP<br />
Reg Ind counsellor<br />
with OCD, and the irony is<br />
just that: so many of us.<br />
The most important<br />
thing to destroy the power<br />
OCD was holding over me<br />
was talking to someone.<br />
Help and support is out<br />
there, but you have to<br />
believe you are worthy<br />
of reaching out for it.<br />
You deserve support.<br />
You deserve a moment of<br />
peace in your mind.<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 81
Is mental health on your company agenda?<br />
We believe mental health first aid training should be given equal importance to physical<br />
first aid training in every workplace. If you would like to become a mental health first aider<br />
at work, <strong>Happiful</strong> can train you, and we've created this email template to help you explain<br />
the benefits to your boss<br />
Dear ,<br />
I'd like to become a mental health first aider for<br />
and I'm hoping you can help.<br />
Here are some of the reasons why <br />
will benefit from offering Mental Health First Aid training to our<br />
employees:<br />
1. Build staff confidence to have open conversations around mental<br />
health and break the stigma in the office and in society.<br />
2. Encourage people to access early support when needed. Early<br />
intervention means faster recovery.<br />
3. Empower people with a long term mental health issue or disability to<br />
thrive in work, and ensure that we are compliant with legislation in<br />
the Equality Act 2010.<br />
4. Promote a mentally healthy environment, and allow people to thrive<br />
and become more productive.<br />
5. Embed a long-term, positive culture across the whole organisation,<br />
where our employees recognise their mental and physical health are<br />
supported as equal parts of the whole person.<br />
6. Proudly share that mental health is on our company agenda and<br />
improve retention as a result of a reduction in staff stress levels.<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> offers two-day mental health first aid training courses for<br />
individuals across the country for £235 + VAT per person, and they<br />
can also offer bespoke courses on-site at our workplace if we have a<br />
minimum of eight attendees.<br />
Yours sincerely,<br />
<br />
Did you know that stress,<br />
anxiety, and depression<br />
are the biggest causes of<br />
sickness absence in our<br />
society?<br />
Mental ill-health is<br />
currently responsible for<br />
91 million working days<br />
lost each year. The cost<br />
to UK employers is £34.9<br />
billion each year.*<br />
<strong>Happiful</strong> has partnered<br />
with Simpila Healthy<br />
Solutions to offer<br />
internationally recognised<br />
courses and training<br />
events in the UK.<br />
Each course is delivered<br />
by an accredited Mental<br />
Health First Aid England<br />
instructor and is delivered<br />
in a safe, evidence-based<br />
programme.<br />
Proudly working with<br />
*Source: MHFA England<br />
SIMPILA<br />
Healthy Solutions<br />
To register your company’s interest or to book an<br />
individual place, visit training.happiful.com or<br />
drop us an email at training@happiful.com
Hospice Biographers:<br />
Keeping the<br />
story alive<br />
In the depths of grief, and in the years that follow the<br />
death of a loved one, a familiar voice can offer the world<br />
of comfort. Hospice Biographers is the charity that<br />
grants terminally ill patients the chance to have their life<br />
stories professionally recorded. But the benefits of their<br />
work expand far and wide...<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
When someone<br />
we love<br />
passes away,<br />
a million<br />
things may<br />
be running through our minds<br />
as we try to come to terms with<br />
the hole they left in our lives.<br />
But what if you could tune in<br />
to hear your loved one’s voice<br />
telling their story in their own<br />
words, and guiding you through<br />
their legacy?<br />
Barbara Altounyan was in her<br />
late 20s, and about to become<br />
a reporter for the BBC, when<br />
her family got the news that her<br />
dad didn’t have long left to live.<br />
Instinctively, Barbara borrowed<br />
