COUPLES / INTIMACY ‘ Not T<strong>on</strong>ight, I Have a Headache When a husband and wife ’ have different sex drives BY GARY THOMAS / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA 14 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2022</strong>
INTIMACY / COUPLES EMILY HAS A HORMONAL CONDITION that causes an above-average level of testoster<strong>on</strong>e. The result is an increased libido. “I’m good to go most anytime,” she says. “And if Fred [her husband] wants to have sex multiple times in <strong>the</strong> same day, I’m all for it!” Fred, meanwhile, has what most counselors would call an average libido. Now in his late 40s, he’s ready for a sexual encounter about two or three times a week, but that’s less than half of what Emily would prefer. Frustrati<strong>on</strong> first showed up <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir h<strong>on</strong>eymo<strong>on</strong>. Emily expected that after <strong>the</strong> wedding she and Fred would have sex a couple of times a day, every day. Fred had different expectati<strong>on</strong>s. “Emily pursuing me sexually was a c<strong>on</strong>stant,” he remembers. Emily c<strong>on</strong>curs, and Fred’s lack of reciprocati<strong>on</strong> was hurtful. She’d tell him, “Do you have any idea how many husbands wish <strong>the</strong>ir wives were like me?” Fred knew that was true, but he insisted, “You d<strong>on</strong>’t give me a chance to be a pursuer.” As <strong>the</strong> years went by without much change, Emily’s heart started to close. Jamal & Shanice Jamal* and Shanice* endured a c<strong>on</strong>tentious sexual relati<strong>on</strong>ship for <strong>the</strong> first several years of marriage. Jamal desired sex almost every day, but by year two <strong>the</strong>ir sex life resembled a lunar calendar—maybe <strong>on</strong>ce a m<strong>on</strong>th. And Shanice says even that <strong>on</strong>ce-am<strong>on</strong>th sessi<strong>on</strong> was often out of “duty.” It’s not that she didn’t enjoy sex; “Jamal is a skilled lover!” Shanice says. And sex <strong>on</strong>ly became something she wanted to do while in <strong>the</strong> midst of it. After struggling through years of discouragement, <strong>the</strong>y knew <strong>the</strong>y had to make a change. Both are committed believers, and in <strong>the</strong>ir minds, divorce wasn’t an opti<strong>on</strong>. But <strong>the</strong>y also didn’t want to stay miserable. Both of <strong>the</strong>m started reading marriage books, desperate to find a way to resolve c<strong>on</strong>flict while keeping <strong>the</strong>ir relati<strong>on</strong>ship intact. Perspective If you and your spouse are struggling with c<strong>on</strong>trasting sex drives, it helps to gain a little perspective. Differing libidos is typically portrayed as a major problem, but it’s actually <strong>the</strong> norm for about 90% of couples. In fact, it’s more unusual when both spouses want <strong>the</strong> same amount of sex, or even at <strong>the</strong> same time. There’s nothing particularly unusual about a marriage that resembles most o<strong>the</strong>r marriages. The truth is that couples rarely think alike when it comes to <strong>the</strong> timing of o<strong>the</strong>r aspects of <strong>the</strong>ir relati<strong>on</strong>ship: serious c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s, playful outings or even dining out. There are a lot of areas where spousal desires d<strong>on</strong>’t match up. Expecting to have equal libidos simply isn’t realistic. C<strong>on</strong>stant badgering for sex can be part of an abusive relati<strong>on</strong>ship. This advice is for couples where both partners feel safe and free to express <strong>the</strong>ir desire or to say no without fear of reprisal. Gatekeeping Shanice became c<strong>on</strong>victed when she joined a small group with o<strong>the</strong>r Christian wives and some<strong>on</strong>e menti<strong>on</strong>ed “gatekeeping.” Counselors use this term in different ways, but in this c<strong>on</strong>text, <strong>the</strong> wives used it to describe how <strong>on</strong>e spouse c<strong>on</strong>trols what happens in <strong>the</strong> bedroom. The gatekeeper spouse is always saying yes or no or is <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>e who sets up a list of c<strong>on</strong>diti<strong>on</strong>s FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15