“Parents who have developed the ability to understand what is happeningeven in the midst of a simmering situation, and who can answer argumentscalmly, clearly and logically, do the most in such situations to foster learning. ”these things happen, they rely on the significant adults in their livesto help them learn from their mistakes. The important question forparents, then, is not how to prevent teenagers arguing, but how tobest help them develop their argumentative tendencies in a way thatwill equip them for the adult world to which they are headed.Advice for ParentsTry to keep calm. Parents, of course, can bear the brunt ofit when teenagers are going through the learning process, andespecially when they get things wrong. However, responding withthe same type of broken behaviour pattern that is being portrayedby the teenager is not helpful in moving the situation forward.Shouting over your teenager to stop them shouting, or becomingaggressive in response to perceived teenage aggression, bothrepresent a knee-jerk reaction to a crisis situation that may bringsome momentary emotional relief, but neither lays the groundworkfor a constructive way forward. Similarly, trying to demonstratethat you can be even more stubborn and unreasonable than yourteenager, may feel in the heat of the moment like a way to win anargument. However, it will likely also fuel longer-term bitterness andrelationship breakdown. All these approaches really only end upwith two people behaving badly. Consequently, the teenager learnsnothing about arguing effectively. If a situation becomes heated,be ready to walk away until the temperature has cooled sufficientlyfor you both to be able to return and address the topic in a morerational way.Distinguish between disrespect and argument. Even acursory glance at websites on the subject of teenage behaviourwill show that argument and disrespect are frequently linked.However, this is not a necessary link. Teenagers often ask questionsby arguing. Parents who have developed the ability to understandwhat is happening even in the midst of a simmering situation, andwho can answer arguments calmly, clearly and logically, do the mostin such situations to foster learning. Teenagers benefit most fromparents who can model appropriate ways to disagree and goodargumentation skills, enabling them to learn more about the issueunder discussion and also about the good use of argument as alearning tool.Promote the ability to construct logical argument. Teenagebrain development starts at the back of the brain and movesforward 2 . This means that teenage responses are governed more bythe amygdala, situated at the back of the brain and triggering strongemotions, than by the pre-frontal cortex, which is at the front,develops later, and governs logical thought. As most of us haveobserved, teenagers often respond to situations emotionally andneed help if they are to develop the skills of making a consideredand logical response. Teenagers are often told of the need for a wellconstructedargument without anyone ever really explaining whatthat is or how it can be developed. Helping teenagers understandhow to develop good argumentation skills and to put them to use isan important factor in their preparation for adult life.Model respect and good argumentation skills. The bestway to help your teenager understand the need for respect, evenwhen they disagree with someone’s viewpoint, is to model it inyour dealings with them. Good parents take time to listen to theirteenager’s point of view and to consider their arguments. Theyask questions and seek clarification when they do not understand.They value good points made during the course of an argumentand remain polite even when provoked. They demonstrate empathyfor their teenager and their situation, and explain their decisionscarefully. Adopting such approaches as a parent both modelsrespect and demonstrates some of the important skills for arguingeffectively. The teenager who knows how it feels to be respectedis far more likely to respect others, and the teenager who hasexperienced significant adults in their life arguing effectively is farmore likely to seek to develop similar techniques.Keep the bigger picture of parenting in mind. It is importantfor parents to keep in mind the overall goal in parenting a teenager– to help the teenager reach the point where they can enter theadult world successfully. For the parent, winning an argumentwith their teenager is not the ultimate goal. Sure, it may give ashort-term feeling of satisfaction, but especially if the argumenthas been won through the use of bullying tactics, or by sacrificingtruth for expediency, the overall goal will have been set back. Thisis not to say the parent should always give in, or should sacrificetheir fundamental principles. However, wise parents will look foropportunities to give ground when their teenager argues effectively,admitting that the teenager has explained a perspective they (theparent) had not previously understood or appreciated. Throughsuch comments, the teenager “feels” the value of arguing effectivelyand is more likely to press on with the development of thisimportant life skill.The tendency for teenagers to argue is, of course, part of theirnatural development. They test their boundaries by arguingas they strive for independence. Rather than something tobe avoided, tolerated, or “squashed”, this natural element ofhuman development contains considerable potential for personalempowerment in those who can be helped to develop the skill toargue effectively.Dr Steve Sims is author of the blog Regarding Teenagers andDirector of the Basel Learning Hub in Switzerland.https://regardingteenagers.com2 https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teensINTERNATIONAL SCHOOL PARENT AUTUMN 2019 | 46
INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL PARENT AUTUMN 2019 | 47