International School Parent Magazine - Autumn 2019

“Parents who have developed the ability to understand what is happening
even in the midst of a simmering situation, and who can answer arguments
calmly, clearly and logically, do the most in such situations to foster learning. ”
these things happen, they rely on the significant adults in their lives
to help them learn from their mistakes. The important question for
parents, then, is not how to prevent teenagers arguing, but how to
best help them develop their argumentative tendencies in a way that
will equip them for the adult world to which they are headed.
Advice for Parents
Try to keep calm. Parents, of course, can bear the brunt of
it when teenagers are going through the learning process, and
especially when they get things wrong. However, responding with
the same type of broken behaviour pattern that is being portrayed
by the teenager is not helpful in moving the situation forward.
Shouting over your teenager to stop them shouting, or becoming
aggressive in response to perceived teenage aggression, both
represent a knee-jerk reaction to a crisis situation that may bring
some momentary emotional relief, but neither lays the groundwork
for a constructive way forward. Similarly, trying to demonstrate
that you can be even more stubborn and unreasonable than your
teenager, may feel in the heat of the moment like a way to win an
argument. However, it will likely also fuel longer-term bitterness and
relationship breakdown. All these approaches really only end up
with two people behaving badly. Consequently, the teenager learns
nothing about arguing effectively. If a situation becomes heated,
be ready to walk away until the temperature has cooled sufficiently
for you both to be able to return and address the topic in a more
rational way.
Distinguish between disrespect and argument. Even a
cursory glance at websites on the subject of teenage behaviour
will show that argument and disrespect are frequently linked.
However, this is not a necessary link. Teenagers often ask questions
by arguing. Parents who have developed the ability to understand
what is happening even in the midst of a simmering situation, and
who can answer arguments calmly, clearly and logically, do the most
in such situations to foster learning. Teenagers benefit most from
parents who can model appropriate ways to disagree and good
argumentation skills, enabling them to learn more about the issue
under discussion and also about the good use of argument as a
learning tool.
Promote the ability to construct logical argument. Teenage
brain development starts at the back of the brain and moves
forward 2 . This means that teenage responses are governed more by
the amygdala, situated at the back of the brain and triggering strong
emotions, than by the pre-frontal cortex, which is at the front,
develops later, and governs logical thought. As most of us have
observed, teenagers often respond to situations emotionally and
need help if they are to develop the skills of making a considered
and logical response. Teenagers are often told of the need for a wellconstructed
argument without anyone ever really explaining what
that is or how it can be developed. Helping teenagers understand
how to develop good argumentation skills and to put them to use is
an important factor in their preparation for adult life.
Model respect and good argumentation skills. The best
way to help your teenager understand the need for respect, even
when they disagree with someone’s viewpoint, is to model it in
your dealings with them. Good parents take time to listen to their
teenager’s point of view and to consider their arguments. They
ask questions and seek clarification when they do not understand.
They value good points made during the course of an argument
and remain polite even when provoked. They demonstrate empathy
for their teenager and their situation, and explain their decisions
carefully. Adopting such approaches as a parent both models
respect and demonstrates some of the important skills for arguing
effectively. The teenager who knows how it feels to be respected
is far more likely to respect others, and the teenager who has
experienced significant adults in their life arguing effectively is far
more likely to seek to develop similar techniques.
Keep the bigger picture of parenting in mind. It is important
for parents to keep in mind the overall goal in parenting a teenager
– to help the teenager reach the point where they can enter the
adult world successfully. For the parent, winning an argument
with their teenager is not the ultimate goal. Sure, it may give a
short-term feeling of satisfaction, but especially if the argument
has been won through the use of bullying tactics, or by sacrificing
truth for expediency, the overall goal will have been set back. This
is not to say the parent should always give in, or should sacrifice
their fundamental principles. However, wise parents will look for
opportunities to give ground when their teenager argues effectively,
admitting that the teenager has explained a perspective they (the
parent) had not previously understood or appreciated. Through
such comments, the teenager “feels” the value of arguing effectively
and is more likely to press on with the development of this
important life skill.
The tendency for teenagers to argue is, of course, part of their
natural development. They test their boundaries by arguing
as they strive for independence. Rather than something to
be avoided, tolerated, or “squashed”, this natural element of
human development contains considerable potential for personal
empowerment in those who can be helped to develop the skill to
argue effectively.
Dr Steve Sims is author of the blog Regarding Teenagers and
Director of the Basel Learning Hub in Switzerland.
https://regardingteenagers.com
2 https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens
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