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Lot's Wife Edition 6 2015

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STUdENT AFFAIRS 25<br />

‘Cheap’ eats<br />

Clayton campus<br />

edition<br />

of recent times, there has been murmurs amongst elite food<br />

circles that Melbourne’s Monash University’s Clayton campus<br />

is set to become the new ‘go to’ food destination akin to<br />

Lygon street and Smith street, due to the high quality in food<br />

types on offer to the staff and students at the campus. The<br />

university prides itself on the diversity within the cuisines on<br />

offer which range from gourmet Italian pizza to vegan curries<br />

to asian stir fries to fresh fruit. Renowned food critic Clarissa<br />

Williams ventured to the university’s beloved ‘campus centre’<br />

to explore the various cuisines on offer.<br />

Grain Express<br />

Grain Express, which prides itself on the healthy foods it<br />

offers (grains = good for you), is one of the last restaurants to<br />

close on campus each night. This makes it a perfect choice<br />

for those who enjoy spending their spare time hanging out<br />

in Clayton late at night by themselves and watching video<br />

games on youtube in the airport lounge. Walking through the<br />

entrance transports one to the serenity of Saigon, Bangkok,<br />

Singapore with the vast range of cuisines on display in a<br />

similar manner to those in oliver-Twist-orphanage-esque<br />

setting.<br />

Eftpos? No.<br />

Child friendly? No, Grain Express impose a similar Lynch’s<br />

style ‘strictly no child zone’<br />

Gluten free options? STAY AWAY IF GLUTEN INToLERANT.<br />

Wholefoods<br />

Nobody makes a wheatgrass infused chai macchiato with<br />

soy milk and honey quite like the baristas at wholefoods.<br />

The Wholefoods restaurant has been in the campus centre<br />

since the 1970’s but has recently witnessed a mass increase<br />

in their customer base after being vegan became cool. The<br />

restaurant is lined with the original furniture stained with<br />

dahl made in 1973 and you can always rely on Leonard Cohen,<br />

First Aid Kit or Tame Impala to be playing from the stereo.<br />

Eftpos? They pay in love.<br />

Child friendly? Naturally.<br />

Gluten free options? Cardboard is complimentary to all<br />

celiacs.<br />

Convenience Store<br />

A secret gem on campus for all your fresh foods needs. The<br />

existence of the Campus Centre convenience store renders<br />

the Vic Market completely redundant as the vast array of<br />

fresh produce would be sufficient enough to supply a family<br />

of five for an entire week. The best thing about the store is<br />

that you can always bet on your favourite fruit and vege being<br />

there everyday; exactly two rock hard avocados that should<br />

be ready to eat by the year 2030, four carrots and three<br />

‘juicing’ apples.<br />

Eftpos? Yes, minimum 150 dollars.<br />

Child friendly? Yes.<br />

Gluten free options? What’s gluten?<br />

Peri Peri<br />

Peri Peri’s quarter chicken and chips combo is to die for -<br />

literally. don’t let the constant rumored cases of salmonella<br />

deter you, Peri Peri is home to the best chips on campus. The<br />

secret is the chef’s light touch with adding flavour. Lightly<br />

dusted with enough salt to stave off an army of slugs.<br />

Eftpos? Yes.<br />

Child friendly? Yes.<br />

Gluten free options? Yes.<br />

The Kitchen<br />

Mysteriously closed since last semester either for mass<br />

renovations of interrogation by the department of Health and<br />

Human Services.<br />

Eftpos? N/A.<br />

Child friendly? N/A.<br />

Gluten free options? N/A.<br />

BY CLARISSA WILLIAMS This is, of course, satire. Nothing in<br />

this article is factual in anyway.

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