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From The Editor • Voice Male 2 A Father’s Empty Nest The Dictionary of Letting Go By Rob Okun My youngest child has left for college. That stark truth continues to reverberate. For more than two decades I’ve lived at the hub of a rollicking adventure, a world centered around children in a one-size-does-not-fit-all, vibrant, at times zany, loving family. Having children has shaped me, is an essential part of who I am. Now, with Jonah gone, I am facing a mountain of feelings as emptiness and possibility vie for my attention. For years I loved the ritual of school mornings—rousing Jonah and his siblings on those days they were slow to get up. I continued to make brown bag lunches for him all through high school—not because he couldn’t make his own (he sometimes did), but because making them brought me pleasure; it was a small but significant part of my definition of fatherhood. Shouldn’t I have been more prepared for this moment? After all, three older sisters preceded Jonah out the door. But he is the youngest and we are the only males in our household. The father-sonness of the situation has only accentuated my feelings, a mixture of loss and excitement I know we’re both experiencing—even if I’m feeling more loss and he more excitement. In my head I know the emphasis will change, but right now it’s my heart I’m contending with. For many men, fatherhood is the key portal into self-examination, an exploration of who we are and what we believe. Fatherhood raises the stakes around personal responsibility and accountability. It motivated me to begin examining my shortcomings in ways other passages have only hinted at. Along the way, I made mistakes. I wish I could go back and correct those moments when I let Jonah—and myself—down. I wish now Amy Kahn “ With Jonah off to college, I am facing a mountain of feelings as emptiness and possibility vie for my attention.” Rob and his son Jonah. that I had shared some parts of myself with him sooner and gone deeper. I know I acted overprotectively at times, mistrusting his process of maturation. But the discomfort accompanying these reflections isn’t all bad. We have a lot of years before us as Jonah grows more into manhood and I grow older standing beside him. Brushing up against this tug of loss is also a feeling of possibility: of what’s next for me as space opens up in my life, space I haven’t felt for a long time. On college move-in day, I carry load after load of Jonah’s gear up three flights of stairs (asking myself why none of my children ever got first-floor dorm rooms). I am sweaty, heart pumping, feeling alive and useful. With his permission, I put Jonah’s clothes away in the dresser and closet, a comforting, familiar act. But even as my hands, out of years of habit, effortlessly fold and arrange T-shirts and socks, I feel a queasiness from my heart up to my throat. My eyes tear up. Sad? Sure. Scared? You bet. Proud? That, too. It would have been quintessentially male to have tried to ignore the feeling of freefall I was experiencing, to not pay attention to wondering what Jonah’s and my relationship would be like now. The old familiar part of my life as a father wanted things to remain as they once had been—finding a hook to hang his clock, a place for the laundry basket. But I know that cannot be and my heart aches. The rituals of father and son we long enjoyed—from playing catch to making pizza—are not gone forever, but they’ll never be the same. I mourn that loss as I marvel at the young man before me, half a head taller than me, the dark stubble on his chin as clearly noticeable as the new confidence in his stride. I love my son in a way that says something to me about manhood I haven’t ever tried to explain before. It’s a gritty and tender love, a mix of feelings I’ve been experiencing with Jonah his whole life: gentleness and fierceness; humor and quiet; understanding and distance. Driving home later, I see through the tears that inexplicably feel so good running down my cheeks what a gift Jonah has given me. In bringing my last child to college I’ve picked up a few new words in the father-son dictionary of letting go, one we’ve been learning from for 18 years. Under “empty nest” the citation now reads “fullness of heart.” VM Voice Male editor Rob Okun can be reached at raokun@mrcforchange.org.
Table of Contents Features A Call to Men. ...........................8 By Ted Bunch and Tony Porter Violence in Sports:. .....................12 The Head-Butt Heard Round the World By Tony Switzer Intimacy and Porn: . ....................14 A Contradiction in Terms By Haji Shearer Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief, Anger and Change ............................15 Finding the Way Through By Steve Cutting Columns & Opinion From the Editor. .........................2 Mail Bonding. ...........................4 Men @ Work. ............................5 Book Review ...........................16 Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, by Ariel Levy Reviewed by Aviva Okun Book Review ...........................17 Alone in the Trenches: My Life as a Gay Man in the NFL, by Esera Tuaolo Reviewed by Gretchen Craig GBQ Resources .........................18 OutLines ...............................19 Love Makes a Marriage By Mitch Sorensen Men’s Health ...........................20 Frozen Peas By Gregory Keer Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Calendar ...............................24 Thank You. .............................26 MRC Programs & Services. ..............27 Voice Male Editor – Rob Okun Managing Editor – Michael Burke Designer – Mary Zyskowski VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and distributed at select locations around New England. The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change. Subscriptions: For subscription information, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 16, or go to www.mrcforchange.org and follow the links to subscribe to VOICE MALE. Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 16. Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas and queries, and information about events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss. Manuscripts sent through the mail will be responded to and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed stamped return envelope. Send articles and queries to Editors, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002, or e-mail to voicemale@mrcforchange.org. Voice Male Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood... Men overcoming isolation... your Name: No matter how you describe it, we’re all in uncharted waters today trying to understand contemporary men and masculinity. gift recipient’s name: Address: Ride the waves of changing ideas about men with Voice Male to keep your balance. Four issues. Delivered to Your Door. $19.95 Send a Gift Subscription to someone ready to read about masculinity redefined...Only $14.95. City: State: Zip: Phone (optional): r 4 issues: $19.95 r gift subscription: $14.95 r payment by credit card Name as it appears on card: Signature: Card number: E-mail (optional): r check enclosed (made out to voice male/MRC) Expiration date: F a l l 2 0 0 6 • Cover Photo of Ted Bunch and Tony Porter courtesy of A Call to Men. 3
Page 1: New Visions of Manhood Voice Male T
Page 5 and 6: Men @ Work Voice Male, MRC Assemble
Page 7 and 8: One expert thinks the new study ref
Page 9 and 10: stops them from challenging sexist
Page 11 and 12: F a l l 2 0 0 6 • 11
Page 13 and 14: “she provoked me” because she 1
Page 15 and 16: Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief,
Page 17 and 18: The Locker Room and the Closet By G
Page 19 and 20: Love Makes a Marriage By Mitch Sore
Page 21 and 22: F a l l 2 0 0 6 • 21
Page 23 and 24: Finding the Way Through continued f
Page 25 and 26: Looking to Connect? Try the MRC’s
Page 27 and 28: Men’s Resource Center for Change

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