Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2023

DISCERNING TRUTH
AMONG THE LIES
page 34
PURSUING PRAYER
TOGETHER
page 13
Helping Families Thrive in Christ
APRIL / MAY 2023
Carlos & Alexa
PenaVega
GROWING
IN FAITH

Marriages
saving
ARE WORTH
Brokenness is all around us and families feel its effects in significant ways. You can
help expand the support available to couples who are at risk of divorce, so they
can encounter hope for their marriage. By expanding programs into Ontario, more
than half of Canadians will now have access to help closer to home!
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APRIL / MAY
Contents
Couples
13 PURSUING PRAYER TOGETHER
A marriage insight from
Lauren Mitchell
14 CARLOS & ALEXA PENAVEGA:
GROWING IN FAITH
Two Hollywood stars seek to keep
Jesus at the center of their marriage
by Margot Starbuck
18 MISREADING YOUR SPOUSE
How false assumptions may
be hurting your marriage
by Jill Savage
21 UNCOMMON EVANGELISM
Tony and Lauren Dungy use every
opportunity to share the Gospel
by Julie Holmquist
Faith & Inspiration
25 JUST FOR KIDS
This Easter, enjoy activities
and an article to grow your
family’s faith
In Every
Issue
4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
Kids & Teens
33 THE LAMB OF GOD
An Easter activity from
Sarah Scuderi as told to Maren Heim
34 DISCERNING TRUTH
AMONG THE LIES
Training our kids to counter
unbiblical ideas in the culture
by Alisa Childers
38 WISE TO SAVE, BLESSED TO GIVE
Teaching your kids a biblical
approach to saving
by Matt Bell
40 UNWANTED
My journey from street
kid to fostering kids
by Peter Mutabazi
45 MAKING SENSE OF MOVIE
AND MEDIA RATINGS
by Adam Holz
PROSTOCK-STUDIO-ADOBE STOCK
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
chief marketing and
content officer Tim Sawer
focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran
editorial director Sheila Seifert
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
copy chief Scott DeNicola
associate editors Sarah Brickens,
Faith Wismer
contributing editors Vance Fry, Marianne
Hering, Thomas Jeffries, Jennifer Lonas,
Jeff Masching
art director Anneka Jack
designer Sally Dunn
cover Courtesy of the
PenaVega Family
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
print production Gail Wise
circulation Erika Lynch
the reason for
every season
Jean-Paul Beran is
president of <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family Canada.
AT THE END of every year it’s common
for us to talk about the birth of Christ as
“the reason for the season.” This is a helpful
reminder, especially because we’re so overwhelmed
with conflicting messages when it
comes to that time of year.
I believe it’s important for us think about
Easter the same way. In my family, we often
talk about Easter as the highlight of our
journey as Christians, since the death and
resurrection of Christ is the moment in history
when everything changed.
There are many ways we can make Easter the reason for every
season. In this issue of the magazine, we have several fun ideas
from parents like you. But I also wanted to direct you to a couple
more resources that could be helpful for you during this time.
Whether you’re able to meditate on the good news of Easter Sunday
during Lent or Holy Week, or you’re looking for ways to keep it at
the forefront of your mind throughout the rest of the year, these free
resources from <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada are great tools for you
and your family.
First, we have put together a special eight-day devotional that goes
through each day of Holy Week, from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday,
to help you better understand the bigger picture of this world-changing
moment in history. You can download your free PDF copy at
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/HolyWeekDevotional.
Second, our Kids of Integrity lessons for children ages three to 10
are filled with Bible stories, memory verses, hands-on activities,
crafts and more to help children understand big concepts. We have
a special Easter lesson that teaches children about the Easter story
through the Beatitudes. Download your free lesson at
KidsOfIntegrity.com/Easter.
As always I want to remind you that if you need any support to
help your family thrive, we are here for you! We’re just a click,
email or phone call away. I invite you to explore the full breadth of
services we offer on our website at <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca, email
us at info@fotf.ca with your questions or concerns, or call our
team at 1.800.661.9800 to learn more about how we can help.
CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY
Thank you!
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and
other resources through the generosity of friends
like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Donate
For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/
Magazine.
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine April/May 2023, Vol. 8, No.
2 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2023 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
All rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family,
a nonprofit organization recognized for taxdeductible
giving by the federal government. <strong>Focus</strong>
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from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version ® (ESV ® ).
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Blessings,
Jean-Paul Beran
4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
resurrection reminder
MICHELLE CREDIT BARLEY
TK
During Holy Week, our family has daily devotions to study the character of
Jesus Christ. We point out that Jesus didn’t “forget” anyone. He ministered
to the poor, the blind, the lepers, the sinners. When He was on the Cross,
He not only remembered His mother, Mary, but He also thought of His
persecutors; He prayed and asked the Father to forgive them.
Then we tie a small piece of red and white thread—red to represent the
blood He shed for us and white to represent His purity—around the wrist
of each family member. This “forget me knot” reminds us to reach out to
the outcast, to the poor in spirit or to whomever is in need.
—Melissa Johnson
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5

HACKS & FACTS / HOLY WEEK
foot washing
Each year on Maundy Thursday (the
day before Good Friday), my husband
reads from John 13:1-17. During this
time, he washes my children’s feet
and mine as well. This gesture has
been meaningful for my children to
tangibly experience the Bible passage
and to recognize their father’s servant
heart and deep love for them. This
activity has made the story of Jesus’
sacrifice more poignant for our family.
—Elizabeth James
a humble dinner
One evening during Holy Week, our family eats a “servant’s
meal” together. This is a meal in which no one can
ask for food or serve him or herself. Instead, you can get
food on your plate only when a family member offers you
some and serves you.
To set the mood for the humble dinner, we dine by
candlelight with limited utensils and cutlery. Served on a
wooden cutting board, we eat a simple menu of crusty
bread with honey or jam, cheese, cured meats, dried fruits
or applesauce.
As plates empty, the kids have fun offering more cheese
or crackers. They enjoy scooping applesauce for Mom
and Dad. As we eat, I talk about the Last Supper, Jesus’
sacrifice during Holy Week and how God’s love for us all
led Him to the ultimate act of servanthood.
—Kristin Wynalda
memory marker
One evening after dinner during Holy Week,
I serve a simple dessert, play praise music and
light a candle at the center of our table. I then
place crayons, markers and a sheet of paper at
everyone’s seat, and we draw pictures or write
about how we’ve seen God “resurrect” situations
during the past year that initially seemed hopeless.
Then, from youngest to oldest, we show our
papers and talk about our experiences.
Each paper is dated and placed into our
Resurrection folder. This has been a wonderful
keepsake to bring out each year.
—April Dean
CREDIT ALYSSA DE TK
ASIS
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

