Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2021

DREAMING OF
MOTHERHOOD
Helping Families Thrive in Christ
APRIL / MAY 2021
Canada
JERRY JENKINS’
NEW BOOK
SERIES
which
Generation
has
the Best Marriages?
pg. 12

April / May
Contents
Couples
Faith & Inspiration
Kids & Teens
11 SKIPPING SCREEN TIME
A marriage insight from
Arlene Pellicane
21 GOD’S LOVE AND FORGIVENESS
A reflection from Phil Stacey
as told to Ann Byle
31 OUR CHOICE TO LOVE
A parenting tip from
Rob and Amy Ames
Finding Hope for Your
Hurting Marriage
video series
Dr. Gary Chapman is best known for his book The Five Love Languages,
but his decades of work as a marriage counsellor have also enabled him to
provide hope to even the most hurting marriages. In this six-part video series,
he speaks to those couples who feel hopeless.
Dr. Chapman addresses the necessity of living in reality, our emotional
needs, depression, control, abuse and infidelity. In each video, he provides
practical, godly advice for couples who feel all is lost.
12 WHICH GENERATION HAS
THE BEST MARRIAGES?
And what couples can learn
from each other to win in their
own relationships
by Haydn Shaw
17 WHEN YOUR LOVED ONE HURTS
Taking back your marriage
from chronic pain
by Ginger Kolbaba
22 SCARLETT’S ARRIVAL
A healing gift of hope amid
the gravity of grief
by W. Lee Warren
27 BRINGING THE GOSPEL TO LIFE
Revisit Dallas Jenkins’ “The Chosen”
TV series through a new novel by
bestselling author Jerry B. Jenkins
by Brittany Raymer
In Every
Issue
4 A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
10 MEDIA
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
32 SAYING YES TO GOD’S NUDGE
We thought adopting children with
Down syndrome would be a burden,
but it was one of our greatest
blessings
by Heather Avis
34 THE FIVE SENSES OF CONNECTION
Creating sensory experiences to
strengthen your relationship with
your kids
by Ted Stackpole
38 DREAMING OF MOTHERHOOD
Lorie had given up on her desire to
be a parent, but that was before she
met Natalie
by Thomas Jeffries
41 REDRAWING BOUNDARIES
Know when it’s time to affirm your
kids as adults
by Dr. Henry Cloud
44 BE A GIFT TO YOUR GRANDKIDS
And enjoy the unique role
you play in their lives
by Bruce Gordon
Sign up for this free video series today.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca / HopeForYourMarriage
FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
April / May 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
sharing the
good news
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus canada interim president Bob Cheatley
editorial director Sheila Seifert
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
copy chief Scott DeNicola
Bob Cheatley is interim
president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family Canada
HE IS RISEN! These are the wonderful
words of Easter—the high point of the
Christian year when Jesus defeated the
grave and made a way for all who believe in
him to have eternal life. But Easter is more
than just an annual day of remembrance
for those who follow Jesus. We are an Easter
people and we live our lives in the wonder
and power of the resurrection.
We are in the 50-day season of Easter.
Just as Good Friday and Easter were events
that divinely coincided with the Feast
of Passover, the coming of the promised
Holy Spirit occurred at the Feast of Pentecost, those 50
days later. During the first 40 days after his resurrection,
Jesus appeared to his disciples on various occasions that
are recorded in Scripture and even appeared once to 500
people. Jesus wanted everyone in Jerusalem to know that
he was alive. Before he was taken up to heaven, as recorded
in Acts 1, he commissioned his disciples to be his witnesses
and take the Good News everywhere, even to the ends of
the earth. We who are Christ-followers have been given that
same commission as well.
We are an Easter people. We have Good News to share.
God did not leave us powerless. After ten days of prayer
in the upper room, the Holy Spirit fell upon the newborn
church so that believers were enabled to witness, not by the
strength of human persuasion, but in the power of the Spirit.
As followers of Christ our lives are our most important
witness to the resurrection of Jesus and our faith in him.
When we have an opportunity to share our faith with
others, God the Holy Spirit will supply the words we need
and will prepare the hearts of our hearers. So, let us always
be ready to give an account for the hope that we have
in Jesus (1 Peter 3:15). I hope this issue of the magazine
provides you with further encouragement and insights into
how to live out your faith in your marriage, as a parent, and
as a brother or sister of Christ.
May you live in the joy of Easter this season and all
through the year. Our lives proclaim the Gospel. The Lord is
risen indeed!
Bob Cheatley
SHANNON-MAY PHOTOGRAPHY
contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance
Fry, Jennifer Lonas, Thomas Jeffries,
Marianne Hering and Jeff Masching
art director Brian Mellema
designer Anneka Jack
cover The Beautiful Mess Photography
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
print production Gail Wise
circulation Sandy Grivy
Thank you!
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and
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<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine April /May 2021, Vol. 6,
No. 2 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2021 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. All
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Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry
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ANNEKA JACK / FOTF
His Sheep
Easter is a good time to remind children what it means that Christ is
the Lamb of God, but these lessons are valuable to remember all year
long. Last year I cut out two paper lambs for each of my children and
made the wooly coats using white curled strips of paper. I cut a white
piece of paper into half-inch-wide strips, making sure they were long
enough to write a word or two on each one.
For the first lamb, I wrote one attribute of the Lamb of God on each
strip using the names of Christ: King of kings, Redeemer, Savior. On
the strips for the second lamb, I wrote one attribute we should show
as God’s children—His sheep—using the qualities of love mentioned
in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Then I wrapped the strips around a pencil to
form a curl.
My children and I talked about what those names of God mean and
about how we’re to act as children of God, His sheep. I also marked the
good deeds my kids accomplished by adding fluffy cotton balls to their
lambs when they showed a little-lamb attribute.
—Joan Leotta
4 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY April / May 2021
April / May 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5

