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Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief, Anger, and Change
Finding the Way Through
By Steve Cutting
Anger is all the rage today. We
have “road rage,” “air rage,”
“supermarket rage,” even
“public bathroom rage.” It
sounds kind of funny, but
for many people, including myself, problems
with controlling rage and impulsive
anger are nothing to laugh about.
Unhealthy anger may be a problem for
both sexes, but I’m going to focus on men’s
anger, and suggest that by taking a look at
what may lie behind our destructive anger,
men have the potential to stop or at least
reduce undesirable behavior that causes
problems in their lives. By summoning the
courage to look at the shadowy aspects
of ourselves, we can experience personal
transformation; we can rebalance our lives
and become clearer, calmer, more accepting
individuals. We can become builders
instead of destroyers.
A recent flyer for a course in anger management
offered by the Men’s Resource
Center for Change in Amherst, Mass.,
open to both men and women, contains
this advisory: “Destructive anger can
wreak havoc in a man’s life—resulting
in ruined relationships, job loss, physical
endangerment, health problems and
trouble with the law.”
How true that is. About four years ago
I moved to western Massachusetts to be
closer to relatives when after the birth of
our child, my wife was diagnosed with
a degenerative neuromuscular condition,
severely limiting her physical movement.
Aside from being a great personal burden
to her, my wife’s illness became an issue for
us when the Department of Social Services
intervened out of concern that her condition
might limit her ability to be an effective
parent. DSS also raised concerns that I had
not been emotionally supportive to my wife,
that I had frequently lost my temper, and
that I had behaved inappropriately, even
abusively, at times during our marriage.
“The first of the
Four Noble Truths of
Buddhism—Life is suffering—
took on an ironic sort
of attraction to me because
it directly contradicted
everything I had been
conditioned to believe.”
After a long and contentious struggle,
a family court interceded and concluded
that our child would be better
served by an In-Family Open Adoption.
Fortunately, my younger brother and his
wife were only too willing to adopt our
child. Presently our child is doing well
in my brother’s family, with two older,
previously adopted siblings who seem to
adore him. Because the adoption is in my
family, I am fortunate to have contact and
frequent visits with our child.
Not so fortunate was our marriage.
After the adoption, my wife and I were
unable to work out our differences and
have since separated and divorced.
I have to say that I am truly sorry for
the hurt I caused my ex-wife. She and I
are at peace with our decision to separate
and have accepted the decision to
place our child for adoption as the most
appropriate choice under difficult circumstances.
On the other hand, the pain
of losing custody of my child has given
me the opportunity to reexamine choices
I made in the past, both in my marriage
and in other areas of life.
I made choices with respect to managing
stress, frustration, and not getting
what I want in certain circumstances that
were inappropriate. At times I chose to
respond to these stresses with impulsive
rage and anger—which has had painful
consequences and led to a period of loss
and sadness in my life. Ironically, however,
the experience of feeling sadness
and grief over the consequences of my
own behavior has been a necessary step
toward understanding and changing it.
After losing the right to be my child’s
parent, I was already suffering from selfdoubt
and a fairly serious depression.
After my wife moved out, even though
I intuitively understood it to be the right
thing, my depression deepened. As it
turned out her leaving, as painful as it
was, became the beginning of a kind
of catalyst for change where I gradually
began to perceive things differently.
Although it wasn’t by choice, for the
first time in a number of years I began
to spend a great deal more time alone,
providing an opportunity to reflect on the
repercussions of choices I had made. This
time became a kind of vehicle for change
and helped shift my focus inward toward
the source of my own personal turmoil
and angst, rather than outward toward
blaming external circumstances.
As a way of dealing with anger I began
to pay more attention to Buddhism,
which I had been aware of, but never
seriously looked at. The first of the Four
Noble Truths of Buddhism—Life is suffering—took
on an ironic sort of attraction
to me because it directly contradicted
everything I had been conditioned to
believe. The Buddhist principle of the
impermanence of all things helped me
understand my experience and provided
some relief from the deep changes and
personal losses I had endured.
continued on page 23
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