My Forsyth _ Spring 2023

The Reality of Teen Dating
By Jeff Mogan
Acouple of weeks ago I was asked to give a talk
at one of our awesome high schools here in
Forsyth County. I wasn’t sure exactly what the conversation was
going to be about; I just knew that when teenagers want to learn a
better way of doing life, I am always up to engage with them on how
to get there. On the way to the school, I made a call to ask exactly
what the topic of our discussion would be.
“Teen Dating,” the person on the other end of the phone replied. I
began to think of the best way to convey to a 15- or 16-year-old how
to properly date, if the option to have them not date at all was not
an option.
I look at these conversations with an open mind. If I tell the teens, or
their parents or teachers tell them not to date, they will do it without
telling us. That is not a good option. Instead, I tell teens that there
are things that need to be discussed before starting to date.
The first word that comes to mind when talking about teen dating is
boundaries. Setting clear and realistic boundaries is something we
definitely want to teach our youth.
There were around 25 kids in the group I spoke to, and when I asked
how many were dating, about half the group raised their hands. I
then asked how many have set boundaries in their minds when they
are with someone. No one raised their hands.
Once I started talking about boundaries, the questions started
flowing, the minds opened up, and there was clear intention in all of
their minds that they had never thought of before.
Here are some of the boundaries I suggested.
• If you are not dating someone, but are seen alone with that
person, what will other people think when they see the two of
you alone, together. Perhaps don’t be alone with someone
even if they are a friend, as other people will automatically
think you are dating.
• Date in groups. Groups leave no questions unanswered. There
is strength in numbers.
• Avoid co-dependency. This topic drew the most attention
from the group. The topic of co-dependency is always a bit
confusing. The definition of codependency is “excessive
emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically
one who requires support on account of an illness or
addiction”. For me, co-dependency is pouring yourself into
someone else to be sure they are getting what they need to
be happy, doing for them and their needs, so they will be
happy with you, at the expense of taking care of yourself and
your own needs.
Teenagers will make sure their friends are happy by giving too much
of themselves while in turn hurting themselves to the point they are
overwhelmed. They often do this with their parents as well.
As parents we put too much pressure on our teens to do as we say, so
they look for people either older than them or among their friends
to validate or accept them for who they are.
It's important to be available to our teens, to engage with them about
their feelings or their actions, so that they understand that we accept
them for who they are.
I’m not saying we should accept what they are doing and be ok with
all of their actions. I believe that we should be willing to listen to
them and their feelings.
Listening and being a good listener are successful ways to be engage
in productive communication. Sometimes it is best to just listen,
don’t give advice unless asked, just listen.
42 MYFORSYTHMAG.COM SPRING 2023