Standouts - The Beat Within

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TheBeatWithin.org Page 24 co-Pieces of the week Co-Pieces of the Week Volume 17.01/02 I Know I am Better Than This Drugs. I don’t want to keep smoking no more. Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep my mind off drugs. That’s not the way I want to live anymore. My daughter needs me, and I have something to live for. This addiction is keeping me from succeeding. I’ve hit my rock bottom, and I’m done with this. I want to prove to everyone that I’m better than this because I know I’m better than this. -Leslie, Bernalillo, NM From The Beat: Now that you know what it feels like to hit “rock bottom”, it will only get better from here on out. You just have to want it. Now the choice is up to you. Keep us posted at the Beat on your progress. True Leader It is hard to find a true leader lately because everything we are doing was already done way before us. Selling drugs, robbing people, breaking into houses, shooting at people, or even gangbanging. We didn’t start the things that we do. We got the idea from somebody. People don’t like to admit it, but we are followers. We might say we are leaders because we are probably the leaders of our friends. But we are young and don’t know a lot. We will find out someday. -Lil Gumby, Alameda From The Beat: We like your independent thinking. That is a sign of leadership ability. So do you think that it’s time for leaders who will do something new? Like, make peace on the streets, for example? Why not you? Be Yourself In A Positive Way When I get out I want to play football. I want to show my peers what they can do in life that is positive. I also want to visit all the juvenile halls and show my peers that they are wasting their lives, and I was wasting my life. I would ask the kids what they are in for, and then tell them that’s how they’re hurting their lives. Then I’d tell ‘em what’s good for them. For example, school, education, degrees, not having kids at an early age. Education can get you anything, whatever you want: You can be a doctor, a lawyer, anything you want to be. Why not have kids at an early age? I don’t want to have kids yet. If I had a kid he’d see the bad things I’ve done. That they’d have a dad in jail. -Larry, Alameda From The Beat: This is a wonderful ambition. Once you have gotten yourself on track, you will be a very powerful role model for other young people. Have you figured out a step-by-step plan for getting (and staying) on a positive track? ou see a beautiful young girl with a big smile on my face, but you can’t see what’s going on inside: hatred, fault, anger, depression, sadness, hideous. Lost a Friend What’s good Beat, this be the homie Casper here to talk about my homie Payaso (Clown). The last time I seen him was in front of my school when I was going there to get signed up and we shook hands like we usually did and went on with what we were doing that day. Damn, if I knew that was going to be the last time I seen my homie I would have talked to him instead of just shaking his hand like usual and walking away. The night he got shot, I was on house arrest sitting at my dinner table when I heard gun shots at the park behind my house. Then there was a bunch of cops at the end of my block. What happened was my homie was at the park with his girlfriend and some guys tried to rob him but he didn’t want to give up his stuff so he drove off in his car and the guy popped a couple of shots at him, which were the ones I heard, and then they chased after him in their car. He ended up losing control of his car and crashing into a house down the street from mine. In February 2010, he lost his life in the arms of his girlfriend. I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since that night. Rest in Peace Payaso. Gone but never forgotten. We love you homie, and I’ll see you at the gates. -Casper, Alameda From The Beat: Thank you for this beautiful and heartfelt eulogy for your friend. It’s up to you now to carry on and live your dreams in honor of him and in honor of the ones who didn’t make it. What are your dreams? Where do you see yourself in ten years? It Won’t Go Away Mentally It won’t go away, I always think about my uncle, molesting me. It won’t go away from the beating so he can get me what he wants. It won’t go away, all the pain that I endured for ten years before I could tell my mom. It won’t go away, the image that I picture of him touching me. You see a beautiful young girl with a big smile on my face, but you can’t see what’s going on inside: hatred, fault, anger, depression, sadness, hideous. I wish it could go away, but it just won’t. It stays. I had a second thought about telling my mom because I thought she would not believe me – but she did. And I felt so happy it went away physically, but it still won’t go away mentally. It won’t go away. -Teela, Alameda From The Beat: The pain you’ve been through might never go away, not entirely. But that pain is also part of who you are – part of your wisdom and experience, and part of what will make you compassionate and caring towards other people who have also suffered. Do you have people to talk to, who’ve been through what you’ve been through and can relate to how you feel? Saved I think I got saved one day by one of my ex-girlfriends. One day I was walking to her house, on drugs and drunk, and I was getting followed by a rival gang. My lady had called me and asked me where I was, and I told her I was not going to show up because I was trying to surprise her. She knew I was drunk and she didn’t like me drinking, and I hung up the phone. I was still being followed, and when I hit the street corner by a 7-Eleven they got down and started to jump me. I got hit with a bat in my ribs, but they didn’t break they just got bruised. But my lady was already driving around looking for me, and when she saw a lot of guys jumping someone she stopped her car and knew it was me. She started screaming, “stop,” and they ran in their car and left. She saved me ‘cause I could’ve been killed or stabbed. That’s all for today. -Tony, Santa Clara From The Beat: It definitely sounds like your ex saved you. How did that experience change you? Tell us more!