RESURRECTION DAY / HACKS & FACTS
sharing the
Good News
CREDIT TK
empty tomb search
One of our kids’ favorite traditions is searching for the “empty
tomb.” Every year, my husband and I find a new location in our
house, such as the dryer or a lower cabinet, where we’ve hidden
their Easter baskets. As we read through the Bible story, we remind
our kids that Jesus’ resurrection covers our sins, and His sacrifice is
the best, sweetest gift we’ll ever receive. We emphasize key words
from the passages and add additional clues to lead our kids to the
empty tomb location where they’ll find their baskets.
—Alyssa Pruitt
We share the love of Jesus and His resurrection
by handing out Christian tracts.
We pass along these comic-book style
booklets to family, friends, neighbors and
strangers. On one occasion, a homeless
man approached us and said, “Hey, do you
have any more of those little comic books?
I want a handful.” A grandmother asked for
a stack because she gave all hers away. It’s a
joy for our children to share the Good News
of Jesus’ resurrection with their friends.
—Amy Knowles
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / IMAGINATION
snack map
To prompt imaginative play, I would hide
stuffed animals around the house for a pretend
safari. Then I’d sketch a treasure map
leading my kids to their snacks. I found that
once I initiated a creative activity, my kids
continued to play on their own.
—Jessika Seppala
who’s at the door?
I sometimes dress up in a funny costume, ring the
doorbell and pretend to be someone different. Or I’ll
leave unexpected notes around the house “from” the
backyard squirrel or an imaginary friend. These tiny
introductions allow my kids to take the imagination
prompt and run with it.
—Lori Zenker
“this could be . . .”
Our fun, made-up game starts with someone picking
a small object like a paper clip or a random item from
a purse. The first person says, “This could be . . .” and
suggests an idea of what it could be used for. We pass
the object, and the next person thinks of a different
idea. A pencil could be a drumstick, a rolling pin or a
flagpole for miniature people. Oftentimes, we have
to stop our game prematurely because everyone is
laughing too hard to carry on.
—Marielle Melling
painting the fence
As a fun outdoor activity, I would equip each of my
kids with a bucket of water and a few paintbrushes
in varying sizes. The children stood along the fence,
spaced far apart to give them room to create large
“paintings” on the wood slats. The brushstrokes of
water showed up darker so my kids could clearly see
their work.
I gardened within earshot and took a few peeks.
Before long, their art would dry up and disappear and
they could re-create a new masterpiece in the same
spot. Little supervision was required, and, best of all,
there was no messy paint to clean up.
—Donna Elizabeth Love
CAMILA GRAY
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

PERSONAL INFORMATION / HACKS & FACTS
beauty salon
address tunes
JUNO-STOCKSY UNITED
To help my young children learn their vital contact
information, such as name, address and phone
number, I developed Jenny’s Beauty Salon.
Each morning, I line up brushes, ponytail
holders and detangling spray, and then call out,
“Who has an appointment?” Sophie, 6, usually
arrives first.
“Name?” I ask, glancing at an imaginary
appointment schedule.
“Sophie,” she answers, smiling.
“Last name?”
“Address?”
And then, as I begin to ease a brush through
her tangles, she cheerfully recites her address
and phone number. When she stumbles, I help
her, making sure she repeats the information.
When she’s done, I glance again at the pretend
appointment book and nod.
“Yes, here you are.”
Carrie, 4, climbs into my lap next, and I repeat
the questions as I braid her hair. Now we play
the beauty salon game most mornings. The girls
think it’s simply a game, but I know it’s a way to
teach them an essential safety lesson—and get
their hair done, too.
—Jennifer Tananbaum
I took songs or rhymes that my kids knew and personalized
them with important information such as my phone number
or our address. For example, the lyrics to “Do You Know
the Muffin Man” became “Do you know the Isaac man, the
Isaac man, the Isaac man? Do you know the Isaac man who
lives on 219 Lindley Lane?” OK, it’s not a perfect rhyme, but it
worked. The kids remember important information.
—Jennifer Henn
dual-purpose password
We have two desktop computers that our kids share.
My husband had the idea of using his cellphone number
(along with additional symbols) as the password for
one computer and my phone number as the base for the
other password. Our kids had no problem learning our
phone numbers since they typed them in daily to log on
to the computers. We plan to use this system to teach
them other important information such as our address.
—Cayce Finley
ALERT: Never use just your phone number or personal
information as a password. These are easily hacked.
fill in the forms
My wife and I use online shopping to teach our
kids their names, address and phone number.
When it’s time to enter the billing information, we
let our kids do the typing. Then we handle typing
in the payment details. It gives us a chance to talk
about when it’s safe and not safe to give out personal
information on the internet.
—Jared Hottenstein
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

HACKS & FACTS / RENEWED HEARTS
God’s
creation
My husband and I want to show our
three children that despite any troubles,
Christ’s love and beauty are all
around us.
Together we hike, bike, wander and
explore. Our children look forward
to making discoveries along the trails.
Whether we’re birdwatching, finding
just the right walking stick or being
still as we wait for a barred owl to
return our call, we can’t think of a better
place to experience hope and life
than in nature.
Through these experiences, our
family can unplug, slow down
and spend time exploring. We are
reminded of Christ’s control and witness
the fruit of the Spirit in one
another. After each hike, we end
with a prayer thanking God for His
amazing creation and return home
with renewed spirits and hope for
tomorrow.
—Katie Walsh
kids like us
In our home, we set a goal to sponsor two orphans for vocational
camp in Liberia through a Christian ministry. We kept
the fundraising goal realistic, which I figured would mean
collecting loose change. But by the end of the summer, my
children had earned money through lemonade and cookie
stands, car washes and selling their stuffed animals. We raised
enough to send 10 children to vocational camp!
It was great we raised all that money, but the biggest blessing
was the change in the hearts of my children. They now
talk about the orphans in Liberia as if they were their own
neighborhood friends. They ask, “Do you think ‘so and so’
learned to bake yet?” They saw value in another child across
the ocean who was created in God’s image.
—Meagan Kish
(FLOWER PATTERNS) FELIZABETH-ADOBE STOCK / LUMINA-STOCKSY UNITED
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

RENEWED HEARTS / HACKS & FACTS
soothing sing-alongs
MCKINSEY JORDAN-STOCKSY UNITED / (GRAY TEXTURE) OATAWA-ADOBE STOCK
When my granddaughter began to show signs
of anxiety, I asked my son and his wife if I could
use music to help ease my granddaughter’s
fretfulness. I’ve learned through my experience
in music and education that music’s benefits
include improved sleep, reduced stress and
engagement of the whole brain.
Using video chat, I sit at my piano playing and
singing simple, cheerful songs while my granddaughter
sings along. Our interactions have
given her so much joy! I have begun to teach her
how to play the piano in this same way. Her parents
say they’ve seen such an improvement in
her outlook and attitude.
—Teresa Auten
hope for
healing
One verse we have taught our kids to
remember in prayer is Proverbs 18:10, “The
name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous
man runs into it and is safe.” Recently,
my son had a serious eye infection, and he
was nervous about what was going to happen
at the doctor’s office. On his own, he
prayed for healing. Even though he was in
pain, he had hope and faith that God would
heal his eye.
After the visit, however, my son’s eye
became more swollen; the medicine was
not working. God did not answer our initial
prayers for healing but taught our son that
our timing is not God’s timing. With continued
prayer and another discussion with the
doctor, we received a different prescription;
my son’s eye slowly began to heal.
Prayer has encouraged my children to
have a relationship with God. Through his
experience, my son learned that whether
God answers “no” or “not yet,” we must
remain faithful. Prayer has also helped all of
our children realize that even though you
cannot see Him, He is always there, waiting
to listen. That is the greatest hope of all.
—Angela Imburgia
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

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a ministry of

Couples
pursuing
prayer
together
A marriage insight
from Lauren Mitchell
ERIKA JAMES CARDER
MY HUSBAND, PETE, AND I
seek to keep God at the center of our marriage
by talking to Him together. I would be lying if
I said this isn’t a struggle. The places we need
God the most, we don’t tend to invite Him,
including the times when we have misunderstandings
and fights.
A Scripture my husband and I stand on is
Colossians 4:2, “Continue steadfastly in prayer,
being watchful in it with thanksgiving.”
Continue is the key word because my spouse
and I will continue to hurt each other, we will
continue to need to forgive, we will continue to
face disappointment, so we need to continue in
prayer. We have to continue inviting God to all
the places it feels hard to pray in, continue being
watchful for His answers, and continue with
thanksgiving for God’s help and for each other.
I’d love to say that we pray every night, completely
forgive each other during those times
of frustration and automatically turn to prayer
when it’s needed, but the truth is we’re still two
humans. We struggle, and we fail, but we’re
going to continue.
God doesn’t expect our perfection. That verse
doesn’t say to be perfect in prayer; rather, it tells
us to keep at it. My spouse and I persist in prayer
because we’ve found that God blesses us when
we pray for each other and with each other.
Prayer has become a powerful force in our
marriage, and we have the great honor of seeking
God together. •
Lauren Mitchell is a wife and mother of three children. As
a writer and speaker, her passion is teaching women how
to grow closer to God through prayer.
Lauren and Pete Mitchell
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

