When Fairy Tales Don't Come True - Kappa Delta

have amandatory-arrestlaw when policearecalled to thesceneofadomesticviolencedispute. Beth says it is commonforavictimofdomesticviolence to fearthat if she presses charges, herabuserwillcome home from jail andseekretaliation.Pro-arrestand mandatory-arrestlawsremove this burden from thevictim. It isalso common forvictims to be in denial.On average,afemalevictimwill endureseven to 12 episodes of violence beforeshe gets outofanabusive relationship.When Patrick wasreleasedfromjailafew days after theincident, he beggedMary forforgiveness.Still reelingfromshock andindenial,Marythought,“Itcan’t be as badasIremember. Hepromised that he’d neverdoneanythinglike that before andwould neveragain.Here wasthisman crying real tearsandbegging formyforgiveness.Why wouldn’tIbelieve him?”Twoweeks later, she turned off hercellphonewhile she attended aschoolmusicfestival with herdaughters.Whensheturned it back on,she listenedtoaseriesof phonemessagesfromPatrick,eachonebecomingmore franticand threatening.Mary hadalready confidedinaKDsisterwhothenconvinced hertogotothe policewith herwhole story.With thenew information about howPatrickusedweapons to threaten Mary,he wasarrestedand is currentlyawaitingtrialonfelonycharges.InMary’sstate,with domestic violence caseswhere noweapon is involved, theperpetrator ischarged with amisdemeanorand servesthreedaysinjail. The first threeincidencesaremisdemeanorcharges. Thefourth incidentorthe first with aweaponis afelony.Pamelaisanattorneywhounderstands domestic violence all toowell. Inaddition to practicingfamilylaw,theKappa Alpha-Florida Stategraduatemarried anddivorcedthe same manthreetimesbeforeshe realizedshe hadhadenough abuseinher personal life. Herex-husband,aprominentattorneyandlawprofessor,was so persuasive,heevenconvincedher father that he hadchanged.Pamelasays, “I wassobowledoverbythat man. He waseverythingIwantedinahusband,exceptfor this component. Iwassooptimistic aboutmaking it work.”Victimsofdomesticviolence often getcaught in what is knownasthe cycleofviolence.Whenavictimhas experiencedaviolentattack, she is afraid of whatwill happen to herorher children ifshe leaves. After theepisode,itisnotuncommon forthe abuser to apologizeandbeg forforgiveness.Thecouplethenenters what is called thehoneymoon stagewhen thevictimbelievesthather partneris intrinsicallygood andhewill change.Annrecallsher experience,“Naturally,as with mostabusers,the honeymooncyclecameshortly after each episode, andgifts andflowersarrivedsoonthereafter.”Despitetheir efforts at reconciliation,Annknewwithin afew months that sheneeded herfamily’shelpifshe were g oingto escape thecycle of violence.After afailedattempt onher owntoleavehome, Ann’sfamily“kidnapped” herin themiddle of theday from theschoolwhereshe taught.She wasput into s afehiding200 miles away foraweek, andwhen she returned to herhometown,she movedinwithfamilymembers.Shedid notgobacktoher teachingjob fortherestofthatyearbecause of securitythreats, andshe reliedonapolice escortto gether things from thehouse.Alittlemorethanayearafterherwedding, Annwas divorced.“Ibelievein marriageand notdivorce, butIhadto learnIhad to divorcefor safety,” shesays. Almost immediately,Ann startedvolunteeringher services as arapecrisiscounselorinalocal domesticviolenceshelter, oneshe hadpreviouslysupportedas amemberofJuniorLeague.She says,“Helping them helpedmeheal.”After Pamelaleft herabusive marriagein themid-1970s, she changed herlegalpractice to focusonfamilylaw andhelpedestablishashelterfor abused women. “Ihave devotedmyentirecareertohelpingwomenand children,”she says, “and I’mhappynow when Igotobed at night.”Mary’s experience also redirectedherlife. The former businesswoman isback in school seekingamaster’sdegreein rehabilitation andmentalhealthcounselingand servingonacommunityKD HelpsCollegiansOvercomeDatingAbuseHigh-schooland collegestudents arenotimmunetoabuse in their relationships.TEAR,whichstandsfor TeensExperiencingAbusiveRelationships, reportsonitsWebsite, www.teenagainstabuse.org, thatoneinthree teenagersknows apeerwhohasbeenhit,punched,kicked, slapped,choked or physicallyhurtbyapartner,andone in four teenagegirls has beenpressuredtoperform oral sexorengageinintercourse. Dating abuse, TEAR reports,canhappentoanyone, anywhere,anytime.About 15 yearsintimeseparatetwoKDs, Christinefrom Pi-NebraskaandEmily from SigmaKappa-Ohio State, buttheir collegiate experiences nearly mirroreach other. Their shelteredbackgroundsgrowingupinmiddle Americawerenotenough to protect them from gettingcaught in abusive relationshipsthatstartedinhighschooland carried overinto college.When Christinestarted dating herboyfriendhesaidall theright thingsandseemedsosweet. Emily’s boyfriendpursued herinhighschool, leavingflowers andnotes in herlocker. Butafterboth youngwomen developedstrongfeelings forthese individuals, the“perfectboyfriends”begantoabuse them verbally,physicallyand sexually.Christineand Emily were made to feelthat they deservedtobetreated badly,andneither realizeduntil they were outoftherelationships that it didn’t have to bethat way.As students, both felt alienatedfrom their motherswho disapprovedoftheir relationshipsand came acrossasaccusatoryratherthanconcerned. Nowthey understandtheir mothershad goodreason to be worried,but what theywanted at thetimewas nonjudgmentalsupport. Fortunately, KappaDeltacame into their livesand providedthefriendshiptheyneeded.When Emily joined Kappa Delta,sheattended amandatory seminar aboutrapethat washeldfor all campus fraternityandsorority members. “Itwas during thispresentation,” she says, “I learnedthatby24 winter 2007 THE ANGELOS OF KAPPA DELTA