a tape recorder, and set about<br />
recording her dad’s life story as<br />
a way to preserve his memory<br />
and celebrate his life.<br />
Sadly, Barbara’s dad passed<br />
away just a few weeks after they<br />
finished, but the experience<br />
inspired her to volunteer as an<br />
audio biographer at a nearby<br />
hospice. From here, she went on<br />
to found Hospice Biographers:<br />
the charity that records people’s<br />
life stories as they enter its final<br />
chapter.<br />
They want to<br />
feel that, after<br />
they die, they<br />
have something<br />
permanent for those<br />
that they know<br />
BUILDING A LEGACY<br />
Each year, hospices around the<br />
UK support more than 200,000<br />
people with terminal or lifelimiting<br />
illnesses. For those<br />
who approach the Hospice<br />
Biographers, there is comfort<br />
and purpose to be found in the<br />
offer of a recording session.<br />
“They’re looking for a number<br />
of things,” Barbara says. “It may >>>
e catharsis; they’re looking for a<br />
way of expelling their frustrations.<br />
Or they’re looking for a way that<br />
they can put past events straight.<br />
“The most important one,<br />
though, is legacy,” she explains.<br />
“They want to feel that, after<br />
they die, they have something<br />
permanent for those that they<br />
know.”<br />
Many of us will be able to relate<br />
to the power of the stories that are<br />
passed down through generations,<br />
from grandparents, parents, and<br />
elders in our communities. Those<br />
stories simultaneously help us<br />
build a portrait of their lives –<br />
something we can celebrate and<br />
honour – and preserve their<br />
memory and spirit through the<br />
lessons they teach us, and the<br />
visions that we may share.<br />
And there’s an important<br />
reason why Hospice Biographers<br />
record audio only, with Barbara<br />
explaining that the format<br />
empowers people to tell their<br />
stories in their own voice, allowing<br />
them to be judged – not by their<br />
appearance or their ability to write<br />
a story – but as a person, and a<br />
human being.<br />
CAPTURING CHARACTERS<br />
Of course, for the family and<br />
friends of those who have<br />
recorded their stories with<br />
Hospice Biographers, the gift of<br />
those recordings is priceless.<br />
“I’ve been chased down<br />
corridors,” says Barbara. “People<br />
come barging into my little<br />
makeshift audio studio at my<br />
hospice, and give me these huge<br />
bear hugs. They burst into tears.<br />
Oh gosh, they love it.”<br />
When she reflects on the people<br />
she has worked with over the<br />
years, there’s one woman in<br />
particular who stands out in<br />
Barbara’s memory.<br />
Suzanne Wallace was<br />
a superintendent in the<br />
Metropolitan Police before she<br />
was diagnosed with terminal<br />
breast cancer. She turned to<br />
Hospice Biographers to record her<br />
story of a life lived to its fullest.<br />
But Barbara’s role in Suzanne’s<br />
story didn’t end when the audio<br />
stopped recording. Before she<br />
died, Suzanne and her family<br />
asked Barbara to give a eulogy at<br />
her funeral.<br />
In a packed church of more than<br />
300 people, Barbara guided the<br />
congregation through Suzanne’s<br />
incredible life, using clips from<br />
the recordings they had done<br />
together.<br />
“People cried and people laughed<br />
because there was so much of<br />
Suzanne’s character,” Barbara<br />
reflects. “They laughed because it<br />
was so her.”<br />
84 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
I’ve been a journalist forever, and I’ve seen<br />
all sorts of wars – and God knows what – in<br />
the world, but entering into a hospice, as I<br />
did for the first time, was a hell of a shock<br />
Find out more about Hospice<br />
Biographers by visiting<br />
thehospicebiographers.com<br />
For Barbara and all those<br />
involved in Hospice Biographers,<br />
these are the moments that they’re<br />
working towards; they’re found in<br />
the quirks of character that can<br />
become buried under the burden<br />
of terminal illness, but that are<br />
brought back to life through the<br />
recordings.<br />