COUPLES / FAITH
Growing in Faith
Alexa PenaVega:
PenaVega:
& Carlos
PHOTOS COURTESY OF THE PENAVEGA FAMILY
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

FAITH / COUPLES
Two Hollywood stars seek to keep
Jesus at the center of their marriage
BY MARGOT STARBUCK
THIS GUY IS SUCH A WEIRDO.
When Alexa Vega was introduced to Carlos Pena at a
friend’s Bible study, she was not immediately smitten
with the chatty guy who talked her ear off in the driveway.
While both shared a similar history as child actors—
Carlos in the popular Nickelodeon show “Big Time Rush,”
and Alexa being most well-known for the Spy Kids movies—it
wasn’t a professional connection that brought
them together. It was a season of spiritual hunger.
Carlos, in his early 20s, was living in a mansion he and
his father had renovated. He had money. He had success.
He had adoring fans. But he knew something was missing.
And while he tried to fill that void with cars, homes, girlfriends
and marijuana, nothing satisfied him.
Carlos had noticed something different in the life of
his friend and real estate agent, Andrew, that he admired.
Andrew was generous, kind and consistent—he seemed
to be at peace. Curious, Carlos asked Andrew what it was
that made him so . . . different.
“Jesus,” Andrew answered, simply.
So when Andrew invited him to church that same week,
Carlos agreed. And hearing God’s voice through the pastor
that day, speaking directly to his heart, Carlos gave his
life to Jesus.
Trusting God and trusting each other
Alexa, who’d battled an eating disorder throughout her life
and had recently suffered a failed marriage, was also in a
chaotic season. She’d been dating around and partying in
ways she never had before. Alexa adored her work as an
actress, but she was thirsty for purpose.
Her friend Andrew had invited her to a Bible study—
that was the night she met Carlos. Though she’d always
had a deep hunger for God, Alexa’s personal relationship
with Jesus began through that Bible study.
The same week, Alexa invited Andrew to a party promoting
the release of her new movie. Andrew asked if he
could bring Carlos, and the evening marked the beginning
of a friendship between Carlos and Alexa.
After they began dating, though, Carlos faced a financial
challenge that tested his new faith. While Alexa
suggested that they should pray about the situation,
Carlos wrestled with the idea that God could help. Not yet
mature in his faith, he didn’t understand why he was facing
this obstacle when he’d been doing everything “right.”
One evening, as he was bemoaning his predicament to
Alexa, Carlos complained, “I am so over this. I think I’m
done with God.”
Alexa, a bit more seasoned, recognized that God was
not the author of life’s troubles and that He actually
accompanies us through these challenges.
“It’s not like God makes bad things happen to you,” she
told Carlos. “That’s not who He is.”
Unable to see beyond his own predicament, Carlos dug
his heels in, insisting that God had abandoned him.
“If you’re done with God,” Alexa eventually had to tell
him, “I’m done with you.”
When Alexa said this, Carlos’ world began to collapse,
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15

COUPLES / FAITH
Left: Alexa on the set of Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over
Bottom: Alexa and Carlos’ wedding day
Carlos in middle with his band,
Big Time Rush
and he even blamed God for the
possibility that he might lose Alexa.
Although he trusted that Alexa cared
deeply for him, he saw that her faith
was even more important to her than
her relationship with him. When the
two paused their relationship, Andrew
started connecting more often with
Carlos, helping him see a fuller
picture of who God was in his life
and in the world.
Two become one
Carlos and Alexa’s relationship eventually
restarted, and each kept growing
in faith.
“Go big or go home!” That was Carlos’
mission when he proposed to his
beloved. He invited many family members
and friends to go on a cruise, and
he hosted a group dinner on the ship
so that he could propose to Alexa in
front of all of them.
“Alexa Vega, will you marry me?”
When Alexa said yes, through her
tears, the room went wild as the
couple’s loved ones screamed and
clapped in celebration of their joy.
Those same family members and
friends would join Alexa and Carlos
for a lavish wedding celebration at a
beach resort in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
But as the pair was planning for that
event, they decided that they’d prefer
a private ceremony before the big
shindig with family and friends. So,
on Christmas Eve, the pastor whose
preaching had first inspired Carlos to
commit his life to Jesus married the
couple. The pastor’s wife was there, too,
along with Andrew, the friend who
introduced the couple to each other.
A few days later, as Carlos and Alexa
headed toward the county courthouse
to file their paperwork, the couple realized
that they still hadn’t decided what
legal names they’d use. Should they
make their managers happy by keeping
their last names, Pena and Vega,
so that fans would continue to recognize
them? When they approached the
clerk to finalize the paperwork, they
filled in their new names: Carlos and
Alexa PenaVega.
Family life
Carlos and Alexa had both been raised
in Latino families, among sisters and
brothers they loved, and they knew
they wanted kids of their own. Several
years into their marriage, Carlos and
Alexa welcomed Ocean King PenaVega
into their family. He was soon joined
by brother Kingston and sister Rio.
Grateful for one another’s strengths,
each is quick to affirm the other.
Carlos brags that Alexa is a natural
nurturer. She’s selfless. She’s an incredible
mother. He calls her the family’s
rock. And Alexa praises the way Carlos
plans and provides for their family.
He tosses the kids around in the pool
before dinner, and he serves neighbors
in his community.
Both Alexa and Carlos admit they’re
very different people. He’s fiery and
passionate, while she’s more grounded
and even-keeled. He wants to be going
(TEXTURE) MR. MUSIC-ADOBE STOCK
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

