t - New York Civil Liberties Union

064
Union-Endicott
"I think my decision to stay a virgin is something that says I'm strong, and that I respect myself and the
girls I go with," says one young man on a TV talk show. "'When I make love, it will be with the girl I've
married, and it will be really terrific for both of us."
A girl who shares the same decision adds: "Almost every one of my girlfriends who've had sex now tells
me she's sorry she did it. I'm glad I've set my linlits and made this choice."
Sexuality and Your" Self"
AIDS and other STDs. Unwanted pregnancy-and parenthood. Problems later in life with conceiving a
baby you want to have. You know the major physical risks of early sexual involvement. But what about
the emotional and psychological risks?
Adolescent psychologists agree that the main work of the teenage years is to construct a sense of
personal identity-in short, to figure out who you are, what you believe, what you want from life as an
adult.
Too often, though, says psychologist David Elkind in his book All Grown Up and No Place to Go,
many of today's teens lack "the time needed to put together a workable theory of self." Many teens
today are so involved in trying to handle what once were "adults-only" issues (sexuality, substance abuse,
etc.) that they don't get the chance to think much about their beliefs and values, their plans and
expectations.
"This sense of self," says Elkind, "is one of the teenager's most important defenses against stress."
Without it, a teen may drift into adulthood still having a lot of growing up to do. A teen mother, for
instance, may be so bogged down in the daily realities of child care and money problems that "whatever
problem led to her early pregnancy will remain unresolved" as she grows into physical (but not
emotional) adulthood.
"I slept with quite a few girls when I was in high school anel college," remembers a man now in his 30s.
"The experience left me without much trust-vand I think you can get into the habit of thinking all
relationships are temporary. You can be 25 or 30 years old and still think: 'Oh, I'm just a kid--nobody
really expects me to make a long-term commitment."
Author Marion Howard writes: "Finding solutions to loneliness or unhappiness, or the lack of
popularity, does not come through sexual involvement but through getting to know oneself and then
reaching out to include life experiences that will really help a young person become the kind of person
he or she would like to be."
An Action Plan
ONE: Make a decision. If you've thought through the issues and risks, and have decided sexual activity
can wait, make a contract with yourself (in writing, if you like). Write down all the reasons why you've
chosen to wait, and set up some "personal limits" to follow in social situations.
TWO: Let somebody know. Jerry Melson of the "True Love Waits" program says: "Share this decision
with a trusted adult and especially a trusted friend in your peer group." 'Though friends may joke about it
at first, they will usually come to respect your decision. (If they don't, you might want to find new
friends!