Focus on the Family Magazine - February/March 2022

‘YOU’VE BEEN
GRACE BOMBED!’
A NEW WAY TO
LOVE YOUR
NEIGHBOR
Helping Families Thrive in Christ
FEB / MAR 2022
BOB LEPINE
THE PATH OF
PATIENCE
Laugh
Together
pg. 19

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Sign up for this FREE video series today to access
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FEBRUARY / MARCH
Contents
Couples
13 NO S’MORE COMPETITION
A marriage insight from
Julia Springman
14 ‘NOT TONIGHT,
I HAVE A HEADACHE’
When a husband and wife
have different sex drives
by Gary Thomas
19 LAUGH TOGETHER
A way to keep your
marriage fresh and fun
by Ted Cunningham
22 HOPE RESTORED
A marriage intensive experience
by Scott Johnson
Faith & Inspiration
27 MY MOM’S HERITAGE
OF FORGIVENESS
A spiritual insight from <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family’s international leadership
by Sixto Porras
29 PATIENCE
Practical steps for developing a
fruit of the Spirit in your marriage
by Bob Lepine
34 A LEGACY OF LIFE
God had a plan for my mom,
for me and my daughter
by Erica Renaud
In Every
Issue
4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
12 MEDIA
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
Kids & Teens
35 SHOOTIN’ HOOPS WHILE
SHOOTIN’ THE BREEZE
A parenting insight from Lisa
Johnson
36 NO-REGRETS FATHERHOOD
Simple strategies I used to give my
attention to the right people—my
family
by Dave Alpern
39 ‘YOU’VE BEEN GRACE BOMBED!’
An explosive new way to share
God’s love with others
by Patrick Linnell
42 CREATING CONNECTION
4 tools to help your kids combat
their feelings of loneliness
by Dr. Mark Mayfield
44 BE A SAFE PLACE
FOR YOUR ADULT KIDS
How to listen and respond—instead
of trying to fix their problems
by Jodie Berndt
©RUTH BLACK / STOCKSY.COM
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
Jean-Paul Beran is
president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family Canada.
AT TIMES it can feel as though the
month of February has become the month
of Valentine’s Day. At <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Canada, we know the importance of romantic
love in a marriage, but we also know it’s not
the only kind of love that’s important. When
we follow the world’s example of prioritizing
romance above everything else, we miss out
on so many opportunities to show God’s
grace-filled and sacrificial love to those who
need it most.
In this issue of the magazine, you will read
about how you can better love your spouse,
your children and those around you.
For couples, Gary Thomas talks about how differing libidos
is an obstacle many husbands and wives struggle to overcome
(page 14). We know relational intimacy is multi-faceted, so Ted
Cunningham offers insights into how to use laughter to create
deeper connection with your spouse (page 19). Finally, we
recognize that many couples are walking through difficult seasons,
and we want to come alongside those in crisis through our
Hope Restored marriage intensives (page 22).
Parents, you have a unique opportunity to discover new ways
of connecting with your children, so we have articles to help
you do just that. Whether it’s fathers wanting to be “all in” with
their kids (page 36), creating a safe place for your adult children
(page 44) or teaching your kids how to show radical, gracebased
love to strangers (page 39), we have something for every
stage of your parenting journey.
And remember, in many parts of Canada this month, we
celebrate Family Day in addition to Valentine’s Day. In the
same way couples shouldn’t show their love just one day a
year, families should be growing in their relationships all year
long too. If you need any support to help your family thrive,
we’re just a click, email or phone call away. I invite you to
explore the full breadth of services we offer on our website at
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca, email us at info@fotf.ca with your
questions or concerns, or call our team at 1.800.661.9800 to
learn more about how we can help.
Jean-Paul Beran
showing love
to others
CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran
editorial director Sheila Seifert
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
copy chief Scott DeNicola
contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance
Fry, Jennifer Lonas, Thomas Jeffries,
Marianne Hering and Jeff Masching
art director Brian Mellema
designer Anneka Jack
cover Brittany Cruse
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
print production Gail Wise
circulation Sandy Grivy
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<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine February/March 2022,
Vol. 7, No. 1 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2022 <strong>Focus</strong> on the
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4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
A ROCK NAMED Ebenezer
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
While hiking through the woods, I found a rock that I hoped would
spark curiosity in my children. I secretly slid the stone in my pocket and
once home, I spray painted it gold, wrote the word Ebenezer on it and
set it on the kitchen table.
Each of my children asked, “Why do we have a rock named
Ebenezer?” I explained that our Ebenezer stone is a way for us to
remember God’s faithfulness in our lives.
In 1 Samuel 7:12, the Hebrew word Ebenezer means “stone of help.”
The prophet Samuel intentionally placed a stone to help Israel remember
that God saved them from a Philistine attack.
For our family, this rock was a fun way to get my children to ask
questions so we could have a faith conversation. Then our Ebenezer
stone sat on our table for years to help us remember that God goes
before us and is with us throughout our lives.
—Teresa Auten
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5

HACKS & FACTS / SIBLING VALENTINES
Hidden Valentines
Every year my wife and I buy a bag of small heart
candies and a box of inexpensive valentines to
do something we call “Hide the Hearts.” Each
kid completes a handful of valentines, including
a short message of appreciation and a candy
heart before sealing and addressing the envelope.
Then we tell the kids to hide the valentines
someplace where their siblings will eventually
find them . . . slid into a jacket pocket, tucked in
a glove or shoe, slipped into a sock. Instead of
doing a traditional exchange, our kids find their
valentines throughout the week and feel appreciated
and surprised.
—Jared Hottenstein
Mirror Messages
On Valentine’s Day, I leave a dry-erase marker by the
bathroom sink. Throughout the day the kids write
messages on the mirror to each other about things they
love or appreciate. My children are still young, so many
of their messages come in picture form. For example, my
daughter drew a picture of her brother playing with her
and explained that she appreciates when he plays dolls
with her.
The messages become a sort of game over the course
of the day, with people sneaking into the bathroom to
write messages without others noticing. We hope this tradition
will help them remember how important it is to
show gratitude and appreciation for loved ones.
—Autumn Shaffer
Siblings spend about
50%
of their discretionary time
engaged with one another.
source: Demographic Research, 2017
Sibling
TREASURES
AFTER HELPING them make homemade valentines
for their friends, I take each child aside
for a few minutes to cut paper hearts for all of
his or her siblings. Then I help my child write a
message about what he or she appreciates or
loves about that sibling.
On Valentine’s Day, we exchange the
hearts at the breakfast table and read them
aloud. Delight dawns in their eyes as they
are filled with the words of appreciation
from their siblings. The exchange makes me
realize that I should be encouraging them
to share what they appreciate about each
other all throughout the year, not just on
Valentine’s Day.
—Amy Juett
SEWCREAM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

SPRING BREAK / HACKS & FACTS
QUARANTINE QUEST
LAST SPRING BREAK, my son and I designed
a town-wide family scavenger hunt. The first
clue was posted on our town’s Facebook page.
It started with a story of a character named
“Quarantine Quinn,” who had lost his roll of toilet
paper and needed help finding it. Each clue led
to a large poster at a location giving the next clue.
The participants learned different facts about our
little town as they traveled.
Clues were things like “Go to the spot where
our town once had an outdoor swimming pool,”
or “Find the memorial statue.” The final clue was
written on a giant roll of toilet paper made from a
big plastic cylinder and fabric that we hung high
in a tree. Hundreds of people participated and
told us via Facebook that they enjoyed the quest.
—Lori Zenker
Budget Friendly
Wish List
DURING SPRING BREAK our family
made a wish list of budget friendly
things we wanted to do. The list had a
range of activities from “go on a hike” to
“spring clean.” One of our favorites was
“finish a chapter book.” We chose Mr.
Popper’s Penguins and read it together
each day. At the end, we made popcorn
and watched the movie together.
—Marielle Melling
Beach at Home
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
WE SET UP A BEACH inside our
house with a giant paper sun on the
wall, music on the stereo and beach
towels on the floor. Wearing bathing
suits and goggles and with water
toys scattered about, my kids (ages 5,
3 and 1) had a lot of fun pretending
to lie out in the sun while we each
read or looked at a book.
—Allison Struber
Basement World Tour
WE DECIDED TO ADAPT our son’s social studies project.
We designed an “oasis room”—a sort of virtual
venue in the basement that included photos and posters
of famous locations and their local landmarks. We
hung lights from the ceiling for stars and cooked recipes
listed as local delights. We found music that
represented the area and listened as we ate. Each evening
for about a week, we shared in reading a folktale
or legend indigenous to the area and enjoyed hearing
our son tell the details of his ever-expanding research.
We had an amazing time together growing in our
appreciation of the world God created and celebrating
our family.
—Nancy Koenig
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / INFANT SLEEP
SLEEP WALKING
When my newborn wakes up, I put on my shoes and
headphones, and buckle him into the baby carrier facing
me. He rests against my chest while I pace back and
forth through the hallway. I get exercise and hear a
podcast, and he’s comforted. After an hour, we’re both
ready for sleep.
—Christie Chu
Midnight Moments
Every time I got up with my infant daughter,
I sat in the rocking chair in front of the
window. I’d use these moments to pray and
talk to God.
Laundry Lullaby
—Paige Upton
From age 2 months, my second daughter
would frequently wake up around 2 a.m. I
tried feeding, rocking and bouncing her, but
nothing worked. So I set her on her play mat
and settled down with a basket of laundry
and a podcast, keeping the lights dimmed.
When she started fussing after an hour or
more, I’d rock her to sleep. I was up for the
same amount of time as my old routine, but
I was more relaxed and productive.
—Amber Bulk
PHOTO BY KELLY SIKKEMA ON UNSPLASH
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8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

