other-side-of-deception-victor-ostrovsky

"Don't you walk out on me." Arbel was now on his feet, shoutingafter me."Fuck all of you," I answered, not even turning around.When I reached the door, Naftaly was at my side, breathing hard.The short run was too much for the little couch potato. I stopped andturned to face him. "What is it?""There is something I have to tell you, shall we say out of professionalcourtesy.""I'm listening, but hurry up. I have a life to start.""When I met you in the final testing stages, I wanted you out ofthe game. I knew you would be trouble, but I was overruled; they sawgreat operational potential in you, as they put it.""Well, I'm out. That should make you very happy."He turned red. "I'd like to take the credit for this, but unfortunatelyI can't. You turned several of the leadership against you all onyour own.""So what do you want from me?""I have a good psychological profile of you by now. After all, Ihave been observing you for several years. I know you have learned alot in the courses and the short time you have spent in the field. Nowyou're an expert on how to kill, steal, forge, recruit, and break intoplaces. Having learned all that, you're sent into the world with no realuse for it.""Does that scare you? Are you worried that I'll be coming for youor something?""Don't be ridiculous. I just want to tell you that you have a basicproblem, and you should look after it or it will kill you." He paused,then went on, "You have what I call in novice's terms a fear deficiency.""What?"Not one muscle moved in his pudgy face. "I'm not kidding. It wasone of the main reasons they picked you in the first place. Most peoplein the system have the same problem, but they have the system to takecare of them. You don't have that anymore. Before you learned all thethings you did in the Mossad, it didn't matter." He paused. "You havegotten and will get into trouble because you're not afraid of the consequences.If you would consider the fact that fear is a protective mechanismwe have, the lack of it is a deficiency. What you should rememberis to analyze everything you are about to do. You don't have naturalfear to rely on.""So what you're telling me is, Find a job doing something thatdoesn't call for what I've learned here?""Yes, that will be preferable." He lowered his head and looked attips of his shoes."Tell your boss it didn't work. You're probably right; nothingseems to scare me.""It will kill you if you don't watch out, Victor.""And a good day to you." I headed for my car. I was angry.Once I was inside the tiny blue box, my car, it hit me. This is it.Once I start my car and drive the three hundred feet to the gate, it willall be over. Everybody I knew in the Mossad will now he a stranger tome. From this point on, all my access to information and the powerthat comes with it will be gone.I couldn't comprehend it. Life after the Mossad-it sounded likean oxymoron. I felt like a figure plucked from one of Dali's surrealisticpaintings and set down in the real world, a world where people areonly the size they were born to be and can do only what is allowed, aplace where rules are meant to be followed, not broken.I felt like throwing up, and at the same time, I wanted to punchsomeone. I started the car and headed for the gate. I rememberedentering this place a happy cheerful man, curious and anxious, like achild allowed into Aladdin's treasure cave. Now here I was heading inthe other direction, bitter, beaten, and betrayed.I stopped at the gate, waiting for it to open. I was staring aheadwhen I heard a knock on my window. It was a perimeter guard. Irolled down the glass, not even looking at the man. "What?""I was told to get your entry card, please."I wanted to say something mean, but his expression was apologetic.He wasn't sure what to do or say. I drew the white card out ofmy pocket and handed it to him. "Now could you guys open thebloody gate and let me out of this shit hole?"The gate moved quickly. Not waiting for it to open all the way, Islammed the gas pedal to the floor. The small wheels spun, and I spedInto the night.I knew I should be heading home, but I just couldn't go there yet. Iknew that once I told Bella I was out, it would become a full reality.The rain did not let up. I drove slowly through the streets of TelAviv. Everything seemed gray and dull. Before, there'd been a challengein everything; now there was nothing. No one was following me,and I had nowhere to report. I was mortal again, kicked out ofheaven. It was time to go home and try to put my life back together.