Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2023

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
misreading your spouse
How false assumptions may
be hurting your marriage
BY JILL SAVAGE | ILLUSTRATION BY HAO HAO
MY HUSBAND AND I were sitting
on the porch chatting about future
plans. I mentioned an idea to him, and
he started asking questions. Lots and
lots of questions. He also mentioned
being nervous about some things I
suggested. I immediately concluded
that he was closed to the idea, and I
told him to just drop it. But I’m glad he
didn’t, because I soon realized that I
had made some wrong assumptions.
When Mark expresses apprehension
about my ideas or suggestions, I too
easily conclude that he’s unwilling to
do something new. But what he’s really
doing is processing his thoughts and
feelings externally. He’s not saying he’s
unwilling to do something new; he just
needs to talk through it. As an internal
processor, I don’t usually do that. And
because of our processing differences,
I tend to assign the wrong meaning to
his responses and jump to the wrong
conclusions.
Each of us sees the world through
the lens of our own experiences, history,
temperament, personality and
family of origin. We interpret our
spouses’ words and body language
through those lenses as well.
The problem is that we tend to misread,
misinterpret or misunderstand
what our spouses say or do. We may
take things personally and become
offended when, more often than not,
we misinterpreted what they meant.
Wrong assumptions and mistaken perceptions
can increase the conflict in
our marriages and lead to arguments
that damage our relationships.
So how can we curb the tendency
to take things the wrong way? Let’s
explore some practical ways we can
stop wrong assumptions in their tracks.
Pay attention
to perceptions
One important way we can correct
wrong assumptions is by paying attention
to our thoughts and perceptions.
Whenever you catch yourself making
an assumption about something your
spouse says or does, ask yourself, Is
this perception accurate?
For many years of our marriage, I
rarely expressed emotion or processed
grief. This had everything to do with
learning to avoid emotions in my family
of origin, but Mark took it to mean that
I didn’t need him. Instead of understanding
that my lack of vulnerability
reflected my childhood experiences, he
interpreted it as rejecting him.
One friend shared with me that she
often misread her husband’s quietness
as anger. When she dug into this perception
with a counselor, she began
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
APRIL / MAY 2023