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Finding the Way Through continued from page 15
Coincidentally, in one of my more
desperate moments, at a relative’s house
I came across the book When Things Fall
Apart, a brief encapsulation of Tibetan
Buddhism by American Buddhist nun
Pema Chödrön. One of Chödrön’s key
hypotheses is that often, only through
life’s most difficult and painful experiences,
if we can courageously look at them,
can the process of alchemy take place
that brings about insight, which leads
to the wisdom to change. The essential
message of the book is that by “staying”
with the unease often created by life’s
challenges—relationships, work, all areas
of our experience—and not turning away,
the fear becomes less threatening. As we
sit with the unease, over time it becomes
more familiar and thus less menacing
to us. In Chödrön’s words we become
“Spiritual Warriors,” gaining confidence
and fearlessness as we move forward with
anticipation and greater certainty into the
uncharted waters of our future.
At the same time, I began regularly
attending the MRC’s evening drop-in men’s
support groups, where the topics discussed
aren’t limited to anger, and where
I continue to find enormous camaraderie
and support. I also began taking the anger
management course I mentioned earlier,
and that helped me a great deal as well.
Now, when I feel symptoms of anger coming
on—increased muscle tension, shallow
breathing, judgmental thoughts—I
treat them as a warning signal. They
become almost a road sign, directing me
to turn my attention inward. This process
helps unmask the negative sensations for
what they truly are: misperceptions and
fictions created by an overly analytical
ruminating mind. As Buddhism teaches,
through meditation we learn to quietly
observe uncomfortable bodily sensations
and unsettling thoughts by letting them
pass through, and not attaching to them. I
have found that these “thought stopping”
techniques, and meditation, help to better
manage my anxiety and depression, as
well as to curb my tendency to respond
impulsively with knee-jerk explosive
anger when faced with inevitable frustration
and disappointment.
If you suspect, as I do, that precipitous
anger may be in part caused by fear—particularly
for men whose early impressions
of manhood are often based on unrealistic
ideals of invincible comic book character
types and John Wayne–style superheroes
who display dazzling feats of machismo
in the face of adversity—then it follows
that for men, being able to look fearlessly
at their weaknesses, uncertainties, and
vulnerabilities may be a key to unlocking
the prison of their hurtful anger.
I’ve found that truly feeling the suffering
and regret that may go with accepting
responsibility for the consequences
of one’s destructive anger is a necessary
step if the anger is to be transformed. The
methods mentioned above do not offer
an easy fix and change does not necessarily
come about quickly, but I believe if
one can muster the courage to look at the
shadowy side of one’s own psyche, then
the journey is worth it. Looking at these
issues, painful as they are, has helped me
in the struggle to control my anger and
change my behavior. It’s been a difficult
process at times, but through it all I have
learned that with consistent effort, real
personal growth is possible. VM
SteveCuttingisanativeofwesternMassachusetts.
His father was president of Blair, Cutting
and Smith Insurance Agency in Amherst until
his passing in 1969, at which point the family
moved to a Boston suburb. Steve currently
resides in Chicopee, Mass., enjoys writing and
is interested in men’s issues.
Robert Mazer ~ Psychotherapist
For men looking to let go of patterns that don’t work
and create a more purposeful, fulfilling life.
Staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst
Free initial consultation/flexible fees
256 - 0772
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