WALKING THROUGH HOLY WEEK / 2017 / 1
Anything in this .25inch zone is not guaranteed safe from being trimmed off.
HACKS & FACTS / GOOD FRIDAY
ANXIETY / HACKS & FACTS
SAFETY VIOLATION ZONE copy in this zone not safe per trim variance (.25 inch).
A Good Friday Plate
Our family enjoys a symbolic lunch on Good
Friday. As we start the meal, my husband and I
explain that each part of the lunch stands for an
aspect of the final day when Christ suffered and
died. Each type of food is on a different plate.
When it’s time for a certain food, we pass around
the plate and everyone takes an item. As the
plate goes around, we read the corresponding
Scripture.
We have a moment of silence and reflection
after announcing the death of Jesus.
Salt-andvinegar
chips
Jesus was
offered
vinegar.
John
19:28-30
Foil-covered candy
Judas’ pieces of silver
Matthew 26:14-15
Water
Pilate washing his hands
of responsibility for
Jesus’ death
Matthew 27:24-25
Bring the Easter story
to life for your kids
—Beth Runkle
Hershey’s Kiss
Judas’
betrayal kiss
Luke 22:47-48
AD FPO
Chicken
Peter’s denial
Luke 22:55-62
Full Page
TRIM: 7.75 x 10.5 inch
Pretzel stick cross
The Crucifixion
John 19:17-19
Olives
Jesus’ agony on the
Mount of Olives
Luke 22:39-46
Round cracker with peanut
butter and pretzels
Jesus’ crown of thorns
John 19:1-3
Free download
Getting kids to do their chores can be a
tiresome, ongoing battle. Yet kids do need
to learn the important life skills that chores
can teach – life skills like responsibility and
self-discipline.
We have some creative
solutions to help get your
kids on board with helping
out around your home!
Toothpick with cheese
The sword at Jesus’ arrest
Luke 22:49-53
Access your free,
Looking 21-page for download more at
Easter-related activities?
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ChoreWars
Download “Walking Through Holy Week.” This free download is filled with
activities and games to help your children better understand Christ’s death
and resurrection, and what these events mean for them and a lost world.
ANNEKA JACK / FOTF
ANNEKA JACK / FOTF
Heavy Questions
When one of our kids asks a particularly heavy
question or comes to us with a worry that isn’t age
appropriate, we avoid answering it for a bit and
instead ask for their help moving a big object such
as a packed suitcase or the sofa. Of course, our kids
aren’t able to move the object. Then we come back
to their question or worry and assure them that we,
and God, will carry it for them until they get a bit
bigger and stronger. This has worked well to comfort
our kids and reassure them that they don’t need to be
responsible for these burdens.
7%
of children ages
3 to 17 have anxiety.
estimate by Journal of Pediatrics, 2019
—Julia Springman
Putting Worries
Into Words
When the COVID-19 pandemic began, my daughter
worried about the safety of her friends, her teacher
and herself. If there was something to worry about,
she worried. So we began a journal. Each night
before bed, I encouraged her to record any worries in
the journal. This gave us the opportunity to talk about
any concerns she had and helped her put her worries
into words. As she wrote (or drew) in her journal, it
helped me understand what was making her nervous
so we could create a plan to alleviate it or cope with
it. Since then we’ve continued to use the journal to
alleviate other worries.
—Autumn Shaffer
Conquering Their Fears
When helping my kids face their fears, I first
acknowledge their fear, and then we try to get to
the root of it together. I validate my child’s feelings,
recognizing aloud the power these emotions can
hold in his or her mind. Then we ask Jesus to remove
the fear. This way my children learn the importance
and power of prayer.
Next, I assign a “faith truth” to each feeling they
express. For each fear, we find related Bible verses
and write them down. For example, when fear says
my family is in danger, my faith truth says that God
is our protector (Psalm 91). When fear says we won’t
have enough, my faith truth says that God is our provider
(Philippians 4:19). We’ve memorized Psalm 56:3,
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
—Rachel Price
Find the download at <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Easter.
© 2015 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Daily activities • Recipes • Scavenger Hunt
Seder Meal • Games • puzzles
April / May 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / FLEXIBILITY
FLEXIBILITY / HACKS & FACTS
Curb the Meltdown
When we’re faced with unexpected changes to our schedule,
I offer my toddlers something positive to look forward to.
I say, “We can’t do that right now, but we can do it later.” I offer
to play a fun game or do their favorite activity at a later time.
Talking about the fun thing they get to do satisfies them. Then
I follow through when it’s physically possible.
We also practice saying, “Not a big deal.” I use a calm, quiet
voice and shrug my shoulders for emphasis. Now when we say,
“Not a big deal,” my 3-year-old says it, too. It helps set a positive
tone, curbing meltdowns before they happen.
FOMO
I often suffered from FOMO—Fear of Missing
Out—and didn’t want my kids to be the same.
I began preparing them for potential disappointment
with quick comments, such as “The ice
cream shop could be closed, so if it is, we can
pick out our favorite flavor at the grocery store!”
Or if we’re in a hurry and the traffic lights are red,
we imagine how green lights could be a blessing
to those on the other side of the intersection. We
use our imaginations to come up with Plan B or C
when opportunities fall through.
—Jenny Nanninga
—Briana Burchett
To Be or Not to Be
. . . Flexible!
During our home-schooling years, our
daughters started their own drama
troupe, which lasted eight years.
Rehearsals took over our living room,
and sets, props and costumes took over
the rest of the house. Since the shows
were mostly original, midnight editing
sessions with our playwright-daughter
the night before auditions became
routine. Switching roles when someone
dropped out went with the territory.
Someone calling me to fix costumes
between scenes on opening night was
almost expected.
Encouraging my daughters to be
involved in theater productions allowed
them to learn that flexibility is an everyday
word. I helped our daughters
embrace flexibility as problems arose for
them and other troupe members. For
example, I might say:
“You didn’t get the role you wanted?
Doing this smaller role also allows you
to be the stage manager.”
“You don’t have the shoes required for
the show? Use shoe polish to change
your white ones to black.”
And my favorite: “If your microphone
cuts out, remember to project! That
loud voice of yours can be used as an
asset.”
—Cathy Mayfield
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
“We know that for those who
love God all things work
together for good, for those
who are called according to
his purpose.” —Romans 8:28
Dealing With Disappointment
When something doesn’t go the way we plan, I ask my three boys,
“Who can remember a time when God rearranged our plans and
worked it for our good?” Then I remind them of the principle in
Romans 8:28, and because they’re competitive, we typically end
up with not one, but three examples of times when things worked
out better than we planned. This activity helps to settle all of us,
and it also gives me practical insight as a mom about how my kids
understand God working in their lives.
—Joanna Sanders
Offer Some
Control
Don’t even think about rearranging my
10-year-old son’s LEGOs. His middle
name is routine, and responsibility is his
game.
These traits occasionally caused conflict
when other families came over to
visit and the children were let loose to
play. My husband and I knew our son
needed to learn how to be more flexible.
Now before company arrives, we
challenge him to love others like Jesus
loves us. We ask him to give, share and
care, even when it’s hard. Then we ask,
“What are two prized possessions that
you want to store away when other kids
come around?” Last time he chose his
favorite stuffed animal and his 1,200-
piece Star Wars-themed LEGO set.
Having a small amount of control
over an otherwise uncontrollable
situation helps him maintain some
flexibility—even if it doesn’t come
naturally.
—Jessie Mattis
Easing the Anger
Our 4-year-old son once bashed a hole
in a wooden door with a broom after I
locked his toys away. To help him learn
how to respond better when things
didn’t go his way, we taught him to “sniff
the roses, and blow out the candles”
when his frustrations overwhelmed his
judgment. Now, if he gets frustrated, he
takes a deep breath through his nose
and blows it out through his mouth.
The imagery of roses and candles
makes him laugh a little, relax a little and
adjust enough to move on.
—Melinda Schaefer
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2021
April / May 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

MEDIA / PLUGGED IN
UPCOMING
REVIEWS
For reviews of these and other
titles, visit PluggedIn.ca, <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family’s media review and
discernment website.
Couples
My child is really interested in
esports, but I’m not even sure what
they are. Can you help me understand
this trend?
Great question! In a nutshell,
esports involve either playing video
games competitively or, more likely,
watching video streams of others playing.
You may wonder, How many people watch
other people play video games? The answer:
More than you might think. The most-viewed
tournament of 2020, a competition involving
the popular online video game League of
Legends, drew 1.1 million viewers. The prize
money won at these events stretches into the
millions. And there’s the staggering amount
of esports wagering, which has become a
multibillion-dollar industry.
Esports are streamed on various online
platforms, with Twitch being the most popular.
Fans may focus on one competitor or on
an organized tournament.
Speaking of which, high schools and colleges
increasingly offer esports teams, too.
Just like traditional sports such as football
and basketball, these teams serve as potential
springboards to professional teams or collegiate
scholarships.
That may sound appealing to a young
gamer dreaming of becoming an esports star.
But for every player who makes it big, there
are myriad others who never get anywhere
close to achieving that dream. Then there are
considerations about the time drain and the
inherent content problems (violence, graphic
imagery, language) of some games.
And, as with all online interests, parents
would do well to set boundaries, ask questions
to understand a child’s interest, and
help establish realistic expectations regarding
the allure of this growing arena.
GODZILLA VS.
KONG
How much CGI violence can
we expect when monsters
collide?
Scheduled release: March 26
CRUELLA
Are kids curious about the backstory of
Disney’s fur-loving villain?
Scheduled release: May 28
“LOKI”
Does Marvel’s
notorious trickster
have any redeeming
qualities?
Scheduled release:
May 2021
(TOP TO BOTTOM) LEGENDARY PICTURES AND WARNER BROS PICTURES; MARVEL STUDIOS; DISNEY
PHOTO COURTESY OF DANIEL HOFFMA
skipping
screen time
A marriage insight
from Arlene Pellicane
Arlene and James Pellicane
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED more than 22 years ago, my
husband, James, had a strange request. “For our first month as husband
and wife, could we skip watching television?”
This was a big deal to me because not only did I love watching TV,
but I also worked in the industry. However, I agreed, and the experiment
worked. We felt closer to each other without the constant hum
of technology.
Since we didn’t want to get sucked back into watching TV every
night, we decided not to subscribe to cable at first and only had a
huge TV set with rabbit ears that got three channels. We used a VCR
and then moved up to a DVD player.
Using older technology that isn’t bottomless like the apps we can
subscribe to today was actually helpful. There was a start and end to
the entertainment.
Today we have upgraded to a flat screen TV, but it remains off
for most of the day. And when we watch something, we watch it
together. •
Arlene Pellicane is an author of many books and hosts the “Happy Home” podcast.
She co-authored two recent books with Dr. Gary Chapman, Screen Kids and
Grandparenting Screen Kids.
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / May 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

COUPLES / STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES
STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES / COUPLES
WHICH
GENERATION
HAS THE BEST
MARRIAGES?
And what couples can learn
from each other to win in
their own relationships
BY HAYDN SHAW
I THOUGHT THE PHONE
CALL WAS A PRACTICAL
JOKE. A production company
wanted a generational “expert” to
host a television show where four
couples of different generations,
each struggling in their marriages,
would live in a house for a
week. They would cook or go places
together each day and then discuss
the problems they saw in the other
marriages. As the expert, I would
comment on how the different generations
see things. Then at the end,
they would share what they had
learned about their marriage from
the others.
A couple of screen tests proved
it wasn’t a joke, but my high school
and college-aged kids told me the
concept was boring, and I, too, did
not expect it to get picked up. But
it did stir their curiosity to know
what each generation expected in
marriage, which ones stayed married
longer and which had the best
relationships.
Learning what the four generations
want from marriage can help
us understand and strengthen our
own and can guide us in the help
we can provide one another. Within
each generation, couples share general
characteristics that may not
apply to every couple within that
generation, so it’s important that
we do not stereotype. That said, let’s
look at each generation.
SONYACHNY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
KUCO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
Traditionalists
born before 1946
TRADITIONALISTS wanted to find a
good match and have a strong family.
If we asked a traditionalist husband
if he was happy when his kids were
small, he might shrug and not consider
the question. Traditionalists
didn’t think about being happy in
marriage because happiness would
not have made any difference. A
husband loved his wife and family,
and they needed him.
Couples in this generation were
expected to have children, with the
wife doing most of the child-rearing
and domestic tasks. They married
younger and in greater numbers.
“Pairs and Spares,” the name some
churches of that era had for their
young adult Sunday school classes,
illustrates that singleness was rare
and usually embarrassing. By 1960,
65% of traditionalists ages 18 to 32
were married. (Compared to 26% of
millennials in 2013 who were married
by those same ages.)
Divorce was not socially acceptable,
even though the later
traditionalists divorced more and
had fewer children.
What traditionalists
can learn and teach
Traditionalist marriages teach the other generations that “Am I
happy?” is not the main point of marriage; fidelity is. My traditionalist
grandmother would say, “Kids these days give up too
easily. We had a hard decade.” Though some traditionalists were
not happy or fulfilled in their marriages, many grew into love
that brought happiness and fulfillment.
Traditionalists are now in the life stage with the highest marital
satisfaction. But they can still learn from younger couples about
the new rules of negotiation if they run into challenges. >>>
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

