International School Parent Magazine - Autumn 2019

Helping teenagers argue…
effectively!
I
have little doubt that a number of readers will feel that
teenagers argue too much. However, I wish to put the case for
the opposite! So let me begin by clarifying what I am talking
about in this article when I refer to the ability to argue. I am not
talking about those times when teenagers make unrealistic demands
of their parents, or when a discussion passes boiling point and
ends with the stomp of feet up the stairs and the slamming of a
bedroom door. Nor am I talking about those times when parents
pass the point of frustration with what seems like the innate ability
of some teenagers to question absolutely any request, however
small and reasonable it might seem to their parents. Rather, I am
talking about the ability to present a point of view in a thoughtful
way, whilst showing respect to those who hold a different opinion. I
am talking about constructing an argument using a logical thought
process, while taking account of the bigger picture that provides
the context for whatever is under discussion. I am talking about
the ability to listen to those with whom one disagrees, taking on
board points made by others, but nevertheless holding firm to
important principles. I am talking about developing negotiation
skills and ultimately reaching a level of maturity that understands
that arguments are often about clarifying and learning; not about
winning.
The ability to argue effectively is an important skill for teenagers
to develop as they approach adulthood 1 . It is a skill that will make
them more marketable to potential employers; it will help them
build stable adult relationships; it will help them in situations where
they need to be able to listen to, and negotiate with, others. But this
is not a case of developing a life skill, all of whose benefits lie at
some stage in an uncertain future. In the shorter term, those who
have begun to learn the skills of arguing effectively in their early
teenage years are better equipped for some aspects of their ongoing
education as well as being armed with a powerful weapon to help
them resist some of the negative peer pressures with which they
might be faced in their later teenage years.
As indicated above, there are a number of aspects to arguing
effectively. As with any complex skill, time and practice are essential
to its successful development. One of the ways that human beings
learn is through their mistakes, and learning to argue effectively
is no exception. At times, teenagers get it wrong: their frustration
may take over, they may shout and become disrespectful, but when
1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200908/arguing-your-adolescent
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