THE ART OF STORYTELLING<br />
But moments like this couldn’t<br />
be captured without the skill<br />
and sensitivity of the people<br />
who volunteer for Hospice<br />
Biographers, and it isn’t an easy<br />
thing to do. Volunteers have to<br />
resolve themselves to the gravity<br />
of what they are doing, and – as<br />
Barbara explains – be comfortable<br />
working in a unique environment.<br />
“I’ve been a journalist forever,<br />
and I’ve seen all sorts of wars<br />
– and God knows what – in the<br />
world, but entering into a hospice<br />
for the first time was a hell of<br />
a shock,” says Barbara. “The<br />
sensibilities, rules, and regulations<br />
are just very, very different.”<br />
In anticipation of this, Hospice<br />
Biographers pass on a job<br />
description to hospices, which<br />
is then shared among those<br />
already volunteering there, and<br />
all candidates are required to take<br />
part in a two-day training course<br />
prior to starting the interviews.<br />
“We do things on the art<br />
of listening, chronological<br />
interviewing techniques, use of<br />
audio equipment, downloading<br />
on USB, and safeguarding,”<br />
Barbara explains. “It can be quite<br />
emotionally draining; it’s very<br />
challenging.”<br />
Together, the volunteers and the<br />
people they are working with craft<br />
a recording that will be treasured<br />
for generations to come.<br />
But Barbara doesn’t want to stop<br />
at hospices. Identifying that there<br />
are those on the fringes of society<br />
who miss out on hospice care,<br />
she plans to expand the service to<br />
include people in prisons, those<br />
who are homeless, and people<br />
in the travelling community. The<br />
vision being to offer everyone in<br />
our society the same opportunity<br />
to build a legacy.<br />
Reflecting on this choice,<br />
Barbara’s reasoning is simple: “We<br />
just think it’s the right thing to do.”<br />
THE FINAL CHAPTERS<br />
In the end, our lives become<br />
a series of stories, broken into<br />
chapters as we grow. From the<br />
school stories that remind us of<br />
our budding hopes and dreams,<br />
through the thrilling highs of<br />
adulthood – and the quiet lulls too<br />
– each experience makes us who<br />
we are, and who we are touches<br />
the people around us in ways that<br />
trickle down the generations.<br />
What Barbara and everyone else<br />
involved in the charity are doing<br />
with Hospice Biographers is giving<br />
us the chance to capture these<br />
stories in a physical way, to hold<br />
on to the voices and the memories<br />
of the people that we love, and to<br />
keep them alive in a way that only<br />
storytelling can do.<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 85
Walk on the wild side<br />
After years battling drink and drug addiction, walking saved<br />
Jonathan Hoban’s life. Here the psychotherapist and former<br />
musician explains how nature can help us find answers to our<br />
problems – and true happiness. The great outdoors, indeed…<br />
Writing | Gemma Calvert
‘In nature, we find the silence to hear<br />
our true thoughts and, in doing so,<br />
start to consider ourselves again’<br />
“ Look deep into<br />
nature, and then<br />
you will understand<br />
everything better.”<br />
From Albert Einstein’s<br />
words of wisdom, to Buddha<br />
urging his disciples to meditate in<br />
the jungle to reach a higher state<br />
of consciousness, the restorative<br />
effects of nature have long been<br />
understood.<br />
For centuries, millions have<br />
reaped physical and emotional<br />
rewards from being in the great<br />
outdoors – including former<br />
rock musician turned therapist<br />
Jonathan Hoban, who says being<br />
outside “guided and nurtured” him<br />
through recovery from substance<br />
abuse and grief.<br />
Since retraining in<br />
psychotherapy 20 years ago,<br />
Jonathan has devised Walking<br />
Therapy, which merges walking<br />
in nature with counselling. Be<br />
it strolling along a meandering<br />
riverbank, power walking through<br />
a dense pine forest, or sitting<br />
quietly in a postage stamp patch<br />
of parkland, he swears by the<br />