WHAT DOES IT
MEAN TO
YOUR SPOUSE?
What baby boomers can learn and teach
Baby boomers show the other generations
that high expectations can
motivate us to seek help, but they
can also be a burden. Boomers
divorce more and have been less
happy than other generations.
While younger couples seek older
couples to guide them, high expectations
make baby boomers, who
have struggled in marriage, reluctant
to mentor. That’s unfortunate,
because Gen X, millennials and now
Gen Z respond to authenticity, not
perfection. Boomers need to tell stories
about couples who waited to
have sex until marriage and never
wavered in their commitment so
millennials can see it is possible.
And divorced people can lay out the
pitfalls with authenticity: “If I could
STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES / COUPLES
do it all over again . . .” can be powerful
as well.
The changing times can be an
encouragement for those boomers
contemplating a “gray wave” divorce:
Marriage isn’t the norm or expectation
it was 30 years ago. Seeing the
example of younger couples choosing
marriage could encourage older
couples who are in a rough patch.
Generation X
born between 1965 and 1980
find out in this free
cherish your spouse
video series with
gary thomas!
focusonthefamily.ca
/cherish
Baby Boomers
born between 1946 and 1964
BABY BOOMERS shifted their
expectations of marriage. They
looked for a soul mate who would
provide satisfying sex and accept
them for who they were. Much of
’70s music and movies are about
understanding and accepting each
other. The movie Love Story raised
the expectations impossibly high
with the famous line, “Love means
never having to say you’re sorry.”
Baby boomers talked openly
about what traditionalists kept private.
The biggest-selling fiction
writer of the time, Agatha Christie,
described the new emphasis on
sex during the boomer era that was
so different from that of her traditionalist
generation: “Sex as a word
had not been mentioned in Miss
Marple’s young days, but there had
been plenty of it—not talked about
so much—but enjoyed far more than
nowadays, or so it seemed to her.”
One byproduct of their focus on
self-fulfillment is that baby boomers
were nine times more likely than
traditionalists to seek counseling.
The arguments traditionalists would
have behind closed doors, baby
boomers did in front of the children,
as well as their therapist.
The expectations of baby boomers
led to a jump in divorces. During
the ’70s, the divorce rate doubled
and then began to decline in 1980.
Currently baby boomers divorce at
twice the rate of traditionalists.
KUCO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
BILLIONPHOTOS.COM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
WHEN GENERATION Xers saw the divorce rate
double, it made them more skeptical about marriage,
but it also motivated them not to put their
children through divorce. Their desire to avoid a
breakup, as well as weather the economic ups and
downs, caused them to marry and have children
later, often cohabitating first.
Gen X was the first generation that saw more
women than men graduate from college. Dual
careers rather than dual jobs made them the first
generation to juggle family and work in the information
economy. It also meant a much greater
demand for work-life balance. Men still did less
childcare and housework than women, but they
did far more than boomer men.
Gen Xers brought realism back to the marriage
vows. While boomers wanted it all, Gen
Xers demonstrated that protecting their marriage
required tradeoffs. They redefined success as more
than money and houses. They saw firsthand that
the second marriage was not the magic answer
when they were disappointed with the first one.
They knew marriage was work, and they decided
it was better not to marry than to be unhappy. No
one called their young adult Sunday school class
Pairs and Spares anymore.
What Gen Xers can learn and teach
Because Gen Xers expect marriage to have hard spots, they have
made it easier for all generations to ask for help. My wife is typical.
If she and I have been arguing off and on about something
for a couple of months, she will say, “Let’s call Tim. I know we’ll
figure it out, but why take six months for you to realize when he
can tell you right now that you are wrong?” (Yes, she really does
say that, usually with a smile.)
They tend to be independent and can learn from the other
generations to find community, to seek a wider circle of support
than their immediate family and friends. >>>
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15

COUPLES / STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES
RESILIENCE / COUPLES
Millennials
born between 1981 and 1998
MILLENNIALS have a lower divorce
rate than baby boomers or Gen Xers.
They are romantics; they believe in
love and marriage (in that order).
They marry later, which is one of the
reasons millennials have the lowest
divorce rate.
Constant reports that marriage
may not survive the millennials and
Gen Z are inaccurate. While more
than a quarter cohabitate, just over
half of these millennials want to
marry eventually, even among those
cohabitating. Though they postpone
marriage, they do not postpone sex.
Today, the majority in the United
States believe marriage is important
but not essential for a happy life and
for well-balanced children.
That makes the religious young
people who wait for sex incomprehensible
to their friends—not only
because they are virgins, but also
because they understandably marry
four-and-a-half years earlier than
the norm. A young millennial married
at 22 explained: “My peers and I
are very aware that marriage isn’t an
easy fairy tale—we know we have to
put the work in every day. We’re also
very aware that our marriages ought
to display the Gospel, especially now
that we’re viewed as an oddity by
secular culture for getting married in
our early or mid-20s.”
Millennials tend to expect to share
parenting duties and trade off on
“leaning in.” They are the first generation
where almost equal percentages
of husbands and wives desire
demanding jobs. Significantly more
female millennials graduate from
universities than males.
What millennials can learn and teach
This was a typical response when I asked millennial couples what they could
teach other generations: “Hmm . . . that’s tough. I don’t see millennials giving
verbal advice to older couples in the way that an older couple would to a
younger couple. I’ve only been married two years, so my ideas might not be
worth much, but I’ll throw in a few thoughts.”
This reinforces again that millennials will welcome encouragement and
advice, if older couples will help them figure out the challenges of marriage—
for a millennial’s generation instead of their own.
My 30-year-old pastor son said that many older members learned from
their children’s example. They told him that watching their kids during the
COVID-19 pandemic taught them to appreciate the everyday things. Their
millennial children are always trying new recipes and most cook meals at
home. They roast their own coffee and know about the best cheap restaurants.
And they want to spend time together, as a couple and as a family.
Which generation has the best marriages?
If we measure by fewest divorces, traditionalists and millennials
have the best marriages. If we measure by the most children, Gen
X beats the baby boomers. But that question is as unlikely to succeed
as the television show that prompted it. It is more important
that people win at their own marriage—that a relationship has the
grace to make up for imperfections and the love to overcome the
challenges.
Usually that means we win at marriage with the strengths and
challenges of our generation. Because most marry someone within
or near their own generation, many people tend to think that someone
with similar expectations about marriage and family will build a
stronger marriage.
Of the questions the show prompted my children to ask, “Which
generation has the best marriages?” is the most fun—but so what?
“What can each generation learn from the others?” is the question
they talked about the most. Smart kids. That question can make better
marriages. •
Haydn Shaw is a speaker and generational expert. He is the author of Generational IQ.
STANISLAV / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
CREDIT PIKSELSTOCK TK
/ STOCK.ADOBE.COM
when your
loved one hurts
Taking back your marriage
from chronic pain
BY GINGER KOLBABA
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

COUPLES / RESILIENCE
JULIA* WATCHED HER
HUSBAND, Robert, retreat into
the house for the umpteenth time
and felt her frustration rise. She
couldn’t understand why he was
unwilling to help with the yardwork.
She followed him into the house.
“Can you please help me finish
moving the rock pile?” She
stopped. Once again she’d forgotten.
Her strong, healthy, able-bodied
husband of 36 years was now experiencing
intense back pain. Robert
was simply unable to function like
his normally active, strong and outdoorsy
self.
According to the Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention, an
estimated one out of five of adults
suffers from chronic pain, with age
increasing the likelihood. Usually
pain occurs when the body has been
injured, but it should go away once
the body heals. Yet for some, the pain
doesn’t leave, even after healing, and
it may persist for months or even
years, leading to what physicians
diagnose as chronic pain.
If your spouse is struggling with
chronic pain, try these tips for navigating
this new way of life together.
Recognize pain is more
than just physical
When Ardith began experiencing
daily, often debilitating, headaches
nearly seven years into her marriage,
she hoped prayer and medicine
would alleviate them. But when the
headaches continued for months
and then years, making her unable
to do even the simplest of household
chores or, at times, to care for
her young son, she fell into a devastating
cycle. Her chronic pain caused
depression, and the depression
caused more chronic pain.
She recalls, “I felt terrible watching
my husband, Andy, take up the slack
for me or have to constantly cancel
plans he and I had made because I
just couldn’t handle the pain.”
Caregivers need to remember that
a spouse who suffers with chronic
pain is dealing not only with the
physical aspects but also with the
emotional, psychological and even
spiritual components of this journey.
Know that your spouse’s inability
to do what he or she once took for
granted affects his or her sense of
self-worth, too.
“Chronic pain can change a person’s
outlook and ability to see
positive outcomes—especially
because nobody knows how this
elusive pain got started or how it’s
going to eventually turn out,” says
Dr. Lydia Floren, who practices
family medicine with the Mayo
Clinic Health System in Eau Claire,
Wisconsin.
“Many [chronic pain sufferers]
struggle with the ‘why me?’ questions
or blaming God when relief
doesn’t come or giving in to the negative
side of the pain and becoming
hard and critical,” Dr. Floren says.
She strongly recommends that couples
seek help from a professional
Christian counselor who specializes
in dealing with chronic illness and
pain to work through the associated
emotional issues.
Talk honestly and openly
Oftentimes, hurting spouses are
reluctant to admit they’re in pain.
So it’s important to encourage the
hurting spouse to talk honestly and
openly about what he or she is going
through. Living with chronic pain
gives couples the opportunity to
face the challenge together, improving
their communication and even
strengthening their bond.
In many cases, because the cause
of the pain isn’t known, the treatment
is focused not on curing the
root issue but on managing the
pain—finding ways to allow the
hurting spouse to function better
in his or her daily routine. But the
many side effects of pain—being
unable to handle ordinary tasks
or experiencing depression, anxiety
and loss of energy—take their
toll, too.
For Ardith and Andy, who’ve now
been married 41 years, communicating
includes asking multiple times
each day, “How are you feeling?”
That became an especially important
question when, a little more than
a year ago, Andy began suffering
with his own chronic pain, making
it extremely unpleasant to walk.
He had been the main housekeeper
and grocery shopper, and he had to
admit he couldn’t do it any longer.
“We had to be honest with each other
about what we both needed,” Andy
says. So they talked about how they
could continue to serve and care for
each other.
It’s important not to suffer in
silence. If you aren’t used to being
completely candid with each other,
now is the time to work on it. This
is also a great opportunity to begin
praying with each other if you haven’t
before. Andy and Ardith both say
prayer is what helps them communicate
better.
HOW DO WE
HANDLE THE
MEDICAL PART?
Along with chronic pain comes an intimate
relationship with the medical field—
multiple doctors’ appointments, tests,
prescriptions, more tests and setbacks. It
can feel paralyzing and mind-boggling.
Here’s how a caregiver can help:
1
2
CREDIT TK3
Offer grace
“Robert used to be a hobby waiting
to happen. Now he watches television,”
Julia says. “I never imagined
us sitting on the couch in the evenings.”
This once athletic, constantly
active couple now live a more sedentary
lifestyle.
At first, her husband’s debilitating
pain was a shock, and she thought
it would end quickly. Now she realizes
that chronic pain is a long-term
struggle, and the limits it puts on a
marriage take a lot of adjustment.
She says, “It’s about offering grace
and knowing I need to be more
sensitive.”
Julia recognizes this isn’t what her
husband would choose for himself
or their marriage, so she’s learned
to be kinder. She says, “If anything,
this whole experience has exposed
my character flaws and how God still
has a lot of work to do in me!”
For a time, when Andy’s pain was
at its worst, Ardith offered grace by
fixing his meals and serving them to
him in their bedroom. “It’s a give and
take,” she admits.
The couple also understands that
chronic pain controls their abilities.
Ardith’s headaches limit their social
life, so Andy often attends events or
church by himself. >>>
Attend appointments together.
As much as you can, accompany your spouse to medical
appointments so you can both ask questions and make
observations. If going together isn’t possible, write down your
questions or observations to send with your spouse.
Help your spouse monitor prescriptions.
If your spouse is prescribed opioids, consult his or her
physician to see what other drug options are available. With all
medications, monitor how your spouse reacts and keep his or
her physician informed about your concerns.
Research ways to supplement
your medical care.
Other options for pain management include physical and
massage therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic care, relaxation
techniques and nutrition.
—GK
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