task forcetoincreaseawareness andeducation. Shehopes to work as avictimadvocate to helpothersasshe washelped.“Mygoal in lifeistohelpeducate otherwomenabout domestic violence,tohelpprevent it andtohelpwomen understandwhat they candotoget outofanabusiverelationship.Ifthiscould happen to me,itcouldhappentoanyone.”AnotherKD’searly experience withdomesticviolence affected herfuturechoices in relationshipsand hercareer.Debbie nowworks as directorofashelterforwomenwho arehomelessdue todomesticviolence,but during thesummerbeforeherfreshmanyearatIndianaUniversity,the SigmaUpsilonalumnawasavictimofdaterape. Thisoccurredinthelate1960s when rape by aboyfriendor acquaintancewas yettobecalled“daterape” or recognizedbysocietyassomethingawoman wasforcedtodoagainst herwill.For more than twoyears,she continuedthe relationship with herolder,domineering boyfriendbecause sheviewed herselfas“damagedgoods.”Debbie experiencedtwo failedmarriages that includedemotional abusefrom herhusbandsand physical abuseat thehands of herown son. When heturned 21, she filed aprotective orderagainst him that forced him to move outof herhome. Even though Debbie saysshe knew thewarningsigns,“It took theshock of thephysical attack to wake meup,and even then it took afriendtomakeThe Cycle of ViolenceThe more times the cycleis completed, the lesstime it takesto complete.The“Honeymoon”Apologize and make up.Forgive and forget. Thereis remorse, promises andapologies. Things are better forawhile.P H A S E 3Severe ViolenceActual violent episode.Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.Acrime is committed.me realize Ineeded to take action.Isawlots of redflagswithmyson,but Ikepttrying to be agood momand did notwant to be judged for‘abandoning’ him. Itwasunhealthyfor us both,but Icouldn’tbreakout of thehabit.”To stopthe cycleofdomesticviolence,Debbie startedtonurture herself. Decadesafter herrape, she enteredafacility whereP H A S E 2Tensions BuildWhat will trigger ablowup? And when?Theviolence will increasein frequencyand severity.As the cycle is repeated, theviolence usually increasesin frequency andseverity.P H A S E 1she receivedtreatment forpost-traumaticstress disorder.She has also takenher badexperiences andturnedthemintosomethingpositive.Debbiesays,“TherelationshipsIhavebeeninhavedefinitelyhelpedmegrowand shapedmypresent...and helpedmeidentify apassionforhelping otherwomen andbeingavoiceforothers.” Inaddition to herworkatthejust saying ‘no’ andhim notlistening, Ihadbeenraped.” Through KappaDelta,Emily says, “I came out of my shyshellandgainedself-confidence.Ifound theinner strength Ihad lacked.Ifound agroup of girlswho were true friends andwere therefor me when Ineeded them. Ifelt includedand likedand lovedfor whoIwas,not forwhatIcould do forthem.”Christinewas with agirlfriendwatchingthemovie“The PrincessDiaries”whentherealization washedoverher that sheneeded to getout of herabusive relationship.Sobbing,she toldher friend, “I wantmy lifetobeafairy tale, notasoapopera.”Christinelearned more about domesticviolence throughacollegecourse, andvolunteering with adomestic-violenceorganization helpedher work throughherownsituation.She also went on to participatein an educationalprogram shown onNebraska’s Public Broadcasting Service.Christineturnedtoher KD sistersforemotional support; however, she wasdisappointed when she couldnot gethercampus Panhellenic to host aseminar ondomestic violence.“Ithought theGreeksystemdid notcareorwasn’tready tohear thetruth,” she says. “Itbringsgreatjoyand relief to my hearttosee thatKappaDelta,the organization that hashelpedmetorecover anddiscoverwho Ireallycan be,istalking aboutthis.”Christinesaysthe bruiseswentaway,but theemotional scarsstayedfor awhile. “I walked into everyrelationshipwonderingifheisgoing to go ballisticon me.” Learningmore aboutdomesticviolence andtalking with others madeheraware that she wasnot thebad personthat he wanted hertobelieve she was, hisbehavior wasnot normal,and she wasnotalonewiththisproblem.Emily also says that she wasn’t verytrusting of menfor many years,but onceshe confidedinthe manwhomshe eventuallymarried,shefounditwas OK to be“a little vulnerableand to ask forloveandsupport.”Today,she volunteersatashelterforabused womenand is rewarded byseeingothersmakeafresh start.Emily advisescollegians whoare inabusive relationshipstoget out. “Theydeserve so much more,” she says. “Theycanaccomplish anythingtheyput theirminds to,and if they have thesameexperience as Idid in KD,thentheyhavethegroundworktostart anew life. It’s allabout howyou come out of it andwhatyoumakeofit.”THE ANGELOS OF KAPPA DELTA winter 2007 25

