When Fairy Tales Don't Come True - Kappa Delta

have amandatory-arrestlaw when policearecalled to thesceneofadomesticviolencedispute. Beth says it is commonforavictimofdomesticviolence to fearthat if she presses charges, herabuserwillcome home from jail andseekretaliation.Pro-arrestand mandatory-arrestlawsremove this burden from thevictim. It isalso common forvictims to be in denial.On average,afemalevictimwill endureseven to 12 episodes of violence beforeshe gets outofanabusive relationship.When Patrick wasreleasedfromjailafew days after theincident, he beggedMary forforgiveness.Still reelingfromshock andindenial,Marythought,“Itcan’t be as badasIremember. Hepromised that he’d neverdoneanythinglike that before andwould neveragain.Here wasthisman crying real tearsandbegging formyforgiveness.Why wouldn’tIbelieve him?”Twoweeks later, she turned off hercellphonewhile she attended aschoolmusicfestival with herdaughters.Whensheturned it back on,she listenedtoaseriesof phonemessagesfromPatrick,eachonebecomingmore franticand threatening.Mary hadalready confidedinaKDsisterwhothenconvinced hertogotothe policewith herwhole story.With thenew information about howPatrickusedweapons to threaten Mary,he wasarrestedand is currentlyawaitingtrialonfelonycharges.InMary’sstate,with domestic violence caseswhere noweapon is involved, theperpetrator ischarged with amisdemeanorand servesthreedaysinjail. The first threeincidencesaremisdemeanorcharges. Thefourth incidentorthe first with aweaponis afelony.Pamelaisanattorneywhounderstands domestic violence all toowell. Inaddition to practicingfamilylaw,theKappa Alpha-Florida Stategraduatemarried anddivorcedthe same manthreetimesbeforeshe realizedshe hadhadenough abuseinher personal life. Herex-husband,aprominentattorneyandlawprofessor,was so persuasive,heevenconvincedher father that he hadchanged.Pamelasays, “I wassobowledoverbythat man. He waseverythingIwantedinahusband,exceptfor this component. Iwassooptimistic aboutmaking it work.”Victimsofdomesticviolence often getcaught in what is knownasthe cycleofviolence.Whenavictimhas experiencedaviolentattack, she is afraid of whatwill happen to herorher children ifshe leaves. After theepisode,itisnotuncommon forthe abuser to apologizeandbeg forforgiveness.Thecouplethenenters what is called thehoneymoon stagewhen thevictimbelievesthather partneris intrinsicallygood andhewill change.Annrecallsher experience,“Naturally,as with mostabusers,the honeymooncyclecameshortly after each episode, andgifts andflowersarrivedsoonthereafter.”Despitetheir efforts at reconciliation,Annknewwithin afew months that sheneeded herfamily’shelpifshe were g oingto escape thecycle of violence.After afailedattempt onher owntoleavehome, Ann’sfamily“kidnapped” herin themiddle of theday from theschoolwhereshe taught.She wasput into s afehiding200 miles away foraweek, andwhen she returned to herhometown,she movedinwithfamilymembers.Shedid notgobacktoher teachingjob fortherestofthatyearbecause of securitythreats, andshe reliedonapolice escortto gether things from thehouse.Alittlemorethanayearafterherwedding, Annwas divorced.“Ibelievein marriageand notdivorce, butIhadto learnIhad to divorcefor safety,” shesays. Almost immediately,Ann startedvolunteeringher services as arapecrisiscounselorinalocal domesticviolenceshelter, oneshe hadpreviouslysupportedas amemberofJuniorLeague.She says,“Helping them helpedmeheal.”After Pamelaleft herabusive marriagein themid-1970s, she changed herlegalpractice to focusonfamilylaw andhelpedestablishashelterfor abused women. “Ihave devotedmyentirecareertohelpingwomenand children,”she says, “and I’mhappynow when Igotobed at night.”Mary’s experience also redirectedherlife. The former businesswoman isback in school seekingamaster’sdegreein rehabilitation andmentalhealthcounselingand servingonacommunityKD HelpsCollegiansOvercomeDatingAbuseHigh-schooland collegestudents arenotimmunetoabuse in their relationships.TEAR,whichstandsfor TeensExperiencingAbusiveRelationships, reportsonitsWebsite, www.teenagainstabuse.org, thatoneinthree teenagersknows apeerwhohasbeenhit,punched,kicked, slapped,choked or physicallyhurtbyapartner,andone in four teenagegirls has beenpressuredtoperform oral sexorengageinintercourse. Dating abuse, TEAR reports,canhappentoanyone, anywhere,anytime.About 15 yearsintimeseparatetwoKDs, Christinefrom Pi-NebraskaandEmily from SigmaKappa-Ohio State, buttheir collegiate experiences nearly mirroreach other. Their shelteredbackgroundsgrowingupinmiddle Americawerenotenough to protect them from gettingcaught in abusive relationshipsthatstartedinhighschooland carried overinto college.When Christinestarted dating herboyfriendhesaidall theright thingsandseemedsosweet. Emily’s boyfriendpursued herinhighschool, leavingflowers andnotes in herlocker. Butafterboth youngwomen developedstrongfeelings forthese individuals, the“perfectboyfriends”begantoabuse them verbally,physicallyand sexually.Christineand Emily were made to feelthat they deservedtobetreated badly,andneither realizeduntil they were outoftherelationships that it didn’t have to bethat way.As students, both felt alienatedfrom their motherswho disapprovedoftheir relationshipsand came acrossasaccusatoryratherthanconcerned. Nowthey understandtheir mothershad goodreason to be worried,but what theywanted at thetimewas nonjudgmentalsupport. Fortunately, KappaDeltacame into their livesand providedthefriendshiptheyneeded.When Emily joined Kappa Delta,sheattended amandatory seminar aboutrapethat washeldfor all campus fraternityandsorority members. “Itwas during thispresentation,” she says, “I learnedthatby24 winter 2007 THE ANGELOS OF KAPPA DELTA