VALUING THE ELDERLY / HACKS & FACTS
Serving Seniors
When our kids were young, our neighbors on either
side and directly across the street were all in their
80s. Our younger ones baked and delivered goodies
to our neighbors, and our older children learned to
lend a hand to our neighbors by retrieving their garbage
bins from the curb on trash day. We all learned
the value of the elderly and have enjoyed years of
friendship.
—Jasmine Boyle
Food and New Friends
Our family delivered food to seniors through the
Meals on Wheels program. The experience let my
kids see another side of life—that people need help
and our family could be part of their solution. One of
our kids loved chatting with the seniors. But our oldest
initially felt awkward around older people. It was
neat to see him bloom and become more comfortable
with the elderly with each meal we delivered.
—Tricia Couffer
ILLUSTRATION BY ALYSSA DE ASIS
honoring
THEIR STORIES
I helped my kids interview a few of
the residents at a nearby nursing
home. Many residents were moved
to tears as they shared stories about
beloved children, grandchildren
and spouses.
One resident named Gloria
explained that her husband used to
take her dancing every Friday night.
She tap-danced in her wheelchair
as she told the story, and my kids
giggled. It was a powerful experience.
We snapped some pictures.
My kids used the pictures to make
a report cover and spent a few days
writing. We returned to the nursing
home to share our projects. Each
resident wanted to keep the reports.
It was a meaningful way for my kids
to be reminded that everyone has
a valuable story, if we just take the
time to listen.
—Jared Hottenstein
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

HACKS & FACTS / TABLE MANNERS
Barbarian Night
When my kids were having a hard time with table manners, I
created a funny plan that worked. If the kids had good manners
during a meal, they earned, say, five points. After earning 70 points
or so, which they typically accomplished every two weeks, the kids
could cash in for a Barbarian Night.
During this event, the family ignored all table manners. We
even ate without silverware. The only exception was everyone still
needed to be kind to one another, and they couldn’t splatter food
on the floor. My kids were so motivated that they helped each
other use good manners to earn points toward another Barbarian
Night. The idea was a hit, and after each barbaric event, we were
able to return to dinner as usual with new habits in place.
—Jean Petersteiner as told to Marielle Melling
A Dose of Power
To help reinforce table manners, we
first allowed each child to choose what
he or she wanted for a particular meal.
That child got to sit in Dad’s seat and
lead the prayer; he or she could also
instruct and correct their siblings on
table manners. They could even correct
my husband and me on occasion. The
little dose of power made them giggle,
but the plan did help everyone remember
to conduct themselves politely and
properly at the table.
—Christina Nunes
New Habits
To help teach table manners, I chose one rule to focus
on per week. I might explain, “We should say ‘Excuse me’
when leaving the table.” Then we talked about the new
habit and wrote the simple instruction on a decorated
sheet of paper to hang near our table.
The kids could remember the previous rules as each
new one was introduced. And after a few times, even our
nonreaders knew the latest concept we were learning
together and could remember them week to week.
Table-Time Videos
When our kids’ table manners begin to look a
bit rusty, we watch instructional videos on forming
good habits. Each day for a week we watch
videos about exhibiting proper table manners,
typically an animated version for our little ones
and then a more detailed demonstration for the
older kids. It’s been fun and entertaining to see
the children implementing their new skills.
—Donna Tanksley
—Neva Parrott
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

TABLE MANNERS / HACKS & FACTS
Sloppy
Reflection
To teach my son manners, I’d
place a mirror on a stand in front
of him whenever he was being
sloppy at the table. This compelled
him to monitor his manners—sit
up straight, chew with his mouth
closed, etc. We praised him when
he complied or talked about his
behavior if he chose to continue
ignoring manners.
—Sherry Rhodes
Name That
Vegetable
My husband and I explained to
our kids that vegetables give their
bodies the nutrients they need to
grow strong and healthy. We then
gave vegetables unique names to
keep our kids from complaining at
the dinner table. When a vegetable’s
name is “Peas of Power” or “Supersonic
Spinach,” eating them is more
fun—and the kids have been doing
just that without complaint.
—Noelle Copeland
A Fancy Dinner
When I notice that my kids need a
refresher course on table manners,
I plan Fancy Dinner Night at our
house. I set the table with my good
china, and we all dress up. The meal
includes three courses: salad, the
main entrée and dessert.
Before we sit down, my husband
and I remind the kids that we
are at a fancy restaurant, so we
need to mind our manners. We
focus on the basics: chewing with
our mouths closed, using a napkin,
saying please and thank you, not
interrupting others and keeping our
elbows off the table. My kids love
Fancy Dinner Night. They try hard
to remember their manners.
On regular nights when I notice
that they’ve forgotten their manners,
I whisper, “Pretend it’s Fancy Dinner
Night,” and their conduct immediately
improves.
—Diane Stark
This Little Piggie
I brought a little toy pig to the table, and when a
family member displayed poor manners, I put the
pig near his or her plate. The pig was passed to the
next person who showed poor manners. At the end
of the meal, the last person to have the pig had to
help with meal cleanup.
—Jenny Sontag
Mealtime Buddies
HAKINMHAN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
We let our 2-year-old bring one or two
stuffed animals to join us for dinner.
They sit on a chair (or the table, if they’re
too small to be seen on a chair) out of
her reach, and then we have her tell her
toys what table manners we expect. For
example, she might tell them that we
don’t throw food, thereby reminding
herself as well.
—Amber Bulk
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

MEDIA / PLUGGED IN
How do romcoms influence our
view of relationships?
UPCOMING
REVIEWS
For reviews of these and other
titles, visit PluggedIn.com, <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family’s media review and
discernment website.
Romantic comedies are, by definition,
feel-good tales. The storytelling
formula is airtight: Man and woman
meet; man and woman fall in love;
conflict separates them; resolution reunites
them—sometimes at a wedding. Happily ever
after commences.
We gravitate toward these stories because
they offer hope and idealized satisfaction. And
there’s nothing wrong with enjoying feel-good
endings. But a steady diet of these films might
have us looking at our real-world relationships
critically. Here’s why.
Romcoms sell romantic idealization that’s
hard to match in the real world. They’re built on
emotion and the inherent thrill of “happily ever
after.” A couple’s cinematic love story often ends
at the altar.
But any married person knows that “I do” isn’t
the end. It’s the beginning of a new, shared story—
one with unpredictable ups and downs. Certain
moments might be movie-like. But valleys feel
more like a gritty independent drama. No wonder
it’s easy to watch romcoms and feel that our own
relationships are messier.
So should we cancel our Hallmark Channel
subscription? Not necessarily. But there are some
questions worth asking if you’re watching a romcom:
What am I attracted to here? What longings
might this movie address that aren’t being met in
my real-world marriage? How does a story like
this cause me to view my marriage? In what ways
does this plot set up unrealistic expectations?
There’s no single—or right—answer to those
questions. But they might be helpful when discussing
how you feel with your spouse after
enjoying a date-night romcom.
—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In
DOWNTON ABBEY: A NEW ERA
Will the ongoing storyline more boldly affirm the
romantic pursuits of a homosexual character?
Scheduled release: March 18
MARRY ME
Does Jennifer Lopez’s
new romcom affirm the
sanctity of marriage?
Scheduled release: Feb. 11
DEATH ON
THE NILE
How much on-camera
bloodshed should families
expect in this Agatha
Christie murder mystery?
Scheduled release: Feb. 11
(TOP TO BOTTOM) NUYORICAN PRODUCTIONS; SCOTT FREE PRODUCTIONS; FOCUS FEATURES
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

Couples
no s’more
competition
A marriage insight from Julia Springman
Perry and Julia
PHOTO BY HOLLY FULLERTON
AS NEWLYWEDS, my husband, Perry, and I received
advice that has proved golden: “Don’t count!” I’m a counter
by nature—I did dishes five times this week, and he did it
only two times. I tidied up errant socks three times and made
the bed. The numbers used to swirl in my head, sit heavy in
my stomach and upset my heart.
In time I realized I was looking for ways to count myself
better than my husband. But my counting proved petty when
I considered how many ways I count on my husband.
Together we trained ourselves to stop counting up chores
and favors and start counting on each other. He counts on
me to know the exact location of every obscure item in the
refrigerator. I count on him to wash out the compost bin.
He counts on me to make his favorite dessert; I count on
him to always offer me the biggest piece. He counts on me to
remember dates, milestones and traditions; I count on him
to help guide our kids into the Father’s arms.
We count on each other to be true and to look to the Word
before the world. When we said our vows, we counted on
marriage having hard days. But learning to count on each
other, instead of counting ourselves better than each other,
has been the greatest blessing. •
Julia Springman and her husband, Perry, have been married for 23 years
and have four children. They spent their first years together doing youth
and outreach ministry in Europe, Australia and North America. Now they
tour as a family band with their kids, ages 10 to 17.
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

COUPLES / INTIMACY
‘ Not Tonight,
I Have a Headache
When a husband and wife
’
have different sex drives
BY GARY THOMAS / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

INTIMACY / COUPLES
EMILY HAS A HORMONAL
CONDITION that causes an
above-average level of testosterone.
The result is an increased libido. “I’m
good to go most anytime,” she says.
“And if Fred [her husband] wants to
have sex multiple times in the same
day, I’m all for it!”
Fred, meanwhile, has what most
counselors would call an average
libido. Now in his late 40s, he’s ready
for a sexual encounter about two or
three times a week, but that’s less than
half of what Emily would prefer.
Frustration first showed up on their
honeymoon. Emily expected that after
the wedding she and Fred would have
sex a couple of times a day, every day.
Fred had different expectations. “Emily
pursuing me sexually was a constant,”
he remembers.
Emily concurs, and Fred’s lack of
reciprocation was hurtful. She’d tell him,
“Do you have any idea how many husbands
wish their wives were like me?”
Fred knew that was true, but he
insisted, “You don’t give me a chance
to be a pursuer.”
As the years went by without much
change, Emily’s heart started to close.
Jamal & Shanice
Jamal* and Shanice* endured a contentious
sexual relationship for the
first several years of marriage. Jamal
desired sex almost every day, but by
year two their sex life resembled a
lunar calendar—maybe once a month.
And Shanice says even that once-amonth
session was often out of “duty.”
It’s not that she didn’t enjoy sex;
“Jamal is a skilled lover!” Shanice says.
And sex only became something she
wanted to do while in the midst of it.
After struggling through years of discouragement,
they knew they had to
make a change. Both are committed
believers, and in their minds, divorce
wasn’t an option. But they also didn’t
want to stay miserable. Both of them
started reading marriage books, desperate
to find a way to resolve conflict
while keeping their relationship intact.
Perspective
If you and your spouse are struggling
with contrasting sex drives, it helps to
gain a little perspective. Differing libidos
is typically portrayed as a major
problem, but it’s actually the norm for
about 90% of couples. In fact, it’s more
unusual when both spouses want the
same amount of sex, or even at the
same time. There’s nothing particularly
unusual about a marriage that resembles
most other marriages.
The truth is that couples rarely think
alike when it comes to the timing of
other aspects of their relationship: serious
conversations, playful outings or
even dining out. There are a lot of areas
where spousal desires don’t match up.
Expecting to have equal libidos simply
isn’t realistic. Constant badgering for
sex can be part of an abusive relationship.
This advice is for couples where
both partners feel safe and free to
express their desire or to say no without
fear of reprisal.
Gatekeeping
Shanice became convicted when
she joined a small group with other
Christian wives and someone mentioned
“gatekeeping.” Counselors use
this term in different ways, but in this
context, the wives used it to describe
how one spouse controls what happens
in the bedroom. The gatekeeper
spouse is always saying yes or no or is
the one who sets up a list of conditions
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15

COUPLES / INTIMACY
for sexual intimacy to occur.
Of course, every spouse deserves
the freedom to say, without fear, “Not
tonight, honey.” Sex takes a significant
contribution of relational, emotional
and physical energy, and sometimes
a spouse just can’t get there. Lack of
sexual desire can also arise from their
partner’s poor hygiene, high demands
or selfish lovemaking. Those are relational
issues more than sexual issues.
Gatekeeping isn’t an occasional “Not
tonight.” It’s a pattern of controlling
your spouse by making sex so difficult
to experience that he or she has
to jump through hoops. If the spouse
doesn’t jump through those hoops correctly,
the gatekeeping spouse can say,
“Aha! I don’t have to have sex tonight!”
How do you move beyond gatekeeping?
Well, making sex an
obligation—through lecturing about
gatekeeping, pouting or making your
spouse feel guilty—is certainly one
of the worst ways. It’s best to focus
on creating a sexual relationship
marked by mutual pleasure, addressing
each spouse’s spiritual, emotional,
relational and physical health (all
of which can interfere with libido).
In many marriages, when spouses
address those issues, gatekeeping will
die a natural death.
In other marriages, however, gatekeeping
can be rooted in manipulation
and selfishness. Shanice freely admits
that was the case in her marriage. It
wasn’t about malice, but more from
a lack of awareness about how much
damage her lack of interest was doing
to their marriage.
Different drives
The second piece of Jamal and
Shanice’s puzzle was understanding
the difference between “responsive
drive” and “spontaneous drive.”
Spontaneous drive refers to a spouse
who doesn’t need much of a trigger to
desire sex. A glimpse of their spouse’s
body or a suggestive touch can have
him or her ready to go.
Responsive drive refers to the spouse
who rarely thinks about intimacy until
he or she is sexually stimulated—who
doesn’t desire sex until sex is already
underway. The way their brain operates,
they need some form of desired
physical caressing before the thought
of sex becomes inviting. And if they
don’t allow the touch to take place,
sex seems like more of a chore than
a welcomed invitation. They may be
thoroughly satisfied once sex happens,
but they tend to prefer memories of sex
more than anticipating sex.
Your sex drive isn’t your fault. Your
brain is what it is. But understanding
the differences between spontaneous
and responsive desire can make a
big difference. For a responsive-drive
spouse, it helps to remember that just
because you rarely desire sex, that
doesn’t mean your relationship doesn’t
need more frequent sexual intimacy.
Convicted about her gatekeeping
habits, and better informed about her
own drive, Shanice says she started
trying to be more open to Jamal’s
advances. Instead of always defaulting
to “no”—or worse, shaming him
for wanting to have sex regularly—she
tried to allow for the possibility.
Shanice started speaking kindly but
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

INTIMACY / COUPLES
firmly to herself. It’s OK. He’s just massaging
you. Relax, and don’t say an
automatic “no.” See if you can get into
this and accept that this is his way of
showing love. You can show your love
for him by touching him back.
So she did.
Getting to
root issues
Don’t take it personally. One of the
worst things each spouse can do is
take differing desires personally. The
spouse who wants sex more often typically
feels unwanted; the spouse who
wants sex less often is sometimes
made to feel broken. Neither perspective
leads to healing.
Fred’s desire, for example, was
entirely normal; there wasn’t something
wrong with him. At the same time,
Emily wondered if there was something
wrong with her, especially when she
kept hearing that husbands are typically
the ones pursuing their wives.
Men and women married to a
responsive partner need to realize
that just because your spouse isn’t
initiating sex doesn’t mean he or she
doesn’t like you or that your spouse
doesn’t want to have sex with you.
“Don’t fight about whether your
spouse initiates,” Jamal says. “They
can’t help how low their libido is. Just
be glad that he or she is willing to be
responsive.”
Remember that maybe is a healthy
word. Shanice learned that defaulting
to “no” wasn’t helpful, but she and
Jamal also had to learn how to live with
“maybe” for a time. Cuddling in bed is
not a guarantee that more will happen,
but couples can kiss a little and see if
something is awakened. Much of the
time sexual desire will show up, but
not all of the time, and both partners
need to be OK with that. The key is to
get beyond that automatic “no.”
“I know Shanice is committed to having
mutually satisfying sex on a regular
basis,” Jamal explains, “but I also know
that doesn’t mean she’s going to be up
for it on any given night just because
I am. She gives me a chance to get
her interested; if it doesn’t happen, it
doesn’t happen, but I appreciate that
she was at least open to the idea.”
Sometimes Shanice’s love and care
for Jamal means being open to intimacy
whether or not that leads to sex.
And Jamal’s love and care for Shanice
means not pressuring for sex when she
just can’t desire it like he does.
Talk about why as much as you talk
about what. If you’re a spontaneousdrive
spouse, don’t just tell your spouse
what you want; tell him or her why you
want it and what it means to you.
It’s a different conversation when a
husband says, “You’re the most beautiful,
kind, intelligent woman in the world,
and I just want to be as close to you as
possible.”
Or when a wife says: “We haven’t
been connecting lately, and I know
making love with you will help us do
that. I miss it!”
Look for other issues. For Emily,
her sexual desire was fueled in part
by emotional fears that Fred could
address in other ways. This is a good
reminder that sexual issues are almost
never solely about sex. The relationship
might need spiritual healing
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

COUPLES / INTIMACY
(getting rid of porn), emotional healing
(dealing with trauma), physical
healing (poor health can inhibit sexual
desire and performance) and
relational healing (anger and bitterness
are libido assassins).
Today
Shanice is thrilled with their new sexual
relationship: “I’m much happier
in my marriage. The weight of those ill
feelings (resentment and guardedness)
has lifted.”
Even though she’s a responsivedrive
person, Shanice admits, “I like
having sex more often. With more frequent
sex, trust has grown, happiness
has grown, and . . . I understand him
better.”
Jamal is also happy but admits,
“More would be good.” Of course, if he
pouted about the fact that he wasn’t
getting sex four or five times a week,
he’d wreck the two or three times
a week that they do have sex. But if
Shanice expected him to be happy
with once a month, Jamal wouldn’t
pout. He’d simply withdraw.
The lesson: If you obsess over the
gap between what you have and what
you want, you might ruin everything.
As for Emily and Fred, Emily is still
up for sex just about any time. But
they’ve settled into having sex approximately
every other day, and both seem
satisfied with that. Their divergent libidos
were once a source of pain and
heartache, yet now this couple experience
joy and comfort.
When it comes to differing libidos,
there’s no right or wrong answer to
how often a couple “should” have sex.
The key is that sex becomes a blessing
to both spouses in a marriage relationship
rather than a burden. •
*names have been changed
Gary Thomas is the author of Sacred Marriage
and Cherish, and the co-author of Married
Sex: A Christian couple’s guide to reimagining
your love life.
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

A way to keep
your marriage
fresh and fun
laugh
together
BY TED CUNNINGHAM
PHOTOS BY BRITTANY CRUSE
(PATTERN) ELENA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

MAKING MY WIFE LAUGH
is part of my mission in life. And Amy’s
laugh is truly something to see. She
goes silent, places her hand over her
heart, leans forward and stops breathing.
After I tell her a particularly
amusing joke, I’m careful to follow up
with, “Breathe, babe, breathe.” I’m not
always successful at making my wife
laugh, but I’ll take a chuckle, snicker
or smile any day. Laughter keeps our
marriage fresh and fun.
Whether you’ve been married a
few years or several decades, being
intentional about the simple things,
including shared laughter, is life-giving.
This is what fascinates me: If Amy and
I are intentional, little connections
begin to feel natural again. If we’re
not intentional, we drift apart. No
one chooses to drift in marriage; drift
sneaks in when we stop enjoying life
together. Here’s how you and your
spouse can stay intentional and keep
the laughter rolling:
Forced laughter
Most of the time, a good joke needs
no introduction. One of the keys is
the element of surprise. You don’t
want the other person to see the
punch line coming.
But that’s not my wife’s method.
She introduces her jokes and humorous
stories with, “I’m going to tell you
a joke” or “I need to share something
funny that happened to me today.”
What she’s really saying is, “I’d like you
to laugh after I tell you this.”
Her approach is brilliant because
it gets a double laugh almost every
time. I often start laughing right away
because her upfront request is humorous
enough. And if the punch line isn’t
very funny, or if I’ve heard the joke
before, I fake laugh, and then we both
crack up. We’re so good at the fake
laughter and do it so often that it turns
into genuine laughter soon enough.
Amy makes me laugh the most
when she forces herself to laugh at
my groan-worthy dad jokes. I tell
them just so she can get the ball rolling
with a forced chuckle. Laughter is
(PATTERN) ELENA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

STRENGTHENING / COUPLES
contagious—even when it starts with a
fake laugh.
Laughter in the grind
When Amy and I were dating, no one
needed to tell us to laugh more, spend
time together or speak kindly to each
other. What came naturally early on
needs to become intentional later on.
As time passes, the grind of life can
become grueling and exhausting. In
the midst of our labor, King Solomon
reminds us to enjoy life together:
“Enjoy life with the wife whom you love,
all the days of your vain life that he
has given you under the sun, because
that is your portion in life and in your
toil at which you toil under the sun”
(Ecclesiastes 9:9). God did not give
you a spouse to cause you exhaustion.
He gave you your spouse so you could
navigate the grind of life together.
When Amy and I are in a rush to get
out of the house, or if the kids or dogs
need our attention, I intentionally hold
back on the jokes. Yet moments of
laughter can provide a welcome break
in the routine of the daily grind.
Healing laughter
Laughter can help us cope with difficult
seasons and stages of life, but
there is a time and place for joking.
Amy and I are careful never to
use humor to avoid hard conversations.
Humor can often defuse tension
and conflict, but if we take things too
far, jokes can easily turn to sarcasm.
At least in our marriage, we’ve found
that sarcasm does not build intimacy.
Good-hearted humor does.
We don’t always have control over
the trials of life, but we have plenty of
input when it comes to enjoying life
together. A couple can choose to either
allow what life throws at them to bring
them down or maintain a sense of
humor in the midst of it.
The humanity
of laughter
Humor helps us lighten up and not take
ourselves so seriously. Yet Amy and I
are careful to avoid humor that involves
name-calling and references to looks or
appearances. There are plenty of times
we need to be serious in life, but taking
ourselves too seriously can be draining.
And while making fun of yourself can
make you more relatable, making fun
of your spouse is a terrible strategy for
building intimacy.
For example, 25 years of marriage
hasn’t stopped me from modeling
my wardrobe for Amy as I’m getting
dressed. I have been known to strut like
a New York runway model and give my
wife “the smolder.” Don’t know what
the smolder is? It’s a tilt of the head, a
raise of the left eyebrow and a whimsical,
sexy pucker of the lips. But trust me,
when I do the smolder, there is nothing
sexy about it.
In other words, I can make fun of
what I’m wearing, or my messy hair, but
I don’t do that to my wife. Part of our
shared humor is that Amy defends me
when I’m using self-deprecating humor.
It’s odd when your spouse defends you
to yourself, but it makes for some lighthearted,
honoring moments in our
marriage.
LISTEN NOW!
Listen to Ted Cunningham on the
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family broadcast
as he explains that laughter is a
key component for a thriving and
lasting marriage.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
Physical laughter
A hearty laugh burns calories. According
to one Vanderbilt University study, you
can shed up to 40 calories a day with
just 15 minutes of vigorous laughter.
A good belly laugh also reduces tension
throughout your entire body.
You know that relaxed feeling you get
after a good workout? The same feeling
occurs after you exert yourself in
laughter. I love when people laugh to
the point of saying, “My face hurts” or
“My side aches.” That’s a good sign that
you just released a whole lot of tension.
Are you ready to laugh? To lighten
up, cut loose and enjoy life together?
Make it a goal to bring a smile to your
spouse’s face. Share something embarrassing
that you said or did today.
Practice a joke on the way home and
deliver it over dinner. It might not get a
belly laugh, but more often than not, it
will likely yield a smile that says, Thank
you for the attempt. Considering all the
benefits of laughter, what are you waiting
for? •
Ted Cunningham is the lead pastor at
Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson,
Missouri, and author of Fun Loving You:
Enjoying your marriage in the midst of the grind.

COUPLES / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT
hope restored
A marriage intensive experience
BY SCOTT JOHNSON
“I REALLY DON’T LOVE
MARK ANYMORE. I don’t care if
we get a divorce. I wouldn’t even care if
he had an affair. It wouldn’t impact my
feelings for him.”
Mark and Angie Pyatt’s fellowship
group sat in stunned silence as Angie
vented her frustrations for the first time.
The pressures had been building in the
first few years of their marriage. As a
deacon in their church, Mark’s work
schedule went well beyond overtime
every week. Angie had recently given
birth to their second child after a trying
pregnancy. Also in the mix was the
financial strain of building a house.
Through it all, Mark became distant and
uncommunicative.
But in the weeks and months after
Angie dropped that bombshell in front
of their friends, the Pyatts were able to
find a still-glimmering ember of the
love that had drawn them together.
They embarked on a road of healing.
Along the way, they encountered
a team of experts in their hometown
of Branson, Missouri, who were
developing a strategic blueprint for
marriage-crisis intervention. Eventually,
when their own relationship was back
on track, the Pyatts joined that outreach,
known today as <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s
Hope Restored marriage intensives.
A rich heritage
The roots of Hope Restored trace back
to the work of relationship expert Gary
Smalley. Gary founded the Smalley
Relationship Center in Branson in
the early 1990s to expand on his writings
and seminars. He was soon joined
by his son Dr. Greg Smalley and other
skilled professionals including Dr. Bob
Paul. The facility was subsequently
renamed the National Institute of
Marriage (NIM).
The team dug deep into existing
research on relationships while working
with hundreds of couples. They
discovered that traditional marriage
counseling can often only scratch the
surface of the more complex difficulties
that many couples experience.
By 2002, Greg and Bob had led the
team in developing what they called
the “marriage intensive”—a process
in which specially trained therapists
guide a struggling couple through an
immersive multiday deep dive to identify
and address the core issues that
impact their relationship.
Greg and his wife, Erin, joined <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family in the U.S. in 2011 to
head up the ministry’s marriage efforts.
<strong>Focus</strong> leaders quickly recognized the
life-changing potential of the marriage
intensive model. In May 2014,
<strong>Focus</strong> acquired NIM and the Branson
property. Two years later the initiative
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / COUPLES
was renamed the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Marriage Institute.
The therapy program itself became Hope Restored: A
Marriage Intensive Experience.
Today, couples can choose from three retreat-center
locations in the U.S.—Missouri, Michigan and Georgia.
Work is currently underway to establish a fourth location
in the Southwest, with eventual plans calling for multiple
retreat centers spread across the country. <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family Canada has also picked up the Hope Restored
model with centers in Alberta, Manitoba and Ontario.
A different kind of counseling
In a traditional counseling model, a couple attends a
series of sessions with a therapist or pastor, most often
about an hour at a time once a week. Much of each session
may be spent unpacking experiences from the
previous week, and then the couple return to their daily
routine. This model is certainly helpful for some marital
issues, but progress can be slow and may be insufficient
to address deep problems.
By contrast, a Hope Restored intensive brings a struggling
couple into a nurturing, focused environment for
several days with all external distractions removed. Caring
teams of hosts, hospitality staff and therapists welcome the
intensive participants to top-notch private accommodations
at a secluded location. Everything is geared toward
discovering and addressing the core issues impacting both
husband and wife, with the goal of initiating individual
healing as well as renewed connection as a couple.
Hope Restored attendees receive direct assistance at
multiple levels: one-on-one counseling (husband/male
therapist, wife/female therapist), interactive guided work
together, and—in the program’s four-day intensives—
transparent discussion in group settings with a few other
couples. While some people express reluctance about
the group aspect, it’s actually one of the more impactful
elements of the experience. Many couples report that
they experience a sense of empowerment in hearing others
openly share the same challenges and realize they’re
not walking the road alone. Attendees often form lasting
friendships with the peers who take those first steps of the
healing journey alongside them. >>>
Alberta
LOCATION
Manitoba
LOCATION
Ontario
LOCATION
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23