emotional healing power of<br />
outside spaces.<br />
“It’s not only about that low<br />
aerobic exercise, but when we<br />
walk in nature, our brain releases<br />
oxytocin, which is very meditative.<br />
And putting time for a walk in the<br />
diary – making time for yourself –<br />
is important because when we’re<br />
busy, we never make time for<br />
ourselves,” explains Jonathan.<br />
Away from their phones,<br />
computers, and the stresses of<br />
work and daily life, Jonathan’s<br />
clients discover the mental<br />
space to unravel problems that<br />
would otherwise stay buried,<br />
and connect to what he calls<br />
their “instinctive, wilder side”, or<br />
“primal energies”.<br />
“You might not want to do a<br />
job anymore but push down<br />
those feelings, and suppress<br />
that intuition, because you’re<br />
frightened of what you need to<br />
do with your life,” says Jonathan,<br />
adding that we’re in the midst of<br />
an “epidemic of stress, anxiety and<br />
depression”.<br />
A nation of over-workers,<br />
many of us are awash with stress<br />
hormone cortisol, which peaks<br />
when we’re frazzled. Inevitably,<br />
we lose our sense of personal<br />
boundaries, which is why we work<br />
through our lunch breaks, agree<br />
to overtime, or take work home at<br />
weekends – all of which damage<br />
personal relationships. Walking,<br />
though, has the power to rectify<br />
this imbalance.<br />
“The worst torment in the<br />
world is not being abandoned<br />
by someone else – it’s when you<br />
abandon yourself. But in nature,<br />
we find the silence to hear our true<br />
thoughts and, in doing so, start<br />
to consider ourselves again,” says<br />
Jonathan.<br />
In his book, Walk With Your Wolf:<br />
Unlock your intuition, confidence<br />
and power, which he wrote for<br />
people who want to become better<br />
connected to themselves but<br />
can’t afford counselling, Jonathan<br />
recommends keeping a walking<br />
diary. By jotting down one-word<br />
feelings before, during, and after<br />
each walk, we can be inwardly<br />
honest about our feelings, and<br />
discover what we need to lead a<br />
balanced and happy life.<br />
“The first boundary is with<br />
yourself and that commitment of<br />
‘I’m going to do this for me’,” says<br />
Jonathan, adding that technologyfree<br />
walking is another step in the<br />
right direction.<br />
“People want to feel loved<br />
and important, so are always<br />
wondering: ‘Is there another >>>
For that moment<br />
in my life, I had<br />
a purpose. I was<br />
moving forward<br />
and had control<br />
email?’ Our esteem is so based<br />
around what’s happening on our<br />
phones, it keeps our eyes looking<br />
down instead of up. Our eyes need<br />
to be up in order to connect with<br />
something – or someone – else.”<br />
Walking in nature, says Jonathan,<br />
helps us find solutions to problems.<br />
“When you walk, endorphins get<br />
released in the brain and you can<br />
start being more solutions-focused<br />
and strategically-focused,” he says.<br />
“So is it about taking a fourday<br />
week, quitting your job<br />
to do something different, or<br />
committing to take more breaks<br />
during the working day? The<br />
brain can work for 40 minutes<br />
maximum and it then needs a<br />
20-minute break, otherwise it<br />
will not work effectively. I’ve got<br />
more people to take more breaks<br />
throughout their day, and their<br />
efficiency and productivity has<br />
gone up by about 60–70%.”<br />
Jonathan would have done<br />
anything for such insight 23 years<br />
ago when he was in the grip of his<br />
addictions – dependent on cocaine<br />
and alcohol, blotting his pain after<br />
losing his mum to colon cancer<br />
when he was 17.<br />
His problems started earlier, at<br />
13 – “a little bit of gin here and<br />
there” – to cope with being bullied<br />
at school.<br />
“The world didn’t feel safe. I<br />
was bullied from the age of 10,<br />
and when mum died, the loss I<br />
felt was indescribable. I was so<br />
angry because I thought she’d<br />
endure anything. People say ‘talk<br />
about your feelings’ but when the<br />
pain is that deep, you can’t put it<br />