Alexa with Kingston
FAITH / COUPLES
Left: Carlos with
his two boys
Bottom L to R: Ocean,
Kingston and Rio
and doing, while she’s more contemplative.
And they’re convinced that
those differences aren’t accidental.
Where one is weak, the other offers
support. They both recognize that they
are better together and that those differences
are the goodness God intends
for marriage.
A love that satisfies
Today, the couple is committed to
continuing to seek God’s plan for
their marriage and family. At bedtime,
before prayer together, the
family sings a silly song that they
made up. Then they “armor up” by
donning the tools that helped Alexa
conquer her eating disorder: the belt
of truth, the breastplate of righteousness,
feet fitted with the readiness
of the Gospel, the shield of faith, the
helmet of salvation and the Sword of
the Spirit (Ephesians 6:14-17). Finally,
in unison, the family repeats an affirmation
offered to them by a mentor
of theirs:
I’m special.
I’m loved.
I’m worthy.
I’m not rejected.
I do matter on this earth.
I will do mighty things for Jesus.
I am the righteousness of God.
More than anything, Carlos and
Alexa want their children to grow up
knowing that God loves them. They
want their kids to be kingdom people,
loving and honoring God in whatever
sphere of influence He calls them. Daily
they ask God to help them be the parents
they need to be for their kids.
As successful actors in Hollywood,
both Carlos and Alexa had everything in
life that promised to satisfy. For a season,
each of them chased that kind of happiness.
But together they found a love that
truly satisfies. They’re living out that love
in their home and in the world. •
Margot Starbuck is a graduate of Westmont
College and Princeton Seminary, and is the
award-winning writer of more than 30 books.
She especially treasures the privilege of writing
alongside athletes, entertainers and overcomers.
WHAT IF LOVE IS
THE POINT?
by Carlos and Alexa PenaVega
Carlos and Alexa’s love story is more
than how they met, fell in love and
became parents. It’s also about
surrendering to Christ and finding
who they are and what matters most.
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
misreading your spouse
How false assumptions may
be hurting your marriage
BY JILL SAVAGE | ILLUSTRATION BY HAO HAO
MY HUSBAND AND I were sitting
on the porch chatting about future
plans. I mentioned an idea to him, and
he started asking questions. Lots and
lots of questions. He also mentioned
being nervous about some things I
suggested. I immediately concluded
that he was closed to the idea, and I
told him to just drop it. But I’m glad he
didn’t, because I soon realized that I
had made some wrong assumptions.
When Mark expresses apprehension
about my ideas or suggestions, I too
easily conclude that he’s unwilling to
do something new. But what he’s really
doing is processing his thoughts and
feelings externally. He’s not saying he’s
unwilling to do something new; he just
needs to talk through it. As an internal
processor, I don’t usually do that. And
because of our processing differences,
I tend to assign the wrong meaning to
his responses and jump to the wrong
conclusions.
Each of us sees the world through
the lens of our own experiences, history,
temperament, personality and
family of origin. We interpret our
spouses’ words and body language
through those lenses as well.
The problem is that we tend to misread,
misinterpret or misunderstand
what our spouses say or do. We may
take things personally and become
offended when, more often than not,
we misinterpreted what they meant.
Wrong assumptions and mistaken perceptions
can increase the conflict in
our marriages and lead to arguments
that damage our relationships.
So how can we curb the tendency
to take things the wrong way? Let’s
explore some practical ways we can
stop wrong assumptions in their tracks.
Pay attention
to perceptions
One important way we can correct
wrong assumptions is by paying attention
to our thoughts and perceptions.
Whenever you catch yourself making
an assumption about something your
spouse says or does, ask yourself, Is
this perception accurate?
For many years of our marriage, I
rarely expressed emotion or processed
grief. This had everything to do with
learning to avoid emotions in my family
of origin, but Mark took it to mean that
I didn’t need him. Instead of understanding
that my lack of vulnerability
reflected my childhood experiences, he
interpreted it as rejecting him.
One friend shared with me that she
often misread her husband’s quietness
as anger. When she dug into this perception
with a counselor, she began
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

COMMUNICATION / COUPLES
LISTEN NOW!
Mark and Jill Savage share their
personal story of rebuilding trust
in their marriage.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
to understand that when she was
young and her stepdad was quiet, it
usually meant that he was angry with
her. When she married, she automatically
assigned the same meaning to her
husband’s silence. There was only one
problem: Her husband was simply a
quiet guy.
Resist making assumptions
Over the course of our marriage, Mark
and I have learned to resist making
assumptions about each other. Here are
three strategies we’ve found helpful.
Be aware of the lenses you see life
through. Our perspectives can be
accurate at times and terribly distorted
at other times. Think about the experiences
you’ve had that shaped the
way you see life. Some common lenses
are fear, loss, rejection, shame, hopelessness,
avoidance, people pleasing,
resignation and anger. As you process
your spouse’s actions or words, ask
yourself, What lens am I viewing this
through?
Ask what you’re thinking. When
Mark expresses concerns about my
ideas, instead of making assumptions,
I can bring my thoughts out of the
shadows and ask questions to clarify
what he means. For example, I might
say, “You’re expressing fear about
doing this. Are you saying you don’t
want to do it, or are you just processing
your thoughts and feelings?”
My friend with the quiet husband
might say to him, “When I was a child
and my stepdad got quiet, he was usually
angry with me. I notice you’re
quiet today. Does that mean you’re
angry with me?”
Push your thoughts in a more
accurate direction. Our thoughts are
powerful, and they can mislead us in
powerfully destructive ways. That’s
why we need to “take every thought
captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When
you find yourself making wrong
assumptions, pause before reacting
and work to recognize how your
own lens is distorting your view of the
situation.
Using these strategies can help you
let go of assumptions and focus
instead on what your spouse is actually
thinking, feeling and intending
to communicate. Don’t let wrong
assumptions make your path rocky.
Instead, clear up any false expectations
and misunderstandings for a more
pleasant future together. •
Jill Savage is the host of the “No More Perfect
Podcast” and co-authored the book No More
Perfect Marriages with her husband, Mark.
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

AD
⅓
15 COMMON
15 ASSUMPTIONS
THAT CAN HURT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
AD - Hope
Restored
If you truly loved me . . .
• you’d know what I was thinking.
20
Ad Title
• you’d know what I wanted.
• you’d want the exact same goals I do.
• you’d always put me first.
• our relationship wouldn’t feel like it was
so much work.
• our relationship would never change.
• you’d want to do what I want you to do.
• you’d think more like me.
• you’d act more like me.
• we wouldn’t have to talk about so many
hard subjects.
• our love would look more like a
romantic comedy.
• we’d do chores in the same way.
• we’d never fight.
• I’d feel your love all the time.
• you’d meet all my needs.
Instead of making assumptions, live by Philippians
2:3 where your spouse is concerned: “In humility
count others more significant than yourselves.”
—Sheila Seifert

SERVICE / COUPLES
uncommon
evangelism
BY JULIE HOLMQUIST
How to use every
opportunity to
share the Gospel
Tony and Lauren
on their wedding
day, 1982
MARISSA MOSS PHOTOGRAPHY
WHEN LAUREN AND
TONY DUNGY SERVE
BREAKFAST on any given
morning, their kids may find a new
child joining them. No longer a surprise
to find a new face at the table,
the Dungy kids learned a long time ago
that serving others is what the Dungy
family is all about. In their home, that
includes caring for foster children who
need a safe place to stay—even if they
arrive in the middle of the night.
Sure, the sons of this former NFL
player and coach love to practice
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21

COUPLES / SERVICE
football drills with their dad, but they
know the game isn’t his first priority.
They see how Tony serves his wife and
children, how he patiently talks with
fans and how he’s happy to share information
about adoption and foster care
with interested couples.
Their mother also models service
to others. The kids see what Lauren
does for children in need. They watch
her run races wearing Scriptureemblazoned
T-shirts, looking for
opportunities to tell others about Jesus.
“As soon as we say we accept Christ,
He could take us to heaven,” Tony
says. “But I think He leaves us here to
point other people to Him—to show
people what it really means to live for
Christ. And we have opportunities to
do that every day that we don’t even
think about.”
Recognizing those opportunities to
serve others in the name of Jesus is the
point of Tony and Lauren’s latest book,
Uncommon Influence: Saying yes to a
purposeful life.
“We can influence others on a daily
basis,” Lauren adds. “We can influence
people inside our home; we can influence
people in the schools and the
neighborhood and the community. It
doesn’t have to be a big idea or a large
platform. It can be just a small thing
that influences others for the kingdom.”
Most people don’t think they can
have a significant impact on others,
Tony says, but they’re wrong. “You do
have influence, so let’s use that influence
in the right way.”
A large platform
Tony and Lauren’s platform is significant.
Tony led the Indianapolis Colts
to Super Bowl victory in 2007, the first
such win for a black head coach. He
was also the first NFL head coach to
lead his teams to the playoffs for 10
consecutive seasons. And his platform
didn’t end when he retired from the
NFL in 2009; he currently appears as
an analyst on NBC’s “Football Night in
America.”
As a couple, the Dungys are committed
to using Tony’s fame and national
Lauren and Tony Dungy
with their children
MARISSA MOSS PHOTOGRAPHY; COURTESY OF THE DUNGY FAMILY
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

SERVICE / COUPLES
CREDIT TK
Lauren and Tony
often run 5K charity
events together.
“God gives
everyone gifts.
Wouldn’t it be a
shame if we didn’t
share them with
others?”
—Lauren Dungy
platform to support faith-based causes.
Whether Tony is speaking at the March
for Life rally or defending Florida state
legislation that helps nonprofits serving
fathers, Tony makes it clear that he
is serving the Lord.
Together, the couple have adopted
eight kids and have cared for several
children in foster care, as well as
having had three biological children.
They continue being there for kids,
even though Tony and Lauren are
now in their 60s. Lauren also serves
as the vice president of the Dungy
Family Foundation and is a soughtafter
speaker.
Yet the same fame that led to a large
platform also has its downsides. In an
article for the nonprofit All Pro Dad,
Tony wrote that when his oldest daughter
was in middle school, she didn’t
want to be in public with him because
of people’s interruptions. Even now,
moving through an airport can be an
exercise in patience.
“It’s not always convenient when
someone wants to talk football, especially
when you’re in a hurry to go
somewhere,” Lauren says. “At times,
you don’t want all eyes on you. But
God has placed us in this arena where
Tony is recognized just about everywhere
we go. So we have to use that
opportunity to point others to Christ.”
A small platform
Tony and Lauren emphasize that you
don’t need a large platform to influence
others for God as a couple. What
you need, Lauren points out, is to be
obedient when God places opportunities
before you.
“God gives everyone a platform,”
Lauren says. “God gives everyone gifts.
Wouldn’t it be a shame if we didn’t
share them with others? Not everyone
can sing; not everyone is artistic or
is able to work with children. But we
all have gifts, so we should use those
gifts to build the body of Christ. I love
it when people recognize and understand
the gifts they have and then
start using them.”
Tony and Lauren’s influence in
God’s kingdom isn’t confined to the
national level or to when they’re
together. For example, Lauren likes
to go running with a group of other
women in her community. “We
decided that we’re a Christian running
group,” she says, “and we want
to bless everyone we come in contact
with.”
When the group is out on the trail,
Lauren says, they pray for the people
around them. “When people walk by
and say, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ we
invite them to join us, or we ask for
prayer requests. We’ve never had anyone
turn us down.”
An opportunity to share Christ
might be as small as a short conversation
in a barber’s chair. Tony
remembers five-minute discussions
with people who encouraged him and
Lauren at just the right time, as well as
regular chats with his childhood barber
that helped him grow.
“He asked me how I was doing in
church and what I learned in Sunday
school. He taught me just as he was
doing his job cutting my hair,” Tony
recalls.
Tony points to two passages as
motivation for serving. Matthew
25:35-40 encourages us to serve
others and provide care for the downtrodden.
In doing so, we are serving
Christ. He also draws inspiration from
James 2:14-17, and the warning of
sending people away with only a wish
to be warm and well fed.
“God gives us opportunities if we’re
on the lookout for them,” Tony says.
“There are very, very small things we
can do.” >>>
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23

COUPLES / SERVICE
Leonard Harris,
Lauren’s father
Tony (right) with his
parents, Wilbur and
Cleomae Dungy
Uncommon influencers
Tony and Lauren recall many others
who positively influenced their lives
and taught them about serving the
Lord. Lauren’s parents and grandparents
all cared for children in the foster
system. “They were employed outside
the home, but they realized they
had gifts that could extend to others,”
Lauren says.
Her parents also adopted two children
during their retirement years.
Before Lauren’s mom passed away at
95, she was still volunteering at church,
cooking meals and writing encouraging
letters to others.
“It was something she enjoyed doing,
and it was a calling God gave her,”
Lauren says. “I think kingdom building
goes on until the day you die.”
For Tony and Lauren, the call to
adopt and foster children showed up
early in their 40-year marriage, after
a woman spoke at their church about
children needing loving homes.
“We were just so moved by her presentation,”
Lauren recalls. “We prayed
about it and decided to get involved.
That was God saying, ‘This is your calling.
This is what I want you to do.’ Tony
and I have always worked with children
and young adults, influencing
and mentoring them. This was another
step in that same direction.”
Early on, Tony and Lauren were
also influenced by the pastor of their
Pittsburgh church. Tony explains: “The
pastor there got the message across
to everybody that being a Christian
wasn’t just coming to church, hearing
a message and singing songs. It
was going out and serving for Christ.
So what are you doing? How are you
living? What are you doing to demonstrate
Christ to your community?”
One couple in that church, Mike and
Barb Cephas, were a big influence on
Tony and Lauren, though they didn’t
realize it at the time. “They were mentors
to us without even trying,” Tony
says. “They had a tremendous influence
on us, and we’re still friends 40
years later. They had an impact just by
raising godly children.”
Saying yes to service
Caring for children is a natural calling
for Tony and Lauren. Fixing cars? Not
so much. “If someone says, ‘Hey, my
car broke down. Can you come and fix
it?’ Well, that’s going to be hard for me,”
Tony says.
But even when we’re able to help
someone, Tony says, it can be easy to
say no. Amid the busyness of life, we
tend to avoid inconvenient demands
on our time. So how do you move past
that initial “no”? As a couple, Tony and
Lauren seek to pray first then discern
God’s voice. Once they’re clear about
that, they act.
The couple have experienced many
blessings stemming from their love
for each other and service to children.
“We’re blessed because we’re learning
to love God’s children, regardless of
their background or their situation,”
Lauren says. “God is teaching us a lot—
how to be patient, how to be giving. . . .”
Another reward is seeing their own
children catch the bug to serve. When
babies enter their home, Lauren says
the older children want to help. And
when the family hangs out in a park,
Dungy kids hand out water bottles to
the homeless.
“Don’t think you don’t have influence,”
Tony tells parents. “You do.
You’re influencing someone, and you
have opportunities to influence people,
even though you may think [those
opportunities] aren’t that significant.
They are. If you influence one person,
you can change the world.” •
Julie Holmquist is a content producer for the
Marriage and Family Formation department
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
UNCOMMON
INFLUENCE
by Lauren and Tony Dungy
Everyone is called to do something
caring for vulnerable children.
Supporting caregivers is a
wonderful way to make a
difference in the life of a child.
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
COURTESY OF THE DUNGY FAMILY
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

Faith & Inspiration
just for kids
This Easter, enjoy
activities and an
article to grow
your family’s faith
ON THE FOLLOWING
SEVEN PAGES, get a quick look
at how a biblical worldview is conveyed
through age-appropriate content in our
award-winning magazines for kids and
teen girls—compliments of <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family.
Give your kids a gift they can enjoy all year!
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Magazines
SALLY DUNN-FOTF
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25

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Three- to 7-year-olds enjoy
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JULY2022
2022
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APRIL / MAY 2023

Kids & Teens
the Lamb of God
An Easter activity from Sarah Scuderi
as told to Maren Heim
EACH YEAR, my mom and I make a “lamb” cake for our family,
which we prepare before we eat Easter dinner together.
The cake is red
velvet, baked in
a lamb-shaped
cake pan.
After the dessert cools, we
decorate it with cream
cheese frosting and shredded
coconut. We reserve
some coconut to dye green
and use small candies for
the eyes and nose.
Once it’s placed on a plate, we
sprinkle the green-colored
shredded coconut around the
cake to imitate a lamb lying out
in a pasture.
ANNEKA JACK-FOTF
We use this dessert as a model to explain to my kids how
Jesus is the Lamb of God and willingly died in our place
for our sins. We emphasize His victory over death by rising
again on the third day (1 Corinthians 15:4).
The red velvet symbolizes the blood that He shed as
He offered His life for us. Having a physical model allows
my kids to take more interest in what Jesus did for them—
and it’s delicious to eat, too! •
Sarah Scuderi is a mom to three kids. Her mother, Maren Heim,
is a mother to four children and grandmother to six. She is a
registered nurse and loves cooking, sewing and spending time
with family and friends.
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

Discerning Truth
Among the Lies
Training our kids to counter
unbiblical ideas in the culture
BY ALISA CHILDERS | ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARY HAASDYK VOOYS
RECENTLY I ASKED more than
3,000 people in a Christian parenting
Facebook group what it feels like to
raise kids in our current culture. The
responses were telling: “Challenging.”
“Heavy.” “Terrifying.” “Bombarded.”
I’ll add a description of my own:
Overwhelming. Even as an author,
speaker and apologist, I often feel
overwhelmed as I try to correct false
information, anti-biblical sentiments
and self-focused ideologies that are
coming for my kids through virtually
every media outlet and social encounter
they have.
Where to start
It’s literally my job to defend our biblical
worldview, and yet sometimes I
feel like I’m playing a game of Whac-
A-Mole. This was my favorite arcade
game as a kid. I would hover over the
board and wait for the little plastic
moles to peek out so I could wallop
them on the head with an oversized,
soft mallet. Whacking plastic moles
was fun for a kid in an arcade.
But it’s not so fun for a parent in
the realm of ideas. As soon as one lie
pops up in a “family” movie, another
rears its head in a tutorial YouTube
video. Moments after I address one
lie, another emerges from a billboard
sign or a television commercial in
a doctor’s office waiting room. It’s
becoming nearly impossible to shield
our kids from encountering these
deceptions in their daily lives. But
rather than being discouraged, there
is good reason for us to be encouraged
and excited by the task at hand.
As Christian parents, we have a
responsibility to train up our kids with
a biblical worldview. This is like playing
offense in sports. Giving them a
solid foundation will help insulate
them from many of the unbiblical ideas
they will inevitably encounter in their
culture. But we can also play a little
defense and protect our kids by exposing
the lies that come against them.
These lies are packaged in countless
ways, but here’s the good news:
Most of the faulty slogans, messages
and ideas our kids will encounter in
our culture can be boiled down to
three modern lies that are disguised
as truth. Let’s equip ourselves to spot
these lies so we can teach our kids to
recognize them, too. Let’s also look
at some of the ways wise parents
have navigated these lies with their
own kids.
34
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

BIBLICAL LITERACY / KIDS & TEENS
My feelings determine truth
If our current culture could be summed
up with one slogan, it would be “Live your
truth!” It’s almost become a creed among
younger generations who have come to
accept that truth is relative to each individual
person, especially when it comes to
their religious and moral beliefs.
One 15-year-old summed it up this way:
“Whatever you feel is what is real, and everyone
else should accept that.” There is only
one problem with this sentiment: That’s
not how truth works.
Truth is a statement or belief that corresponds
with reality, and truth is true no
matter your personal opinions and preferences.
Teaching our kids about the nature
and definition of truth can go a long way in
training them to think well about the confusing
messages in today’s culture.
Train them up
Gina* taught her highly emotive daughter,
Sarah, to navigate the world of feelings
versus reality in an intentional and consistent
way. When Sarah was approaching her
teen years, Gina helped her compare what
she was feeling with what was real, taking
care to point out that there’s a difference. At
one point, Sarah said she felt that no one
liked her.
Gina remembers, “We would ‘feel all
the feels’ and then talk about the wealth
of friends and family she had who were
incredibly invested in her and her life. After
a couple of tough years, I realized one day
that she was coming to me and saying
things like ‘Mom, I feel this, but I can see
that the truth doesn’t line up. . . . Help me
figure it out.’ ”
Gina pointed out that although this
didn’t solve every problem that popped up
over time, it made the toughest years more
manageable. She had shown Sarah time
and again that she could be trusted with
her daughter’s emotions and would guide
her toward truth. >>>
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35

KIDS & TEENS / BIBLICAL LITERACY
If you disagree with someone,
you hate or fear them
Love is one of those words that has been given
a redefinition in popular culture. However, we
learn in 1 Corinthians 13:4-10 that biblical love
is patient and kind. It also says that love “does
not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the
truth.” In other words, it’s not loving to approve
of or find joy in anything that is sinful or untrue.
But our culture has flipped this definition
upside down. Our kids are constantly being
taught that love means you accept and even
celebrate another person’s feelings and preferences,
and disagreeing means that you must fear
or hate that person. One of the major areas in
which this is constantly reinforced is the topic of
sexuality and gender.
Train them up
Kristie started talking with her daughter
Kayla about sexuality and gender at a young
age. Although it seemed counterintuitive to
introduce concepts like homosexuality and
transgender ideology to an 8-year-old, Kayla
was mature for her age, and Kristie knew these
subjects were fast approaching anyway. She
established herself as a safe place for Kayla to
discuss these issues, ask questions and think
things through.
Kristie provided a healthy environment for
her daughter, now 12 years old, to tell her mom
that a good friend from school announced to her
that she was a lesbian. Kristie calmly asked how
the conversation went and was surprised when
her daughter did a complete turnaround in what
she believed.
“I’m OK with it, Mom. Because I love my
friend,” Kayla articulated.
Remaining calm, Kristie casually asked, “You
know that you can love someone even if you disagree
with them, right?”
Kristie helped Kayla see how she had unintentionally
bought into the cultural definition
of love. She showed her daughter how defining
love properly and biblically would clear up any
perceived conflict between loving her friend and
holding biblical values.
36
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

BIBLICAL LITERACY / KIDS & TEENS
God just wants
me to be happy
“I want you to do whatever makes you
happiest in the world,” popular teen
heartthrob and singer Harry Styles
shouted from the stage at one of his
concerts. Soon the sentiment was
spreading around the internet via
memes and tweets, accurately summing
up the headspace of many
young people in our country.
One study coined the phrase “moralistic
therapeutic deism” to describe
the trend among teens who believe
that God just wants them to be happy
and only cares about everyone being
nice to one another. In our current culture,
being happy seems to be the end
goal. If something makes you sad or
uncomfortable, it should be avoided.
If something makes you feel happy, it
should be pursued. When the pursuit
of happiness is built upon constantly
changing feelings, it fails to give young
people the tools and inner strength
necessary to navigate difficult situations
in life.
Train them up
Melody, a public high school teacher,
noticed recently that many of her students
struggle with extreme anxiety
over relatively small issues. For example,
she writes, “In my school district,
if you say you have ‘anxiety’ you get
to take the test at a later date, and you
go to the wellness center on campus,
where they provide a Zen space, counseling
if needed. Because students’
feelings are constantly validated and
never challenged, Melody noticed that
many students can’t take criticism.
That’s quite an uphill battle for a
Christian teacher trying to shape the
minds of the next generation.
Thankfully, Melody discovered that
asking questions is an effective strategy
to help lead students to truth. For
example, one student informed her
that women can do everything men
can do, even physically. Melody agreed
that men and women are intellectually
equal, but pushed back when it came
to physical strength. She challenged
the student to look at the track records
posted in the gym.
Then she asked, “Why is the fastest
time always in the male column?”
Challenging our kids to engage with
reality and align their feelings with
what is true (and not the other way
around) is a great starting point in discipling
them to live according to truth.
These real-life stories demonstrate that with truth on our side, we
need not fear the daunting task of parenting in a culture that has
largely rejected truth. We need to expose our kids to controversial
topics as early as possible in age-appropriate ways. Then we can
demonstrate a consistent and long-term discipleship in the realm of
ideas, defining our terms biblically. This allows us to teach our kids
to manage their emotions in light of truth and reinforce their biblical
worldview. Age-appropriate exposure, discipleship, teaching and
reinforcing Christian principles are excellent places to start. •
Alisa Childers is a wife, mom, author, podcaster, blogger, speaker and worship
leader. She was a member of the award-winning CCM recording group ZOEgirl.
She is currently a respected speaker at apologetics and Christian worldview
conferences, as well as the host of her popular YouTube channel. Alisa’s most
recent book is Live Your Truth and Other Lies.
*Names have been changed to protect anonymity.
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37

