V18 N37

The Old Fogey
Ah, those good old Cape May days... by Jackson D’Catur
We are not, as a city, especially well
placed to laugh at climate change.
Oh, I know, we have our plans
for a 10-foot seawall around the
entire perimeter, and yes, Cape
May does, as a geological oddity, f loat (we sit
on a thick layer o pumice stone). But still, it
would not be ideal for a beach town to not have
a beach, or to require visitors to drive by boat
or helicopter. So we will do our bit in the ight
against global warming, and ban all motorized
vehicles, apart from those electricity-powered
ones favored by those earnest young antiquers
who come to town to pretend not to know the
value o old furniture in our barn sales.
I miss the days when the loudest noise
was the cry o the seabirds, the clip-clop o
horses’ hooves and the shriek o oiled young
men slapping each other’s bare buttocks with
beach towels. And I am driven to incoherent
rage in summertime when it takes me 90 minutes
to cross the road without falling under the
wheels o a barge-sized car full o credulous
Shoebies.
O course, that does give us some unique
challenges, such as how to transport the thousands
o eager tourists from the train station
just over the canal (more on that at a later
time) to the beaches, eateries and hotels where
we delicately separate them from their crumpled
dollar bills. We switly ruled out walking:
by my calculations, Shoebies can manage
around a mile per hour, and I will not have our
fair city resemble the retreat from Moscow.
Horses are an option, as are alpacas from
local farms, but we would need around 10,000,
and the manure would make it a summer to
remember. There was talk o reviving the old
Mechanical Walkway, not dissimilar to those
in modern airports, though the original Cape
May one, whilst a steam-powered marvel,
was tricksy — i memory serves, a runaway
f lywheel caused it to speed up to 30mph and
deposit a few hundred people o the end o
the Point. Also, the idea has been mooted that
we launch or much-delayed monkey-pedicab
scheme, which would allow us to combine our
twin passions o animal rescue and cycling.
The trials were a success last time, save for that
unfortunate incident with the passing banana
truck. Also, the hurled scat.
So we are excitedly inessing the details
o the perfect solution. I cannot go into exact
speciics: suice o to say that those o you
who love trampolines will be beside yourselves
with excitement, and that we will be
utilizing empty lots every 100 yards between
the canal bridge and the beach.
December 10, 2020 EXIT ZERO Page 35