COUPLES / RESILIENCE
Faith & Inspiration
God’s
love and
forgiveness
A reflection from
Phil Stacey
AS TOLD TO ANN BYLE
But he refuses to blame Ardith or
feel sorry for himself. Andy says,
“She’s sacrificing, too, by staying
home and being alone instead of
being involved.”
If you’re a caregiver, remember
that you’re on the same side as your
hurting spouse, so determine to
battle chronic pain together. That
means practicing grace, kindness
and patience.
Be careful about
complaining, even in jest
Julia still feels guilty about complaining
that her husband wasn’t
doing his “fair share” that day in
their yard. “I’ve learned a lot since
then,” she says. “How can I complain
when I don’t know what it’s like to
hurt all the time?”
Let’s be honest: It’s difficult to
hold your tongue when faced with
an overwhelming and unwanted life
change. Though complaining may
make you feel better in the moment,
it won’t change your circumstance
and may actually do more harm
than good.
However, that doesn’t mean you
shouldn’t communicate. Rather,
communicate in life-affirming and
marriage-honoring ways instead
of just spouting off frustrations.
Complaining does nothing but cause
anger and add guilt to a spouse who
is already overloaded with physical
and emotional struggles.
<strong>Focus</strong> on places you can compromise
and enjoy the sweet moments
you can have together. For instance,
Robert and Julia now look for television
shows they can watch together.
She admits, “I’m learning to appreciate
shows that make my husband
laugh.”
It’s OK to concede this isn’t what
you signed up for, says Dr. Floren.
It’s a grieving process, so it’s good “to
acknowledge this is the ‘for worse’
part of your marriage vows. Your
feelings are legitimate, but don’t let
them stay there.”
Instead, she recommends finding
things you can be thankful for.
“There’s great power in thanksgiving,”
she says. Remember that God is still
in control, and even in this, He has
a plan for you and for your marriage
(Romans 8:28). Then celebrate small
moments and commit to expressing
love for each other. After all, no
one wants chronic pain to enter a
marriage, but if it does, you and your
spouse can remain a healthy and
loving couple. •
Ginger Kolbaba is a speaker and bestselling
author.
*Some names have been changed.
PIKSELSTOCK / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
PHOTO COURTESY OF PHIL STACEY
I REMEMBER some 20 years ago when
one of my best friends told my wife and me
that she’d had an abortion earlier in her life.
The depth of her emotions revealed how she’d
come to feel about her decision. She knew,
though, that she’d one day meet her child in
heaven. Talking with her helped cement for
me that every life has value.
The potential of the life snuffed out when an
abortion takes place is huge. Yet I want women
who have chosen abortion to know that Jesus
doesn’t stop loving them, that mercy doesn’t
stop reaching them and that Jesus’ grace isn’t
gone because they made that decision. God
loves and forgives and values them. •
Phil Stacey is creative arts pastor of City Center Church
in Lenexa, Kansas, and was a finalist on the sixth season
of “American Idol.” His first album, Phil Stacey, debuted
at No. 8 on Billboard’s Top Country Albums.
Phil Stacey
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21

FAITH & INSPIRATION / WOUNDED HEARTS
WOUNDED HEARTS / FAITH & INSPIRATION
A healing gift of
hope amid the
gravity of grief
BY W. LEE WARREN
ON THE DAY WE BURIED
OUR YOUNGEST SON, our
first grandchild was born.
I’d been in the middle of writing
a book of observations I had
made as a surgeon, while caring
for patients who were in the darkest
hours of dealing with brain
tumors, traumas and other maladies.
I thought I had learned some
things that might help people handle
the strife and pain life brings,
and to find or hold on to their faith
in those stormy seasons.
With my son’s death, suddenly
I was one of those people looking
for answers, raging at God, groping
around in the darkness searching for
something—anything—to hold on to.
We held a service and said goodbye
to Mitch. Friends and family
gathered together holding one
another up against the heavier
gravity of grief.
But we were missing our oldest
daughter, Caity, and our son-in-law,
Nate, as they were a thousand miles
away in Texas.
While we labored to survive the
pain of grief, Caity was laboring
to deliver, her joy and excitement
mixed with the pain of losing her
brother and being unable to gather
with us, or for us to be with her as
we’d planned.
© ROBERT KOHLHUBER / STOCKSY UNITED
Baby Scarlett
A week later my wife, Lisa, and I flew
to San Antonio, almost silent during
the journey because every time we
tried to talk, tears still choked our
voices.
Holding my new, perfect, miraculous
granddaughter was a wholly
different experience from any other
baby I’d ever held, even my own.
Before, it was always me pouring
love and energy into them, amazed
at their flawlessness and giving them
my heart immediately. But in holding
baby Scarlett for the first time, it
felt as if she was donating life to me.
She was giving me something that
had been seeping from my open
wounds since her uncle, whom she’ll
never meet in this lifetime, left us so
unexpectedly 10 days before.
Our week in Texas, and the
months that followed, were a
cacophony of “buts”:
• We had a new grandbaby, but
we’d lost a son.
• We were in love, but we were desperately
grief stricken.
• We loved Scarlett, but we missed
Mitch.
Every smile had a corresponding
tear; every sorrow had a connected
joy.
A pervasive guilt enveloped me
every time I caught myself thinking
only about being a grandfather, and
not about being a father whose son
was gone. It seemed as if it were
somehow an offense to Mitch for me
to have a moment of laughter at the
latest picture or video Caity sent.
Scarlett and Mitch were connected
by all those “buts.”
Life keeps moving
The thing about grief is, most of us
don’t know how to handle it, especially
the first time we experience it.
But life keeps moving on, and soon
we have to get back to work.
As I reinserted myself into my
world of neurosurgery, moving in
and out of the lives of hurting people,
I began to notice something I’d
never seen before: People grieve
when they lose things they thought
they knew.
If I were to sit down with you in
my doctor’s office, look into your
eyes and say, “It’s brain cancer,” the
entire narrative you’ve created for
your life would change by the time
my words trailed off.
You might have been thinking you
knew the gist of your life, but your
dreams and plans didn’t include
chemotherapy, radiation and painful
surgeries. You might have been
thinking about a 30-year mortgage,
but now I’ve told you about a
15-month average survival.
It also happens with trauma
patients, with stroke victims, with
families of people who take their
own lives or succumb to their illness.
They run full force into “but.”
• “Our life was this, but then the
accident happened.”
• “We were supposed to do that
thing, but the biopsy results were
bad.”
• “We had all these plans, but you
died instead.”
Grief also happens in those spaces
between what we thought we knew
and what’s proving to be true. When
instead of paying for your child’s tuition,
you’re swiping your Mastercard
to pay for his burial.
Before I became the father of a
lost son, I thought I was an expert
observer of other people’s troubles.
But as a grieving father, I was forced
to turn my eyes inward and strive
to understand what was happening
to me. I had to focus on finding
my own way ahead and leading my
family forward in the darkness into
which grief had plunged us.
A miracle
As time passed, Scarlett grew, and
the acuity of losing Mitch faded just
enough that we could breathe again.
And a miracle happened: A tiny,
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23

FAITH & INSPIRATION / WOUNDED HEARTS
new from
Adventures in Odyssey
almost imperceptible space formed
between Mitch and Scarlett.
It became possible, in fleeting
moments, to see her apart from him.
To feel the pure joy of her smile and
her laugh. To absorb her love and
give her ours.
When Scarlett was about 2 years
old, she was having anxiety every
night around bedtime. This wasn’t
surprising, since she came into this
world at a time when all the people
around her were enveloped in
tragedy, pain and loss. So, she had
perhaps a more realistic welcome
into life than most infants do: We’re
so glad you’re here, but life’s really
hard.
Caity and Nate said prayers with
her every night, lying in the darkness
with her, comforting her. Caity
had taken to recording the precious
things Scarlett said during those
prayer times. But one voice memo
she sent changed everything for me.
Nate found that Scarlett liked
to be reminded of how loved she
was. So on the recording, we heard
his list: “Mommy loves you. Daddy
loves you. God loves you. Jesus loves
you.” And then, in a quiet, almost
angelic toddler voice, Scarlett said,
“And Mitch loves you.” There was a
long pause. Then Nate replied, “Yes.
Mitch loves you, Scarlett.” Scarlett
never met her uncle Mitch, but in
the darkness, with all the uncertainty
and doubt her little 2-year-old heart
was grappling with, somehow she
found some light in knowing that
Mitch loved her.
No more “buts”
Looking back on those days, it’s
interesting to see the metaphor. As a
family of deep religious faith, we had
a death and a burial, and three days
later we had a resurrection of sorts.
Scarlett burst forth out of our grief,
and although it took time for us to
see it, she would deliver the ability to
turn the “buts” into “ands” again:
• We had lost a son, and we had a
granddaughter.
• We were hopelessly grieved, and
we had inexpressible joy.
• We had doubt that God loved
us, and we had faith in His grace
every time we held Scarlett.
When we lose the things we
think we know, faith can crumble
under the weight of doubt, loss
and pain. When all we can see are
the “buts” tying any possible good
to all we’ve lost, the darkness seems
impenetrable.
But what I’ve learned in the six
years since we lost Mitch is this: It
is possible to find your feet again. It
is possible to see light again in the
laughter of a baby or the glory of a
sunrise or the touch of a loved one’s
hand. It is possible . . . because of
“and.”
“And Mitch loves you.” Scarlett gave
us the “and” we needed.
Whatever life brings you, I can
promise that I’ve seen enough
trauma and tumors and war and all
the other hard things people face in
their lives, that those who survive and
manage to hold on to or find the faith
to keep going have this one thing in
common: They find the “and.”
• You lost your spouse, and you
had a wonderful life together.
• Your doctor gave you bad news,
and there’s a very promising clinical
trial at the cancer treatment
hospital.
• You’re going through this hard
thing, and you’ve got incredible
support from lots of people who
love you.
Scarlett is 6 now. She’s perfect and
precocious, and she calls me Pop.
Not long ago, she asked me to tell
her about Uncle Mitch. And I did.
She smiled when I told her how
funny he was, how smart and kind
and loving.
She asked me if he was in heaven,
and I said yes.
Then she hugged me and gave
me a kiss and fell asleep in my lap
right after I said, “Pop loves you, and
Mitch loves you.” •
W. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon and combat
veteran. His most recent book is I’ve Seen
the End of You: A neurosurgeon’s look at faith,
doubt, and the things we think we know.
© ROBERT KOHLHUBER / STOCKSY UNITED
Adventures in Odyssey #70:
Finding a Way
Everyone’s a suspect in Odyssey! Connie’s
car is stolen, but who could be the culprit?
Emily’s busy solving her own mystery:
she’s been falsely accused of a crime too!
Meanwhile, Wyatt pulled a crazy stunt that
sent him to hospital – but why? Uncover
the truth amid lessons about fear, true
heroism and new beginnings in six all-new
stories from Odyssey. Ages 8+
Order today at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800
Looking for more faith-building fun?
Sign your kids up for the Adventures in Odyssey Club!
For just $9.99 US per month kids get online access to:
• over 900 Adventures in Odyssey episodes
• daily devotions
• exclusive, members-only stories
• monthly documentaries and more!
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
Sign kids up today at AIOClub.org

explore
the bible
like never
before
familiar bible passages have richer
meaning than you ever imagined!
Join historian Ray Vander Laan on a tour of
biblical sites in the Middle East and be astounded
by what you learn at each location.
Through the DVD-based study series That the
World May Know, you’ll visit the landscapes
Jesus and the apostles walked, and hear
fascinating details from history, archaeology and
ancient cultures that bring new depth to your
understanding of Scripture.
From an ancient land, you’ll learn startling new
lessons for your life today!
Discover
the whole
16-DVD
series!
Order online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ThatTheWorld
or call 1.800.661.9800
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
BRINGING THE
GOSPEL TO LIFE
Revisit Dallas Jenkins’ “The Chosen” TV
series through a new novel by bestselling
author Jerry B. Jenkins
BY BRITTANY RAYMER
WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE
to live in Jesus’ time? To actually
meet Him and interact with the
apostles? How would that experience
shape your feelings about
Scripture and the power of the
Gospel? <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family wants
to help readers answer some of these
questions with the release of the
first book in a new series titled “The
Chosen.”
If this title sounds familiar, it’s
because the book project expands
on a successful television show by
the same name, created by Dallas
Jenkins, the son of bestselling author
Jerry B. Jenkins, who is authoring
the book series. Similar to the TV
series, Jerry takes readers back to the
first century, to the land of ancient
Israel, to experience the life of Jesus
through the eyes of the men and
women who knew Him best. Some
of the main characters include Mary
NEW BOOK SERIES / FAITH & INSPIRATION
Magdalene, initially introduced
as Lilith; Nicodemus, a leading
Pharisee of the Jerusalem Sanhedrin;
Matthew, a tax collector and eventual
disciple; and Simon, one of the
apostles.
Called by name
The first book, I Have Called You
by Name, is a novelization of season
one of “The Chosen” television
series. Jesus meets several different
people along His earthly journey. In
addition to familiar Bible characters,
the series introduced a few fictional
characters, including Shimon, who
tended sheep on the night of Jesus’
birth, and Abigail, a young girl who
befriended the Savior before He
begins His ministry. Abigail and
her friends pepper Jesus with various
questions, which He dutifully
and gently answers, making each
response an opportunity to teach
them more about His Father. >>>
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27

FAITH & INSPIRATION / NEW BOOK SERIES
NEW BOOK SERIES / FAITH & INSPIRATION
“Our goal is to see people dig into
the Scriptures for themselves,” Jerry
says. “But neither the TV series nor
the novels should substitute for the
Word of God.”
Both the TV series and Jerry’s book
project draw from existing passages
of the Gospels, bringing stories in
the Bible to life in new and unique
ways. This required some imagination,
Jerry says, “But each decision
was based on a story directly from
the Bible.”
A family project
To do this effectively, Jerry had to
understand the culture of the Holy
Land, the way people interacted
during ancient times, their customs,
and, of course, the geography surrounding
each story. Fortunately, he
didn’t have to start from ground zero.
“I have studied the manners and
customs and geographical logistics
of the Holy Land for many years for
some of my other novels,” he says.
“The Chosen” is in many ways a
NEW FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
I HAVE CALLED YOU BY NAME
BY JERRY B. JENKINS
This exciting book helps bring
the Bible to life!
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
family project. The popular television
series was created by his son
Dallas and a team of co-writers. His
team had already selected the framing
of the scenes to best tell each
story.
“I had the easy part,” says Jerry,
“because Dallas and his co-writers
had already made those choices
[regarding which characters to
focus on].” As Jerry wrote, he says
his respect grew for his son and the
show’s creative team.
“It’s a privilege to work with their
creation and make it work as novels.”
Still, Jerry had to dig into each and
every scene as he researched his part
of the project. “In writing the novel,
I probably watched each episode 22
times.” Fortunately, he never grew
tired of watching, and he continued
to learn more each time he viewed
an episode.
Picturing the people
One of Jerry’s goals was to imagine
how Jesus might have interacted
with children and others in His day
so that he could help readers picture
not only the settings but also
the emotions, tensions and smiles
that passed between people. The
book engages and encourages readers
to consider the Scriptures in a
new light, while at the same time, he
doesn’t compromise biblical truths.
Jerry says his hope is that this
series will prompt people to do
something simple: open a Bible.
VIDANGEL STUDIOS
In the 21st century, the Bible has
never been more readily available,
from our phones and tablets to the
printed page. Yet the vast majority of
the North American public remains
biblically illiterate.
According to a 2019 study completed
by LifeWay Research, only
about 32% of all Protestant churchgoers
open the Bible every day.
That figure is slightly higher among
evangelical Protestants, at 36%.
“Having served for many years on
the boards of Moody Bible Institute
The TV series
Debuting in 2019, “The Chosen” was the first
multi-episode television program to focus on the
life of Jesus Christ as experienced by the men and
women who knew Him. It was the largest crowdfunded
production at the time, with more than
19,000 people donating. Since its release, the series
has been translated into more than 50 languages.
“Thousands of people have shared with us that their
lives have dramatically changed as a result of watching
‘The Chosen,’ ” says series creator Dallas Jenkins.
His hope is that audiences will not only be able to
relate to the characters who encounter the Son of
God but also be drawn deeper into each Bible story.
Through the series, Dallas discovered that even he
has become more focused on his relationship with
Jesus. He says, “I love theology, debate and spiritual
philosophy, but ultimately, by focusing on Jesus and
His message, I’ve seen a change in my heart and in
my approach to life.” He finds his priorities are different
now. His career is focused on telling authentic
stories about Jesus.
The second season of “The Chosen” is scheduled to
debut this spring.
and Colorado Christian University,
I have been alarmed to see that
decline,” Jerry says. A previous study
had more churchgoers and evangelicals
opening their Bibles. “So, yes,
our hope is to see an enthusiastic
return to biblical scholarship on the
part of laypeople.”
Jerry has written nearly 200 books
that have sold more than 71 million
copies combined, a total that
includes the “Left Behind” series
he co-wrote with Tim LaHaye. Jerry
has spent his whole life writing to a
—BR
Christian audience.
This new series, though, has
helped him. He says, “No longer do
I try to imagine what these people
from the New Testament looked like.
“For too many decades, my imagination
was clouded with images
of ancient paintings of such heroes
and heroines and saints. It was hard
to view them as real people. The TV
series offers that, and I’ve tried to
capture it in the novel.” •
Brittany Raymer is an issues analyst for <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family.
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021

