Island Parent Magazine Dec-Jan 2023

CUTITOUT!
Show a Little Tenderness
If 90 percent of our communication is body language what is
our face saying?
If part of a healthy attachment with our children and
partners is to give support, to soothe them and keep the environment
safe, our non-verbal messages are a part of this. If we
can meet these needs, family members in turn will be able to
listen more fully, care about requests that are being made and
experience a sense of trust.
While the words we use are important, our physical and
emotional cues build the connection. When we listen to our
children and partners, it isn’t enough just to use the “skill” of
repeating back what they have said and take a guess at how
they are feeling. They need to see that we genuinely care and
that we are curious to learn more. If we don’t show them, our
words seem transactional. If I listen to you, then I expect that
you will get over this thing that you are complaining about! Or,
I’m not okay if you are upset, so let’s get this thing fixed.
If you are having a difficult conversation or hearing someone’s
pain, slow down. Show that you care with a soft face, and
relaxed body language. Express and physically show tenderness
and see how much easier things go. Practicing this brings calmness
to everyone.
Children can be hypersensitive to our moods and teens will
see anger where there isn’t any. If our adult relationship is experiencing
a disconnect, we can easily hear what we fear rather
than what is actually being said. Monitor the people you’re
speaking with closely so that you can catch any signs of frustration,
annoyance, hurt feelings or stress. Look at their eyes, face
and body language and listen to their tone of voice. Are they in
distress? Be willing to pause and soothe your loved one. Even
if you think you weren’t yelling or speaking with a tone, don’t
argue. Tend to them, soothe them.
Be prepared to pivot from making a point to being present.
There are many reasons to do this, one being that when someone
feels unsafe or distressed, they can’t hear you anyway. Pay
attention to the process of how you are communicating. If you
have something important to discuss, ask your loved one this;
What can I do to make it more comfortable for you to hear
what I have to say?
Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator, counsellor
and coach at LIFE Seminars (Living in Families
Effectively), lifeseminars.com.
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STAGES
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since 1980
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• Offering classes for Teens & Pre-Teens in Jazz,
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• Not sure which class to take?
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#301 1551 Cedar Hill X Rd
Call 250-384-3267 Email us at: stagesdance@shaw.ca
Or visit our website: www.stagesdance.com
22 Island Parent Magazine IslandParent.ca