Storemags - Magazine Free PDF Magazine Back Issues

jokes
SEE IF YOUR FUNNY BONE IS BIGGER THAN OURS…
Send your funnies to jokes@maxim.com.
A guy wakes up after an epic night of drinking
and notices two rings around his pecker: one red
and the other brown. Horrified, he goes to the
doctor, who takes a sample and comes back
in the room. He says, “I have some good news
and some bad news. The good news is that the
red circle is lipstick.” The guy hollers, “Hell, yeah!”
The doctor continues: “The bad news is that the
brown one is Skoal.” Greg Ingram
Once Bitten
A shark and his son go
looking for a snack. The
father says, “I’m going
to teach you how to
catch a human. First
you raise your fi n out of
the water and start
circling, then you go in
and eat them.”
“Why circle them?”
asks the son.
The father replies,
“They taste better
without shit in them.”
Roger Pal
BEAT THIS CAPTION
14 MAXIM NOVEMBER 2010
Ring My Bell
Twelve monks are to be
ordained. For their fi nal
test, they must line up
nude while a topless
dancer performs. Each
monk has a small bell
attached to his privates
and is told that if the
bell rings, he’ll fail.
The girl dances
before the fi rst candi
date and gets no
reaction. She moves
down the line, with the
same re sponse until
the fi nal monk. As she
dances, his bell rings
and falls to the ground.
Ashamed, he bends
down to pick it up…and
the other 11 bells go off.
Jamie Waterman
Stand and Deliver
“You seem to be more
intelligent than the
average witness of
your background,” says
the lawyer to the man
on the stand.
The man replies, “If I
wasn’t under oath, I’d
return the compliment.”
Tim Jennings
Condomania
A man gets on a plane
with six kids. The fl ight
attendant asks, “Are
these yours?”
The man replies,
”No, I work for Trojan,
and these are customer
complaints!”
Rob Findley
Kermit and a freshly
shorn Fozzie
THE HA-HA
LIST
BY MICHAEL
BRUMM
Adult Bedtime
Stories
Where the
Vibrating
Things Are
The Ant and the
Grasshopper: The
Experimental
College Years
Hop on Pop’s
Mistress
The Cat in the
Strappy Lace
Teddy
One Fish, Two
Fish, Red Fish, Key
Party
The Very Horny
Caterpillar
Hansel and Gretel:
Forbidden Love
The Giving-It-
From-Behind Tree
Goodnight,
Spooge
Make Us Laugh,
Funnyman
ONE KNOCKDOWN-FUNNY JOKE
FROM A STAND-UP COMIC.
Jokester: Andy Ritchie
fi ghting out of: Austin, Texas
Most annoying reality TV star:
The cops from Cops.
High school nickname:
When I got my GED, they misspelled my name “Amdy.”
That’s the closest I got.
Biggest waste of money:
Robot repellent (doesn’t work).
Who would play me in a movie?
If the movie was about me as a baby, I’d say any baby
would do. It should probably be a boy baby, though.
If I could masturbate to only one picture,
it would be:
The actual Mona Lisa.
TO ENTER
1. Enter your caption at Maxim.com/contests.*
2. Visualize yourself winning this $130 Sony TRiK
iPod dock!
3. Check Maxim.com or the January issue to
see if your visions were true!
september’s
Winner
I listen to a lot of rap music,
and people give me shit
about it, which I don’t
understand. When they say
things like, “What are you
listening to gangsta rap
for? You’re not a gangsta,”
II’m m like, “You You watch action a
movies, and you’re you’re not a
ninja, so fuck off.” off
WIN
THIS!
“Why do they keep sending me
on these wild moose chases?”
Trena Rivers
*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open only
to legal U.S. residents, 18 years or older. Contest begins October 19, 2010, and
ends November 10, 2010. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries
received. For entry and offi cial rules with complete entry, eligibility, prize, and other
details, go to www.maxim.com. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc.