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By Chris Wilson Icons by Quickhoney
Christopher
“Dudus” Coke
This awesomely named alleged
Jamaican drug lord—whose “Shower
Posse” gang has waged deadly street
battles with Jamaican soldiers—was
arrested in New York dressed in drag.
Threat level: Not high unless you’re
the top tranny in whatever jail
he’s heading to: Coke’s girly getup is
impressively reminiscent of Martin
Lawrence as Sheneneh.
James Arthur Ray
Oprah-approved self-help guru’s
advocacy of extreme sweat lodges
allegedly led to the deaths of three
followers in an ovenlike teepee.
Threat level: Now that he’s facing
manslaughter charges, it’s unlikely
Ray will be luring anyone into a
150-degree hot pocket of doom,
unless you count the Dutch oven
he'll probably give his cellmate.
Religion
Penis Lazer
Zydrunas Savickas
The World’s Strongest Man
titleholder has held 40 world
records in various events
and can most likely crush your
head like a cantaloupe.
Threat level: If you’ve ever been
sucked into watching World’s
Strongest Man contests on
ESPN2, you understand the
strangely hypnotic power of
boulder-lifting competitions.
A. Q. Khan
Dateline NBC said this Pakistani
nuke dealer could be the “most
dangerous man in the world.”
Impressive given that Dateline
brought us the chat-room trolls of
To Catch a Predator.
Threat level: If a terrorist
detonates a suitcase nuke, we may
have Khan to thank. But
at least he’s never been fi lmed
bringing wine coolers to
a 12-year-old girl’s house.
THREAT KEY
CRAZY CANNIBALISM
VIOLENT NUKES
OPRAH BAD HAIR
CRAZY STRONG ANNOYING
SEX
DRUGS RELIGION
Robert Gleason Jr.
This convicted murderer of two
people desperately wants to be
executed. So much so that he told
authorities at his Virginia prison
that if they didn’t off him, he’d kill
again. They ignored his plea; true
to his word, Gleason strangled
another inmate with a bedsheet.
Threat level: If you’ve
thought about stealing cable
lately, let this be your
“scared straight” moment.
Brian Austin Green
His marriage to Megan Fox
suggests the 90210 alum is actually
an all-powerful warlock who
can shoot lasers out of his penis.
Threat level: Besides wedding
the world’s hottest woman, the
Notorious B.A.G. lived with
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and
knocked up Vanessa Marcil. Brian,
for those about to touch your
magic wand, we salute you.
PENIS LASER
NOVEMBER 2010 MAXIM 129