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CUTTING SOME SLACK
NANETTE GARTRELL
Take a Seat,
Boys!
The concern last spring about penises, both severed
and saved, reminded me of my long-held
belief that male urination has not kept pace
with 20th-century plumbing. Whereas standing
may have been sensible in evolutionary terms
for quick-release moments (like chasing prey across the
plains) or for marking territory in prehistoric times, modern
porcelain conveniences cannot accommodate the carelessness
of males who stand while urinating. Any woman who
has lived with males knows that most do not confine their
urine to the bowl, and someone—usually a woman—ends
up mopping the mess.
Why do we train boys to urinate in a standing position
when, even as adults, they cannot perform the function
with precision Though some males have been taught by
the women in their lives to clean up after themselves,
they're a distinct minority. Most residential toilets used by
boys or men are cleaned by their mothers, female partners,
sisters, or housekeepers.
Something is gravely wrong with this picture. And so, for
approximately 25 years, I've nudged,
cajoled, and rallied friends and relatives
to teach their boys to sit while
Helping
peeing.
men
I began contemplating sedentary
urination when Nixon was president.
A lesbian friend was toilet
adjust to
training her two-year-old son. 20th-century
Recalling countless bespattered toilet
seats he had forgotten to raise, I plumbing.
suggested that life might be more
pleasant all around if her child simply
sat down, thereby confining his
output to the bowl. She marveled at
the novelty of the idea, but worried
that her child would have yet another
problem "fitting in" with other
boys—since he was already destined
to confront homophobia at school.
A friend of mine knows a woman
who stands—straddling and facing
the John—when she pees. Apparently,
she adopted this stance as a threeyear-old
after her grandfather told
her that "the crabs" •would bite her
tushy if she sat down. With scanty
formal evidence to go on, I suspect
she may have even greater difficulty confining her urine to
the bowl than standing males do. Unfortunately, she was
unavailable for comment. Luckily, she's an anomaly.
To check the heartbeat of America on the subject of male
urination, I surveyed a few men who stand, a few who sit.
Bill, a white, 44-year-old construction worker who stands,
complained about using stalls when the urinals are full (in
theaters, for example) because "most guys pee all over the
place...they never hit the toilet...they even miss the urinal."
Unlike their peers, he and his brother long ago learned to
clean up after themselves, including the toilet, since their
mother worked outside the home.
Fred, a 41-year-old chemist, objected to my suggestion
that public urinals simply be dismantled. They are, he
reported, more convenient. But he acknowledged that "The
overall issue is the lack of societal pressure on males to clean
up after ourselves. An emphasis on general fastidiousness
would eliminate the controversy altogether and would have
a carryover impact—if you clean the toilet/floor after urinating,
you are more likely to clean the sink after shaving,
or clean dishes after eating." Helpfully, he pointed out that
toilets need to be oval and elongated if men are to sit while
urinating, in order to allow for manual direction of the flow.
"Sitting is simply more comfortable," cheered Michael, a
self-described "fanatically tidy gay man." He noted that it's
much easier to contain the flow while seated, especially
with a morning erection. "It's better all around. You don't
have to clean up pubic hair that falls outside the toilet, your
bathroom doesn't smell, and your pants don't get wet
because it shakes off better." Meanwhile, Alex, a 22-year-old
Chinese-Philippino-Mexican American, switched to sedentary
urination several years ago for religious reasons. "One
of the Buddhist teachings is that women live longer because
they sit down to pee," he explained. "I have been sitting
ever since I learned that. It really is more peaceful."
Excepting the first couple examples, America has clearly
reached a consensus: Sedentary urination is cleaner, neater,
and more peaceful. Yet challenging the status quo is daunting
to many men (and many parents), raising concerns
about conformity, masculinity, and patriotism. Standing with
feet placed a shoulder's width apart is more soldierly, more
aggressive, more determined. Sitting is
more passive: The flanks are exposed.
My cousin Aaron is embarrassed
that an episode of urethritis 15 years
ago forced him to sit to direct his
stream more effectively. He taught his
son to stand. Why "Because that is
—f^ J what the other kids do." But when I
ffj^H asked 4-year-old Nathan about his
IJlfei preferred mode of urinating, he
I I||H informed me that he was comfortable
• II sitting or standing. "But 1 want to tell
EM'£1& y° u •' secret," he said in a hushed
.^B^lli-5'.-l tone. "Sometimes when nobody is
around I stand on the toilet and pee
into the sink." •
Dr. Gartrell, editor of the recently published
book, Bringing Ethics Alive, is
associate clinical professor of psychiatry,
University of California at San Francisco.
60 ON THE ISSUES WINTER 1995