KIDS & TEENS / FAMILY FINANCES
wise to save,
blessed
to give
TEACHING YOUR KIDS
A BIBLICAL APPROACH
TO SAVING
BY MATT BELL
RACHEL WAS ONE
MONEY-SMART KID.
By age 6, she was already developing
remarkable financial habits by dutifully
dividing any money she received: 10%
for church, 10% for saving, and the rest
for spending, as her parents had taught
her. Rachel was receiving an allowance
of $1 per week and had $32 set aside for
saving and spending—proof that she
had been holding her money for a while.
Then one day, Harvey, a colleague of
Rachel’s father, lost everything in a devastating
fire at his home. At a potluck
dinner organized to raise money for
Harvey’s family, Rachel gave Harvey all
the money she’d been saving. Rachel’s
story reflects a remarkably mature
approach to honoring God with money.
God’s Word teaches that it’s wise to
give and save. However, sensing and
responding to the Holy Spirit’s leading
to give away money she had set aside
for other purposes showed that Rachel
SALLY DUNN-FOTF
38
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

had not just learned biblical principles
of money management from her parents;
she had developed a Christlike
heart for giving.
Are you wondering how you can
teach your kids wise money habits?
Here are some tips:
STARTING POINT
As soon as kids receive money,
help them with giving and saving
habits before spending any of it.
Starting with a similar approach to
the division of money that Rachel was
taught can set children on a solid path
toward saving and stewarding even
what little they may have.
Point out that these practical
habits are taught in the Bible. For
example, Proverbs 3:9 encourages
us to give back to God the first and
best portion of what we receive. And
a paraphrase of Proverbs 21:20 (TLB)
teaches that it’s wise to save, noting
that “the foolish man spends whatever
he gets.” Doing what the Bible teaches
is one way we show our love for God.
REASONS TO SAVE
Saving also helps children thoughtfully
consider what to buy and diminishes
the possibility of impulsive spending.
When our kids spend their entire allowance
and then see something else they
want, we can empathize but must hold
firm to the principle that they need to
wait until they get their allowance or
can work for pay. Kids will find that it’s
satisfying to buy something with the
money they’ve saved, and it may
motivate them to take better care
of their purchases.
Guiding children into the habit of
saving also introduces them to realworld
economics. Most things won’t be
freely given to them in life; they have
to earn them. Teach them now that the
wise approach is to wait until they’ve
saved enough money before buying
something.
DELAYED GRATIFICATION
It’s easier to teach children to save
by encouraging them to develop
attainable goals for things that don’t
take too long to save for—perhaps a
book or inexpensive toy. As they get
older, have them begin to save for
bigger expenses, such as a bike or
skateboard.
To make it easier to save for more
expensive goals, encourage children
to draw or cut out a picture of what
they’re saving for. Have them create a
financial goal “thermometer.” Instead
of degrees of temperature, make the
tick marks be financial milestones with
the total at the top. Have them color it
in as they make progress.
LITTLE STEPS,
LIFELONG IMPACT
Teaching a child to save might not
seem like a big deal—but it is. Not having
enough money is a stressful way to
live. Think about that the next time you
see your child putting 10 cents of every
dollar into his savings jar. Imagine his
future marriage and the peace of mind
he and his wife will enjoy by living
with margin.
Think also about how God cares
enough about maintaining a reserve
to include instruction about it in His
Word. So, let’s teach our kids to save,
cheer them on when they do and
help them see that it’s part of what it
means to follow God. Then one day, if
they decide to give away all their savings
because they see a need and feel
compelled to help meet it, let’s cheer
them on all the more. Thank God that
our kids are learning not just biblical
financial principles; they’re developing
hearts for Jesus. •
Matt Bell is a personal finance writer, national
speaker and managing editor at Sound Mind
Investing. This article is partially adapted from
Trusted: Preparing your kids for a lifetime of
God-honoring money management, a
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family book published by
Tyndale House Publishers.

KIDS & TEENS / ADVOCACY
U N W A
N T E D
My journey from street kid
to fostering kids
BY PETER MUTABAZI
Peter Mutabazi
PHOTOS COURTESY OF PETER MUTABAZI
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

ADVOCACY / KIDS & TEENS
I DIDN’T HAVE A NAME
until I was 2 years old. During the time
period when I was born in Uganda,
most babies born to poor families
weren’t given names because they
didn’t live past their second birthdays.
When I did, my mother gave me
the name Peter Habyarimana. To my
mother, I was a gift given from God.
But my father didn’t see me that way.
I can’t remember a kind word from him.
All I heard was “Peter, you will never
amount to anything,” and “I wish you
had never been born so I wouldn’t
have to feed you.” It’s hard to hear those
words every day and not lose hope or
dreams for a better life.
I grew up hungry, walking 3 to 4
miles a day for drinking water and
helping my mother grow crops to feed
our family in a small village near the
Rwandan border. And I did all of it on
an empty stomach most days. When
we did eat, it was usually potatoes and
beans—day in and day out, month
after month. Christmas and Easter
were the only times there were different
foods on the table.
At age 10, I was convinced my dad
would take my life. So I ran away, not
looking for a better life, but because
I knew my life would end. I didn’t want
my father to be the one who ended it.
I had never been more than 20 miles
away from home, yet I ended up more
than 300 miles away in Kampala, the
capital of Uganda. I wanted to put as
much distance between my father
and me as possible. Eventually, I even
changed my surname. >>>
Peter’s childhood home in Uganda.
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41

KIDS & TEENS / ADVOCACY
Peter as an older teen
Living on the streets
In Kampala, I realized I could live as a street kid, finding family
among the many other children who survived by stealing
food, eating out of garbage bins and sleeping under bridges
and buildings. I lived like this for nearly five years, going by the
name Habi, until someone who cared finally asked me
my name.
A stranger named James noticed me—a young man with
no education but lots of street smarts—and saw potential in
me. He enrolled me in boarding school, paying the fee on my
behalf. There, I not only was able to attend school but also had
regular meals and a place to sleep.
Finally I had a future. I also discovered that God loved me.
Eventually I put my faith in Jesus and my future in His hands.
It took a post-genocide trip to Rwanda with a relief organization—and
seeing what hatred can do—to bring me to the point
of forgiving my father.
Peter’s first visit to England
I wanted to help
children just as
I had been helped,
but the door
seemed closed.
Stepping into a new life
I did well in school, completing high school and moving on to
university in Uganda, where I studied business administration
and worked for a variety of international relief agencies.
I later attended university in the United Kingdom, eventually
applying for and receiving a scholarship to study in the United
States at The Master’s University in California. When I arrived in
the States, I struggled with my faith because of the things I saw.
So much food was thrown away, yet I knew that many kids in
my own village would lose their lives because they didn’t have
a bowl of beans. I could not understand God’s love or why He
allowed these things.
With my international experience and understanding of a
variety of cultures, I soon found a niche that involved traveling
with families who were adopting internationally. The couples
were always white, leading me to think that I—a single black
man—wouldn’t be able to adopt or become a foster parent,
one of the dreams I had for my life. I wanted to help children
just as I had been helped, but the door seemed closed.
When I was in Ethiopia, I asked if it was possible for me to
adopt. They told me that I had to be American or European
and that only single women, not men, were allowed to adopt. I
wasn’t an American citizen at the time, so I knew there was no
chance.
While working as an advocate for vulnerable children in the
U.S. and internationally, I learned more about the foster care
process and the deep needs of children who enter care. This,
I decided, was truly my calling. I took to heart Luke 12:48:
“Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be
required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they
will demand the more.”
42
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

ADVOCACY / KIDS & TEENS
Children do best when
raised by a mom and a dad
in a stable home. However,
when that ideal isn’t realized,
single individuals can
play an important role by
stepping in to serve as foster
and adoptive parents
for vulnerable children.
Peter at home in Charlotte, North Carolina
Living out God’s calling
I thought I couldn’t be a foster parent as a single man,
but I could be a mentor to children in need. So I embarked
on that path, reaching out through agencies to help
guide children who were experiencing the worst that
life can offer.
I worked closely with social workers, one of whom
asked if I might be interested in becoming a foster dad.
“I want to, but I can’t,” I told this person. The social
worker was surprised and let me know that I could be a
foster parent.
I signed up that day, and five months later I was
licensed and had my first placement. Since then I’ve had
close to 30 foster children. In 2019, I became a U.S. citizen
and adopted a son. I also have a teen foster son who aged
out of the system.
My second foster child was the blondest kid I have ever
seen; I figured that he must be at the wrong house. But
that placement was when I knew I was to foster any child
who needed a safe and loving home.
The journey hasn’t been without struggles. As a single
black man with white children in my care, I have faced
additional scrutiny, and biological parents have protested
having their children placed with me.
The looks people have given me at the grocery store,
park, school and hospital were unexpected, but I learned
quickly how to stand up to that. It’s been fun to watch
birth parents take a U-turn and begin embracing me as a
dad, healing the racial differences or biases toward me.
Healing the past
Becoming a foster dad has also brought healing in my life.
As I’ve helped children face their trauma, I’ve found healing
from my own. Little did I know I’d have to revisit my
childhood as a foster dad. Let’s just say these kids really
knew which buttons to push, and I’m glad I found ways to
use my past to help them heal.
Watching many of my foster kids’ biological parents
reminded me of my own abusive father and what I experienced
on the streets of Kampala. I disliked having
anything to do with these parents, but as I learned about
their backgrounds and what caused them to lose custody
of their kids, I realized that I had to be their ally, not their
enemy. >>>
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43

KIDS & TEENS / ADVOCACY
It wasn’t easy, but in time I began to build bridges in these
relationships. Since then, it’s been the most amazing thing
to see moms getting their kids back. I feel like I’ve gained
extended families through it all.
Embracing the challenges
It’s a joy and a challenge being a single foster dad. Challenges
come with not having another adult in the home to help process
what I see and hear from the children, or someone to stay
with the kids while I run to the store for milk and eggs. I’m the
sole chauffeur to school and appointments, the sole chef and
the sole caregiver and counselor.
But would I change a thing? Absolutely not. It hasn’t been
easy, but it was the best decision of my life. I can’t wait to foster
more children, and I hope to adopt again. •
Peter Mutabazi is an international advocate for children and the founder of
Now I Am Known Foundation, an organization that supplies resources to
encourage children and support teens aging out of foster care. His book by
the same name, Now I Am Known, was released last year.
NOW I AM KNOWN
by Peter Mutabazi with Mark Tabb
Find out more about Peter Mutabazi’s
true story of survival, redemption and
transformation.
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
ESTABLISH A
SUPPORT SYSTEM.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE.
Fostering
Tips
As my kids dealt with their trauma,
I needed to deal with my own.
Make sure you have a system of
friends, family and mental health
and physical health professionals in
place to support you.
Other foster parents truly understand
your calling and can recognize trauma
behaviors—but many other people can’t.
Surround yourself with those who understand
you and what your foster children
are facing.
Foster parents can’t be entirely
prepared for the journey they
have undertaken. But here’s what
I’ve learned along the way:
ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Children may not respond as you
did as a child, or even the way
other kids from the same home
do. For example, while you may
have been trained to express gratitude,
these children may have no
idea what gratitude is. Realize that
all children are different, and adjust
your expectations accordingly.
PREPARE YOUR MIND AND HEART
FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW
YOU AND DON’T SUPPORT YOUR
DECISION TO BE A FOSTER PARENT.
The police have been called on me seven
times because I’m a black man who has
white and black children with me. I’ve
endured harsh comments in person and
on social media. I’ve learned how to
respond to doubters, the ignorant and the
obnoxious, as well as those who truly want
to learn more. Be ready for all of it.
—PM
CREDIT TK
44
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

MEDIA DISCERNMENT / KIDS & TEENS
ILLUMINATION ENTERTAINMENT; MARVEL ENTERTAINMENT; WALT DISNEY PICTURES
MAKING SENSE OF
MOVIE AND MEDIA
RATINGS
BY ADAM HOLZ
I’M OFTEN ASKED about the difference
between ratings for movies, TV shows,
video games and music. While many
people expect that ratings across entertainment
genres work the same way, they don’t.
The Motion Picture Association uses
a parental group that rates theatrically
released movies. While there’s some subjectivity,
they have many objective guidelines
for specific kinds of content. A PG-13
movie, for instance, can have one or two
f-words. Three f-words puts it in R-rated territory.
When it comes to video games, the
Entertainment Software Rating Board also
uses an independent rating panel.
By comparison, TV ratings are generated
differently. Television programs are
self-rated by their production companies.
Netflix’s “Stranger Things” has a TV-14 rating,
for example, because that’s what Netflix
chose. The same is true in the music industry.
The need for a “Parental Advisory:
Explicit Content” label affixed to graphic
music is determined by the record company.
You can see, then, that not all rating systems
are created equal. None are perfect but,
theoretically speaking, the movie and videogame
rating boards should be less biased
and more consistent than their television
and music peers.
As for the rating terms themselves, a general
rule of thumb is that a TV-MA television
show or an M (MATURE 17+) video game
potentially includes the same levels of sexual
imagery, profanity or violence that you
might see in an R-rated movie. But whether
they’re externally or self-generated, remember
that ratings alone are not a definitive
source for deciding what’s appropriate for
your family. •
Adam Holz is the director of Plugged In. He and his
wife, Jennifer, have three children.
UPCOMING REVIEWS
For reviews of these and other titles, visit PluggedIn.com,
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s media review and discernment website.
GUARDIANS
OF THE GALAXY
VOL. 3
Do Peter and Gamora
rekindle their stretchedacross-time
relationship?
Scheduled
release:
May 5
THE LITTLE
MERMAID
Will Disney continue
the trend of inserting
questionable content into
its live-action remakes?
Scheduled
release:
May 26
THE SUPER MARIO
BROS. MOVIE
Can Nintendo’s mushroomhopping
plumber jump
his way from video-game
consoles to big-screen
success?
Scheduled
release:
April 7
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
Gardens
& flowers
Carra, 7
Planting pansies
in the garden is a
happy thing.
—April from Tennessee
Your kids could be in
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
Email photos* of your child’s Easter
celebration or their messy faces. (Put “Easter”
or “Messy” in the subject line.)
Send to: info@fotf.ca
* Largest photo possible.
Professional photos are not accepted.
Judah, 4
Our son sings
while cutting
chard, kale and
basil to make
his favorite
pesto sauce.
—Solange
from Hawaii
Emma, 8
Our daughter plants her
first radish seeds in our
community garden.
—Inga from South Carolina
Charlie, 9, Ruby, 7, and Barrett, 3
Picking carrots in Grandma’s
garden is special fun!
—Becky from California
Iris, 6
Our daughter
focuses intently
on planting
strawberries.
—April from Tennessee
ELENABSLADOBESTOCK
46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023

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Shop with confidence
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada
Today there are many ways to shop for
faith‐building resources for your family.
And yet, when you consider purchasing
an item, the same questions resurface:
Is the author offering a biblically based perspective?
Would a counsellor consider it sound advice?
Will the content engage your kids?
When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada,
you can be sure about the resources we’re offering.
We stand behind the items we sell, because
they have been approved by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
staff for excellent content that's in line with
God's Word.
Shop online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or shop by phone at 1.800.661.9800