shelter, Debbie volunteerswithastatewidecoalitionagainst domestic violence,speaks to variousgroupsand serves onacommunity boardthatisdedicated toraisingawareness of domestic violence.“Thereare resources in almost everycommunity,largeorsmall,wher eawomancangofor help,”saysAssistant DistrictAttorney KarenKuebler,Gamma Omega-SlipperyRock. “Theseplaces areusuallylisted in thephone bookinthe communityservice pages. Youcan also call yourlocalprosecutor’soffice andask to speakto avictimadvocatewho canpoint youintheright direction.Ifawoman is avictimof acrime,and domesticviolence isacrime,itshouldalways be reportedto thepolice so theabuser canbeheldaccountable. It isalso helpful foraBeth EasleyCourt Services Officervictim to keep alog of abusive behaviorso that theevidence is documented when [she goes]to thepolice.”Beth Easley notesthatinher county,domestic-violence homicides havedecreasedsince separate domesticviolencecourts were established in 1996.These courts work with thedistrictattorney’s office andprovide services suchas victim advocatesand informationalprograms forvictims,aswellasangermanagementandbatterers-interventionclassesfor theabusers.Datacollectedin herareashowthatdomesticviolencecasesare up from 486 in 1989 to 1,896filed in 2005. Beth attributes theincreasein casesbeingreportedand prosecutedto theestablishment of theseparatedomesticviolence courts, changes inarrest laws, andbettereducation andmore availableresources forvictims.Caroline TownsendDomestic ViolenceCounselorReaching Out to aFriend or FamilyMember Who Is Abused• Let her know that you are aware of what is going on and that you areconcerned for her safety.• Validate her feelings and respect her decisions. There are many reasonswhy victims stay inabusive relationships. Be nonjudgmental andreassuring that you are there to provide support. What she may need mostis someone to listen.• Help her to develop asafety plan.• Encourage her to spend more time with friends and family and toparticipate in activities outside of her abusive relationship.• Encourage her to seek help from alawyer, the police or alocal domesticviolence agency that provides counseling.• Ifshe ends the relationship, provide support as she mourns the loss of therelationship.• Remember that you cannot rescue her.Although it is difficult to stand bywhile someone you care about is getting hurt, she has to be the one tomake the decisions that will change her life.The above tips and more information can be found on the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline Web site at www.ndvh.org.Beth advisesvictims,“If youhaveagutfeelingthatleavesyou uneasy aboutasituationthathas occurred, reachout tosomeoneand talk. Reach outtothe localdomestic hotline.Talking with oneis free.Thereisno obligation toleaveorchangeanything, butitcanassist in providingoptions forthe situation.Realizeyoudo nothavetofacethis alone; each cityhas domestic violenceshelters andcounseling.”CarolineTownsendsuggestsvictimsmake asafety plan that includes having abagpackedwithcopies of importantdocumentsandanextra keytothe car/homeandidentifyingneighborswho canbeadvisedofthesituationinthe home andcancall the police if they mayhear/see somethingthatisoutof theordinary. Sheadds,“Themostcriticalresourcefor personscomingout of an abusive relationship is asupportsystem; having thehelpoffriendsandfamilyisvital to thesuccessful transitionoutofanabusive relationship.”Susan’sfairy-taleweddingended indivorce, but she has no regrets aboutleaving. Shesays, “I left anice home inan upscaleneighborhood andthe securityof my husband’sincome. ButIwas somuch happier in my cute, tiny apartment.Material itemscan neverequal one’ssenseof securityorself-worth.Noformofabuseisacceptable. The longerthe personstaysand enables it,the more damage itwill do to one’ssoul, spirit andesteem.Talk to someone. It savedmylife.”Young Victims of Domestic Violence“Children are many times overlooked in the realmof domestic violence, however, they are many timesthe most traumatized,” reports Caroline Townsend,Alpha-Longwood, who counsels families affected bydomestic violence. “Male children that are affected bydomestic violence are more likely to become abusivein adult relationships; female children are more likelyto become abused in adult relationships; and childrenwho are exposed to domestic violence are much morelikely to be abused.”Prevent Child Abuse America, which KappaDelta supports as one of its national philanthropies,concurs that abusive behavior is often cyclic. For moreinformation on child abuse prevention and parentalsupport programs, visit the PCAAmerica Web site atwww.preventchildabuse.org.26 winter 2007 THE ANGELOS OF KAPPA DELTA