TheBeatWithin.org Page 25 Time Slows Down Time... as I get closer to my court date, I feel time slows down. It slows down when you cuffed up too. You can be in the back of a cop car and still feel like time froze up. When you have a long time stretched in front of you it’s as if your life is tickin’ and is just ignorin’ your existence will help…Even institutionalized, it doesn’t help when you have something on the outside waitin’ for you. -Francisco From The Beat: That’s a great way to describe it - “it feels like time froze up.” What about on the outs? What are the things that make time go faster, or slower? Milky Way The best piece of candy that I ever had would have to be milky way, because it would be a chocolate on the outside then caramel. At first you taste the milk chocolate then you get that good caramel, it’s so good that you have to keep buying more. -Devin From The Beat: May there be many Milky Ways in your future, Devin. And as with everything else worth having, enjoy them but don’t go overboard! Emotions I don’t know, I’m really lost today, but at the same time I’m so excited, because I went to court today and they said I could go home on GPS back to my mom. But at the same time I feel like I might mess up. I really don’t want to come back here. I been here, in and out, and I’m about to have three months here beginning Dec.! I can’t wait to go home, hopefully, but I feel like I’ll mess up because I get angry so fast and my mom never understands me. But with the help of God I think I can do it and with the help of my stepdaddy I can, but every time I get close to my step dad, my mom gets mad. IDK. -Jennifer From The Beat: Are you going to have any type of family counseling so you and your mom can get used to living together again, and so that you can get help working on making your family even stronger? Popping Pills One of my worst, bad high experiences out of a bunch I have to say that, first of all, doing drugs at all was a bad decision. I first did drugs when I was ten. I smoked weed. But my twelfth birthday I tried ecstasy, just to always hang with older guys, my older brother’s friends. My brother didn’t like me to hang with them. Well, when I was in eighth grade, I had barely got out of GPS, I was on probation. I just go to school everyday. My brother sold weed, so it was easy for me to get any drugs. I got a bargain for twenty ecstasy pills, some yellow “stars.” My brother didn’t allow me to pop pills. He knew I smoked weed, so I said I was going to sell them at school. I went to school the next day. I popped a pill. I popped pills all week long. I thought they weren’t going to smack, so I took like three pills everyday. At the end of the day, I would be smacking so bad I talked to everybody. On Friday, I ended up popping five pills. I had been popping all week long. I was quiet that day. Into my drawing, I started sweating, I felt hot, and my fingertips felt cold. I started feeling nauseous, things were changing colors. I thought I was dehydrated, I went to my class back room closet. I drank some water. I threw up. That was the worst experience ever. I haven’t popped a pill since then, although I want to. I feel depressed and lonely. -Zane From The Beat: We’re sorry that you feel depressed in lonely, but want to congratulate you on the fact that you haven’t popped a pill since that time. It will get better, can you find something else to do that makes you feel great? Standouts Alameda County Volume 17.01/02 The Things We Do To Get Ourselves In Trouble One thing I can’t seem to escape from is my friends and mostly the things we like to do, like party sometimes. The things we do to get ourselves in trouble. Sometimes I think ‘bout the stupid things I do, and I wish that I could change my ways and stop smoking. But it’s kinda hard for me ‘cause it releases my stress. Sometimes I wish I could also change my friends and get back into sports. As I sit in my cell I think about the things I did when I was young. I used to always go to church every Sunday, and I need to get back into all the good things I was always doing. So when I get out of here I’ll change my life around. -Devin From The Beat: You’re lucky, because now that you want to change, you have a whole set of positive habits to turn back to! Do you also have positive friends to turn to, so that you don’t find yourself “partying” again and getting back in trouble? What If Somebody Run Up In My House? What’ up Beat Within. This is Dre, I’m going to talk about risk. How many risks I take when I run up in people’s homes. But at the same time, I don’t think about what can happen to me. If somebody was in the house I could have got killed or something. But someone was looking down on me, so I’m thankful for still being in here. Because anything could happen to me when I was running in people’s homes. It’s a good thing that I don’t do the things I used to do anymore. Sometimes I think, what if somebody run up in my house? I feel like the people whose homes I ran into. -Dre From The Beat: This is a wise and thoughtful piece – it sounds like you’ve been growing a lot during your time away. Do you think your attitude towards risk has changed because of these experiences? Do you think you’ll remember this next time you feel tempted to rob a house? I Want To Show Her I’m Worth It I’m lookin’ forward to goin’ to my group home. If I go home in the next year, I’m lookin’ forward to not goin’ back to my old ways. Then I can go to school and get back to the girl I love. I want to show her I’m worth it. But I need to get my shhh together. I need to stay sober and get myself a job. One day I’m sure if she’s not the one for me then I’m sure love comes around more than once. -Francisco From The Beat: Is it hard for you to stay sober? Have you thought of joining an AA group of some sort when you get out, so you have support dong this difficult but wonderful thing? Jail I hate being in jail You know why, ‘cause I hate the smell? Every morning I wake up and thank the Lord ‘Cause I want to wake up good and not be sore I pray for my family every night ‘Cause I told the Lord, when I get out I’ll try to do right When I first came in I told myself, I ain’t goin’ to come back I think about everything and everybody But when I’m behind the door I listen and cry I miss my homies every time I dream But when I wake up, I turn mean -Young Weeze From The Beat: We bet lots of readers will be able to relate to this experience of being homesick in jail – the important part is to stick to that vow you made to yourself – “I ain’t gon’ come back.” What will you need to do to make sure you keep that vow?
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Page 65 and 66: TheBeatWithin.org Page 65 The BEat

Standouts - The Beat Within

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