Immerse yourself
Kids & Teens
in THE STORY of stories…
The Chosen: I Have Called You by
Name imagines the backstories
of the early followers of Christ
and how their lives were
transformed when they met
the long-awaited Messiah.
Written by bestselling author
Jerry B. Jenkins, The Chosen
plunges you into first century
Galilee and gives you more
colour and detail from the hit
video series beloved by millions.
Follow in the footsteps of Jesus
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE AMES FAMILY
Rob, Hope, Amy and Lily Ames
our choice
to love
A parenting tip
from Rob and
Amy Ames
Kids who enter our home through
foster care are full citizens in our
household and are considered members
of our family. Our two children
through adoption have come to
understand how the forever of their
adoption can coexist with the very
different experiences of their siblings
through foster care. These
children, brought to our home for
only a time, are engraved into the
forever of our memories and prayers.
We choose to share, and we choose
to love despite knowing that those
placed in our home can be taken
away at any time. Our placements,
fortunately, have been few in number
and long in duration. Otherwise, we
wouldn’t expect or ask the emotional
investment of our kids. •
Amy Ames leads a comprehensive churchbased,
foster and adoption ministry that serves
families in the greater Kansas City, Kansas, area.
order online at shop.focusonthefamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31

KIDS & TEENS / ADOPTION
saying yes
to Gods nudge
'
We thought adopting children with Down
syndrome would be a burden, but it was
one of our greatest blessings
BY HEATHER AVIS
LISTEN NOW!
Find out more about Heather Avis’
journey in adopting and parenting
children with Down syndrome.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
For raising
children
ages 9-12
32
THE FIRST QUESTION
MOST PEOPLE ASK when
they hear that my husband, Josh,
and I adopted two children with
Down syndrome is “Why would
you adopt kids with such difficult
challenges?”
We don’t have a saintly answer to
give. The truth is when we learned
we couldn’t have children biologically,
we decided to pursue adoption.
When a girl with Down syndrome
became available, we said no.
The opportunity continued to
present itself, but the thought of
adopting her terrified us. And we
wondered why anyone would take
on all those developmental delays
and health challenges.
Then one day I felt as though God
was giving me a vision. In it He was
presenting me with a beautifully
wrapped package. I unwrapped it
and said, “This isn’t what I wanted.”
After sharing the vision with Josh,
we decided to adopt this girl. It
was one of the scariest and best yes
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
decisions we’ve made.
Today our family includes three
beautiful children who have been
adopted. Two have Down syndrome.
And we wouldn’t have it any other
way. Here are some lessons we’ve
learned, which I hope will help as
you consider adopting a child with
Down syndrome.
Not a cultural “normal”
As Josh and I prepared for parenthood,
I read and studied everything
I could get my hands on. And I had
to adjust my parenting mentality,
especially in the comparison
department.
Most babies will begin walking
sometime between 9 and 15 months.
Macyn didn’t walk until she was 3.
I had to put the books away and stop
comparing her to her peers. I even
had to do the same in the Down syndrome
community.
I would see another child with
Down syndrome who was doing
something Macyn wasn’t doing, and
I’d think, How do I fix my kid? How
do I make my kid more like this kid?
When I gave in to comparisons, I
lost my joy over who Macyn is as a
gift from God. I had forgotten that
every person is uniquely made in His
image and for His purposes.
When I’m tempted to compare,
I now look at Macyn and say, “She’s
amazing exactly as she is—not if she
walks earlier, not if she’s able to read
at a higher level, not if she’s able to
run as fast as another kid. Who she is
as she is right now is incredible.”
Who she is
Macyn loves to dance. She was dancing
before she started walking. When
music came on, she would start
swaying from side to side. When she
was 8, Josh and I put her in a hiphop
class—the only child enrolled
with a disability. She loved it.
In class, Macyn had her own
style. And because she was able to
be herself and was not forced to fit
in with other people’s expectations,
PHOTO COURTESY OF HEATHER AVIS
she blossomed. We prayed that the other dancers
would be able to experience God and see His
image through her.
They embraced her. Her life changed, and their
lives changed. All because Macyn was fully who
she is.
Our growth as parents
I had my hands full with two children when the
opportunity came for us to adopt another baby
with Down syndrome. We immediately said
yes. We got to go to the hospital the day our son,
August, was born, and he came home the next day.
Having two children with Down syndrome was
a scary step. Some days it felt as though I were lifting
my foot up, not knowing where it would fall.
But it’s been a good decision.
Is it messy? Of course. Is it hard? Yes. But in
our willingness to take steps into those hard
and messy spaces, we get to know God in all His
goodness. For Josh and me, our understanding
of humanity, our understanding of God and our
understanding of His love for humanity have
changed drastically because we get to live with
our kids. •
Heather Avis is a speaker and the author of The Lucky Few and
Scoot Over and Make Some Room.
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Order online at
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

KIDS & TEENS / LOVE
LOVE / KIDS & TEENS
the
senses of
connection
connect through
sight
RECENTLY, Angie and I surprised the kids with a
trip to the beach and dinner, followed by way too
much ice cream. As most parents do, we captured
many special memories using our smartphone
cameras. But then we ordered copies of our favorite
pictures, bought inexpensive albums, added
each child’s name to an album and presented it to
that child. As time went by, the kids returned again
and again to those albums.
Pictures have a wonderful way of connecting
us to family and reminding us of our significance.
Many of us take photos on our phones, but then
those shots stay in our digital galleries, never to
be enjoyed in a tangible way. Children need those
simple visual reminders that Mom and Dad love
them and that they belong and are special.
Don’t wait for big events. Capture the everyday,
mundane occurrences, print the photos and drop
them into an album. On those days when your
kids are having rough emotional moments, pull
out the album and remember the good experiences
they’ve had with you.
Creating sensory experiences to strengthen
your relationship with your kids
BY TED STACKPOLE / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
I WILL NEVER FORGET the night my wife,
Angie, and I welcomed siblings from the foster care
system into our home. We’d been fostering for six
years, and though we already had eight children—
both fosters and ours—we gladly welcomed the
11-year-old girl and her 6-year-old brother.
Angie was busy getting the 11-year-old settled in
and helping our children get ready for bed. I sat in
the living room with the 6-year-old. At one point,
he laid his head on my lap, looked up at me with
deep-brown eyes and said, “I love you, Daddy.”
I was surprised but somehow understood where
this impromptu declaration of love was coming
from. He knew I wasn’t his daddy, and I wouldn’t
want him to continue addressing me that way
because that wasn’t my role in his life. But in that
moment, he needed someone to represent security,
stability, provision and protection. He desperately
needed the things that, as parents, we often take for
granted. He was expressing his desire to connect
with me on a deeper, more personal level.
As a foster parent, I would have this child only a
brief time—between six and 18 months—before
he returned to his family or was adopted. Angie
and I understood that although we couldn’t control
the amount of time we had with these children,
the most important factor was what we did with
the time we had. That is true in the relationships
we have with all the children in our home, because
time with them is not a guarantee.
As parents of now 11 children—six adopted
through foster care—and having been the foster
parents of more than 18 kids, we’ve learned
that one of the best ways we can intentionally create
closer bonds with these children is through the
power of our five senses.
IN OUR WORK training churches in the foster
care ministry, Angie and I talk about how children
in foster care who experience an absence of affectionate
touch might have higher levels of stress or
detach from caregivers. But that’s true of all children.
They need positive, gentle touches from
us—such as brushing a child’s hair, offering a hug
or a back rub, or even just squeezing a shoulder in
passing. These casual touches not only help kids
grow into more balanced, healthy individuals, but
they also help them attach more securely to us.
My wife and I use positive touch in our nighttime
routines so no one is forgotten—hugs, kisses,
back rubs. Our 4-year-old always requests Mom
to tuck her in. So every night Angie touches each
facial feature and tells it good night. “Good night,
ear. Good night, other ear. . . .” She ends with,
“Good night, nose,” a good-night kiss and a goodnight
prayer. If Angie goes out of order or forgets a
feature, our daughter insists they start over.
It’s important to show our children they’re
loved through healthy touch. Feeling the comfort
of our touch also reminds them that our almighty,
loving and grace-giving Father loves them and
notices them. >>>
connect through
touch
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021

KIDS & TEENS / LOVE
LOVE / KIDS & TEENS
ONE DAY I was plucking away at our piano and
wrote a song while thinking about a toddler we
had adopted: “With a name like Penelope, who
could ever be mad at me? I don’t know! Sometimes
she laughs and sometimes she cries, sometimes
she jumps up really high. But with a name like
Penelope, who could ever be mad at me? I don’t
know.” She loved it—and all our children wanted
me to write a song about them. Just hearing the
tune and the words filled them with delight.
We all know the importance of telling our children
we love and value them. We also know how
important it is to read aloud to them, ask about
their lives and listen to what they say. In addition,
music can build powerful bonds with people or
even evoke memories of a particular time or place
in our lives. God uses music to show us how much
He loves us: “He will exult over you with loud singing”
(Zephaniah 3:17).
You may not be musically inclined, but songs
you sing in church, in the car and in your home all
make strong connections in the family. And those
connections go even deeper as we sing about
Jesus and His love for us. Even putting Scripture to
music can infuse our children with the message of
how valued they are. They will carry these childhood
songs into adulthood and connect them to a
time, place, people and the love of God.
connect through
taste
connect through
sound
THREE OF our children wanted to cook a meal
from start to finish by themselves. Angie and I
thought they would pick something easy and
familiar. Instead, they picked something our family
had never cooked—curried chicken and rice.
That was the favorite meal our daughter enjoyed
with her family before she joined our foster home.
Most of us can think back to our childhoods and
remember that special meal or dish someone made
for us. For our daughter, that curried chicken and
rice dish not only tasted delicious, but it also connected
her to a memory and a relationship with her
biological family. We wanted that same experience
for our kids.
Dinner that night made Angie and me think differently
about the way we cook. When we provide
good, nutritious meals to our children, we give
them joy through taste, but we also give them a
memory, a connection to us. After that experience,
we became more intentional about building food
traditions and enjoying the times we eat together.
God also uses taste in our relationship with Him.
His Word tells us, “Taste and see that the Lord is
good!” (Psalm 34:8). That’s the relational experience
we want our children to take with them as
they leave our family and start their own lives.
“DADDY, you smell good,” one of my kids told me.
As children have come through our home, they are
attracted to the perfumes and colognes we have
in our bathroom. Angie and I pray that whenever
our foster children smell a perfume or cologne—or
other aromas—it will remind them of their connection
to our family.
The children we care for have all had our “scent”
rubbed off on them both physically and spiritually
(2 Corinthians 2:15). In addition to the physical
aromas, our children receive spiritual scents.
Learning to give thanks for their food at the table
and quoting Scripture they have committed to
memory are spiritual scents that also will be part
of them as they grow.
Smell has the power to connect us to a memory.
It’s often in the everyday activities that we do with
children—such as playing together on a fresh-cut
lawn—that memories are built and sensory experiences
are created in our relationships.
Welcoming foster children into our home has
caused Angie and me to work harder at building
connection with our kids and showing them
they have value in God’s eyes. We want all our children—those
still in the foster care system, those
we’ve foster-adopted and our biological kids—to
know how much we love and treasure them and
how much their heavenly Father does as well.
That’s why we intentionally use sensory experiences
to let them know we care. •
Ted Stackpole and his wife, Angie, work with churches to train
people in foster care ministry.
STOP. THINK.
BE SENSITIVE.
connect through
smell
Any of the five senses can generate powerful responses—positive
or negative—in children within foster care, causing them to
have difficulty managing their emotions. Be especially careful with
smells, physical touch of any kind and anything that goes into their
mouths (including food), as these can be emotional triggers.
Connect with children on their terms; not yours. Always give them
the option to refuse connection and never force it. When they
refuse, don’t take it personally.
A sensory-processing assessment by a trained occupational therapist
may help you understand how your child from foster care
processes sensory stimuli.
36
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37

KIDS & TEENS / FOSTER CARE ADOPTION
FOSTER CARE ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS
Lorie and Natalie celebrating her adoption
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada
helps foster and adoptive
families through our Waiting to
Belong program. Learn more by
visiting WaitingToBelong.ca.
dreaming of motherhood
Lorie had given up on her desire to be a
parent, but that was before she met Natalie
BY THOMAS JEFFRIES
SHE’S THE KIND OF
WOMAN WHO LOVES
INTENSELY. The kind of person
who doesn’t need a lot of friends,
yet bonds deeply with every single
one. She cries when saying goodbye
to visiting relatives, even those
who live nearby. As for children, you
don’t spend three decades as an
elementary-school teacher if you
don’t have at least a soft spot for little
ones.
Yes, Lorie loves children, but
she never had any of her own. She
always dreamed of being a mother,
of getting married and raising
kids, but the married part never
happened.
“Since I couldn’t have a biological
child, I thought I would adopt,”
Lorie says. “When I wasn’t matched
with a child to adopt, I became
depressed. I questioned why God
wouldn’t let my dreams come true.”
As for foster care, she had heard
the stories. She knew about the
Natalie and Lorie
heartache that lingers when a child
leaves.
“If I wept when I left family I would
see again in a few months,” she says,
“how could I handle loving and nurturing
a child, only to let him or her
go forever?”
So Lorie gave up her dream of
motherhood.
A willing heart
Then Lorie heard about an event on
the radio—an opportunity to assist
PHOTOS COURTESY OF LORIE
vulnerable kids in the foster care
system, to help them find safe and
loving homes. The event, called Wait
No More, was sponsored by <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family, and it was coming to
her city.
Once there, she listened to adults
who fostered and had been fostered
as children. She heard about God’s
great love for children in need of
willing families. She learned about
the challenges of fostering, and the
blessings.
The more she heard, the more
interested Lorie became. That’s
when all her excuses—that she
was too old, too alone, too afraid of
getting attached and getting hurt—
evaporated. It was no longer about
her.
“I loved hearing how God put families
together through fostering and
adoption,” she says, “and I decided
to investigate more.”
That very day at Wait No More,
Lorie signed up to take the next step.
In need of a home
By 2015 Lorie had taken in several
children. Each new placement
was an adventure, and she treasured
every child before they even
met. Some stayed for several weeks,
others for several months, but they
all eventually moved on, leaving
Lorie bereft.
“It was agony to see them go,” she
says. “[But] God healed my heart
after each child left.”
In August Lorie received a call
about a little girl named Natalie.
Lorie, as usual, was smitten. Twoyear-old
Natalie, though, was scared,
having just been removed from her
relatives’ home the day before.
Initially, Lorie’s heart was guarded.
“[She knew] that Natalie could go
back to her biological family at any
time,” says her friend Angela.
But Natalie didn’t go back. She
stayed. A month passed, then a year.
After nearly two years with Natalie,
the caseworkers asked Lorie something
they had never mentioned
before: Would you be willing to consider
adoption?
No more fears
Lorie wasn’t sure what to say, so she
prayed. She allowed herself to dream
again. It was difficult and delightful
and frightening all at once. Natalie,
meanwhile, had questions—about
where she would live, where she
would end up. Lorie could only reply
that God loved her and the court
system would decide what was best.
“The next three years were a roller
coaster that Natalie didn’t know she
was on,” Lorie says.
Caseworkers and supervisors
came and went, and it seemed like
everyone had a different opinion
about Natalie’s situation. Finally, at
an August 2019 hearing, a counselor
who’d seen the pair interact testified
on Lorie’s behalf. If it pleases the
court, it would be in the best interests
of the child to remain in her current
residence. The judge agreed, and
suddenly Lorie wasn’t sure what to
believe. Could it really be true?
It was. Nearly a year’s worth of
paperwork later, Lorie signed the
documents to adopt Natalie.
“In my heart, Natalie has been my
child for over five years,” she says,
“but in September 2020, the court
made it official. She finally has a forever
home.”
Lorie plans to continue opening
her home to children in need, and
her daughter agrees. Natalie says it’s
difficult when kids aren’t sure where
they’ll be living next.
“Now that I’m adopted, I know I’m
not going to a different home,” she
says. “It’s not stressful, because I
know I’m going to stay with Mom.” •
38
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39

iverbend friends
BOUNDARIES / KIDS & TEENS
A new series for teen girls
In the town of Riverbend, the
pressures a girl faces are real.
Fitting in. Dealing with family
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with! To figure it all out, it helps
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Coming soon from
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laugh together, lean on each
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Real, Not Perfect and Searching
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Know when it’s time to
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BY DR. HENRY CLOUD
BRIAN MELLEMA / FOTF
“MY SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
have betrayed my wife and me, and we’re having
a hard time dealing with it.” This bitter confession
came from Jonathan, a good friend of mine, as we
talked about our families.
“What happened?” I asked.
“They’ve decided to move to Florida.” (My friend
and his wife, Bridgette, live in California.) “He’s
taken a job there, and they are moving in a month.
It’s not right, and I’m really angry about it.”
This is not going to be an easy conversation, I
thought. “Why do you take that as a betrayal?” I
asked.
“We are his parents,” he said. “They should get
our input into that kind of a decision.”
“It sounds like you see your anger as justified,”
I said, “like they actually did something wrong.”
“Of course!”
“I can understand that you are disappointed, but
not getting what you want is not the same as their
doing anything ‘wrong,’ or ‘betraying’ you,” I said.
“They have every right to make that decision on
their own.”
Somewhere in this story you might identify with
Jonathan and Bridgette, thinking that your adult
children somehow owe you certain privileges or
preferences since you are their parents. And you
find yourself dealing with the same issue: How
much control does a parent have over an adult
child? >>>
Pre-order today at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41

