Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2021

COUPLES / RESILIENCE
JULIA* WATCHED HER
HUSBAND, Robert, retreat into
the house for the umpteenth time
and felt her frustration rise. She
couldn’t understand why he was
unwilling to help with the yardwork.
She followed him into the house.
“Can you please help me finish
moving the rock pile?” She
stopped. Once again she’d forgotten.
Her strong, healthy, able-bodied
husband of 36 years was now experiencing
intense back pain. Robert
was simply unable to function like
his normally active, strong and outdoorsy
self.
According to the Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention, an
estimated one out of five of adults
suffers from chronic pain, with age
increasing the likelihood. Usually
pain occurs when the body has been
injured, but it should go away once
the body heals. Yet for some, the pain
doesn’t leave, even after healing, and
it may persist for months or even
years, leading to what physicians
diagnose as chronic pain.
If your spouse is struggling with
chronic pain, try these tips for navigating
this new way of life together.
Recognize pain is more
than just physical
When Ardith began experiencing
daily, often debilitating, headaches
nearly seven years into her marriage,
she hoped prayer and medicine
would alleviate them. But when the
headaches continued for months
and then years, making her unable
to do even the simplest of household
chores or, at times, to care for
her young son, she fell into a devastating
cycle. Her chronic pain caused
depression, and the depression
caused more chronic pain.
She recalls, “I felt terrible watching
my husband, Andy, take up the slack
for me or have to constantly cancel
plans he and I had made because I
just couldn’t handle the pain.”
Caregivers need to remember that
a spouse who suffers with chronic
pain is dealing not only with the
physical aspects but also with the
emotional, psychological and even
spiritual components of this journey.
Know that your spouse’s inability
to do what he or she once took for
granted affects his or her sense of
self-worth, too.
“Chronic pain can change a person’s
outlook and ability to see
positive outcomes—especially
because nobody knows how this
elusive pain got started or how it’s
going to eventually turn out,” says
Dr. Lydia Floren, who practices
family medicine with the Mayo
Clinic Health System in Eau Claire,
Wisconsin.
“Many [chronic pain sufferers]
struggle with the ‘why me?’ questions
or blaming God when relief
doesn’t come or giving in to the negative
side of the pain and becoming
hard and critical,” Dr. Floren says.
She strongly recommends that couples
seek help from a professional
Christian counselor who specializes
in dealing with chronic illness and
pain to work through the associated
emotional issues.
Talk honestly and openly
Oftentimes, hurting spouses are
reluctant to admit they’re in pain.
So it’s important to encourage the
hurting spouse to talk honestly and
openly about what he or she is going
through. Living with chronic pain
gives couples the opportunity to
face the challenge together, improving
their communication and even
strengthening their bond.
In many cases, because the cause
of the pain isn’t known, the treatment
is focused not on curing the
root issue but on managing the
pain—finding ways to allow the
hurting spouse to function better
in his or her daily routine. But the
many side effects of pain—being
unable to handle ordinary tasks
or experiencing depression, anxiety
and loss of energy—take their
toll, too.
For Ardith and Andy, who’ve now
been married 41 years, communicating
includes asking multiple times
each day, “How are you feeling?”
That became an especially important
question when, a little more than
a year ago, Andy began suffering
with his own chronic pain, making
it extremely unpleasant to walk.
He had been the main housekeeper
and grocery shopper, and he had to
admit he couldn’t do it any longer.
“We had to be honest with each other
about what we both needed,” Andy
says. So they talked about how they
could continue to serve and care for
each other.
It’s important not to suffer in
silence. If you aren’t used to being
completely candid with each other,
now is the time to work on it. This
is also a great opportunity to begin
praying with each other if you haven’t
before. Andy and Ardith both say
prayer is what helps them communicate
better.
HOW DO WE
HANDLE THE
MEDICAL PART?
Along with chronic pain comes an intimate
relationship with the medical field—
multiple doctors’ appointments, tests,
prescriptions, more tests and setbacks. It
can feel paralyzing and mind-boggling.
Here’s how a caregiver can help:
1
2
CREDIT TK3
Offer grace
“Robert used to be a hobby waiting
to happen. Now he watches television,”
Julia says. “I never imagined
us sitting on the couch in the evenings.”
This once athletic, constantly
active couple now live a more sedentary
lifestyle.
At first, her husband’s debilitating
pain was a shock, and she thought
it would end quickly. Now she realizes
that chronic pain is a long-term
struggle, and the limits it puts on a
marriage take a lot of adjustment.
She says, “It’s about offering grace
and knowing I need to be more
sensitive.”
Julia recognizes this isn’t what her
husband would choose for himself
or their marriage, so she’s learned
to be kinder. She says, “If anything,
this whole experience has exposed
my character flaws and how God still
has a lot of work to do in me!”
For a time, when Andy’s pain was
at its worst, Ardith offered grace by
fixing his meals and serving them to
him in their bedroom. “It’s a give and
take,” she admits.
The couple also understands that
chronic pain controls their abilities.
Ardith’s headaches limit their social
life, so Andy often attends events or
church by himself. >>>
Attend appointments together.
As much as you can, accompany your spouse to medical
appointments so you can both ask questions and make
observations. If going together isn’t possible, write down your
questions or observations to send with your spouse.
Help your spouse monitor prescriptions.
If your spouse is prescribed opioids, consult his or her
physician to see what other drug options are available. With all
medications, monitor how your spouse reacts and keep his or
her physician informed about your concerns.
Research ways to supplement
your medical care.
Other options for pain management include physical and
massage therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic care, relaxation
techniques and nutrition.
—GK
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19