COUPLES / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT
Additionally, Hope Restored doesn’t
end when the few days at the retreat
centers are done. An after-care program
provides further support, including
multiple follow-up sessions over the
phone. Special arrangements are made
for couples who desire future care,
with a view toward long-term relational
stability.
Over the past 20 years, nearly 9,000
couples have participated in one of
these intensive options. Most have
already tried other forms of counseling
and view the program as a last resort;
a high percentage of attendees have
already filed for divorce. But research
consistently shows that 82% of couples
who complete Hope Restored intensives
are still married two years later.
They also report a much higher level of
satisfaction in their relationship.
Opening the door
Mark Pyatt now serves as the chief
of Family Ministries at <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family in the U.S. As he watches couples
come to Hope Restored, he
identifies with the struggles of the couples
who arrive.
“Something has been missing in the
relationship for a long period of time,”
Mark says. “In some ways, one spouse
feels like they’re dying emotionally.”
He compares the chaos within these
marriages to the desperation of a
drowning victim. In an attempt to “get
air,” one spouse might move out, ask
for a divorce or have an affair.
“At Hope Restored, we’re not interested
in putting you back under the
water,” Mark explains. “We want to
bring the whole marriage to the surface.
Our goal is to see you both
whole, healthy, fully attended to and
excited about moving forward in your
marriage.”
Dr. Bob Paul, architect of the Hope
Restored program, offers a clinical
perspective.
“When couples come to an intensive,
a husband, wife or both might say, ‘I
don’t feel love anymore toward my
spouse.’ They think that’s the end of
their marriage because the love is gone.”
To Bob, hearing that there’s a “lack
of love” in the relationship doesn’t
translate into a lack of hope.
“The only reason the love isn’t there
at that point is that the door to their
heart is closed and the love is not able
to come through,” Bob says. “If we
want to experience the fullness of love
for our spouse, we start by asking the
Lord to let us see through His eyes and
feel with His heart. That helps open
the door.”
Bob points to the question all couples
are asked before coming to a Hope
Restored intensive: “If God was to work
a miracle in your marriage, would you
accept it?” Couples must answer “yes”
in order to take part in the program.
Devoted to unity
When both husband and wife are
flourishing in who God made them
each to be, and working together as
a couple, powerful things happen. As
Bob puts it: “Marriage is a team sport
by God’s design. When you’re on the
same team, you either both win or you
both lose. There is no such thing as a
win-lose outcome in marriage, ever.”
The Hope Restored staff is mindful
that God is devoted to unity. By inviting
Him to work in marriages, they’ve
seen how He can take an otherwise
hopeless situation and reorient a husband
and wife to a path of healing and
reconciliation.
The bottom line of the equation is
simple but powerful:
Unity Renewed + Purpose Refreshed
= Hope . . . Restored •
Scott Johnson is a senior writer in the Ministry
Values division at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / COUPLES
Hope Restored attendees are invited
to share testimonials for future
participants to read. Here are samples
from recent intensives:
“
“
THERE WERE TIMES in the week I was [just]
hanging on, but I trusted the counselors, the
process—and God to work. I believe our feet
have been set on a new path for healing. I feel
I’m experiencing a miracle in the making and
I’m hopeful and positive as we continue walking
in what we’ve learned.
WE CAME HERE LOST, scared and hopeless!
We didn’t see an end to the hurt and struggle.
I felt unsure that [Hope Restored] would work
for us and that something would change. But
everything changed. I felt heard and seen and
cared for—for the first time in a long time. I feel
so excited for the future!
”
”
“
COMING HERE WAS OUR
LAST HOPE to keep our
marriage together. I had my
doubts, and walls were up
in my mind and heart. God
had a plan, though! We had
two wonderful facilitators/
counselors and three other
couples who came together
with the tools needed to
make our marriage work.
I cannot wait to see what
God has in store for me and
my bride!
”
WinShape Retreat, Hope
Restored Georgia location
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25

The Hope Restored
marriage intensive program
A proven, biblically based program to restore
and rebuild your marriage.
“Game changer!! We have become more in love since
Hope Restored. It’s a wonderful feeling when you have tools to help
navigate through difficult conversations and feel safe enough to fall in love
with your best friend all over again! We so appreciate all we learned and all
of what <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family did for our relationship and marriage!”
— hope restored attendee
if you or someone you know is facing significant
marital distress, call us. we want to help.
1.833.999.HOPE (4673) | HOPERESTOREDCANADA.CA

Faith & Inspiration
my mom’s
heritage of
forgiveness
A spiritual insight
from <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family’s international
leadership
Adelita, Sixto’s mother
BY SIXTO PORRAS
CREDIT PHOTO COURTESY TK
OF THE PORRAS FAMILY
MY PARENTS’ UPBRING-
ING in beautiful Costa Rica was
anything but idyllic.
My mother was the daughter of one
of my grandfather’s mistresses, who
gave my mom to an aunt when she
was young. Mom experienced abuse
and violence as a child. Her childhood
was one of work, pain and abandonment.
She described her father as a
cruel man.
“When he finished his coffee, he
would throw the cup at my head,” she
said. “That was the sign that he had
finished.”
My father was one of eight children.
After their father died, my dad began
working at banana plantations and
docks as a 13-year-old to help feed the
family.
When my parents got married, they
didn’t know much about building a
family. But when my mom met God,
she learned the art of forgiveness. After
receiving forgiveness for herself, she
was then able to give it to the people
around her. Mom began to let go of
the chains of the past, and that led to
a desire to reconnect with her own
mom—not from a place of pain, but
from healing and the hope that comes
from forgiveness.
When I was 19, my mom and I went
to Nicaragua to try and find my grandmother.
“What if you find her?” I asked.
“What will you do?”
“If I have not forgiven . . . my desire for
revenge would cause me to speak words
of bitterness and pain,” she said. >>>
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27

REGRET AND
RENEWAL
on American Idol
But since she had found forgiveness, she
knew her response would be very different.
“If I find her, all I want to do is tell her that
I’m doing well. She must have suffered for
many years wondering whatever happened
to her daughter. And if she is struggling or has
any need, I will bring her to live with me.”
We never found my grandmother, but
years later when Mom passed away, my siblings
and I were reminiscing about her life.
One of my brothers asked, “Knowing how
much pain Mom went through, how is it that
we cannot hate?”
That’s when I became aware that forgiveness
not only impacts my life, but it also
establishes a new foundation for the next
generation. Rather than living as victims, forgiveness
gives us the opportunity to shine in
a new way.
The power of forgiveness brings healing and
hope, allowing us to live life with a different
perspective. •
Sixto Porras serves as the regional director of Enfoque
a la Familia in San José, Costa Rica. He and his wife,
Helen, have two children, Daniel and Esteban, and
three grandchildren, Emiliano, Mateo and Eva.
COMING IN MARCH
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s outreach
to Spanish-speaking audiences in
the U.S. and across Latin America
includes:
W
atching worship pastor Phil Stacey
perform on the American Idol TV
show in 2007, it appeared that all his
dreams were coming true. But in reality,
his life was falling apart. Read Phil’s story
to learn how fame led him to a dark place,
and how he escaped the lure of an empty
idol to experience the fullness of God.
the Enfoque a la Familia broadcast,
which has 2 million weekly
listeners on 600 radio stations in
27 countries
Spanish-language versions of
Plugged In, Adventures in Odyssey
and That the World May Know—
plus books and audio products
conferences and speaking
engagements that reach thousands
of families per month
Learn more at
EnfoqueALaFamilia.com.
Order online at
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800

LOVE / FAITH & INSPIRATION
Practical steps for developing a fruit
of the Spirit in your marriage
BY BOB LEPINE / PHOTOS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
MY WIFE MIGHT TELL
YOU I am a patient husband. And
I might agree. Until she’s not doing
things the right way.
My way.
I’ve never thought of myself as the
type of guy who gets easily annoyed.
Well, except when someone is driving in
the left lane at exactly the same speed as
the car next to him in the right lane. Or
when someone at the grocery store waits
until all her groceries have been scanned
and the total is rung up before she even
begins to reach for her debit card.
OK, so apparently there are some
things that try my patience.
Isn’t that true for all of us? Whether it’s
a 3-year-old who uses his bedroom walls
for an art project or a 13-year-old who
keeps her earbuds in and her parents
tuned out, it’s possible for any of us to
become irritated. And when our spouses
try our patience, it’s a different type of
agitation. After all, they’re grown-ups
who are supposed to know better.
Petty irritations can seem a bit
like gnats, irritants that are pesky but
mostly innocuous. But I assure you
they aren’t at all like harmless gnats.
They’re more like a termite infestation.
We all experience irritations, but it’s
how we handle those irritants that can
lead to problems. >>>
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29

FAITH & INSPIRATION / LOVE
Practice patience
and self-control
I’m fascinated how the most comprehensive
definition of love we find in the
Bible begins with this statement: “Love
is patient” (1 Corinthians 13:4, emphasis
mine). In other words, the starting
point for a loving relationship is recognizing
that we must first deal with our
own impatience when another person
isn’t living up to our expectations or is
doing things we find annoying.
Patience is not the ability to wait;
it’s the ability to keep a good attitude
while we wait. Patience means enduring
hardship or misfortune without
complaining. Patience, in many ways,
means perseverance.
Impatience, on the other hand, is
the calling card of someone with a
lack of self-control. Author Janette Oke
once said, “Impatience can cause wise
people to do foolish things.” What’s
worse, impatience really does come to
us naturally. It is who we are without
God’s wisdom influencing our lives.
Patience is supernatural. It’s a fruit
of the Spirit. When we begin to walk by
His Spirit, God goes to work in us, conforming
us to the image of His Son. As
we grow in grace, we grow in patience.
What does patience look like in our
lives? Scripture gives us a good picture
of true patience: “Know this, my
beloved brothers: let every person be
quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to
anger; for the anger of man does not
produce the righteousness of God”
(James 1:19-20).
This passage gives us three actions
to work on as we seek to develop
patience in our marriages. Here are
some practical steps you can take:
Listen with your face
Did you ever wonder why God
designed us with two ears and one
mouth? Maybe He was suggesting the
correct proportion for the use of each!
How would our relationships—especially
our marriages—change if we
were committed to becoming better at
focused listening?
A father was scrolling through his
email one morning while his young
daughter talked nonstop about how
much fun she’d had the day before
playing with a friend. Periodically, the
dad would nod or mumble an “uh-huh”
while his daughter chattered away.
The girl soon realized her dad wasn’t
really paying attention. She got up
from her chair and put her hand right
in front of the screen. “Daddy!” she
30
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

LOVE / FAITH & INSPIRATION
exclaimed. “Listen with your face!”
In our distracted world, we think
we’ve become experts at multitasking.
In reality, we have become failures at
the kind of focused listening that is necessary
for a healthy relationship to grow.
It’s not just a 4-year-old who wants
her daddy to listen with his face. Every
spouse longs for genuine moments
of communication and connection.
Indeed, marriages shrivel when we’re
too preoccupied to pay careful attention
to what our spouses are saying.
Minimize distractions
Unfocused listening makes a powerful
statement. It says that what we’re
distracted by is more important than
whatever is on our spouse’s mind.
When someone is speaking to us, sharing
his or her thoughts, opinions,
hopes, fears or feelings, our unfocused
listening says, I have more important
things to think about.
I was on a business trip when I
decided to check in with my wife, Mary
Ann. I was in my hotel room watching
ESPN when I picked up the phone to
call her. I tapped the mute button on the
remote so she couldn’t hear the game.
My wife soon recognized that
she wasn’t getting my full attention.
“Whatcha watching?” she asked. Busted.
<strong>Focus</strong>ed listening is a powerful
first step in the cultivation of godly
patience. We choose to set aside distractions.
We make sure that whatever
we’re discussing is our main priority in
that moment.
Your phone can wait. The game can
wait. <strong>Focus</strong>ed listening is a demonstration
of patience toward those we love.
Bite your tongue
There are lots of reasons why the Bible
tells us we should be slow to speak.
Anyone who has ever spoken impulsively,
without thinking, knows the
damage that can occur when we haven’t
carefully considered what exactly
we’re hoping to communicate.
“Death and life are in the power
of the tongue” says the old proverb
(Proverbs 18:21). The book of James
says the tongue has as much power
as a small fire that has the potential
to torch an entire forest (3:5-6). It’s
because the tongue is so dangerous
that we need to be careful before we
speak. In a marriage relationship, our
tongues can speak with love or do a
whole lot of damage.
Just because something pops into
your head doesn’t mean everyone
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31

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around you needs to know what you’re
thinking! A patient person stops to
consider not only what he or she wants
to say but also when and where and
how to say it.
If my wife has something important
to say, she knows that the first 30
minutes of my day isn’t a good time to
have that conversation with me. And
I’ve learned over the years that trying
to have a meaningful conversation
with her at night when she’s tired is a
bad idea. Being slow to speak involves
learning when to speak.
Measure your words
When Mary Ann and I find ourselves in
the middle of a marital disagreement,
we have sometimes employed what Dr.
Gary Smalley called “drive-thru talking.”
In the same way that a fast-food
employee repeats your order to you to
make sure he got it right, Mary Ann and
I will sometimes repeat back to each
other what we heard the other person
say before we express our perspective
or opinion. This practice not only forces
us to be slow to speak, but it also forces
us to listen carefully to what our partner
is saying before we jump in.
I agree with the sentiment that
words are so powerful that managing
them is key to permanent change in
your marriage. This is why learning to
tame your tongue is such a big deal.
Being slow to speak requires selfcontrol.
And self-control is a fruit of the
Spirit. When we are able to control our
tongues, we are giving evidence that
God’s Spirit is at work in us.
Cool it
What is the opposite of patience? Most
of us would quickly answer “impatience.”
But think about impatience for
a minute. Isn’t it simply a softer word
for “anger”? When we are impatient
with one another, more often than not
our anger is on display.
Once again, the book of James
speaks directly to the question of anger.
Not only does it tell us to be slow to
anger, but it also tells us the reason
why we get angry in the first place.
It’s because our “passions are at war
within [us]” (4:1). When we don’t get
our way or our desires are not met, we
get angry.
Anger is usually a defense mechanism.
It manifests when we are hurt

LOVE / FAITH & INSPIRATION
AN UPCOMING BROADCAST
Tune in this Valentine’s Day to the
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family broadcast as
guest Bob Lepine shares in this
upcoming program about how to
show love to your spouse.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
or fearful or feel threatened in some
way. We lash out at our spouses in
an attempt to get them to back down.
Anger can be the tool people use when
they feel insecure and vulnerable.
But as James points out, “The
anger of man does not produce the
righteousness of God” (1:20). There
is rarely a righteous root feeding our
anger. More often, it’s because we
didn’t get our way.
The writer of Ecclesiastes warns us,
“Do not be eager in your spirit to be
angry, for anger resides in the heart of
fools” (7:9, NASB).
Control your anger
People have developed techniques to
help us better manage or control our
anger. We can take deep breaths or
count to 10 or walk away from a conflict.
There’s nothing wrong with those
practices. But ultimately, what we
need to do is dial down the anger.
The Bible tells us to put away “anger,
wrath, malice, slander, and obscene
talk” (Colossians 3:8). We can—and
should—prayerfully work to control
how we respond to the flashes of
anger we experience in life. But the
solution goes beyond simply trying to
curb our anger. We have to replace it
with godly virtues, such as compassion,
kindness, humility, meekness
and patience (verse 12). By learning
to demonstrate these qualities, we are
learning to replace anger with love.
Pursue patience
The path to patience is a long one. It
takes time, intentionality and effort to
grow in this Spirit-empowered virtue.
The three steps outlined in James 1:19-
20 are not the complete answer to how
we grow in patience, but they provide
us with a great starting point.
Begin with a commitment to becoming
a better, more focused listener.
Practice waiting to speak until you’ve
fully heard what your spouse has to
say and are able to demonstrate that
you’ve heard him or her. And decide
today that in addition to curbing your
anger, you’ll proactively look for ways
to show kindness to your spouse. •
Bob Lepine is the co-host of “Truth for Life”
with Alistair Begg and former co-host of the
“FamilyLife Today” radio program. He is the
author of Love Like You Mean It: The heart of a
marriage that honors God.
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

FAITH & INSPIRATION / PERSONAL STORY
a legacy of life
God had a plan for my mom,
for me and my daughter
BY ERICA RENAUD
PHOTO BY MATT & BECCA RENAUD
Erica, her daughter Kaylee
and her mother, Susan
I WASN’T ACTUALLY PREG-
NANT, WAS I? It was the end of my
senior year of high school. I was only 17.
Several well-intentioned friends
expressed their “support” for me to get
an abortion: You have so much opportunity
ahead of you.
But I wasn’t interested in an abortion.
Why won’t you just consider it? many
of them urged.
I grew impatient as I gave the same
reply over and over. “Because this is
my baby!” In all the abortion discussions,
I was defending my daughter’s
right to life.
Finding support
When I worked up the nerve to tell my
parents, I knew they would support my
decision. God had laid the groundwork
for this decision long before I was born.
In May 1980, my mother was 25
and had a 2-year-old and a newborn.
Her community proposed building a
women’s clinic that would perform
abortions. My mother was in favor of
it, until she watched a Christian television
program in which a preacher
shared about Jesus. That afternoon,
she gave her life to Christ.
Something instantly changed within
her. She immediately understood that
abortion was wrong. Of all the things
the Holy Spirit might have opened her
mind to understand, it seemed that His
first priority was to stir my mother’s
heart. Through the Holy Spirit’s leading,
she was inspired to take a stand
against the new women’s clinic.
My mother spent the next decade
heavily involved in the pro-life movement.
She never shied away from
teaching me the reality and tragedy of
abortion.
Understanding
my options
So at 17, I told my mother I would
probably make an adoption plan.
“Well, adoption is an option,” she
said, “but it isn’t to be taken lightly. If
you want to raise your baby, you can.
I’ll be here to help.”
I had been so concerned with
defending the life of my baby, it hadn’t
dawned on me that I could raise her.
My daughter recently turned 16.
I reminded her that her story didn’t
just begin at her birth. It didn’t even
begin with my birth. God was already
preparing for my daughter’s life on
the day He spoke to her grandma all
those years before. And we’re so glad
He did. •
Erica Renaud is an author, public speaker and
radio host. She loves leading prayer at her
local church and being a wife and mother.
34
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

Kids & Teens
Lisa, Addie and Jesh
shootin’
hoops while
shootin’ the
breeze
A parenting insight
from Lisa Johnson
PHOTO BY SHEENA MAGNESEN
MY FAMILY AND I have always
spent a lot of time indoors because
of the Midwest’s frigid winters and
humidity-heated summers. To encourage
more activity and interaction, we
invested in an outdoor basketball hoop.
This may sound pretty insignificant,
but that hoop has been life-giving for
our family.
Before we bought it, we’d have dinner
after my husband returned home
from work and then watch something
on TV to unwind. But now we’re
outside almost every night with our
7-year-old daughter, Addie. We get into
some awesome conversations with her
while we shoot hoops.
My husband and I even talk more as
a couple as we debrief about the day.
I’m thankful that something as simple
as a basketball hoop has helped us
connect more as a family. •
Lisa Johnson is a former kindergarten teacher
turned home-school mom and blogger.
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35

KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY
36
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

INTENTIONALITY / KIDS & TEENS
Simple strategies I used to
give my attention to the
right people—my family
BY DAVE ALPERN
©PAIGE STUMBO / STOCKSY UNITED
AS A CHILD, I KNEW my parents
loved me deeply. At the same time, my dad
was a top official in the CIA and was often
away—and that meant we didn’t spend as
much time together as I would have liked.
In addition, it was ingrained in me early
on that I needed to get into a great college,
land a great job and earn a lot of money. I
felt immense pressure to succeed and never
believed I could live up to that expectation.
After I married my college sweetheart,
Stacey, and we started a family, I knew the
season of life when my three boys were
small would be short. From the day we
brought our twins home, I resolved to have
no regrets and would be an “all-in” dad.
I also strove to teach them that their identity
is not in performance or achievements.
I desired for them to feel loved for who
they are, not for whether they meet my
expectations and standards.
Words in action
J.D. Gibbs, Coach Joe Gibbs’ oldest son and
my best friend, modeled what it looked like
to put his family first. I remember being in
an intense meeting in his dad’s office one
afternoon involving Joe’s NASCAR team.
We had a crisis going on with a driver—
which was not uncommon—and heated
words were flying.
At 4:30, J.D. started walking out of the
room.
“What?” I exclaimed. “Where are you
going?”
“My boys have flag football practice,” he
said.
“You’re leaving now?”
“Look, Dave. We’ve been talking about
this for hours. The problem will still be here
in the morning. I made a commitment to
my boys, and I’m not missing their practice.
So, yes. I’m leaving now.”
His action that day made a huge impact
on me.
Communicating to our kids that we
value them isn’t always easy, and it takes
actions not just words.
Being an all-in dad didn’t make me a
perfect father. Despite my best intentions,
I had to learn to ask forgiveness for sometimes
putting work first, harping too much
on grades, or losing my temper on road
trips. Being a parent is a series of deposits
and withdrawals, and hopefully I made far
more deposits over the years! >>>
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37

HELP YOUR
KIDS BECOME
SCREENWISE
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expert Jonathan McKee
equips you to confidently
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My spreadsheet
Early in my career, I created a spreadsheet.
In the first column, I wrote down
evening and weekend work events I
absolutely had to attend, such as trade
shows or dinners where it was imperative
that I represent the company.
In the second column I wrote down
events I could attend that would be
beneficial, but the world wouldn’t end
if missed them.
Before Stacey and I had kids, I
attended events in both columns.
While raising our boys, however, my
priorities changed. While I consistently
attended to the first column, I often
made the choice to skip or delegate the
second column. I chose to invest that
time in my family instead.
A child’s wiring
I’d regretted not playing catch with my
dad, so there was no way I was going to
deprive my boys of that experience!
Eventually I realized that while they
loved spending time with me, two of
my boys didn’t love playing catch. As
a dad, I had to embrace the fact that
God wired each of my kids differently,
and there might be other activities that
were better for us to do together.
I began asking, “What bent does
each of my sons possess? What are the
things he likes? How can I better communicate
to him that I love him, and
understand and affirm the way God
wired him?”
The only way to do that was by spending
time together, talking and listening.
Inner-circle priority
Picture relationships as concentric
circles. The outer ring includes
acquaintances, the largest group. Next
is a smaller ring inside that’s filled
with co-workers and regular clients.
Then comes the friends circle, and
these are folks we often wish we spent
more time with. Then a smaller circle
of our close friends. Finally, the smallest
circle has the most sacred of all
relationships, family.
Work-life balance gets out of whack
when we spend a disproportionate
amount of time and energy on the
circles farthest from the center.
I’ve learned that the only way to
achieve any sort of balance is to be
fiercely intentional. Put things on your
schedule. Show up. Reach out to and
prioritize those in the inner circles,
and don’t be afraid of saying no sometimes
to those who aren’t. •
Dave Alpern is the president of Joe Gibbs
Racing and the author of Taking the Lead.
©ERIN DRAGO / STOCKSY UNITED

LOVE / KIDS & TEENS
An explosive new way to
share God’s love with others
BY PATRICK LINNELL / PHOTOS BY ERIN DRAGO
IT WAS 9:30 ON A WEDNESDAY
NIGHT. My 12-year-old son, Jackson, was sweat
soaked and excited from playing ice hockey. But
he was most excited about our post-workout tradition—getting
a slushie and gummy snakes from a
convenience store after practice. Even more exciting
was how this sugary victory lap led to another sweet
experience of encountering the plans of God.
Each Wednesday night, the same cashier greeted
us at the convenience store, since our hockey schedule
lined up with his work shift. During our brief
exchanges, we’d ask how he was doing, and his
replies stirred something in our hearts. He’d say he
was “fantastic” and then wish us a “beautiful day.”
One night Jackson whispered to me that we should
“Grace Bomb” the cashier, putting Jesus’ command to
love our neighbor into action.
A plan set in motion
My budding hockey star wanted to take Jesus seriously
right there in the convenience store and figure
out a way to bless our friendly cashier. As Jackson
enthusiastically shared his desire to drop a Grace
Bomb, I would have thought from his excitement that
he had just scored his first goal. It was time to help
him flex his neighbor-loving muscles.
In Ephesians 2:10 Paul tells us that we—and
that includes our children—have been “created in
Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared
beforehand, that we should walk in them.” The opportunities
are usually staring us in the face, telling us to
have a beautiful day.
Our job as parents who desire to raise kids who
love and follow the Lord is to be intentional about
walking with them into good works. By doing so,
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39

KIDS & TEENS / LOVE
LISTEN NOW!
Tune in as Dave Willis talks about
how “Showing Love in Everyday
Relationships” can change the world.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
we’re also teaching them to obey Jesus and step into
the great adventures of faith He intends for them.
One tool that can help our kids start loving their
neighbors is—you guessed it—the Grace Bomb.
Learning how to drop a Grace Bomb
A Grace Bomb is an intentional act of love motivated
by Jesus and prompted by the Holy Spirit. It’s
a tool that can help break the ice with our neighbors
through God’s kindness and offers an outlet for creativity.
We can teach our kids how to Grace Bomb
someone by sharing these key principles:
Notice people. We can inspire our children to love
their neighbors by helping them become more aware
and intentional. Our family has practiced Grace
Bombing for a while now, so Jackson quickly noticed
the cashier’s open attitude and knew he could share
more about God’s love with him.
There were countless ways Jackson could have
blessed our cashier that night, but I suggested spending
some time in prayer before Grace Bombing him.
That’s what we did over the next week.
Listen to the Holy Spirit. As we prayed about how
to bless the cashier, Jackson listened for the Spirit’s
prompting. The next Wednesday night, we learned
that our cashier’s name was Olu, and we began praying
for him by name. The third Wednesday, we saw
Olu outside the convenience store practicing tricks
on a skateboard with a friend. When he told us he
was just getting into the sport, Jackson knew we were
almost ready. He started to forge a fun plan.
Let ’er go!
Our kids may come up with great ideas for helping
others experience God’s grace, but it usually takes a
step of faith to get out of their comfort zones.
To get started, have your kids create a “You’ve been
Grace Bombed!” card for the person they’re Grace
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

LOVE / KIDS & TEENS
Bombing. The card points the receiver to the Source
of all good things.
After creating the card, it’s time to come up with
gift ideas. Here are a few examples:
Baked treats: One mom spent a day baking muffins
and cookies with her kids. Then they wrapped the
treats and took them to their local police station, since
the law enforcement community had been on her children’s
hearts. After delivering their surprise, they had a
great exchange with several officers about God’s grace.
Free tickets: One little girl earned tickets from
arcade games that could be traded in for prizes. She
gave them to another child. That gesture encouraged
the child’s family and challenged them as believers to
find ways to share God’s blessings with others, as the
little girl had.
Thirst quencher: On the hottest day of the year, one
family delivered ice water and sodas to outdoor workers
in their neighborhood, who expressed disbelief
that someone had noticed them.
What about Jackson’s Grace Bomb? We visited our
nearest skateboard shop to buy a gift card for Olu.
Jackson also picked out a few cool stickers. The next
Wednesday night, Jackson told Olu that we had been
thinking about him and wanted to surprise him with a
small taste of God’s grace. When we joyfully presented
Olu with the gift card, he was taken aback, yet he was
also curious about what a Grace Bomb was. This led to
a deeper conversation about Jesus.
Grace Bombs are as different as those who drop them,
but what we all have in common are opportunities to
walk with our kids into good works every day. As we
light up our neighbors’ lives with God’s unmerited favor
in its various creative forms, our kids will experience
the joy that flows from obedience to Jesus. And that’s an
exciting treat and tradition you can both enjoy. •
Patrick Linnell is the founder of Grace Bombs and the author of
Grace Bomb: The surprising impact of loving your neighbors.
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41

KIDS & TEENS / RELATIONSHIP
creating
connection
4 tools to help your
kids combat their
feelings of loneliness
BY DR. MARK MAYFIELD
JACK BRUSHED PAST ME
to enter my office for our counseling
appointment. Then he slumped on my
couch.
“How are you doing today?” I asked.
I had been seeing this 12-year-old for
several months at the request of his
parents. They were concerned about
his behavior at home and his slipping
grades.
“Jack, I can feel your sadness. What’s
going on?”
Before I could finish my sentence,
he started to cry. “No one gets me.
I can’t do anything right, and I feel so
alone.”
Unfortunately, this is an all-toocommon
feeling for children. They’re
growing up in a technologically connected,
yet socially disconnected,
world. That disconnection creates feelings
of isolation. Fortunately, there are
four tools you can use to help them
combat loneliness.
Download a free emotion chart and
related information to help your kids better
communicate their feelings.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/EmotionsChart
Create opportunities
to “see” your kids
A dad was fed up with his son’s repeated behavioral
outbursts and sought my help. In our first session,
I asked the son, in front of his father, “How much
time does your dad spend doing what you want?”
You would have thought I was speaking a foreign
language. The son just stared at me.
I turned to the dad. “We don’t have a behavioral
issue. We have a relational issue. For the next two
weeks, spend at least 15 minutes a day doing what
your son wants to do.” It had to be an age-appropriate
activity at his son’s level of development.
The dad and his son returned for our session two
weeks later completely different. Why? Because the
dad took time to intentionally “see” his son.
As parents, we need to slow down our pace so we
can create opportunities to actively engage in conversations
with our kids. When we create intentional
time with them, doing what they are interested in
doing, we begin to “see” them—who they are and
who God designed them to be. This, in turn, allows
children to feel understood and usually breaks the
barriers that loneliness builds.
This activity is not a one-time-a-week check-thebox
activity. We need to make it a regular occurrence.
The more time we spend with our kids, the more our
presence and connection will positively impact them.
Most often, their loneliness will subside as they feel
and become more seen.
42
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FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

RELATIONSHIP / KIDS & TEENS
Make space for
emotional conversation
Loneliness can creep in when our children aren’t able
to fully express their emotions. Since emotions are
neither good nor bad, we can encourage our kids to
recognize and work through them. Some emotions
are harder to work through than others. But unexpressed,
suppressed or numbed-out emotions are
potential thoroughfares for mental health problems
and, ultimately, loneliness.
To help our daughters express themselves, my
wife and I created a calm corner—a comfy place with
LEGOs, Play-Doh, games and a feelings chart. Our
children can go there to calm down. Once calm, they
are better able to talk about their feelings.
Our kids’ emotions don’t always have to make
sense to us, nor do we need to fix them. Rather, these
feelings need a safe atmosphere to be expressed without
judgment. Effective and consistent emotional
expression creates deeper connection within a family
and, as such, limits the potential for loneliness to take
hold or spread.
Create a sitting bench
This sitting bench idea is modeled after a story I was
told by a friend from Africa. In my friend’s small
village, an elder (typically a grandmother or grandfather)
would sit on a bench along the main road.
Children could sit beside the elder and express their
feelings. The elder listened, provided comfort and
insight, and then hugged the children before they
went on their way.
I encourage you to create a sitting bench in your
home as a place to allow unhurried conversation to
happen with your kids.
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
Use art for expression
Sometimes kids are unable to use words to express
how they’re feeling because their brains are still
developing. Art is a great way to help them express
their emotions. My wife and I use blank paper, colored
pencils, crayons and markers, and just spend
time drawing with our kids. Once they’re finished, we
ask them to explain their drawings. As they talk about
their pictures, we’re better able to see how they’re trying
to make sense of their emotions. The pictures also
give us insight into how to support them. These connections
help our kids be seen and heard in a way
that is meaningful to them.
THESE FOUR TOOLS—seeing your child,
making a calm corner, using art and creating
a sitting bench—are by no means the
only ways to help children combat loneliness.
But they’re good ways to start. Our
children are more likely to conquer loneliness
when they are within a relational
community rooted in our homes. •
Dr. Mark Mayfield is a counselor and author of The
Path out of Loneliness.
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43

KIDS & TEENS / COMMUNICATION
be a
safe place
for your
adult kids
How to listen and
respond—instead
of trying to fix
their problems
BY JODIE BERNDT
MARY ANN COULD HEAR
THE DISAPPOINTMENT in
her daughter’s voice. The promotion
she’d worked so hard to get had been
awarded to someone else.
Vivian found herself shaken. Her
son, once a leader in their church’s
youth group, had gone off to college,
abandoned his faith and announced
that he was gay.
Yasmine’s daughter was experiencing
a painful miscarriage—and there
was nothing Yasmine could do to take
that ache away.
Mary Ann, Vivian and Yasmine
(not their real names) are all friends
of mine, and their stories are true.
Like me, and maybe like you, they’ve
watched their adult children walk
through difficult seasons that have left
them wrestling with disappointment
or doubt.
When our kids are hurting, what
matters to us isn’t necessarily what
caused the wound. What matters is
what we can do about it. What we
should say. How we can help.
I’m convinced that one of the best
strategies we can pursue is to listen,
love and pray.
© BONNINSTUDIO / STOCKSY UNITED
44
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

COMMUNICATION / KIDS & TEENS
LISTEN NOW!
Jodie Berndt offers guidance for
how to pray for your children’s
faith, wisdom, self-discipline,
character and purpose.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
Be quick to listen
Practically speaking, we cannot bandage
skinned knees, bake cookies
or pull our grown kids into our arms
when they’re hurting. We might not
even be able to offer advice—either
because our young adults don’t want
to hear it or because we aren’t entirely
sure what to say.
That’s OK. Our role as parents has
changed. No longer are we caregivers
or cops, as one of my friends aptly put
it. Instead, we look more like counselors,
offering wisdom or guidance when
asked—and holding our tongues when
we aren’t.
As someone who is never short on
ideas about what other people should
do, I find keeping quiet a challenge. My
husband, however, is a highly skilled
listener, and after years of watching
our children come to him for advice,
I’ve realized there’s a reason the Bible
says we should be “quick to hear [and]
slow to speak” (James 1:19). Doing so
creates a climate in which love and
connection can flourish, especially
when we’re convinced we’re right and
our children are wrong.
I’ve learned it’s best to keep my
mouth closed and my ears open. The
more I listen—without interrupting,
overreacting, judging or offering
advice—the more likely my children
will come to me as a safe place to grapple
with issues.
Offer loving words
Let’s face it. Our children will
encounter some struggles that can’t
be fixed with a quick solution. So
we need to measure our words with
kindness and, where we can, affirmation.
When we do speak up, it’s
helpful to remember the wisdom
in Proverbs 18:21: “Death and life
are in the power of the tongue.” And
Romans 2:4 says His kindness is what
leads people to repentance.
Especially when I feel powerless
to give my kids the help or direction
they need, I say the blessing over
them from Numbers 6:24-26: “The
Lord bless you and keep you; the
Lord make his face to shine upon
you and be gracious to you; the Lord
lift up his countenance upon you and
give you peace.”
Affirming our children doesn’t mean
we endorse their behavior; rather, it’s
a way of forecasting God’s favor and
speaking hope into the darkest corners
of their lives.
Ask for God’s provision
Prayer allows us to exchange panic for
peace. We might not know what our
children need, but God does—and
when we aren’t sure how to pray, His
Word can help shape our requests.
• We might pray Romans 15:13 for
a child who is battling despair: “May
the God of hope fill _____ with all joy
and peace in believing, so that by the
power of the Holy Spirit _____ may
abound in hope.”
• Acts 26:18 requests freedom for anyone
wrestling with questions of faith:
“Open _____’s eyes, so that _____ may
turn from darkness to light and from the
power of Satan to God, that _____ may
receive forgiveness of sins and a place
among those who are sanctified by faith.”
• And my favorite all-purpose prayer
for when I’m not sure what my kids
need or what they should do is rooted
in Philippians 2:13: “[Work] in _____,
both to will and to work for [God’s]
good pleasure.”
God really does have good purposes
for our adult children’s lives. And He
invites us to partner with Him—through
our listening, our love and our prayers. •
Jodie Berndt is a speaker, Bible teacher and
author of many books, including Praying the
Scriptures for Your Adult Children.
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
animal friends
Caleb, 8
Face to face with a gorilla
friend at the zoo.
—Shanthi from Ohio
Jocelyn, 3
Our little girl is an animal lover—of
even the goats at the petting zoo!
—Lindsay from Texas
Ricky
My grand nephew enjoys
feeding breakfast to the giraffes.
—Norma from Texas
Clara, 14
Our daughter had an up-close zebra
encounter at a recent animal safari visit.
—Rita from Wisconsin
Your kids could be in
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
Email photos* of your child’s silly winter caps or your
child making funny faces. (Put “Winter Hats” or “Funny
Faces” in the subject line.)
Send to: info@fotf.ca
* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted
46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
FEBRUARY / MARCH 2022

mom
new
& daughter
devotional
Enjoy precious time with your daughter as you explore
God’s Word together! This creative and interactive 40-week
devotional provides a sweet space for moms and daughters
ages 6 to 10 to reflect together on women of the Bible who
loved the Lord. Connecting through stories, discussions,
prayers and fun activities, you’ll be inspired to develop hearts
of strength, courage and love as you’re pointed to Jesus.
Order online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800

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Today there are many ways to shop for
faith‐building resources for your family. And
yet, when you consider purchasing an item,
the same questions resurface:
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Will the content engage your kids?
When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
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