into words. I was drinking, doing<br />
cocaine, and smoking marijuana,<br />
and then, at 22, when I was trying<br />
to get clean, my brother died.”<br />
The trauma of losing his brother<br />
triggered an escalation of drug<br />
use to catastrophic levels until<br />
“a light switched on” inside<br />
Jonathan. Realising he would die<br />
if he did not seek professional<br />
help, he entered rehab, arranged<br />
counselling, and got sober.<br />
Then in the weeks and months<br />
that followed, he began walking<br />
every day on Wimbledon<br />
Common or Richmond Park,<br />
MY LIFE-TRANSFORMING WALKS<br />
The Lake, Wimbledon Park<br />
This was the first place I started<br />
walking, when I was in the thick<br />
of it. There was something about<br />
watching ducks just being ducks<br />
that made me think: ‘It’s going<br />
to be OK.’ I realised I could make<br />
my journey as complicated as I<br />
wanted, or as simple as a duck<br />
following another duck. The big<br />
message from that moment was<br />
that life is for living.<br />
Wimbledon pond, around<br />
the Common, to the<br />
windmill and back<br />
When you’re in drug addiction,<br />
you’re disconnected with<br />
everything, and it’s the scariest<br />
thing – so one day I began<br />
naming the trees on my walk.<br />
They were like people I passed<br />
each day, so it was a way of<br />
reintroducing relationships,<br />
and widening the scope to<br />
realise there was more to life<br />
than just what was happening<br />
to me right then.<br />
Wimbledon Golf Club<br />
Since my dad died four years<br />
ago, I’ve felt great comfort<br />
returning to the walk I did with<br />
my family as a child. I feel my<br />
mum, brother, and dad are<br />
walking beside me. Sometimes<br />
we need physical space to<br />
tap into our past, and that’s<br />
why walks are so important,<br />
especially if you’ve done them<br />
with someone who’s passed.<br />
It’ll jog your memory about<br />
things you’ve been through,<br />
and conversations you’ve had.<br />
There’s great wisdom, comfort,<br />
and direction there, and it<br />
reminds us who we are.<br />
88 • happiful.com • <strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong>
a process that gave him the<br />
“strength to rebuild his life”<br />
and finally helped him conquer<br />
depression and anxiety.<br />
“My addictions gave me a sense<br />
of control, because I could choose<br />
when and where I decided to<br />
smash myself apart. It gave me a<br />
sense of autonomy when I’d lost<br />
my mum and brother, even though<br />
I was completely out of control,<br />
with no autonomy. But when I<br />
took a walk, that too gave me a<br />
sense of autonomy,” he says. “For<br />
that moment in my life, I had a<br />
purpose. I was moving forward<br />
and had control.”<br />
Five years ago, Jonathan moved<br />
from south-west London, where<br />
he developed Walking Therapy, to<br />
the Isle of Wight, where he lives<br />
with his wife and two daughters,<br />
and runs residential retreats for<br />
burned-out city workers. More<br />
often than not, on day three, he<br />
witnesses a flood of emotions as<br />
clients relax and the adrenaline<br />
wears off, exposing their true<br />
feelings.<br />
“We always look at drugs like<br />
alcohol but never consider the<br />
drugs that we create in ourselves,<br />
in our minds, with adrenaline<br />
being the main one,” says<br />
Jonathan, who believes walking<br />
and finding the mental space to<br />
confront difficult emotions can<br />
treat anxiety and depression long<br />
before they take hold.<br />
“If you think about anger being<br />
an energy, if you push that energy<br />
into a boiler, it will explode or<br />
implode. If it implodes, you<br />
get depression, but before it<br />
explodes, an alarm goes off –<br />
that’s anxiety. You’ve got to deal<br />
with the pressure that’s building<br />
up in the boiler beforehand,” he<br />
explains.<br />
FIND YOUR TEMPO<br />
Fast: “When you’re depressed,<br />
it’s fine to walk slowly, but I’ve<br />
found that when I’ve really<br />
walked, the blood begins racing<br />
around the body, which gets the<br />
endorphins going. The act of<br />