KIDS & TEENS / BOUNDARIES
BOUNDARIES / KIDS & TEENS
Getting to the real issue
The real issue is this: God has a
design, and that design is that children
are accountable to their parents
. . . as long as they are children. The
Bible says, “Children, obey your parents
in the Lord, for this is right”
(Ephesians 6:1, emphasis mine). But
it is clear that the command is to
children.
Clearly there is a time when a person
is no longer a child; he becomes
an adult under his own guardianship
and management. Paul writes
in Galatians, “As long as an heir is
underage, he is no different from a
slave, although he owns the whole
estate. The heir is subject to guardians
and trustees until the time set
by his father” (Galatians 4:1-2, NIV).
This points to the reality that a person
reaches an age in which he or
she is free to be responsible and
accountable to God.
So the question here is about how
parents and adult children reorder
their relationship after someone
is an adult. And added to the mix
is God’s design that once someone
is married, he or she must clearly
“leave and cleave,” which means the
adult child has left parental guardianship
and management and now
has established his or her own new
household (Genesis 2:24). And
at these points of adulthood, the
relationship changes from one of
accountability to one of being equal
adults under God, while continuing
to “honor” parents (Exodus 20:12)
for all they have done, but not under
their management.
Treating kids as adults
Today, this issue is more complicated
than ever because many adult
children are returning home and
being supported in some way by
parents. If you find yourself confused
by the ongoing changes in
your relationship with your adult
child, here are some strategies that
can help your interactions go better:
Reach mutual understandings. As
a child is becoming an adult, commit
to ongoing conversation. Try to
discover each other’s expectations
so you can reach a mutual understanding
of how these years will look.
Recognize that your adult children’s
lives are now under their own governance
and that they are no longer
accountable to you. The goal is to
have the best relationship possible
with each other, so talk about what
that will look like.
This also means you’ll need to clarify
expectations about some other
issues. How much time will you
spend together? What about financial
help? Living situations? Advice
on parenting? Faith decisions? These
areas of possible conflict often need
to be discussed to avoid confusion
and disappointment.
When I first headed off to college,
my dad told me, “Son, you are going
to college, and I am paying for it. I
never got to go, and I am thrilled to
provide that for you. Your job was to
make the grades to get in and now to
stay in, and mine will be to pay for
it.” Then he added the real punch
line, “And after college, you are on
your own. My job is over. If you want
to drop by for a sandwich, great, but
you’re on your own.”
I remember both the excitement
of that freedom as well as the absolute
fear it instilled in me to get my
act together so I could earn my way.
And both of those are good and Godordained:
excitement of a vision and
a healthy fear of reality.
As you discuss expectations,
remember that no one has a “right”
to the other’s life. Parents do not have
a right to dictate the course of an
adult child’s career or marriage, and
adult children do not have a right to
expect their parents to take care of
them forever.
Hopefully you can work out satisfying
arrangements, done in an
CREDIT TK
CREDIT TK
accepting atmosphere of freedom
for both sides to decide what they
will agree to do and not do.
If your desires are not met, be sad
instead of angry. Jonathan’s angry
response came when he saw his
son and daughter-in-law’s decision
as a transgression against him
and Bridgette. In his mind the couple
had done something wrong, and
he was righteously angry. The truth
is that the son and his wife had exercised
their God-designed adult
rights, but it was not what Jonathan
wanted to happen. So, understandably,
Jonathan was disappointed.
That is natural when we don’t get
what we desire. But it is not a justifiable
cause for us to be angry or use
guilt or control.
Hold your wishes lightly, but discuss
why they are important to you.
Listen to each other, respect your
adult children’s wishes and respond
with empathy. And when your wants
are not met, just say, “Well, I would
prefer if you had done x or y, but it’s
your life.” That will go a long way
toward creating the kind of respectful
relationships we all desire with
the people we love.
Be available to help, but don’t
impose. Tell adult children that you
are available to help, but you will not
force it on them.
There is a great practice many
pastors do at wedding ceremonies
to memorialize this kind of adulthood.
Before they do the vows, the
pastor says to both sets of parents,
“We first want to honor you for all
you have done to bring these two
to this day. You have nurtured and
trained them; you have provided for
them. And we thank you. And now,
as of today, your role as provider has
ended. From this day on, they are on
their own. And may God bless the
future relationship that you will have
with them, and with their children.”
And then the ceremony goes on to
memorialize that reality.
But that does not mean you will
have no relationship. Far from it. Nor
does it mean you are not available to
them for advice, wisdom, help, support
or the like. And this applies to
single adults as well as newlyweds.
Send them to adulthood as autonomous,
but let them know you are
always there to help with their adulthood.
Establish that relationship. It
is good and biblical.
Moving forward
Again, your help or advice cannot
be imposed or enforced like it was
during their childhood. And adult
children shouldn’t expect that ongoing
advice, either. You are no longer
their “parent” in those ways. Career
decisions, childrearing decisions
and other adult decisions will be
theirs, and you will be glad to have
input if they desire, and you will also
not intrude in areas where your help
isn’t wanted. Do just as any other
good friend would do, and in this
case, a special kind of “friend”—an
adult peer who happened to raise
them. It is a special relationship.
My parents are both deceased, but
my wife’s parents are living, and we
have gotten so much great advice
and wisdom from them in our 25
years of marriage and 19 years of
parenting. But it has never been
forced, controlling or demanded. I
am so grateful for them and the relationship
we have.
In the end, Jonathan and Bridgette
went to their son and daughterin-law
and apologized. Then they
began the healthy discussions that
helped them order their relationship
differently. They are working well
together and being supportive of
each other. But they had to have the
talk about boundaries first, and then
live it out. •
Dr. Henry Cloud is a psychologist, speaker and
bestselling author of numerous books.
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April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43

KIDS & TEENS / LOVE
LOVE / KIDS & TEENS
NEW
be a gift
to your
grandkids
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATH
In this 52-week devotional, Bruce Gordon will
help you transition to a life rich with purpose.
Discover that the most impactful years of your
life may still be to come.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
And enjoy the unique role
you play in their lives
BY BRUCE GORDON
KIDS LIVE IN A DIFFERENT WORLD from the one that those of us
over age 50 grew up in. Life for them is so serious. There is pressure to perform,
social cultures to navigate and an all-consuming media environment to balance.
These demands can take a toll on a child’s health and well-being.
I was thinking about all of this recently after a visit with my granddaughter.
“Papa, I love it when you laugh at yourself,” she told me after I had made a
silly comment about something I had done. It reminded me how much of a
gift it is to be a grandparent—and how we can be a gift to our grandkids. All
children need a little laughter in their lives, and as grandparents we can meet
this need. We can model joy and humility, demonstrating a more lighthearted
approach to life.
Grandparents can play a unique and significant role in the lives of their
grandchildren. Here are a few gifts that engaged grandparents can give their
grandkids:
Stability
If there is one word to define life
during the last couple of years it’s
change. Grandchildren need stability
amid societal turbulence—someone
to stand with them and beside them.
Family traditions and history foster
stability, and grandparents can
impart this information to help kids
feel they belong.
Perspective
Recently both a youth pastor and a pastor for young adults told me
they desperately needed older people to walk alongside our youth.
Whether in elementary school, high school or college, they need
mentors who can help them see their world from a different perspective.
Grandparents can provide valuable insights.
We can jump-start conversations by sharing a little about our
pasts—what our childhoods and teen years were like, how we met
our spouses and what we’ve dreamed about doing. We can also
model our values.
Of course, we may need to seek counsel from those who are
younger to help us better understand the issues our grandchildren
are facing. So seek out those who work with young people. Ask them
how you can be involved.
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
Unconditional love
Grandkids experience unconditional
love when we love them for who
they are, not who we are trying to get
them to be. We can coach and teach
them, loaning them our wisdom so
they have the opportunity to make
good choices.
Adventure
When I was growing up, my favorite reads were adventure books. I loved the
possibility of real adventure and often dreamed that I might have my own. My
grandfather took me on several trips because he understood this need.
Grandparents can open worlds of exploration to their grandchildren
when we listen to their interests. We can use our lifetime of experiences and
knowledge to explore our city, a new trail, a new restaurant, a museum, an
observatory or a nearby fishing hole. We also make good volunteers, especially
when serving with our grandchildren to help a ministry we’re both passionate
about.
Connection
Grandchildren may need help sorting
out big issues in their lives. I love
when my grandkids ask me what I’ve
learned about an issue. Issues may
change, but God’s love and truth do
not. Our lives can become an example
for our grandkids about how He
helps people. Our past can show
how our Lord works in our hearts
and in our interactions with others
to refine us into wise and resilient
Christ followers.
We don’t want to be people who
go through life in completely separate
worlds from our grandkids. Our
grandchildren need real connections,
people who are interested in
them while they process life and face
its challenges. God’s plan has always
been that as we age, we become
“sages” for those who are younger. If
we’re not engaged in the lives of our
grandchildren, I wonder if we’re truly
fulfilling what God asks of us during
this stage of our lives. Loving our
neighbor has to do with serving
those God puts in our lives. Our
grandchildren are near the top of
our list. •
Bruce Gordon, the former president of <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family Canada, is a leader, coach,
consultant, educator and pastor. This article
was adapted from As Long As I Have Breath,
a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family resource published by
Tyndale House Publishers.
44
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021
April / MAy 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
blowing bubbles
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada
Broadcast App
Valentina, 10, and Victoria, 7
Enjoying a sunny day
—Aline from Alberta
Kenzi, 5, and Sadie, 3
Chasing bubbles with Nana
—Brian and Nicki from Minnesota
Looking for ways to build your faith, strengthen your marriage and
become a better parent? The <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada app is here
to provide you with answers! Join hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller
as they interview a variety of leading marriage and family experts,
offering encouragement and practical advice for whatever stage your
family is at.
Melody, 3
Bubbles on the balcony
—Paul from California
Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
Email photos* of your child gardening or their Easter celebration. (Put
“gardening” or “Easter” in the subject line.)
Send to: info@fotf.ca
* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
If you are looking for inspiration and ways to have a thriving family,
download the app today!
To download the Apple or Google app, visit
focusonthefamily.ca/mobile
46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
April / MAy 2021

Shop with confidence
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada
Today there are many ways to shop for
faith‐building resources for your family. And
yet, when you consider purchasing an item,
the same questions resurface:
Is the author offering a biblically based perspective?
Would a counsellor consider it sound advice?
Will the content engage your kids?
When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Canada, you can be sure about the resources
we’re offering.
We stand behind every item we sell, because
each one has been reviewed and approved
by our staff for excellent content that’s in
line with God’s Word.
Shop online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or shop by phone at 1.800.661.9800