walking can help us channel out<br />
unwanted or negative feelings.”<br />
Slow: “Get rid of all the anger<br />
you’ve pent up over the day<br />
by ambling during your lunch<br />
break. Ambling is about slowing<br />
it down. Come out of the office<br />
and watch other people run<br />
around while you walk slowly.<br />
This is a great way to manage<br />
your adrenal glands and calm<br />
them down, which guards<br />
against burnout. The more we<br />
amble, the more we’re present<br />
and connected with everything<br />
around us because life isn’t<br />
flying past us.”<br />
My clients inspire me<br />
every single day. The<br />
power of what they’re<br />
able to achieve<br />
fascinates me<br />
As a psychotherapist, Jonathan<br />
feels privileged to be able to help<br />
others, using nature as a healer –<br />
a gift he luckily stumbled across<br />
before it was too late.<br />
“My clients inspire me every<br />
single day,” he smiles. “The power<br />
of what they’re able to achieve<br />
fascinates me, which is why if<br />
someone says, ‘I’m depressed, I’ll<br />
never get over it,’ I never carry that<br />
disbelief. ‘It will work,’ I say. ‘But<br />
you’ve got to put the work in.’”<br />
‘Walk With Your Wolf: Unlock your<br />
intuition, confidence and power’, by<br />
Jonathan Hoban (Yellow Kite, £14.99).<br />
Visit jonathanhoban.com for more.<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2019</strong> • happiful.com • 89
Mental health<br />
matters<br />
Former fire dancer Sophie Lee has moulded<br />
a movement online, asking people to re-think<br />
what it means to be beautiful, and driving a<br />
call for acceptance. Here, she shares the things<br />
she turns to during hard times, and the people<br />
who inspire her to keep moving forward<br />
Mental health matters to me<br />
because… mental health affects<br />
every aspect of a person’s life.<br />
It’s important to be happy and<br />
confident on the inside, as other<br />
people’s opinions and actions can<br />
have a huge effect on us when we’re<br />
not stable with ourselves.<br />
When I need support I… speak to<br />
my close friends around me, and<br />
try to get a better understanding of<br />
my situation, as sometimes I can<br />
overthink a lot of problems.<br />
When I need some self-care, I…<br />
take time out to be alone. I<br />
sometimes forget that I need this,<br />
but then I recharge and revitalise,<br />
and I’m back to my energised self.<br />
The books I turn to time and again<br />
are… The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is<br />
like my Bible! I read it when I need<br />
advice, or any words of wisdom.<br />
People I find inspiring online are…<br />
Munroe Bergdorf, Katie Piper,<br />
and Steven Bartlett. They’re all<br />
very inspirational, and have a lot<br />
of motivational content that I can<br />
relate to.<br />
Three things I would say to someone<br />
experiencing mental ill-health are…<br />
be patient. Take your time. Life is<br />
not a race, everything is happening<br />
just at the right time.<br />
Trust yourself. We often forget<br />
that we are in control of the way<br />
we feel, we can allow or not<br />
allow situations to control our<br />
emotions. Be strong.<br />
Let it go. When we live with hate<br />
in our hearts, the only person<br />
suffering is ourselves. Release the<br />
anger and you will be much happier<br />
with whatever comes along in life.<br />
Sophie was left with severe burns after<br />
things went drastically wrong during<br />
one of her performances<br />
The moment I felt most proud of<br />
myself is… when I get messages<br />
from people around the world<br />
who have found inspiration in<br />
my story. It took a lot to put my<br />
insecurities aside and share the<br />
good and bad parts of my journey.<br />
But it’s all been worth it, as I’m<br />
proud that I could help to change<br />
people’s lives.<br />
For more from Sophie, follow her on<br />
Instagram: @sophirelee
Photography | Svetlana Pochatun<br />
Photography | Eduardo Dutra<br />
“<br />
Learn how to be happy with<br />
what you have while you<br />
pursue all that you want<br />
– JIM ROHN
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